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There's Something About Mary (1998)

by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss and Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly.
Final shooting script, October 21, 1997.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com


FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY


FADE IN:

EXT. CUMBERLAND, RHODE ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL - MORNING

It's the early 1980's and everyone is arriving at school. We push
through the parking lot crowd to a nervous, lanky kid, TED
PELOQUIN.

		MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
	When I was sixteen years old I fell in
	love...

CLOSE ON - RENISE, a tough girl with stringy brown hair and a
shiny forehead, as she turns toward the camera.

		TED
	Hey, Renise.

She barely looks at him as he approaches, just drags on her smoke.

		RENISE
	Hey.

		TED
	So what's up?

		RENISE
	Eh.

		TED
	Great. Great.
		(beat)
	So listen, uh, I was wondering if maybe you
	wanted to go to the prom you know, with
	me.

Renise looks unenthused.

		TED (cont'd)
	It's no big deal, whatever I mean, if you
	want.

		RENISE
	See, the thing is, I heard a rumor that
	this guy I like was gonna ask me.

		TED
	Uh-huh.

		RENISE
	Yeah, so...I'm gonna wait and see what
	happens there...But that sounds great,
	yeah.

Ted nods, confused.

		TED
	Okay.
		(beat)
	So is that a yes or a no?

		RENISE
	I think I was very clear, Ted. If
	everything else falls apart, maybe.

Renise throws down her butt and storms off.

		TED
	I'm gonna hold you to that.

						CUT TO:

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT

ANGLE ON - a pretty girl, MARY, climbing off a ten-speed in the
school parking lot. She's athletic and tanned and doesn't have a
bad bone in her body.

		MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
	Her name was Mary. She'd moved to our
	little Rhode Island town from Minnesota two
	years earlier.

She locks up the bike and starts walking toward the school.

		MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
	Mary was very smart, and very cool, and she
	had a faceful of eyes that promised you a
	better life if you could only know her.

As she approaches the camera, we PAN to see Ted watching her. He's
sitting on a picnic table with two FRIENDS.

		FRIEND #1
	Hey, dirtbud, who you going to the prom
	with?

Finally Ted takes his eyes off Mary.

		TED
	Ah, I don't know if I'm even gonna. You
	know, not my style.

		FRIEND #2
	You have a style?

		FRIEND #1
	Why don't you be a gentleman and ask Rosey?

		TED
		(perks up)
	Who?

Friend #1 makes a jerk-off motion.

		FRIEND #1
	Rosey Palm, your girlfriend. God knows you
	spend enough fucking time with her.

The guys LAUGH.

		TED
		(out of ammo but doesn't
		know it)
	Yeah, and who are you gonna take, your own
	palm?

His friends stare at him.

		FRIEND #1
	Clever. I like the way you just spun that
	around on me.

Friend #2 notices Mary talking to her FRIENDS.

		FRIEND #2
	I wonder who she's going with.

		FRIEND #1
	Some guy named Woogie.

		TED
	Who?

		FRIEND #1
	Big guy--goes to Barrington high school.

This irks Ted.

		TED
	Woogie from Borrington high? Sounds like
	a loser.

		FRIEND #1
	Loser? Woogie was all-state football and
	and basketball and valedictorian of his
	class.

		FRIEND #2
	I heard he got a scholarship to Princeton
	but he's going to Europe first to model.

This takes the wind out of Ted's sails.

		FRIEND #3
	Yeah and he's got a huge cock.

Everyone looks at him.

		FRIEND #3 (cont'd)
	I heard.

Suddenly Friend #1 NOTICES something.

		FRIEND #1
	Hey, check it out.

THEIR POV - A large, goofy YOUNG MAN with an unfashionable
crewcut comes walking up the street. He's in his early twenties
and though the weather is mild he's WEARING EARMUFFS. He
approaches a GROUP OF KIDS sitting on a car hood.

		EAR-MUFF GUY
	You seen my baseball?

		CAR HOOD KID #2
	No.

The kids watch as the Ear-Muff Guy approaches another group.

		EAR-MUFF GUY
	You seen my baseball?

ON CAR HOOD KIDS

		CAR HOOD KID #1
		(to his buddies)
	This guy must be in the 'tard squad.
		(to Ear-Muff Guy)
	Hey, buddy, come here, I think I know where
	your ball is.

The Ear-Muff Guy heads back to the car.

		EAR-MUFF GUY
	You seen my baseball?

		CAR HOOD KID #1
	Yeah, I seen it. That girl over there, she
	has it.

Car Hood Kid #1 points to a BUSTY GIRL leaning against another car
talking to her large BOYFRIEND.

		CAR HOOD KID #2 (cont'd)
	'Cept she doesn't call it a baseball. She
	has another name for it...

						CUT TO:

ON BUSTY GIRL - The Ear-Muff Guy marches up to her and her
boyfriend.

		EAR-MUFF GUY
	You seen my pecker?

		GIRL
	What?!

		EAR-MUFF GUY
	You seen my pecker?

The Boyfriend grabs him by the collar.

		BOYFRIEND
	You son-of-a-bitch, I'll kick your ass!

The Boyfriend throws the Ear-Muff Guy to the ground and is about
to pummel him when Ted intervenes.

		TED
	Take it easy, Smokey.

		BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
	This fucking pervert just came on to Nance!

		TED
	All right, just be cool.
		(under breath)
	He looks like he's not all there, you know
	what I mean?

A crowd starts to gather which only incites Smokey more.

		BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
	Get the fuck out of my way, man!

Smokey tosses Ted out of the way and moves toward the Ear-Muff
Guy. Just then Mary shows up and steps between them.

		MARY
	What's going on here?

She bends down and helps the Ear-Muff Guy off the ground.

		MARY (cont'd)
	Are you all right?

		EAR-MUFF GUY
	Mary, you seen my baseball?

		MARY
	No, I haven't seen your baseball. Jeez,
	Warren, you know you're not supposed to
	leave the yard by yourself.

		BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
		(to Mary)
	You know him?

		MARY
	He's my brother.

		BOYFRIEND/SMOKEY
	Oh.
		(beat)
	I didn't realize he was...you know...

At this, Smokey and his girlfriend reluctantly head toward the
school, along with most of the crowd.

Mary turns her attention in the direction Ted was thrown.

		MARY
	You okay?

HER POV - Ted is sitting in a mud puddle. He stands and brushes
himself off.

		TED
	Oh yeah. Fine.

		MARY
	Thanks a lot, Ted.

CLOSE ON - Ted. He can't believe what he's just heard. As Mary
helps him up, she turns her attention to Warren.

		MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
	That she knew my name blew my mind. Some of
	my best friends didn't know my name.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - MORNING

Mary and a muddied Ted are walking Warren home. Warren lags
behind, mumbling to himself. Mary notices that Ted is limping.

		MARY
	Hey, you're limping. Did you just hurt
	yourself?

		TED
	No, it's an old football injury.

		MARY
	Oh, are you on the team?

		TED
	No, a couple of the players and me were
	joking around and, uh, I fell off the
	school.

Warren approaches and motions for Ted to hop on his back.

		WARREN
	Piggyback ride?

		MARY
	Warren, come on, leave Ted alone.

Warren pats his back again.

		WARREN
	Piggyback ride.

		TED
		(to Mary)
	I don't mind. If you think he can hold me.

		MARY
	Oh he can hold you. He weighs
	two-hundred-and-thirty pounds.

		TED
	A real Clydesdale, huh Warren?

Ted hops onto Warren's back.

		TED (cont'd)
	Giddy-up.

Warren walks about five feet and stops.

		WARREN
	My turn now.

Off Ted's reaction, we

						CUT TO:

EXT . MARY'S HOUSE - DAY

Muddy sweat is running down Ted's face as he struggles up a hill
with Warren on his back.

		TED
		(straining)
	We're here, Warren. You wanna get off?

		WARREN
	Giddy-up.

Ted rolls his eyes and continues toward the front door. Mary looks
on, amused.

		MARY
	So who you taking to the prom?

		TED
	Huh?

		MARY
	The prom--you going?

		TED
	Oh, I don't know. I think proms are pretty
	dumb.

		MARY
	'Cause I thought maybe you and I could go
	if you weren't already taking someone.

		TED
	I mean dumb in the sense that they only
	happen once a year.

She smiles at this.

		MAN'S VOICE (V.O.)
	From that moment on the guys at school
	looked at me in a whole new light.

						CUT TO:

CLOSE ON FRIEND #1

		FRIEND #1
	You're a fucking liar!

EXT. CUMBERLAND HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

PULLBACK TO REVEAL - Ted is leaning against his locker
surrounded by a group of guys.

		FRIEND #2
	You expect us to believe you're going to
	the prom with Mary? What about Woogie?

		TED
	They broke up. She said he started getting
	weird on her.

		FRIEND #1
	I got twenty bucks says you're full of
	shit.

		TED
	Oh come on, why would I lie?

		FRIEND #1
	Because you're a loser, and in some warped
	way this gives you a momentary sense of
	worth.

		FRIEND #2
	Put me down for fifty.

		FRIEND #3
	I'm in.

As the others join in, we

						CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT

A tuxedoed and smiling Ted drives up in his parent's station
wagon.

EXT. MARY' S FRONT DOOR - TWILIGHT

Ted knocks on the door and Mary's gruff DAD answers.

		MARY'S DAD
	Yeah? What do you want?

		TED
	Um, hi, I'm Ted Peloquin. I'm here to take
	Mary to the prom.

		MARY'S DAD
	Prom? You're about twenty minutes late. She
	just left for the prom with her boyfriend
	Woogie.

Ted looks devastated. Suddenly the door swings open revealing
MARY'S MOM.

		MARY'S MOM
	Charlie, that's mean. Come on in, Ted.
	Don't listen to Mr. Wise Guy here. He's a
	joke a minute.

		TED
	Oh.
		(relieved)
	Oh, that's a good one.

INT. MARY'S HOUSE - TWILIGHT
Ted nervously enters and sees Warren watching T.V. in the den.

		TED
	Hey, Warren.

Warren doesn't look his way.

Just then Mary comes down the stairs looking as if the directors
had really taken their time casting this role. Ted can't believe
his eyes.

		MARY
	Hi, Ted.

		TED
	Hi, Mary.

		MARY'S MOM
	Poor Teddy--he's been getting it both
	barrels from the Wisenheimer here.

		MARY
	Dad, have you been busting Ted's chops?

Mary's Dad shrugs.

		MARY (cont'd)
	Warren, did you say hi to Ted?

		WARREN
		(not looking up)
	'Bout ten times.

		TED
	Hey, Warren, I think I know where your
	baseball is.

This finally gets Warren's attention.

		WARREN
	You seen my baseball?

We see Ted discreetly pull a BRAND NEW BASEBALL out of his pocket
and palm it in his hand.

		TED
	Well, if it's a big white one with red
	stitching, I think I saw it right behind
	your ear ..

Ted is reaching behind Warren's ear when suddenly Warren TAKES A
SWIPE AT HIM, knocking him to the ground.

		MARY
	Warren!!!

Ted HITS HIS HEAD on the coffee table.

ON THE BASEBALL - as it rolls under the couch, stopping right
next to the OTHER MISSING BALL.

BACK TO SCENE - In a split second, Warren is up like a cat and
DIVES ONTO TED. As MARY AND HER PARENTS SCREAM, Ted manages to
free himself from the disabled man's clutches and GETS WARREN IN A
HEADLOCK.

		MARY'S DAD
		(to Ted)
	What the hell are you doing?!

		MARY'S MOM
	Teddy, let him go!

		TED
		(out of breath)
	I'm trying...tell him to...calm down.

The family jumps on Warren and finally break it up.

		MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
		(to Ted)
	Jesus Christ, guy, what the hell were you
	doing?!

		TED
	I was playing a trick. I-I-I had a
	baseball.

		MARY'S MOM
	What baseball? Where's a baseball?

Ted looks around but there's no ball in sight.

		TED
	There was a ball I had a honest.

As Mary helps Ted up, we see that his shirttail is out and his tie
is hanging off. Mary's parents lead the frothing Warren back to
the couch.

		MARY (to Ted)
	I'm sorry. I should've told you, he's got a
	thing about his ears.

		TED
	Oh. Okay. I gotcha.

		MARY
	Are you all right?

		TED
	Oh yeah.

		MARY'S MOM
		(to Mary)
	Honey, now you're all wrinkled.

Mary looks down and frowns.

		MARY
	Ted, will you just give me one more minute?
	I have to iron this thing.

Ted starts to tuck his pants in as Mary and her mother head back
up the stairs. Mary's Dad and Ted are left alone. And Warren.

Ted rubs his head, sees a spot of blood.

		TED
		(to Mary's Dad)
	May I use your bathroom?

INT. BATHROOM - TWILIGHT

Ted dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he
TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.

TED'S POV - two LOVEBIRDS are perched on a branch.

Ted smiles...

...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love
song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and
suddenly they fly away and we...

SNAP FOCUS

...to reveal Mary in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE
BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother
glances Ted's way and MAKES EYE-CONTACT with what she can only
presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.

ON TED...

...he loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom,
HORRIFIED.

PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and

		TED
	YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!

						CUT TO:

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - NIGHT

A concerned Mary, her Mom, Dad, and Warren are huddled outside the
bathroom.

		MARY
		(knocking gently)
	Ted, are you okay?

		TED (O.S.)
		(pained)
	Just a minute.

		MARY'S MOM
	He's been in there over half an hour.
		(whispering)
	Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

		MARY
	Mom!

		MARY'S MOM
	Well he was watching you undress with a
	silly grin on his face.

		TED (O.S.)
		(pained)
	I was watching the birds!

They all look at one another.

		MARY'S MOM
	Charlie, do something.

		MARY'S DAD
	All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

A whimpering Ted huddles in the corner as Mary's Dad enters.

		MARY'S DAD (cont'd)
	What seems to be the situation here? You
	shit yourself or something?

		TED
	I wish.

Ted motions for him to close the door and Mary's Dad obliges.

		TED (cont'd)
	I, uh...I got it stuck.

		MARY'S DAD
	You got what stuck?

		TED
	It.

		MARY'S DAD
	It?
		(beat)
	Oh it. All right, these things happen,
	let me have a look. It's not the end of the
	world.

Mary's Dad moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

As Mary, her Mom, and Warren listen in...

		MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
	OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

		TED (O.S.)
	Shhhhhh!

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

		MARY'S DAD
		(CALLS OUT)
	Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this!

		TED
	What?! No please, sir--

		MARY'S DAD
	She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what
	to do.

Mary's Mom comes in and closes the door behind her.

		MARY'S MOM
	Teddy, hon, are you okay?
		(moving closer, seeing the situation)
	OH HEAVENS TO PETE!

		TED
	Would you shhh! Mary's gonna hear us.

		MARY'S MOM
	Just relax, dear. Now, um...what exactly
	are we looking at here?

		TED
		(dizzy)
	What do you mean?

		MARY'S MOM
		(delicate)
	I mean is it...is it...?

		MARY'S DAD
		(gruff)
	Is it the frank or the beans?

		TED
	I think a little of both.

Suddenly we hear Warren from outside the door:

		WARREN (O.S.)
	Franks and beans!

Ted hangs his head.

EXT. BATHROOM DOOR - CONTINUOUS

Mary and Warren are huddled outside the door.

		MARY
		(to Warren)
	Shhhh.

		MARY'S DAD (O.S.)
	What the hell's that bubble?

Mary REACTS to this.

INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS

		TED
	One guess.

		MARY'S DAD
	How the hell'd you get the beans all the
	way up top like that?

		TED
	I don't know. It's not like it was a well
	thought-out plan.

		MARY'S MOM
	Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming
	through there.

		MARY'S DAD
	I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek
	was about, pumpkin.

		MARY'S MOM
	I'm going to get some Bactine.

		TED
	No, please!

Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window.

		POLICE OFFICER
	Ho there.

		TED
		(humiliated)
	Oh God.

		POLICE OFFICER
	Everything okay here? Neighbors said they
	heard a lady scream.

		MARY'S DAD
	You're looking at him. C'mere and take a
	look at this beauty.

		TED
	No, that's really unneces--

But the Officer's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he
turns his flashlight on Ted and WHISTLES.

		POLICE OFFICER
	Now I've seen it all. What the hell were
	you thinking?

		TED
		(frustrated)
	I wasn't trying--

		POLICE OFFICER
	Is that bubble what I think it is?

Mary's parents nod.

		POLICE OFFICER (cont'd)
	But...how...how'd you get the zipper all
	the way to the top?

		MARY'S DAD
	Let's just say the kid's limber.

The Officer makes a face, then rolls up his sleeves.

		POLICE OFFICER
	Well, there's only one thing to do.

		TED
	No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my
	shirttail out and work on it in the
	morning.

		POLICE OFFICER
	Look, son, this'll only hurt for a second.

The Officer reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.

		TED
	No, no, please!

		MARY'S MOM
	Teddy, be brave.

		WARREN (O.S.)
	Beans and franks!

		MARY (O.S.)
	Warren, shhh.

Defeated, Ted holds his breath and braces for the worst.

		POLICE OFFICER
	It's just like pulling off a Band-aid.
	A-one and a-two and...

						CUT TO:

		PARAMEDIC
	We got a bleeder!

EXT. MARY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

TWO PARAMEDICS rush Ted out the front door on a stretcher. Mary
runs alongside him holding a towel on his crotch. while a THIRD
PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. Mary's Mom and Dad are
out front along with two FIRETRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd
of about thirty NEIGHBORS.

		PARAMEDIC
		(to Mary)
	Keep pressure on it!

Mary does as she's told.

		MARY
		(running along)
	Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be
	okay?

		TED
		(irrational cockiness)
	You betcha!

He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance.

INT. AMBULANCE - CONTINUOUS

The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away Ted starts to
WHIMPER and we can see Mary fade into the night, as we

					DISSOLVE TO:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - PRESENT DAY

Ted, now in his 30's, lays on his therapist's couch.

		TED
	...Anyway, school ended a few days later
	and that July her father got transferred to
	Florida.

The CAMERA PANS up to reveal that the CHAIR BEHIND HIM IS EMPTY.
Ted has been telling all this to no one.

		TED (cont'd)
	It took me half the summer to pay off all
	those bets.
		(sighs)
	I never did see Mary again. That was about
	twelve years ago.

Just then the door quietly opens and Ted's PSYCHIATRIST tip-toes
back into the room and takes his seat. (He has a dab of mustard on
his chin and has forgotten about the cloth napkin tucked into his
collar.)

		PSYCHIATRIST
	Uh-huh. Interesting.

The Psychiatrist notices the napkin and quickly wipes his chin,
then tosses it aside.

		TED
	Anyway, it's not something you exactly
	forget about, but I guess I must've blocked
	it out of my head. Then about a week ago
	I'm driving on the highway and I got to
	thinking about Mary and suddenly I couldn't
	breathe...I couldn't keep up with the flow
	of traffic anymore I felt like I was
	going to die. I pulled into a rest area,
	parked the car, and just started shaking.

The Psychiatrist scratches his chin.

		PSYCHIATRIST
	You know...rest areas are homosexual
	hang-outs.

		TED
	Huh?

		PSYCHIATRIST
	Highway rest areas--they're the bathhouses
	of the nineties for some gay men.

Ted thinks about this, then glances back at the shrink.

		TED
	What are you saying?

		PSYCHIATRIST
		(checking wristwatch)
	Oops, time's up. We'll have to delve into
	that next week.

Off Ted's look, we

						CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Ted and his friend DOM are blasting a couple buckets.

		DOM
	Gay? He said you were gay?

		TED
	He implied it.

		DOM
	Well you're a writer, and a lot of
	writers are gay. Look at Truman Capote.

		TED
	Yeah, but he was successful.

		DOM
	Let me ask you this: When you smoke a
	cigar, do you ever pretend it has balls?

Ted appears to think about this.

		TED
	Come on, that wouldn't make me gay.

		DOM
	I'm going to fix you up with my new
	assistant.

		TED
	What's he like?

Dom LAUGHS, then watches as Ted hits a ball.

		DOM
	You're leaving it out. Finish your swing.
		(beat)
	You're going to like this one--she's half
	Asian, half American.

		TED
	Good-looking?

		DOM
	I just told you, she's half Asian. half
	American. They're all good looking. You
	could mate Don Rickles and Yoko Ono and
	they're going to have a gorgeous kid. It's
	a foolproof combo.

Ted thinks about it.

		TED
	What's the point? Let's face it, Dom, I'm
	in a slump.
		(SIGHS)
	Lately I've been feeling like...well...like
	a loser.

		DOM
	Loser? You?

Ted shrugs.

		DOM (cont'd)
	Give me a break. Remember five years ago,
	when your kidneys failed? If you were a
	loser would they have been able to find a
	donor with an exact tissue match? What are
	the odds of that, one in a million?

		TED
	Oh, so I'm lucky because my brother got
	killed in an explosion?

		DOM
	I never said that. I'm saying your lucky
	those kids found his kidneys.
		(beat)
	Besides, your brother Jimmy never gave a
	shit about you.

Ted gives him a look.

		DOM (cont'd)
	You know, you're a real glass-is-half-empty
	guy. You got a fucking guardian angel, man.

Ted manages a small smile. Just then, Ted's cell phone RINGS.

		TED
	I gotta take this, it might be my boss.
		(flips phone open)
	Ted here.

		GARBLED VOICE
		(on phone)
	You're a cocksucking motherfucking piece of
	puke!

Whoever it is HANGS UP. Without reacting, Ted closes the phone and
puts it back in his pocket.

		TED
	Yep.

EXT. DOM'S HOUSE - DAY

Dom and Ted are drinking beer while sitting on Dom's front steps.
We see signs of kids everywhere: a tricycle, six-foot basketball
hoop, dolls, etc.

DOM'S WIFE comes out and hands them each a cigar.

		DOM'S WIFE
	I thought you guys might like these with
	your beers.

		DOM
	Thanks, baby.

She goes back inside.

		TED
	See, that's what I want. I don't need these
	bimbettes you got me chasing. I want what
	you have. A family....Someone to...you
	know...love.

These guys don't usually talk about this crap, and Ted gets a
little embarrassed.

		TED (cont'd)
	It must be great with a wife like that.

		DOM
	Each day is better than the next.
		(beat)
	Have you ever been, you know...in love with
	someone?

		TED
	Nah.

		DOM
	Never?

		TED
	Well once. Mary.

Dom SIGHS.

		DOM
	Mary again.

		TED
	Look, I admit it was brief, but it was
	definitely love. Crushes don't last twelve
	years.

		DOM
	Whatever happened to Mary?

		TED
	I told you, her family moved to Miami.

		DOM
	I mean since then.

		TED
	I don't know.

		DOM
	Well why don't you look her up?

		TED
		(sarcastic)
	Yeah, right.

		DOM
	Why not?

		TED
	Because I guarantee she's married and has a
	couple kids. Girls like Mary don't stay
	single.

		DOM
	What if you're wrong? You just said she's
	the only girl you ever loved, what have you
	got to lose by calling her?

		TED
	I did try calling her.
		(sheepish)
	A few years ago. She wasn't listed.

		DOM
	So that was it? One bump in the road and
	you gave up?

		TED
	I also called Unsolved Mysteries.

		DOM
	You're kidding? What did they say?

		TED
	They told me they don't help out stalkers.
		(beat)
	Look, maybe they're right, it's been a long
	time.

		DOM
	I got it--you hire a private eye, fly him
	out there, he follows her around a couple
	days, she'll never know a thing.

Ted considers this.

		TED
	No. No fucking way. That's too creepy.

Dom thinks a moment, then SNAPS his fingers.

		DOM
	Wait a second. There's a guy named Healy in
	my office who might be able to help you
	out. He's a claims investigator and he goes
	to Miami every couple weeks.

As Ted thinks about this, we

						CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT of a big insurance company - MORNING

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - HALLWAY - MORNING

Ted and Dom are walking down a hallway.

		TED
	I don't know about this, Dom.

		DOM
	Relax, this guy owes me a big one. A couple
	years ago he got in a jam up in the Boston
	office; some bullshit about padding his
	resume--like we haven't all done that.
	Anyway, they were going to let him go but
	his mother wrote a tear-jerker letter that
	ended up on my desk.

		TED
	His mother?

		DOM
	Yeah, I guess he still lives with her.
	Seemed like a sweet lady--got diabetes or
	something--so I went out on a limb and got
	him transferred down to Providence.

		TED
	And you think he could find out her number
	for me?

		DOM
	He'll do better than that. I'll send him
	down to Miami on business, you throw him a
	couple bucks on the side, and he'll track
	her down.

Ted thinks about this.

		DOM (cont'd)
	Just let me warn you--This guy runs a
	little hot, but he gets the job done.

						CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CUBICLE - MORNING

Ted is seated inside a small cubicle across the desk from PATRICK
HEALY, a shaggy-looking guy in a mis-matched three-piece suit.
Healy looks more like a used-car salesman than an insurance
investigator.

		HEALY
	So, Dom tells me you're looking for some
	lady-friend you knew in high school.

		TED
	Uh-huh.

		HEALY
	Any idea where I might start looking?

		TED
	She moved to Miami Beach twelve years ago.
	I checked directory assistance down there
	and she's not listed. She might've moved
	ten times since then.

		HEALY
		(skeptical)
	All you want is a phone number?

		TED
	Well, I know you're busy

		HEALY
	Don't play games with me, Ted.

		TED
	I don't know, maybe you could poke around
	for a half day and see if she has five kids
	and a Labrador.

		HEALY
	I don't buy it.

		TED
	You don't buy what?

Suddenly Healy is in his face.

		HEALY
	Ted, I'm the kind of guy who shoots from
	the hip. Now I want you to level with me:
	Did you knock this skirt up?

		TED
		(indignant)
	No.

		HEALY
	She's blackmailing you, right?

		TED
		(more indignant)
	No.

		HEALY
	You want her dead, don't you?

		TED
	You can't be serious.

		HEALY
	Do you really expect me to believe this is
	a straight stalker case?

		TED
	I'm not a stalker ! She's a friend of mine.

		HEALY
	Sure she is. That's why she got an unlisted
	number and you haven't heard squat from her
	in a dozen years. Oh you're good, Ted.
	You're a real piece of work.

		TED
		(stands)
	Look, let's forget it. Let's forget the
	whole thing.

		HEALY
	I get one hundred a day plus expenses.

		TED
		(LAUGHS at Healy's nerve)
	You get fifty a day, period. It's a
	business trip, they'll pay for your
	expenses.

Healy thinks about it.

		HEALY
	Okay, Ted, I'll do it. But if this chick
	turns up with a toe tag, I'm rolling over
	on you.

						CUT TO:

ESTABLISHING SHOT - of Miami Beach

EXT. COLLINS AVENUE - DAY

Healy waits alone on a corner carrying one bag and a RACK OF
BEERS. Suddenly a '89 Chrysler Lebaron convertible with a GREAT
DANE in the back SCREECHES to a halt in front of him. The driver,
SULLY, is a muscular, well-groomed man in his thirties.

		SULLY
	Healy you dog!

		HEALY
		(checking out car)
	Fucking Sully! Look at you!

		SULLY
		(Boston accent)
	You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser.

INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAY

The dog is catching wind in the backseat and Sully hands Healy a
packet.

		SULLY
	Here's the info you asked for.

		HEALY
	Thanks.

		SULLY
	You should thank me--that girl was not easy
	to find. What'd she scam you out of-some
	insurance dough?

		HEALY
	Nah, some guy threw me a few bucks to track
	down his high school girlfriend.

		SULLY
	Stalker, huh?

		HEALY
	Big time.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - DAY

This place is modest and clean but it has a direct view of South
Beach. Healy puts his bags down and looks around.

		HEALY
	Very nice.

		SULLY
	I'm doing okay.
		(checks watch)
	I gotta get ready for work.

Sully ducks into the bedroom and Healy looks around the apartment.

		HEALY
	Okay? With this pad, the killer wheels?
	Looks like you really cleaned up your act.

		SULLY (O.S.)
	What can I tell you? It's a healthier
	lifestyle down here, and it's easier to
	succeed when your head's clear. Those guys
	I worked with back in Boston, they were a
	bad influence.

		HEALY
	Fuckin' animals. Hey, what do you say we go
	grab a couple drinks.

		SULLY (O.S.)
	Not for me, buddy. I don't drink anymore.

		HEALY
	Yeah, and you don't drink any less, right?

Suddenly a huge Boa Constrictor slithers up on Healy's lap.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	What the...?!

Sully comes back in the room wearing a police uniform.

		SULLY
	Take it easy, that's Bill.

		HEALY
	Tell Bill to get the fuck off!

		SULLY
		(smiling)
	Relax, he just ate.

Healy just stares at his friend.

		SULLY (cont'd)
		(proudly)
	Nineteen months I been sober.

		HEALY
	What are you talking about? You were never
	an alky, you were a cokehead.

		SULLY
	Yeah, well when you quit blow, you gotta
	quit the booze, too.

		HEALY
	Is that right? Well good for you, Sull, I'm
	proud of you.

Healy pops open one of his beers and hands it to Sully.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	Here, just have one of these then.

		SULLY
	Healy, what I just tell you?

		HEALY
	This is a light beer. You can't have a
	light beer?

		SULLY
	No I can't.

Healy stares at him, baffled.

		HEALY
	Sully, it's one fuckin' beer for Christ
	sakes.
		(holds up beer)
	Ooh, the big bad beer's gonna get ya.

Sully stares at the beer, weakening.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	I'm worried about you, man. You better
	learn to have a pop once in a while or
	you're gonna fall off the wagon. You're
	being a fanatic and that ain't healthy.

		SULLY
	Am I?

		HEALY
	Bet your ass you are. Now I don't want to
	hear anymore of your happy horseshit. You
	gotta learn how to bend a little or believe
	me...you're gonna break.

Finally, Sully takes the beer. He stares at it a moment and then
sips.

		SULLY
	Jesus, you know what? This shit doesn't
	even taste good to me anymore.

		HEALY
	Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. What are
	you, spotting?

Healy takes the beer from Sully and as he chugs it, we

						CUT TO:

INT. CHRYSLER LEBARON - DAWN

Healy is on a stakeout. He's dozing. He's been here for hours,
food wrappers litter Sully's car. He's wearing Walkman-type
HEADPHONES which are connected to a RADIO SURVEILLANCE MICROPHONE
attached to a pair of BINOCULARS.

Suddenly MUSIC explodes through his headphones--Healy's jolted
awake. Who threw the grenade? Recovering, Healy aims the
binoculars toward...

HEALY'S POV - MARY'S APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET

Healy has a clear, unobstructed view into Mary's apartment. The
music is coming from Mary's clock radio. MARY sits up in bed and
shakes herself awake, like someone's just poured cold water over
her. She cranks the music even LOUDER. Mary hops out of bed,
wearing only her panties, and though she's a little older now, she
still looks well cast.

CLOSE UP - ON HEALY - he's become extremely interested in his
work. As much as Healy's enjoying the show, he's got a job to
do--he speaks into a MICRO-CASSETTE RECORDER:

		HEALY
		(into recorder)
	Okay, Ted, I found your Mary. Her current
	address, two-niner-eight Euclid Avenue,
	Miami Beach. Husband, negative. Children
	and Labrador, negative. Extremely nice ass,
	affirmative.

INT. MARY'S APT. - DAY

Mary walks into the living room where we see an old woman, MAGDA,
sitting on the couch LISTENING to a stack of RADIO SCANNERS.

		MARY
	Have you been up all night again?

		MAGDA
	Bet your ass I have. It's an important job,
	Neighborhood Watch is.

		MARY
	Neighborhood Watch? Is that what you call
	listening in on stranger's phone
	conversations?

		MAGDA
	These ain't strangers, they're neighbors.
	This only picks up signals in a half-mile
	radius.

		MARY
	Meaning?

		MAGDA
	Meaning these are the people you live
	amongst, you got a right to know if they're
	creeps. For instance, did you know there's
	a guy down the hall cheating on his wife?

		MARY
		(feigning shock)
	You picked that up on the scanner. We gotta
	move.

		MAGDA
	I confirmed it on the scanner. I knew
	something was up because Puffy used to bark
	like hell whenever he saw him and you know
	Puffy only barks at bad people.

Magda pats her little dog PUFFY on the head.

		MARY
	Magda, Puffy barks at everybody.

		MAGDA
	That's because there's a lot of bad people
	out there. Hey, Puffy tried to warn you
	about that Steve guy you was seeing--he was
	a fucking asswipe--but you had to find out
	for yourself, didn't you?

		MARY
	Okay, you win. Now try to get some sleep,
	huh.

Mary gives Magda a kiss and heads to her bedroom.

						CUT TO:

MUSIC MONTAGE - as Healy follows Mary around town.

EXT. EUCLID AVENUE - MORNING

Mary exits her apartment and bounces out into the world. There is
a HOMELESS MAN sitting on the sidewalk. Mary flips him an apple,
then jumps in her Honda Civic and drives off.

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - MORNING

Mary is at the range HITTING a couple buckets of balls.

ON HEALY - watching from the parking lot.

		HEALY
		(into mic)
	Looks like we got an athlete on our hands.

EXT. MACDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU WINDOW - MORNING

Mary waits in the drive-thru lane reading the SPORTS PAGE. Finally
the window opens and she is handed a HUGE BAG OF FOOD.

PAN TO Healy watching from his car.

		HEALY
		(into mic)
	Well, from her figure and her appetite, I'm
	guessing she's either got a bowel disorder
	or we've got a hurler on our hands.

EXT. SPECIAL ED. CENTER - MORNING

Mary's brother Warren is wearing a walkman as he plays catch out
front with a SPECIAL ED TEACHER while several other
MENTALLY-DISABLED PATIENTS entertain themselves.

Mary pulls up, gets out, and starts handing out Egg McMuffins.

		MARY
	Get in line. One at a time.

A fat patient, GARY, approaches.

		GARY
	Can I have two, Mary?

		MARY
	Yeah, you can have two halves, just like
	everyone else.

		GARY
	Thanks.

Gary takes his and walks off. A couple more patients and then
bucktoothed FREDDIE steps up to her.

		FREDDIE
	Will you marry me, Mary?

		MARY
	Oh yeah, pretty boy? And what about
	Dolores?

Mary points to another PATIENT staring bashfully at Freddie.

		FREDDIE
	Would you marry us both, Mary?

		MARY
	Yeah, that'd be a good deal for you,
	wouldn't it?

Freddie moves off and fat Gary is back, trying to be
inconspicuous.

		MARY (cont'd)
	Wow, this is weird. There was somebody who
	looked just like you here a minute ago.

Mary smiles and hands Gary another McMuffin.

CLOSE ON Healy.

		HEALY
		(into mic)
	Ixnay on the big appetite.
		(beat)
	She's just got a big heart.

EXT. BEACH BAR - DAY

Neighborhood restaurant and bar. After-work crowd. Mary and her
friends, BRENDA, LISA, and JOANIE are sitting at a table under an
umbrella. Lisa reads from the PERSONALS COLUMN in South Beach
Magazine.

		LISA
	Listen to this one--'Seeking sensitive Wasp
	doctor to share candlelit dinners, long
	walks in Coconut Grove, marriage.'

		BRENDA
	What does this girl want, a corpse? You
	gotta be more specific: 'Seeking deaf mute
	with three pound cock and trust fund.'

		JOANIE
	No, it should be 'a hockey player with
	great pecs.'

		MARY
	Ugh, not pecs. Sounds like one of those
	guys with a fish-net shirt and a banana
	hammock.

PAN TO the bar where we see Healy eavesdropping on their
conversation.

		BRENDA (O.S.)
		(to Mary)
	I suppose you wouldn't like someone with a
	washboard stomach like Brad Pitt?

BACK ON Mary and friends.

		MARY
	I'm just saying I don't mind a guy with a
	bit of a beer belly. It means he's a guy.
	You can have those pretty boys who hang out
	in a gym all day staring at their
	reflections.

ON HEALY

		HEALY
		(quietly into mic)
	A girl after your own heart, Ted.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

		JOANIE
	I can live with those reflections.

		MARY
	I'm sick of these calorie-countin' pansies.
	Give me a guy who likes kielbasa and beer
	and playing thirty-six holes and still has
	enough energy to take me and Warren out to
	a ballgame.

		JOANIE
		(sarcastic)
	Jeez, I don't know where you're ever going
	to find a guy like that.

		MARY
	But here's the rub. The guy I'm talking
	about has got to be self-employed.

		LISA
	You mean, like an architect or something?

		MARY
	Architect, yeah.

BRENDA You mean creative, but not poor.

		MARY
	No, it's not the money. Creative, yeah,
	that's good, but it's the freedom I'm
	talking about. See, this guy has to have a
	job he could do anywhere. That way we could
	just up and leave at the drop of a hat.

		LISA
	And where would you and your beer-bellied
	architect be leaving to?

		MARY
	I don't know. The Super Bowl, New Orleans
	Jazz Festival...maybe a couple months in
	Nepal.

		JOANIE
	Yeah, and you'd probably dump the poor guy
	halfway to Katmandu.

		MARY
	What's that supposed to mean?

		JOANIE
	It means you're too hard on guys.

		MARY
	No I'm not.

		JOANIE
	Oh come off it, Mare. What about
	what's-his-name...Steverino? You could've
	at least passed the baton on that one.

The girls LAUGH.

		MARY
	Yeah, Steve. Steve was all right for
	awhile.

		JOANIE
	All right for awhile? The guy's
	good-looking, rich, witty. He was a god.

		LISA
	At one point you were talking about
	marrying him. Come on, why'd you dump him?

Mary thinks about this.

		MARY
	I don't know, it was complicated. He's in
	San Francisco, I'm in Miami.
		(dodging question)
	Besides, Magda's psychic dog hated him.

		JOANIE
	Is that old crab still with you? Mary, you
	said you were putting her up for a
	month--it's been a year and a half.

		MARY
	Ah, she's okay.

		LISA
	Mary, cut the crap, what really happened
	with Steve?

		MARY
	Nothing. I mean, you know my brother.
		(sighs)
	Warren.

		JOANIE
	What? Steve seemed to put up with Warren.

		MARY
	I don't want someone who'll put up with
	him. I want someone who will enjoy him, the
	way I do. Do you know what he told my
	friend Tucker? He said he would've popped
	the question a lot earlier if Warren wasn't
	in my life.
		(beat)
	Well he is in my life and I'm goddamn
	lucky to have him. The hell with Steve.

Everyone is touched by this. Then:

		BRENDA
	Well, that's the last time I blow him
	behind your back.

As the girls LAUGH, we

						CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Healy sits out front in his car again waiting for Mary to get
home. He picks up the phone, dials a number, and someone answers
but doesn't speak.

		HEALY
	Hello...? Sully...?
		(beat)
	Sully, that you?

		SULLY (V.O.)
		(over phone)
	Who the fuck is it to you?

		HEALY
	Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over
	there?

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Sully is sitting on the kitchen floor in his police uniform, a
ring of white around his nostrils. The room is littered with beer
cans, he has another one in his hand, there's a pile of cocaine
and a rolled-up bill on the breakfast table. The dog and the snake
are in the doorway looking at him with concern.

		SULLY
		(into phone, sloshed)
	Fuckin' Patrick Healy, you think your shit
	don't stink. Well I got news for
	you--you're goddamn right it don't! How the
	hell are ya?!

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy looks at the phone, concerned.

		HEALY
	Uh, I'm fine. Just wanted to let you know
	I'll have your car back in a couple hours,
	I'm still staking out this girl's
	apartment.

		SULLY (V.O.)
	You found my car?!

Just then Healy notices Mary pull up and park. He slides down in
his seat.

ON MARY> - she gets out carrying a bag and approaches the
Homeless Man, who is still sitting on the sidewalk. She hands him
the bag.

		HOMELESS MAN
	Thanks, Mary.

		MARY
	You watch out for yourself, Herb.

As Mary bounds up the steps of her building, we

HOLD ON the Homeless Man as he happily takes a sandwich and soda
out of the bag.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Mary rushes into the apartment, Magda is glued to her radio
scanner, listening intently.

		MAGDA
	Jesus, Mary, you gotta hear this--some
	cop's staking out this broad's apartment.

		MARY
	No time, Magda, my show's starting.

BACK ON HEALY...

... he can hear the conversation through the SURVEILLANCE EQUIPMENT
pointed at Mary's place.

		MAGDA (V.O.)
	This is a good one, Mare. Sounds like his
	partner's all lubed up.

		HEALY
		(quietly into phone)
	Call you back.

		SULLY
		(over phone)
	God, I miss ya, ya fuck-

Healy hangs up abruptly.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

		MAGDA
	Ah, Christ, I lost 'em.

Mary runs into her bedroom, shuts the door and flips on the tube
just as ESPN Sportscenter's OPENING THEME SONG is playing.
Relieved, Mary lays back on her bed and starts watching.

						DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Mary is now watching Andy Griffith while SMOKING A JOINT and
GIGGLING away in bed.

ON HEALY - he's sitting in his car, GIGGLING, too.

		HEALY
	Fucking Barney...he never learns...

INT. MARY'S ROOM - NIGHT

As the show's end credits start to WHISTLE AWAY, Mary stands and
starts to UNDRESS for bed.

BACK ON HEALY - he sits up, very interested now.

		HEALY
		(into mic)
	Here we go, Teddo. Here comes the money
	shot.

Healy quickly reaches in the back seat and pulls out a bigger,
MORE POWERFUL PAIR OF BINOCULARS.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - we're CLOSE ON the wrinkliest,
saggiest, droopiest set of milkbags on the planet.

ON HEALY - he cringes.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	Oooof. First chink in the armor, Teddy
	Boy....

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - He moves his view up from the tits to
reveal...MAGDA UNDRESSING for bed.

ON HEALY - He flinches, sickened by his mistake, then
repositions the binoculars dead left to the next window.

HEALY'S BINOCULAR POV - moving over to the next window we see...
Mary as she just finishes putting on some sexy t-shirt.

ON HEALY - as he starts to drool.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	Oh sweet Jesus

						DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE - THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted is sitting alone having a beer when a smiling Healy
approaches.

		HEALY
	I've got some very, very good news for you,
	my friend.

		TED
	Really?
		(perking up)
	Very, very?

Healy sits down and motions for a beer.

		HEALY
	I think your life's about to change.

		TED
	So you found Mary?

		HEALY
	Right there in Liberty City. And you were
	right, she's really something.

		TED
		(smiles)
	So she hasn't changed?

		HEALY
	That I couldn't. say. Let me ask you
	something: Was she a little big-boned
	in high school?

		TED
	No, not at all.

		HEALY
	Well she must've packed on a few pounds
	over the years.

This doesn't dampen Ted's enthusiasm.

		TED
	Mary's a little chubby, huh?

		HEALY
	I'd say about a deuce, deuce and a half.
	Not bad.

Ted's smile starts to fade.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	But you know, you shit out a bunch of kids,
	you're going to put on a few pounds.

		TED
	So she's married?

		HEALY
	Nope. Never been.

		TED
	Huh?

		HEALY
	Four kids, three different guys.

		TED
	Three different guys?

		HEALY
	Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two
	whites, and a midget.

		TED
	Oh my.

		HEALY
	Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to
	keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet.

		TED
	She's in a wheelchair?!

Ted looks completely drained.

		HEALY
	Don't look so shocked, it's been a long
	time. I bet you've changed a lot over the
	last twelve years, haven't you?

		TED
		(shrugs)
	It's just that...Mary. I wouldn't have
	thought...

		HEALY
	Anyway, the good news is I have all the
	information you need. Got it from her
	bookie--nice guy. You should definitely
	call her, Ted. I mean she's a real
	sparkplug, that one. She seems determined
	to get those rugrats off welfare and with
	your help I'll bet she does it.

Ted stands and starts moping away.

		TED
	Thanks, Healy. Good work.

		HEALY
	Ted? Don't you want the name of the
	housing project?

		TED
	Uh, that's okay.

		HEALY
	You sure, big guy? I'll bet she'd love to
	hear from you before her mastectomy!

As Ted leaves, Healy puts his feet up on the table and sits back.

INT. TED'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

We PAN across the room of unopened boxes to Ted laying awake in
bed. We hear HEAD-BANGER MUSIC coming from the apartment next
door. Finally Ted gets up and walks over to his dresser. As he
flips on a small light we see loose change, a balled-up Kleenex, a
few golf tees, and Ted's wallet. Ted picks up the wallet and opens
it.

TED'S POV - Inside is an an old high school photo of a smiling
Mary.

As Ted looks at it, he can't help but smile, too.

INT. PROVIDENCE UNION INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

ON HEALY'S CUBICLE - Healy's taking his last boxload of crap out
of his cubicle when he spots Ted. He tries to duck back in but
Ted sees him. Healy forces a smile as Ted approaches.

		TED
	What are you doing?

		HEALY
	Oh, uh, I resigned.

Ted picks up a plane ticket off the desk.

		TED
	Miami?

		HEALY
	Yeah, this insurance business is too slow
	for me. I'm going to go down and try my
	hand at jai alai.

		TED
	Jai alai?

		HEALY
	Yeah, I don't know why but I always felt at
	home in the fronton.

Healy starts walking out of the office and Ted follows. Healy is
having a hard time looking him in the eye. So he doesn't.

		TED
	Look, uh, I've been thinking about
	everything you told me.

		HEALY
	Good good.

		TED
	Well I think you're right, I should look
	her up.

		HEALY
	Rollerpig? Are you nuts?

		TED
	But you said she was a sparkplug...?

		HEALY
	I said buttplug. She's heinous.

Ted SIGHS and follows Healy out the front door.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

They walk across the lot toward Healy's car.

		TED
	All the same, I still want to call her. I
	know it sounds crazy--Mary sure has a lot
	of troubles in her life--but, I don't know,
	maybe I can help her out.
		(sighs)
	The poor thing's had it tough--she's in a
	wheelchair for Godsakes.

		HEALY
	It's a goddamn bunion. It'll heal.

		TED
	Oh. I thought
		(beat)
	That's not it anyway. I know this doesn't
	make any sense to you, but I just can't
	turn it off that fast. I still feel
	something for her.

Healy comes to his car and puts his stuff in the trunk.

		HEALY
	Okay, tell you what: I'll get her number
	for you just as soon as she gets back from
	Japan.

		TED
	Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

		HEALY
	You've heard of mail-order brides? Well
	they go that way, too.

Ted is devastated.

		TED
	Mary's a mail-order bride?

		HEALY
	Fetched a pretty penny, too. Don't forget,
	it's the Sumo culture, they pay by the
	pound there. Sort of like tuna.

Off Ted's look, we

						CUT TO:

EXT. THE HOT CLUB - DAY

Ted and Dom are having a beer and a dog.

		TED
	That's it, I'm making an oath. I'll never
	procrastinate about anything again. Life is
	too fucking short.

		DOM
	Hey, look on the bright side--

		TED
		(interrupting)
	What's that, Dom? What's the bright side?

		DOM
	Well...at least now you know.

		TED
	I think it was better when I didn't. It was
	kind of inspiring to know there was someone
	so pure in the world.

As Ted dwells on this, Dom bursts out LAUGHING.

		TED
	What's so funny?

		DOM
	I'm sorry, it's just that you're taking
	this all wrong, pal. Don't you see? You're
	liberated. I feel liberated. I mean here
	you've been in therapy thinking you blew it
	with the greatest girl ever, and it turns
	out that getting your dick stuck in your
	zipper was the best thing that ever
	happened to you!

Ted flinches at this.

		TED
	Wait a second, I never told you that.

		DOM
	Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.

Ted thinks it over.

		TED
	Maybe you're right. I should look on the
	bright side. I mean, I've still got my
	health...
		(checks watch)
	I'm out of here. I've got to get up at six
	a.m. to move my boss's brother into his
	apartment.

		DOM
	What? On your day off? Do you even know
	the guy?

		TED
	Never met him.

		DOM
	Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn
	novel so you can quit that stupid magazine.

		TED
	Amen to that.

						CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI - DRIVING RANGE - DAY

Healy pays for a bucket of balls, then takes his clubs and strolls
jauntily to...

A GOLF TEE NEXT TO MARY'S

Healy places a ball on the tee and takes a swing. He tops the ball
and it dribbles about ten yards.

		HEALY
	Hit a house! Bite bite!
		(to Mary)
	Haven't swung the wrenches in a while.

Mary nods. Healy takes another swing and duck-hooks one about
fifty yards. Mary addresses her ball, takes a smooth backswing,
and

		HEALY (cont'd)
	Hey, can you give me some tips here?

She cracks her shot long and straight.

		MARY
	Yeah, don't talk in someone's backswing.

		HEALY
	Thanks.

Mary tees up another ball and Healy puts down his club.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	I'm gonna get a soda, you want one?

		MARY
		(annoyed)
	No thanks.

Healy pulls out a huge wad of change from his pocket.

		HEALY
	Oh cripes. Do you have change for a dollar?
	All I have is these stupid Nepalese coins.

		MARY
		(interested)
	Nepal? Have you been?

		HEALY
	Not in months. I don't even know why I
	bought the damn place.

		MARY
	You own a home there?

		HEALY
	Well...it's just a condo really. Right
	outside Katmandu.

		MARY
	Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to
	go. Is it true the mountains are so tall
	you can't see the tops?

		HEALY
	Not 'til you get about three hundred yards
	from the summit. That's been my experience
	anyway.

She looks impressed. Healy looks at his watch.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	You know, I should just get going. I'll
	work on my game next week.

He flips her a coin.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	Here. Spend it on your trip to Katmandu.

		MARY
		(smiles)
	Thanks.

Healy starts to walk off. Mary doesn't know what to do. Will she
ever see this guy again?

		MARY (cont'd)
		(CALLS after him)
	It was nice meeting you!

Healy doesn't answer or turn around. He just raises his hand and
gives her a little wave.

Mary shrugs her shoulders. Oh well...

EXT. DRIVING RANGE PARKING LOT - DAY

Healy is sitting in Sully's Chrysler LeBaron, right next to Mary's
Honda Civic.

He watches the rear-view mirror, and the moment he sees Mary
coming out from the driving range, he swings his legs out the door
and starts changing out of his golf shoes. As Mary tosses her
golf bag into the trunk, she notices Healy tying his shoes. A
second chance.

		MARY
	Well, it was nice meeting you, again.

		HEALY
	Same here again.

		MARY
	By the way, what's your name?

		HEALY
	Pat Healy.

There's an uncomfortable pause...Why doesn't this guy ask the
usual questions?

		MARY
	Don't you want to know my name?

		HEALY
	I already know it, Mary.

		MARY
		(surprised)
	How'd you know that?

		HEALY
	It's right there on your golf bag.

Healy opens the back door to put away his golf shoes. Suddenly,
rolls and rolls of paper come tumbling out. Mary bends over to
help Healy pick them up.

		MARY
	What are you doing with all these
	blueprints?

		HEALY
	Some buildings I'm working on.

		MARY
	Are you...an architect?

		HEALY
	Well, just until I get my PGA Tour card.

Mary stares at him, mouth agape.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could call
	me an architect--it's just a job really, a
	way to keep me moving. My real passion is
	my hobby.

		MARY
	What's that?

		HEALY
	I work with retards.

		MARY
		(taken aback)
	I beg your pardon?

		HEALY
	You know...
		(flaps lips with fingers)
	...the guys who ride the short bus.

		MARY
		(put off)
	Isn't that a little politically incorrect?

		HEALY
	The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me
	who I can and can't work with.

		MARY
	No, I mean

		HEALY
	--There's this one kid, we call him Mongo
	on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out
	of his cage once and--

		MARY
	--He's in a cage?!

		HEALY
	Well it's more of an enclosure really.

		MARY
	They keep him confined? That's bullshit!

		HEALY
	That's what I said, so I went out and got
	him a leash you know, one of those
	clothesline runners for the backyard. He's
	got plenty of room out there to dig. The
	kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him
	to ball games, movies--you know, happy
	stuff.

		MARY
	That sounds like fun.

		HEALY
	Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven
	for me.
		(getting emotional)
	Those goofy bastards are just about the
	best thing I have in this crazy old world.
		(checks watch)
	Ooh, hey, I gotta run.

		MARY
		(won back over)
	Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go
	have dinner sometime.

Healy smiles at this and we

						CUT TO:

EXT. PROVIDENCE APARTMENT - 7:45 A.M.

A profusely sweating Ted has a DRESSER ON HIS BACK and EEKS his
way toward the front door as his BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER catches
up to him IN A WHEELCHAIR. (The man is a quadriplegic who needs to
use a MOUTHPIECE to operate his chair.)

		BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
	Hey, shit-for-brains, be careful not to
	scratch that thing, huh?

		TED
		(straining)
	What?

		BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
	You heard me. You already put a fucking
	nick in my piano.

		TED
		(biting tongue)
	I'll try to be more careful.

		BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
	S'matter with you? You look like you're
	fading.

		TED
	The thing's kind of heavy.

		BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
	Heavy? Heavy?! What I wouldn't give to know
	what heavy feels like, you insensitive
	prick.

		TED
	No, I just meant...

		BOSS'S DISABLED BROTHER
	Yeah yeah. I'm going to the corner to get a
	cup of coffee.

The Boss's Disabled Brother bites into the mouthpiece and ZIPS
AWAY up the sidewalk. Ted takes a step. Rests. A step. Rests.

		ASSERTIVE WOMAN'S VOICE
	Hey you!

Ted glances back toward the street to see a T.V. NEWS REPORTER
from the CHANNEL 7 I-TEAM rushing toward him with a NEWS CREW on
her heels.

		T.V. NEWS REPORTER (cont'd)
	Do you know that you're parked in a
	handicapped spot?

						CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY

Ted is splayed out on a table in obvious pain while DR. LALONDE,
an old high school pal, palpates his spine.

		DR. LALONDE
		(smirking)
	So...I see you made the news.

		TED
		(angry and embarrassed)
	It wasn't my truck--I was helping out a guy
	in a wheelchair.

		DR. LALONDE
		(dubious)
	Uh-huh. Where was he?

		TED
	Out getting coffee.

		DR. LALONDE
	Yeah, that's more or less what the others
	said, too. Out getting coffee...supposed to
	meet him here...picking up my grandma...

Ted turns and GLARES at him.

		DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
	I'm just saying...They sure made you look
	dumb.

Ted SIGHS. A couple big CRACKS of the neck.

		TED
	Bob, do you remember Mary?

		DR. LALONDE
	Who?

		TED
	Mary.

		DR. LALONDE
	From high school Mary? Yeah, I saw her
	about six months ago at a convention in Las
	Vegas.

Ted sits up.

		TED
	A convention? How'd you see her at a
	convention?

		DR. LALONDE
	I'm an orthopedic surgeon, she's an
	orthopedic surgeon.

The Doc SIGHS, still able to recall the feeling.

		DR. LALONDE (cont'd)
	What a babe...

Ted sits up on his elbows.

		TED
	Babe?

						CUT TO:

INT. PROVIDENCE MUTUAL INSURANCE COMPANY - DAY

A buckled-over Ted limps into Dom's office with a crazed look on
his face.

		TED
	Mary's a babe!

		DOM
	What?

		TED
	My Mary--she's not in Japan, she's single,
	and she's got no rugrats. She does have a
	little gambling problem, she plays the
	football cards a bit too much, but she's a
	babe, a surgeon babe!

		DOM
	Huh? But why did Healy?

		TED
	Well think about it.

Ted folds his arms.

		DOM
	No You mean...?

		TED
	Uh-huh.

		DOM
	The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look
	her up.

		TED
		(nodding)
	That sneaky prick was probably practicing
	his jai alai.

Dom shakes his head. Then:

		DOM
	Well then you've got to call her, man.

		TED
	Fuck calling her. I'm going down there.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

While Mary gets ready for her date, Magda sits in front of the
radio scanner in her bathrobe with her little dog Puffy on her
lap.

		MAGDA
	So who's the lucky guy?

		MARY
	Name's Patrick, I met him at the driving
	range.

		MAGDA
	Good lookin'?

		MARY
	He's no Steve Young.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT 69

Healy, listening through his headphones, reacts to this.

		MAGDA (V.O.)
	What's he like?

		MARY (V.O.)
	I don't know. He's kind of a mook.

		MAGDA (V.O.)
	What's a mook?

		MARY (V.O.)
	You know, a mookalone, a schlep.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

		MAGDA
	Then why you going out with him if he's a
	schlep?

		MARY
	Come on, Magda
		(SIGHS)
	It's like that movie Harold and Maude.

		MAGDA
	I don't watch the new ones.

		MARY
	This one's almost thirty years old. It's
	about a young kid and an old lady who fall
	in love.

		MAGDA
	That's exactly why I don't watch 'em
	anymore--it's bullshit! Why the hell would
	an old lady go for a young kid?

Mary smiles at this.

		MARY
	The point is, love isn't about money or
	social standing or age, it's about
	connecting with someone, having things in
	common kindred spirits.

		MAGDA
	Fuck kindred spirits. My little Puffy
	here's gonna tell you all you need to know
	about this guy in about two seconds flat.
	If he starts yapping, he's a loser; if
	Puffy's relaxed...well, you got yourself a
	keeper.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

As Healy thinks about this, we

						CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT

Healy enters the building.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy tiptoes up to Mary's apartment door. He peeks through the
mail slot.

HEALY'S POV - Puffy is staring at him and GROWLING.

Healy reaches in his pocket, pulls out a VALIUM and a DOGGY TREAT.
Healy shoves the pill into the treat's soft center, examines it,
then thinks what the hell and SHOVES IN ANOTHER ONE.

Puffy GROWLS LOUDER. Healy pops the treat through the mail slot
and listens as the dog DEVOURS IT. Healy looks at his watch, then
sneaks back outside to wait a few minutes for the drugs to kick
in.

						CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Healy is sitting on Mary's couch with Puffy spread-eagled
upside-down on his lap, KNOCKED OUT COLD. Mary and Magda look on
in amazement.

		HEALY
		(baby talk)
	Oh, Pufferball likes his little tum-tum
	rubbed, doesn't he now?

		MARY
	Wow, I've never seen him like this. He
	doesn't usually like guys.

		MAGDA
	You mean he doesn't like bad guys.

		HEALY
	'That right?

		MAGDA
	He can tell you're an animal nut. You are,
	aren't ya?

		HEALY
	Truth is I usually get along better with
	animals than with people. In Nepal the
	villagers call me 'Kin-tan-tee', which
	means 'man who is loved by many animals...
		(babbling)
	...who love him a lot, too...and so on.'

Magda stares dreamily at Healy, smitten.

		MAGDA
	Would you like a glass of tea or something?

		HEALY
	You got a brew?

		MARY
	Sure.
		(noticing Magda's trance)
	Uh, Magda, why don't you get some more
	cheese and crackers...?

		MAGDA
	Oh, yeah, of course, dear.

The two women go into the kitchen and Healy is left to pet the
MOTIONLESS DOG. Suddenly Healy notices that the dog is A LITTLE
TOO MOTIONLESS. Healy checks Puffy's pulse. He looks at his watch
to time the rate.

		MARY (O.S.)
		(CALLING out)
	Sorry, Pat, out of beer. You like vodka?

		HEALY
		(CALLING out)
	Great.

He starts SHAKING THE DOG, but Puffy doesn't move. Healy goes into
action. He starts pressing on his heart, PERFORMING DOGGIE CPR.
One-and-two-and-three, he continues trying to revive him.

		MAGDA (O.S.)
		(CALLING out)
	Would you like a little clam-dip, honey?

		HEALY
		(CALLING out)
	No, thanks.
		(panicking)
	Love a little bundt cake if you have some!

INT. MARY'S KITCHEN - SAME

Magda and Mary are on their way out the door when they stop.

		MAGDA
	Bundt cake?

		MARY
		(shrugs)
	Must have a sweet tooth. See if you can
	find some cookies.

As Magda starts to go through the cupboards...

INT. MARY'S FAMILY ROOM - SAME

A panicked Healy is giving the little mutt MOUTH-TO-MOUTH now.
Then back to the heart, the mouth, the heart, the mouth....

		HEALY
		(quietly, desperately, to Puffy)
	Come on, man, stay away from the light!

Healy resumes blowing into the dog's snout, pumping his chest,
with no results. Desperate, he picks up the cheese knife and
quickly SLICES THE WIRES ON TWO TABLE LAMPS.

Healy grabs the two wires and TOUCHES THEM TOGETHER LIKE A
DEFIBRILLATOR on the little pooch's chest.

ZZZZZTTTTTT - the dog BOUNCES a couple feet off the couch as
SPARKS FLY.

Healy takes his pulse again. Nothing. He ZAPS him once more with
the LIVE WIRES.

ZZZZZTTTTT - Still nothing. Healy gets to his feet and peeks
into the kitchen. When he turns his back, we see PUFFY IGNITE IN
FLAMES.

When Healy turns back, he's horrified at what he sees. He grabs a
vase of flowers and POURS THE WATER ON THE BURNING DOG.

With this, Puffy flinches and comes to, GASPING FOR AIR!

		MAGDA
	All I had was some Funny Bones--how does
	that sound, honey?

Healy picks up the stunned pooch and swaddles it in a blanket as
Magda ENTERS the room followed by Mary.

		HEALY
		(petting dog)
	Fine. Fine.

		MARY
	Here you go.
		(sniffs)
	What's that smell?

Mary hands Healy his vodka and as he downs it, we

						CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI MUSEUM - NIGHT

Healy looks slightly disoriented as Mary leads the way into the
courtyard area by the main building.

		HEALY
	The museum? I thought we were going out to
	dinner?

		MARY
	We will, but first I have a surprise.

		HEALY
	A surprise?

		MARY
	The architecture exhibit! My friend Tucker
	is going to be here. He's an architect,
	too. You guys will have tons to talk about.

CLOSE ON HEALY'S FACE as he starts to panic.

INT. ARCHITECTURE EXHIBIT

Mary and Healy walk through the exhibit area. Mary scans the room
for her friend. Healy's face is ashen.

		MARY
	I know he's around here someplace.

		HEALY
		(chipper)
	What say we get outta here and go crush a
	bucket?

		MARY
	We just got here thirty seconds ago. Isn't
	this stuff great?

Mary points to an architectural model.

		MARY (cont'd)
	Is this one art deco or art nouveau?

		HEALY
	Deco.

		MARY
	Would you call that a portico or a
	vestibule?

		HEALY
	That...? Vestibule.

		MARY
	How about--?

		HEALY
	When you look at architecture, try not to
	concern yourself with the pieces--look at
	the building in its totalitarianism.

Mary gives him a look. Suddenly, Healy draws a couple of invisible
sixshooters at her.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	Stone crab time! Come on, let's get outta
	here, goofy.

He turns to go but Mary notices something O.S.

		MARY
	Tucker!

Mary leads Healy over to her friend TUCKER, a
distinguished-looking man in his fifties. Healy looks like a dog
that's being dragged to the vet. Mary and Tucker embrace.

		TUCKER
		(still hugging)
	Come on, like you mean it.

Mary LAUGHS and hugs Tucker tighter. Then:

		MARY
	Tucker, this is my friend Pat Healy.
	Healy and Tucker shake hands.

		TUCKER
	Pleasure to meet you, Patrick.

		HEALY
	Same here.

		MARY
	Pat's an architect, too.

		TUCKER
	Hey, no kidding? Where are your offices?

		HEALY
		(keeping cool)
	Mainly I work out of Boston.

		TUCKER
	Boston, huh? Did you get your degree up
	there?

		HEALY
	Yes yes, I did get my degree up there.

		TUCKER
	Harvard?

		HEALY
	You bet.

		TUCKER
		(pleased)
	Did you study under Kim Greene?

		HEALY
	Among others.

		TUCKER
	Kim and I are close friends!

		HEALY
	Well, I'll tell her I ran into you.

		TUCKER
	You mean him.

BEAT.

		HEALY
	Well...that's debatable.

Healy makes a hand-gesture to imply that Kim's sexuality is in
doubt.

		TUCKER
	Really? But he's been married for twenty
	years--they've got six kids.

		HEALY
	Nice smokescreen, isn't it?

Tucker can hardly believe his ears.

		MARY
	Pat does projects all over the world.

		TUCKER
		(impressed)
	Where would I have seen your work?

		HEALY
	Have you been to
		(thinking hard)
	Let's see--Santiago, Chile?

		TUCKER
	Absolutely! I was there twice last year.
	Which building is yours?

		HEALY
	Do you know the...soccer stadium?

		TUCKER
	Did you build the Estadio Olympico?

		HEALY
	No...just down the street, the Amigo Tower.

		TUCKER
	I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with it. What
	style?

		HEALY
	Uh, sort of nouveau deco...with a big
	vestibule. Check it out next time you're up
	there.

Tucker starts to look a little suspicious.

		TUCKER
	You know, I really should take your card.

		HEALY
		(noticing something)
	Oh look, it's Doob! Will you excuse me a
	minute, Tucker?

Healy drags Mary across the room toward a MAN who's looking at an
exhibit.

		HEALY
		(to Man)
	Dooby, you old sheep-fucker! How the hell
	are ya?

		MAN
	My name's Mel.

		HEALY
	Oh, sorry. Anyone ever tell you you look
	just like Jim Dubois?

		MAN
	The sheepfucker?

Healy shrugs and the man walks away angrily.

						CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT

A two-door Toyota Tercel flies by the camera.

INT. TOYOTA TERCEL

A determined Ted is cruising along the highway in his rent-a-car.
He has a cup of coffee in his hand and a HITCHHIKER in the seat
beside him. The Hitchhiker sits with a LARGE RED DUFFEL BAG
between his legs.

		HITCHHIKER
	Thanks for picking me up.

		TED
	No prob, I could use the company. I've been
	on the road going on fifteen hours
	straight.

		HITCHHIKER
	I know how you feel--I been standing in the
	same spot for the last five hours. You know
	it's against the law to pick up a
	hitchhiker in this state.

		TED
	That must make it tough.

		HITCHHIKER
	Sucks. So what's up? You some kind of
	salesman or something?

		TED
	Nah. I'm...I'm nothing.

		HITCHHIKER
	Oh. Well I am.

		TED
	Hm?

		HITCHHIKER
	A salesman--that's what I am. I mean, I'm
	gonna be anyway. I'm starting my own
	company--video sales--just as soon as I get
	enough seed money.

		TED
	'That right? Good for you.

		HITCHHIKER
	Yeah, you wouldn't believe my idea--it's a
	home run. You ever hear of Eight-Minute
	Abs?

		TED
	The exercise tape? Sure, I've seen it on
	T.V.

		HITCHHIKER
	Two million copies it sold last year. Two
	million, man. But not next year--my idea's
	gonna blow them outta the water. Get this:
		(dramatic pause)
	Seven-Minute Abs.

BEAT.

		TED
	I see where you're going.

		HITCHHIKER
		(big smile)
	Think about it. You walk into a video
	store and you see Eight-Minute Abs and
	right next to it you see Seven-Minute
	Abs--which one you gonna spring for?

		TED
	I'd go with the seven.

		HITCHHIKER
	Bingo. Especially since we guarantee you'll
	get every bit as good a work-out.

		TED
	How do you guarantee that?

		HITCHHIKER
	Well it's the company motto: 'If you ain't
	happy we'll send you the extra minute.'

		TED
	Huh. That sounds great.
		(beat)
	Unless someone else comes out with
	Six-Minute Abs.

Ted CHUCKLES, but the Hitchhiker just GLARES at him, unamused.

		TED (cont'd)
		(unaware)
	I'm gonna pull over. I gotta take a leak.

EXT. REST AREA - NIGHT

The Toyota Tercel pulls in and parks. Ted gets out and walks into
the bushes to whiz.

ON TED - as he steps into the dark brush UNZIPPING his fly he
TRIPS over something and FALLS TO THE GROUND.

		TED
	What the--?

Suddenly WHOOSH, WHOOSH, WHOOSH--several huge SPOTLIGHTS
illuminate the area revealing

TWO DOZEN FRIGHTENED MEN scurrying to pull their pants up all
around him.

		POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
	THIS IS A RAID!

ANGLE ON a startled Ted ON HIS KNEES directly in front of
ANOTHER MAN, making it appear that he's been BLOWING THE GUY.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a DOZEN POLICE OFFICERS holding the
spotlights and moving in for the arrests followed by a CAMERA
CREW.

		TED
		(deer caught in headlights)
	Wait a second, it's not what you think.

A GUY with his pants at his ankles jumps on the bandwagon.

		PANTS AT ANKLES GUY
	That's right! I-I-I was just pissing!

Ted glares at him.

		TED
	No! I was pissing!

		POLICE OFFICER
	Yeah, I'll bet you all were. Come on, in
	the truck.

As they grab Ted and the others and hustle them away, we

PAN TO the Hitchhiker sitting in the Toyota watching the raid
unfold.

The Hitchhiker is clearly PANICKY at the sight of all the cops.

Quietly he OPENS THE CAR DOOR, ducks down, and then SPRINTS AWAY
INTO THE WOODS UNSEEN, LEAVING HIS BIG RED BAG BEHIND.

						CUT TO:

CLOSE UP OF TELEVISION SCREEN as the bust continues. Each of the
men COVER THEIR FACES as they pass by the camera, EXCEPT FOR TED
who is extremely visible.

		TED
		(to Cop)
	Okay, take it easy, you don't have to push.

REVERSE ANGLE REVEALS a shocked Dom and his wife watching this
on their television.

		DOM
	Oh my God. Is that...?

		DOM'S WIFE
		(matter-of-fact)
	Told you he was gay.

BACK ON THE TELEVISION - The COPS struggle to get the feisty Ted
into a police van.

		TED
	I was taking a leak!

		T.V. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
	We'll be right back with more of our
	special edition of COPS - LIVE IN THE
	BIBLE BELT!

						CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - NIGHT

Healy and Mary are walking home at the end of their date. Healy is
eating a big, wild cone of COTTON CANDY and drinking a beer.

		HEALY
	That grandmother of yours--she's really
	something.

		MARY
	Magda? She's not my grandmother--actually
	she rents the apartment right next to mine.
	Her husband passed away a couple years ago
	so she doesn't like to be alone.

		HEALY
	And it doesn't cramp your style?

		MARY
		Sadly, no. Well except for the lint.

		HEALY
	Lint?

		MARY
	Yeah, I think it's that dog of hers running
	around on the rug all day--just makes for a
	lot of lint. Look at this...

Mary lifts her shirt, revealing a BIG CLUMP OF COTTON CANDY
STICKING OUT OF HER BELLY-BUTTON.

		MARY (cont'd)
	See? That's just one day.

Healy CRACKS UP and then gazes at her. What a babe.

		HEALY
	You know, sometimes I wish I could be like
	Magda and not go home. I'd like to just
	bounce around for awhile, do a little
	traveling...

		MARY
	Why bounce when you have your own condo in
	Nepal to go to?

It's clear Healy forgot about that one.

		HEALY
	Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a new
	place, quit the architect game, slow things
	down, read more books, see more movies...

		MARY
	You're a movie buff?

		HEALY
	Try to be. It's tough going with the crap
	they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the
	best they've got to offer I say thanks but
	no thanks.

		MARY
	Have you seen it?

		HEALY
	No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr
	hated it.

		MARY
	A fucking moron.

		HEALY
	Huh. I guess I just wish they made them
	like they used to. You know, something like
	The Heartbreak Kid...or Harold and
	Maude.

Mary can't believe her ears.

		MARY
	Harold and Maude is my all-time favorite
	movie.

		HEALY
	Ouch. Come on, don't bust my chops. I know
	it's corny, but I do love it.

		MARY
	Pat, I'm not kidding. I really think it's
	the greatest--

		HEALY
	--Love story of our time.

Mary smiles. Is this guy for real?

		MARY
	Yeah.

		HEALY
	Wow. I thought I was the only one.

They come to her apartment building and stop. It gets a little
awkward.

		MARY
	So...

		HEALY
	Yeah...I guess this is it, huh?

		MARY
	I guess.

		HEALY
	Well, I'll see ya.

Healy turns to go but stops.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	Mary ah, forget it.

		MARY
	What?

		HEALY
	No, forget it, it was stupid.

		MARY
	Come on, what were you going to say?

		HEALY
	Nah, really, it was moronic.

She grabs him by the shirt playfully.

		MARY
	Just say it.

Healy takes a deep breath.

		HEALY
	Could I feel your bosoms before I go?

Mary just stares at him.

		MARY (beat)
	Knock yourself out.

Healy reaches out and cups her breasts. He doesn't kiss her, she
doesn't kiss him, he just fondles her breasts. Then:

		HEALY
	Okey-dokey, so tomorrow night?

She smiles and as Healy walks away we

						CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY

Ted is sitting alone at a table in a small interrogation room.

PULLBACK to reveal that he is being observed through a two-way
mirror by two detectives, FRANEK and CAVALLO.

		DETECTIVE FRANEK
	Man, they never look like you'd expect.

		DETECTIVE CAVALLO
	That's probably how he got the victim to
	drop his guard.

		DETECTIVE FRANEK
	Where'd they find the body?

		DETECTIVE CAVALLO
	In a big red bag on the front passenger
	seat. All hacked up--fucking gruesome--a
	real psycho, this one.

The Detectives ENTER the room.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Ted stands as the Detectives take a seat across from him.

		TED
		(agitated)
	I'm telling you, I did not solicit sex! I
	was just stopping to go the bathroom, next
	thing I know I tripped over something--well
	someone--and, POOF, there's cops and
	lights and--

		DETECTIVE FRANEK
	Okay, calm down, Ted, we believe you.
		(beat)
	The problem is we found your friend in
	the car.

As Ted sits back down the Detectives just stare at him. Finally
Ted thinks he gets it.

		TED
	Oh. The hitchhiker.
		(CHUCKLES)
	That's what this is all about.

Ted puts his head in his hands and smiles.

		TED (cont'd)
	Isn't that just my luck--I get caught for
	everything.

		DETECTIVE CAVALLO
	So you admit it?

		TED
	Guilty as charged. I'm not gonna play games
	with you. I could give you a song and dance
	but what's the point? I did it and we all
	know it.
		(laughs)
	The hitcher himself told me it's
	illegal The irony.

The Detectives are surprised by his forthrightness.

		DETECTIVE CAVALLO
	Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

		TED
	Jeez, I didn't catch it.

The Detectives flinch at his glib demeanor.

		DETECTIVE FRANEK
	So he was a stranger? It was totally
	random?

		TED
		(confused)
	He was the first hitcher I saw, what can I
	tell you? Now cut to the chase, how much
	trouble am I in?

The Detectives look at one another.

		DETECTIVE FRANEK
	First tell us why you did it.

		TED
	Why I did it?
		(scoffs)
	I don't know. Boredom? I thought I was
	doing the guy a favor.

The Detectives look at each other.

		DETECTIVE CAVALLO
	This wasn't your first time, was it, Ted?
	How many we talking?

		TED
	Hitchhikers? I don't know--fifty...a
	hundred maybe--Who keeps track?

Finally Detective Cavallo EXPLODES across the table and starts
WAILING on a shocked Ted.

		DETECTIVE CAVALLO
	You sonofabitch! You're gonna fry!!!!

						CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING

Mary pulls up in her Honda Civic. She parks out front and enters
the building.

PAN ACROSS THE STREET TO REVEAL - Healy is parked in his car.
His surveillance equipment is pointed toward Mary's office.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - MORNING

Mary walks into the office and sees a MEDICAL ASSISTANT standing
near the coffee maker.

		MARY
	Mornin', Jane.

		MEDICAL ASSISTANT #1
	Good morning, Doctor. Your friend Tucker's
	in your office to see you.

Mary nods and heads toward her office.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME

Mary walks into her office and sees Tucker seated at her desk.
(SHOT FROM behind Tucker so we only see the back of his head.)

		TUCKER
	What's up, Doc?

		MARY
	Tucker, you look different some how. Did
	you do something with your hair?

MARY'S POV - Tucker's got two TONGUE DEPRESSORS under his upper
lip making him look like a walrus.

		TUCKER
	The teeth, the teeth. I got 'em capped.

ON MARY - smiles.

		MARY
	Oh yeah, they look great.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME

He's got his listening gun fixed on Mary's office.

		TUCKER (V.O.)
	You don't think they're too big?

		MARY (V.O.)
	No no, the bigger the better.
		(beat)
	But I must say, they could be a little
	brighter. Nothing's sexier than a mouthful
	of pearly whites.

Healy looks at his teeth in the mirror. Not exactly pearly.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tucker pulls the tongue depressors out of his teeth and laughs. He
stands up, and when Mary tries to squeeze past him he gives her a
kiss on the cheek.

		TUCKER
	You ever been laid in this office?

Mary pushes past him.

		MARY
	Behave yourself, Tucker.
		(smiles)
	Come on, what are you doing here?

She sits in her chair and leans against her desk.

		TUCKER
	I wanted to talk to you about your friend
	Patrick.

EXT. HEALY'S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Healy almost flies out of his seat.

		MARY (O.S.)
	He's a nice guy, isn't he?

		TUCKER (O.S.)
	Well that's what I'm trying to figure
	out. How long have you known him?

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Tucker has a look of concern.

		MARY
	Not long at all, but I really like him.
		(off Tucker's look)
	Okay, I know he's a little different,
	Tucker, but that's what I like about him.
	He's a guy. A real guy. He dresses like a
	dork and eats corndogs and he isn't always
	politically correct and he probably farts,
	too. And that's okay with me.

		TUCKER
	That's what you've been looking for--a
	farter?

		MARY
	I've been looking for a guy--not one of
	these South Beach pussies.

		TUCKER
		(SIGHS)
	Look, it's just that something about him
	struck me as odd last night. He gave me
	this funny vibe. Anyway, I called some
	friends back east. They don't know of any
	architect named Patrick Healy and he's not
	listed as a Harvard alumnus.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - SAME

Healy SLAMS his hand on the steering wheel.

		HEALY
	Fuck!!

		MARY (O.S.)
	Huh...that's strange.

INT. MARY'S OFFICE - SAME

		TUCKER
	I thought so. Anyway, I hope you don't
	think I'm being meddlesome. I just think
	you should be careful with this guy.

		MARY
		(concerned)
	No no no, Tucker, thank you.

		TUCKER
	I mean let's face it, Mary, you're
	beautiful, you've got money, you trust
	people--I'm just saying, there's a lot of
	psychos out there.

		MARY
		(small smile)
	I appreciate you looking out for me.

						CUT TO:

INT. SOUTH CAROLINA PRISON - DAY

CLOSE ON - Detective Franek as he SPEAKS, sheepishly. His
remorseful- looking partner Cavallo stands behind him.

		DETECTIVE FRANEK
	On behalf of the entire South Carolina law
	enforcement community, I would like to
	offer our heartfelt apologies for any pain
	or temporary inconvenience we may have
	caused you, Mr. Peloquin.

REVERSE ANGLE - reveals that Ted is lying on his prison bed
being spooned by a 300-pound SLEEPING INMATE.

INT. PRISON HALLWAY

The two Detectives and an apoplectic Ted walk down the hallway.

		DETECTIVE FRANEK
	At exactly 10:48 this morning a man was
	apprehended not far from where you were
	arrested. He was identified as an escaped
	mental patient and subsequently confessed
	to the murder that you were being held for.
	Lab tests confirmed a fingerprint match on
	the bag.

		TED
		(fragile)
	So...I'm free to go?

Detective Cavallo stops and holds out his hand.

		DETECTIVE CAVALLO
	No harm, no foul?

		TED
		(stunned)
	I guess.

Still traumatized, Ted shakes the man's hand, then mopes toward
the door.

		DETECTIVE FRANEK
	By the way, there's somebody here to see
	you.

						CUT TO:

INT. TED'S CAR - DAY

Dom is driving; a bruised and somber Ted is in the passenger seat.

		DOM
	You are one lucky sonofabitch, you know
	that?

		TED
	I am?

		DOM
	Didn't they tell you? That hitcher was just
	about to cut your throat when you stopped
	to take a leak. You got a fucking horseshoe
	up your ass, man.

		TED
	Yeah feels like it.

Ted grimaces and shifts in his seat.

		TED (cont'd)
	How the hell did you get here anyway?

		DOM
	Flew.
		(beat)
	Told my wife I was going to a Promise
	Keepers convention.

Ted gives him a look.

		DOM (cont'd)
	I hate to ruin your day, Ted, but I have
	some bad news for you.

Ted SIGHS.

		TED
		(resigned)
	Shoot.

		DOM
	Remember our friend Healy? Well, I didn't
	know where to mail his last paycheck so I
	sent my assistant by his mother's
	apartment. Turns out there is no diabetic
	mom. Landlord said she's been dead for ten
	years.

		TED
	And this adversely affects me how...?

		DOM
	Don't you see?--Healy lied to us about
	everything! The landlord said when he got
	back from Miami he kept talking about
	falling for some doctor named Mary!

Ted is stunned.

		TED
	Huh? What? No...My Mary? Mary wouldn't go
	for him....would she?

Dom hands Ted a SLIP OF PAPER.

		DOM
	His address in Miami. You know, when you
	think about it, we really don't know the
	first thing about this guy.

Finally the implications of this dawn on Ted.

		TED
	Jesus Christ what have I done?

						CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

A confused Mary and her girlfriends are in the apartment while
Magda listens to the radio scanner in the b.g.

		LISA
	You're not seriously thinking about going
	out with this guy again?

		JOANNIE
	Mary, he sounds like a psycho!

		MAGDA
	Would you hens quit ya cackling and let her
	do what she wants to do. Puffy liked him
	and Puffy's never wrong.

The girlfriends roll their eyes.

		BRENDA
	Mary, the guy's full of shit.

		MARY
	What if he's not? What if Tucker just made
	an honest mistake?

		LISA
	What if he didn't?

It's clear that Mary is torn.

		MARY
	I don't know how I can bail now, he's going
	to be here any minute.

		JOANNIE
	Well then blow him off when he gets here.

		MARY
	But you didn't meet him. He seems so I
	don't know...perfect...kind of.

		BRENDA
	He has a big cock, doesn't he?

Mary shoots Brenda a look.

		MAGDA
	Hey hey, what did you say Pat's last name
	was?

		MARY
	Healy.

Magda's eyes almost come out of her head.

		MAGDA
	I think you better listen to this.

Magda turns up the volume on her scanner and we can clearly hear
Healy TALKING ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE. Mary and her girlfriends
gather around.

		SULLY (V.O.)
	So where the hell are you, Healy?

		HEALY (V.O.)
	Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary
	girl I told you about.

		SULLY (V.O.)
	The sawbones?

		HEALY (V.O.)
	Yep.

The girls all look at one another.

		BRENDA
	We hit the motherlode.

		MARY
	We shouldn't be listening to this.

		LISA AND JOANNIE
	Shhh.

		SULLY (V.O.)
	She still think you're a fucking architect?

		HEALY (V.O.)
	Oh yeah.

		SULLY (V.O.)
	Dumbshit.

		LISA
	Mr. Perfect, huh?

Mary starts to feel like a fool.

		MARY
		(edgy)
	Turn it up, Magda.

		HEALY (V.O.)
	Hey, watch your mouth--she's a great gal.
	I'm the dumbshit for lying to her.

		SULLY (V.O.)
	Why didn't you just tell her the truth?

		HEALY (V.O.)
	I don't know. I guess...it just seems that
	women today are more impressed by the
	mighty buck than by some schmo who spent
	the last seventeen years scraping by on
	Peace Corp wages.

The girls all seem moved by this.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

Healy is parked out front, the phone in one hand, a SCRIPT in the
other, as he listens to Sully read the following words:

		SULLY (V.O.)
	But Jesus, Pat, if she's as special as you
	say, she's going to want to hear about
	the things you did.

		HEALY
		(dismissing this)
	Ahh.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - SAME

A disheveled and wired-looking Sully is sitting on the couch in
his underwear READING FROM THE SAME SCRIPT. There's COKE on the
table, DOG SHIT on the floor, and FLIES everywhere.

In the B.G. we see the Great Dane SNIFFING at his empty bowl and
the Boa Constrictor sprawled out on the floor, barely moving.

		SULLY
		(reading)
	Come on, you could tell her about the
	irrigation ditches you dug in Sudan, the
	orphan babies who cried in your arms in
	Romania...
		(does a line of blow)
	...the hope you gave Freddie the leper in
	Calcutta...

Suddenly the dog snatches the page out of his hand and STARTS TO
EAT IT.

BACK ON Mary and friends.

		JOANNIE
		(welling up)
	I love this man.

Magda folds her arms and gloats.

INT. HEALY'S CAR - NIGHT

		HEALY
	Look, I did all those things for myself.
	I'll be honest with you, I'm a selfish
	prick. I get a high from helping all of
	God's creatures. An honest to goodness
	high.

Just then, Healy sees a bug on the car window and instinctively
squashes it.

ON SULLY - he has the phone wedged between his cheek and
shoulder as he STRUGGLES with the dog to get the script.

Sully still can't retrieve the script, nor his next line.

		SULLY
		(winging it)
	That's bullshit, man you, uh, you were on
	the front line. Remember the, uh,
	malaria the, uh, typhoon fever that
	vicious strain of genital herpes?

ON MARY AND FRIENDS - they flinch at this.

ON HEALY - he stares at the phone, horrified.

		HEALY (V.O.)
	Uh, sure. I cured a lot of nasty
	illnesses in third-world countries.

ON MARY AND FRIENDS - as they let out a sigh.

		HEALY (V.O.) (cont'd)
	The bottom line is, I'm not going to use my
	philanthropy as some form of
	currency...especially after what I did.
		(SIGHS)
	I lied to this poor girl. Lied. man. She
	deserved better.

		SULLY (V.O.)
	Hey, love will make you do fucked-up
	things.

		HEALY (V.O.)
	You said it, mister.
		(choking up)
	I gotta go.

ON SULLY - as he HANGS UP the phone and does another line, we

PAN TO the Great Dane Hal as he looks around for something,
anything to eat. He SNIFFS at a sock, then a beer bottle, before
finally setting his sights on the Boa Constrictor Bill. Bill
glances the dog's way nervously, SENSES TROUBLE, and wiggles his
way into another room. As Hal TAKES OFF after the snake, we

						CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S HALLWAY - NIGHT

Healy starts to knock on Mary's door, but, before he can, the door
suddenly swings open revealing a beaming Mary.

		HEALY
		(startled)
	Oh Mary. Look, there's something I have
	to tell you. I'm not

Before he can finish, Mary steps forward and their mouths meet in
a passionate KISS.

					DISSOLVE TO:

MONTAGE OF MARY AND HEALY COURTING

--As Mary watches, Healy plays TOUCH FOOTBALL with Warren and a
few of his friends. Healy catches a pass then, trying a little too
hard to impress Mary, he delivers a forearm shiver to his defender
and gives Warren a vicious STRAIGHT-ARM. When Healy gets into the
end zone he spikes the ball and starts talking trash to another
defender.

--Healy shows up at Mary's door sporting a set of OVERSIZED
INCREDIBLY-WHITE CAPPED TEETH. He gives her a big horse smile and
she reacts uncertainly.

--Healy is in Mary's apartment as Mary finishes dressing for a
night on the town.

		MARY
	All set.

		HEALY
	You look great.
		(beat)
	Hey, Mare, do I have a rip in the back of
	these pants?

When she puts her head close to inspect his pants, he lets fly a
THUNDEROUS FART. She pulls her head away, repulsed, but Healy just
LAUGHS.

--Mary and and the horse-toothed Healy are having dinner in a
romantic restaurant. As he eats he tells an animated story but
he's having trouble with the new choppers and chunks of food are
spraying out of his mouth with every word. Mary has to BOB AND
WEAVE to avoid being covered with debris.

--Healy and Warren are playing monopoly. When Warren isn't
looking, Healy cheats and puts a couple hotels on Boardwalk. In
the b.g. we see one of Warren's buddies fall out of a palm tree.

					DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

A lovesick Healy is mauling Mary out on the sidewalk in front
while Warren stands off to the side LISTENING TO A WALKMAN.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals a devastated Ted and Dom watching this
from Ted's car.

		TED
	Fuck me.
		(sighs)
	Let's go home.

		DOM
	No! You've gone through way too much to
	back down now. Get over there and do
	something--I can't stand watching this.

BACK ON MARY AND HEALY as Healy starts OVER-DOING IT and Mary
has to break it off.

		MARY
	Whoa, whoa, how's my stomach taste?

Healy LAUGHS.

		HEALY
	How's my stomach taste, she says.
		(shakes head)
	Hey thanks for picking up the lunch tab,
	Mare. Sorry I forgot my wallet. I feel like
	a dog.

		MARY
	Forget it. It was...fun.

ON TED AND DOM

Ted recognizes Warren.

		TED
	Holy shit, there's Warren.

BACK ON MARY. HEALY, AND WARREN

Suddenly we see Warren PERK UP at something.

		WARREN
	Franks and beans!

ON TED AND DOM

		TED
	Jesus, I think her brother spotted me.

They both duck down in their seats.

BACK ON MARY. HEALY. AND WARREN

		WARREN
	Beans and franks.

		MARY
	Give it a rest, War. You just ate.

		HEALY
	Aw, leave him alone, he's just got a big
	appetite.
		(to Warren)
	Am I right?

Healy winks at Mary.

		WARREN
	Huh?

Healy reaches over and lifts a headphone off Warren's ear.

		HEALY
	I said you've got a big app--

Suddenly Warren SUCKER-PUNCHES HEALY IN THE THROAT.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	Urrggghh...

		MARY
	Warren!

ON TED AND DOM - as they flinch.

		DOM
	Attaboy!

BACK ON MARY et al - Healy holds his throat, clearly in pain.

		MARY
	Are you okay?

		HEALY (cont'd)
		(raspy, to Mary)
	Not to worry. So...see you tonight,
	right? Right?

		MARY
		(cornered)
	Sure.

Mary watches with a look of concern as Healy gets in his car and
drives off.

ON TED AND DOM

Ted stares gazily.

		DOM
	Well? What are you waiting for?

		TED
	I don't know what to say.

		DOM
	Tell her the truth about Healy! Blow the
	schmuck out of the water.

		TED
	Are you crazy? I've unleashed a psycho on
	her. She's gonna be fucking pissed.
		(stares at Mary)
	She's even more beautiful than I remember.

THEIR POV - Mary and Warren start to go in the apartment.

		DOM
	Get over there, you pussy! She's leaving!

Suddenly Dom HONKS THE HORN, then ducks down. Mary turns around
and sees Ted.

		TED
	You asshole, what are you--
		(CALLING OUT CHEERILY)
	Mary! Is that you?

		MARY
		(squinting)
	Who's that?

Ted gets out of the car and hustles across the street toward Mary.

		TED
	It is you! It's me...Ted. From Rhode
	Island Ted.

Finally she recognizes him.

		MARY
	Oh my God...Ted.
		(big smile)
	What are you...? I can't believe this. I
	haven't seen you since--

		TED
	Yup, that's right. Junior prom...kinda.

		MARY
	And did everything--?

		TED
	Oh yeah, healed right up. No visible scars.

Mary LAUGHS.

		TED (cont'd)
	How are you doing, Warren?

		WARREN
	Good, Ted. Piggy back ride?

		TED
	I'm gonna take a rain check.

Mary is stunned.

		MARY
	I can't believe he remembered you. He never
	remembers anybody.
		(beat)
	You know I tried to call you for weeks
	after that.

		TED
	Really? I never got a message.

		MARY
	That's weird. I talked to your brother
	Jimmy five or six times.

Ted is devastated to hear this.

		MARY (cont'd)
	By the way, how's he doing?

		TED
	He's dead.

		MARY
		(taken aback)
	Oh, Ted I'm so sorry to hear that.

		TED
		(bitter)
	No, it was a good thing.
		(off her look)
	I mean, good in that it was very quick.

Ted pantomimes an explosion.

		MARY
	Oh. So...what brings you down here?

		TED
	Funny story. You see, me and a buddy of
	mine decided to...ah...you know...just
	...drive down.

She stares at him.

		MARY
	Well you look great. Are you married, do
	you have kids?

		TED
	Nope, nope--dodged a few bullets.
		(smiles)
	God, I cannot believe I'm standing here
	with Mary Jenson.

		MARY
	Actually, it's Mary Brooks now.

		TED
		(taken aback)
	Oh...are you...?

		MARY
	Nope, haven't walked the plank yet.
		(off his look)
	There was this guy back in college who was
	bothering me...got kind of ugly--a
	restraining order, the whole bit. Anyway,
	when I got out of Princeton I changed my
	name as a precaution.

		TED
	Jeez...that sounds awful. Hey, what do you
	say we go out to dinner tonight, catch up
	on old times?

BEAT.

		MARY
	Didn't we just do that?

Ted doesn't know how to respond to this and then she smiles.

		MARY (cont'd)
	I'm kidding. I'd really love to, Ted, but
	the thing is I already have plans. How
	about tomorrow night?

		TED
	Mary, we haven't seen each other in twelve
	years.
		(beat)
	Don't make me wait another day.

Mary seems touched by this.

		MARY
	Tell me where you're staying. I'll pick you
	up at eight.

Ted finally smiles and we

						CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CAR - TWILIGHT

A content Healy is parked out front of Mary's apartment, absently
listening to her spill her guts to Magda while he reads the
newspaper.

		MAGDA (V.O.)
	I'm buying bananas tonight.

		MARY (V.O.)
	Why?

		MAGDA (V.O.)
	Back when I was your age I always used to
	make myself a big banana split after sex. I
	think you're gonna need one tonight.

		MARY (V.O.)
	Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll
	probably need it before I will.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

Mary is skipping around the apartment while Magda sits on the
couch.

		MAGDA
	Don't bet on it. Last time I had a pap
	smear the guy needed leather gloves and an
	oyster shucker.

		MARY
	So maybe I could find a nice gentleman to
	take you to the movies.

		MAGDA
	Knock it off, Pollyanna, just 'cause you're
	in love doesn't mean everyone else has to
	be.

		MARY
	Love? Come on, I wouldn't call it love.

		MAGDA
	Oh no? I ain't seen you beaming like this
	since you broke ninety on the Blue Monster.

BACK ON HEALY - he's reveling in it all.

		MARY (V.O. )
	Well I am pretty psyched. I ran into a
	guy today I hadn't seen since high school.

Healy loses the smile and sits up.

		MAGDA (V.O.)
	An old flame?

		MARY (V.O.)
	Kind of. Ted Peloquin--one of the sweetest
	guys in the world.

Healy TURNS UP THE VOLUME.

ON MARY

		MARY (cont'd)
	He was so shy and clumsy...I had a major
	crush on him.

BACK ON HEALY as he nearly puts his head through the roof. He
grabs hold of the steering wheel and pounds his head on it.

		HEALY
	No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

		MARY (V.O.) (cont'd)
	We're gonna go out tonight. Oh, that
	reminds me, I've got to call
	what's-his-face and cancel.

ON MARY

		MAGDA
	Do I sense a chill in the air?

Mary sits down.

		MARY
	Oh, Magda, I let my head get in the way of
	my love life. I always pick guys on what I
	feel in here.
		(pats heart)
	But with this Pat guy my head kept saying
	"Grow up, Mary. You have a lot in common
	with this one, you'll grow to feel
	something for him." But it never happened.

ON HEALY - he couldn't look more crushed. Suddenly his cellular
phone RINGS. He stares at it for TWO, THREE, FOUR RINGS.
Panic-stricken. Then he answers it.

		HEALY
		(jovial voice)
	Hey, Patty-boy here. Sorry I missed ya, but
	I'm out rustling up some champagne and
	roses in preparation for the greatest
	birthday of my life. Hope you and yours are
	having a good day, too.

Healy makes a BEEP sound and then holds his breath.

ON MARY - she stares at the phone, feeling cornered.

		MARY
	Uh, hi Pat, it's me, Mary. Just wanted to
	say I'm...looking forward to tonight.

She hangs up.

		MAGDA
	You vicious bitch, how do you sleep at
	night?

		MARY
	I can't do it--I just found out it's his
	birthday.
		(sighs)
	I guess I've gotta cancel on Ted.

ON HEALY - he blows imaginary smoke off an imaginary gun. Then
he sits back and smugly listens to her DIAL THE PHONE. But then he
hears something that concerns him--a KNOCK on the door and the dog
YAPPING.

ON MARY - she puts down the phone and answers the door. It's
Tucker, the architect.

		MARY
		(surprised)
	Tucker...come on in.

BACK ON HEALY pulling his hair out. He's on an emotional roller
coaster heading downhill.

		MAGDA (V.O.)
	Well look who's here.

BACK TO MARY'S APARTMENT - Tucker is carrying an unopened BOTTLE
OF SCOTCH and absently flicking the YAPPING pooch off his ankles.

		TUCKER
	There she is--I brought you a little
	thirst-quencher, Mag.

		MAGDA
	Oh, you are sweet.

		TUCKER
	No, I'm not. I just want to get you-drunk
	so you'll pass out and I can have my way
	with Mary.

Everyone LAUGHS.

		MARY
	Can I pour you one?

		TUCKER
	Thanks, but I've got to be going.
	Unfortunately, Doc, this isn't a social
	visit.

Tucker's tone shifts and Mary grows concerned.

		MARY
	What's up?

		TUCKER
	Well...I've got a little more news about
	your friend Healy.

Mary seems relieved.

		MARY
	I know what you're going to say, but he
	already told me everything. I know he's not
	an architect.

Tucker pulls out a piece of paper.

		TUCKER (cont'd)
	I think you'd better sit down.

		MARY
	Tucker, I appreciate you doing all this,
	but I'm really strapped for time here and--

		TUCKER
	Mary, the man's a killer.

ON HEALY - he can't believe his ears.

BACK ON MARY - as she lowers herself onto the couch.

		MARY
		(stunned)
	What...?

		TUCKER
	I've got a friend in the Boston police
	department. He faxed me this this morning.
	I'll just give you the highlights.
		(reading from rap sheet)
	After a short stint as a petty thief,
	Patrick R. Healy graduated to armed robbery
	by the age of fourteen. At sixteen he
	committed his first murder--a pretty
	teacher's aid named Molly Pettygrove. He
	was incarcerated until age twenty-two when,
	despite a grim psychological profile, the
	state was forced to release him. In his
	mid-twenties and again in his early
	thirties he was suspected of homicides in
	the states of Utah and Washington.
	Unfortunately, the bodies were so badly
	decomposed that there wasn't enough
	evidence to hold him, and on and on and so
	forth and so on.

Mary looks like she's going to throw up.

ON HEALY - he listens intently, his face ashen.

		MARY (V.O.)
	Holy shit...

		MAGDA (V.O.)
	Puffy, get over here.

We hear the PITTER-PATTER of the dog's nails on the floor, then a
LOUD THUMP followed by a YELP.

ON MARY

		MARY
	Magda!

		MAGDA
	The little shit lied to me about that guy!

Mary picks up the startled dog and pets him.

		MARY
		(growing emotional)
	I can't believe this is happening. I'm
	supposed to be meeting him in an hour.

		TUCKER
	Okay, just calm down. It's going to be
	okay.

Tucker puts his arms around her.

		MAGDA
	Why you two never hooked up is beyond me.

Mary looks fondly at Tucker.

		MARY
	Magda's right, I'm so lucky to have you in
	my life.

		TUCKER
	Don't get all gooey on me now, you'll give
	me a big head.
		(smiles)
	The important thing, Doctor, is you've got
	to distance yourself as much as possible
	without pissing this psycho off.

		MARY
	Yeah, yeah. Okay, I think I know what to
	do. I'll call him right now.

BACK ON HEALY - he looks stunned. His cellular PHONE RINGS. He
stares at it, then picks it up.

		HEALY
	Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and
	roses...and I'm really happy. Leave a
	message. BEEP.

		MARY (V.O.)
		(nervous)
	Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. You're
	not going to believe this--well, you'll
	believe it, there's no reason not to--but I
	just got beeped for emergency surgery.
	Well, um, sorry, but I'm going to have to
	bail on you.

As we hear a CLICK, Healy stares at the cell phone, seething.

					DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER

Tucker comes out the front door, looks around, then walks off down
the sidewalk.

ANGLE ACROSS THE STREET - on Healy, his steely gaze fixed on
Tucker.

		HEALY
		(under breath)
	You're gonna pay, fucker.

Healy discreetly pulls out and slowly follows Tucker in his car.

BACK ON TUCKER - He continues down the sidewalk, looking back
once or twice, apprehensive. He rounds a corner, then stops next
to an OLD FORD PINTO. He looks around nervously again. Then Tucker
DUCKS INTO THE DRIVER'S SEAT and DRIVES OFF. Healy pulls into
traffic and follows.

						CUT TO:

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Dom's mixing a drink while Ted paces nervously.

		TED
	Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know
	if I'm ready for this, man.

		DOM
	Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine?

		TED
		(pats his back pocket)
	Got cash.

		DOM
	Car clean? Plenty of gas?

		TED
	Check.

		DOM
	Mints?

		TED
	Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash.

Dom nods, satisfied.

		DOM
	Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just
	clean the pipes and it's a go.

		TED
	Hm?

		DOM
	You know, clean the pipes.

		TED
	Pipes? What are you talking about?

		DOM
	You jerk off before all big dates, right?
	Tell me you jerk off before your big dates.

Ted just stares at him.

		DOM (cont'd)
		(incredulous)
	You don't jerk off before--?! Are you
	crazy?! That's like going out there with a
	loaded gun. No wonder you're nervous!

Ted considers this.

		DOM (cont'd)
	Think about it: After you've had sex with a
	girl and the two of you are laying in bed,
	are you nervous?

		TED
	No.

Dom shrugs...Duh.

		DOM
	Why's that?

		TED
	I'm usually too tired to be.

Dom makes a game-show BUZZER sound.

		DOM
	Wrong. It's because you ain't got the baby
	batter in your brain any more. That'll fuck
	with your head, that stuff will.

		TED
		(starting to believe)
	Huh.

		DOM
	The most honest moment in a man's life is
	the five minutes after he's blown a load.
	That's a medical fact. And it's because
	you're no longer trying to get laid. You're
	actually thinking like a girl. They love
	that.

		TED
	Jesus Christ you're right.

		DOM
	You bet your ass I'm right. You don't go
	out with a loaded gun, you empty the
	barrels!

		TED
		(shakes his head)
	Holy shit, I've been going out with a
	loaded gun!

		DOM
	People get hurt that way.

						CUT TO:

EXT. HOTEL - EVENING

Dom walks out of the lobby just as another cab arrives and Mary
gets out. He sees and her and ducks behind a bush as she walks
past him.

INT. TED'S HOTEL BATHROOM - SAME

Ted has a newspaper splayed out on the counter (open to the bra
ads) as he furiously FLOGS THE DOLPHIN (chest-high side view.) We
see some balled-up tissue nearby. After several frantic strokes,
he takes a deep breath and slowly and loudly EXHALES, clearly
having COMPLETED HIS MISSION.

He draws a few more breaths, picks up a face cloth, and goes to
clean up.

But something's missing: The Load. Ted looks down, checks his
hands, pants, shoes, looks in the sink, finally glances at the
ceiling, with no luck.

The Load IS MISSING!!!!

That's when the doorbell RINGS. Ted couldn't look more HORRIFIED.
As he buckles his pants, he makes a last, panicky reconnaissance
of the area. The doorbell RINGS AGAIN and Ted reluctantly goes to
answer it.

INT. TED'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME

Ted opens the door and Mary is standing there looking as lovely as
ever.

		TED
	Hey.

		MARY
	Hi, Ted.

		TED
	You look great.

		MARY
	Thanks.

She notices something.

		MARY (cont'd)
	What's that?

		TED
	Hm?

		MARY
	On your ear, you've got something.

MARY'S POV - a HUGE LOAD is hanging off of Ted's earlobe like a
drop earring.

		MARY (cont'd)
	It looks like a gob of...

Mary leans forward for a closer look. Ted is terrified.

		MARY (cont'd)
		(making face)
	Is that....hair gel?

BEAT.

		TED
	Sure.

		MARY
	Oh great, I ran out.

Before Ted can stop her, Mary grabs The Load off his ear and WIPES
IT IN HER BANGS.

						CUT TO:

EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT

Healy is still following Tucker in his car. Finally Tucker stops
in front of a lavish Victorian home and gets out carrying a pizza
and wearing a PIZZA DELIVERY HAT.

Healy SCREECHES to a sideways stop, jumps out and POUNCES ON HIM.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	You motherfucker, you're a dead man!

Tucker drops the pizza as Healy SLAMS HIM into a tree.

		TUCKER
		(cowering)
	Okay, Pat, take it easy--don't do anything
	stupid.

		HEALY
	Who the fuck do you think you are making up
	that bullshit about me?!

Healy SLAMS HIM AGAINST THE TREE AGAIN.

		TUCKER
	Whoa, whoa--I don't know what you're talking
	about.

		HEALY
	Maybe this'll jog your memory.

Healy SLAPS him across the face.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	I'll give you a hint--it's got something to
	do with me being a murderer.

Healy raises his arm again and Tucker tries to shield himself.

		TUCKER
	Okay, okay, I might've gotten some bad
	information.

Healy grabs him by the collar.

		HEALY
	That stalker Ted got to you, right? You're
	working for him, aren't you, you little
	shit?

		TUCKER
	Who?

Healy throws Tucker to the ground and takes off his sport coat.

		HEALY
	This is your last chance, you fuck. Now
	either you come clean or I'm going to kick
	your ass from here to Tallahassee.

Healy grabs Tucker by the hair and cocks his arm.

		TUCKER
	I LOVE HER, OKAY?!

Tucker suddenly gets emotional. Healy stops and looks at him.

		HEALY
	You what?

		TUCKER
	You heard me, goddamnit. I...I love her.

Healy slowly lets go.

		TUCKER (cont'd)
	I'm a phony--just like you, man.

		HEALY
	What do you mean?

		TUCKER
	I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no
	architect. Don't be a putz--who's been to
	Santiago twice in a year?
		(scoffing)
	Estadio Olimpico--please!

		HEALY
	But...but you knew people at Harvard.

		TUCKER
	I knew shit. The only thing I knew was that
	you were a fake and I made up everything
	else.
		(sighs)
	My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas.

		HEALY
	Bullshit!

Tucker rolls his eyes and pulls out his PIZZA DELIVERY BADGE, with
him pictured beside the name Norman Plante. As Healy let's this
sink in, we

						CUT TO:

INT. BAR - NIGHT

Ted's rolling a little wine around in a glass. He takes a sip,
nods his approval.

		TED
	Thanks, that's great.

The WAITER turns to Mary.

		WAITER
	Madame?

ANGLE ON MARY - The light, puffy bangs that Mary started the
night with are gone, replaced by a glazed, ACE VENTURA-STYLE WAVE
up front.

		MARY
	Thank you.

The waiter pours her a glass and leaves.

		TED
	Now by killer, you mean...?

		MARY
	I mean he murdered someone and did time
	back in Boston. The guy's a freak.

		TED
		(stunned)
	Jeez, Mary...I'm...

		MARY
	Well, lucky for me I found out. Thank God I
	have friends like Tucker.
		(beat)
	Look, I'm sick of talking about stalkers.
		(big smile)
	Let's talk about you.

						CUT TO:

INT. ANOTHER BAR - NIGHT

Healy and Tucker are bonding over a beer.

		TUCKER
	...So then in '94 I went back to Dade
	Community College for a semester and when
	the Wal-Mart cashier job fell through I
	hooked up with the Pizza Barn.

		HEALY
	And you met Mary how?

		TUCKER
	Just dumb luck. I delivered a pie to her
	one night and she answered the door in her
	nightgown--that was it for me. I went home
	that night, shaved my beard, and a week
	later I was laid out in her office with a
	broken back.

		HEALY
	How'd you manage that one?

		TUCKER
		(matter-of-factly)
	Friend. Baseball bat.

		HEALY
	Nice.

		TUCKER
	Oh yeah, the plan was going along just fine
	until you showed up.

		HEALY
	Hey, hey, hey, I'm not the one who started
	telling bald-faced lies about the
	competition--that's crossing the line!

		TUCKER
	What line? The day you first laid your oily
	rap on my future wife you started a war!

		HEALY
	Future wife? Get real, man--you're
	nothing more than a glorified brother in
	her eyes.

		TUCKER
	Why you son of a--

Tucker grabs Healy by the jacket.

		HEALY
	Okay, calm down, calm down--the bottom line
	is neither of us are going to get her if we
	don't do something about that headcase
	she's with now.

As Tucker slowly releases him, we

						CUT TO:

EXT. DRIVING RANGE - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are eating CORNDOGS at the snack bar.

		MARY
	You hit the ball pretty good for a
	fourteen.

		TED
		(shrugging)
	No short game.

She smiles.

		MARY
	We should play some time...I mean, if you
	can afford to lose some money.

		TED
		(smiling)
	What are you?

		MARY
	Twenty-two.

		TED
	Bullshit, a twenty-two doesn't carry a
	one-iron--don't sandbag me, lady.

Mary smiles coyly.

		MARY
	Okay, sometimes I'm a nineteen.

		TED
	That's more like it.
		(to Counter-Man)
	Two more nitrate-sicles please.

		COUNTER-MAN
	You got it.

Mary is amused by this.

		MARY
	Nitrate-sicles--I like that.

		TED
	I say they should put more meats on a
	stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets
	on sticks--popsicles, fudgesicles,
	lollipops--but hardly any meat.

		MARY
	I agree there should be more.

The Counter-Man hands each of them another corndog.

		TED
	You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a
	cone. You could put corned beef hash in a
	cone, or chopped liver.

		MARY
	I like it. And think of the
	toppings--cheese, mushrooms, mint jelly

		TED
	Not to mention ketchup and hot peppers.

They smile at one another.

		MARY
	It's too bad you don't live down here, Ted.

		TED
		(pleased)
	Yeah?

		MARY
	We've got a lot in common.

Ted takes a chance.

		TED
	Well...why don't you move back?

		MARY
	Ah, my roots here are too deep. I love my
	practice, the people I work with, Warren's
	got a nice thing going
		(joking)
	Why don't you just move down here and marry
	me?

Mary smiles and Ted LAUGHS...perhaps a little too hard.

						CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Ted and Mary are sitting on her front stoop SMOKING A BONE.

		MARY
	So you're a writer?

		TED
	Trying to be.

		MARY
	Well good for you. I bet it works out for
	you.

		TED
	We'll see. If it doesn't, what the hell, at
	least I gave it a shot.

		MARY
	That's right. And the good thing is you can
	do it anywhere.

		TED
	What about you, Mare? How the hell'd you
	manage to stay single?

		MARY
	I don't know...My friends think I'm too
	picky. I think I'm just a weirdo magnet. I
	did come close once--just last year, in
	fact. There was this guy he lived in San
	Francisco.

ANGLE ON the corner of building. We see Healy and Tucker SPYING
ON THEM from the shadows.

		TUCKER
		(WHISPERING)
	That stalkin' son-of-a-bitch!

		HEALY
	Fucking sickening.

Healy and Tucker duck back into the alley.

						CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - NIGHT

Healy is throwing DOGGIE TREATS through an open THIRD-FLOOR
WINDOW.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

We hear the TELEVISION and see Magda DOZING on the couch with a
watery COCKTAIL IN HER HAND and the dog Puffy at her feet.

Suddenly a DOGGIE TREAT flies through the window, landing on the
rug. Puffy SNAPS TO ATTENTION and approaches the treat. He sniffs
it, then GOBBLES IT UP. ANOTHER doggie treat lands beside him and
he eats that, too. Then ANOTHER.

EXT. MARY'S ALLEY - SAME

Tucker keeps throwing the treats up and Healy looks concerned.

		HEALY
	How many is that?

		TUCKER
	Four.

		HEALY
	That seems like a lot of speed for a little
	pooch--you sure it won't kill him?

		TUCKER
	I never said that.

As Tucker throws another...

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - SAME

The doggie treat LANDS IN MAGDA'S COCKTAIL, waking her up. Magda
looks around, gets her bearings, and then DOWNS THE DRINK!

						CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - SAME

Mary and Ted, still sitting on the stoop. Mary seems a little
reflective.

		MARY
	... and then it was all over.
		(SIGHS)
	We haven't spoken since.

		TED
		(sincere)
	Wow. That's too bad. He sounds almost
	perfect.

		MARY
	Yeah...almost.
		(beat)
	You want to come up and watch Sportscenter?

		TED
	Uh no. I think I'm gonna get out while
	I'm ahead.

Mary looks a little disappointed.

		MARY
	Ted...you're not that far ahead.

		TED
	Look, Mary, the truth is...I'll be in town
	for a while now but I don't think we should
	see each other for a few weeks.

		MARY
		(alarmed)
	Why not?

		TED
	Well...to be honest....I'm really crazy
	about you and it's making me nervous and
	when I get nervous I'm not myself and I'm
	afraid I'm going to doing something really
	dumb before we get started so I think I
	should just lay back until I regain my
	composure.

Mary sort of smiles.

		MARY
	That's really sweet, Ted, but you should
	save it for one of your books.

		TED
	All right, let's go.

Ted jumps up and starts up the stairs two at a time.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

As Ted and Mary ENTER, we see Magda HOLDING UP THE COUCH with one
hand and VACUUMING WITH THE OTHER.

Mary doesn't know what to make of it.

		MARY
	Magda, what are you doing?

Magda turns off the vacuum and we hear a BANGING SOUND coupled
with the O.S. MUFFLED YAPPING of Puffy.

		MAGDA
	Oh, hi hon. Just straightening up.

		MARY
	Where's Puffy?

		MAGDA
	Ah, he was being a pest so I put him in the
	bathroom.

As the O.S. YAPPING AND BANGING continues, Magda PICKS UP THE
TELEVISION and starts DUSTING the TV stand.

		MARY
		(to Ted, concerned)
	Um, Ted, I need a moment with Magda--would
	you let the dog out of the bathroom.

		TED
	Yeah, sure.

Ted walks down the hall, following the YAPPING AND BANGING SOUND
until he comes to the bathroom door. The YAPPING is MUCH LOUDER
now and he NOTICES SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM HESITATE.

TED'S POV - the bottom part of the door is being DENTED OUTWARD
from the force of something BATTERING IT FROM WITHIN.

		TED
		(CALLING out)
	Uh, Mare, what kind of dog is Puffy?

		MARY (O.S.)
		(CALLING out)
	Toy poodle!

Ted thinks about this, shrugs, and opens the door.

BARING HIS TEETH like a Rottweiler, Puffy SPRINGS at Ted's
jugular!

INT. MARY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Ted stumbles back into the living room with the hopped-up dog ON
HIS FACE. He KNOCKS OVER A LAMP, tumbles onto the floor, and
fights for his life.

Mary and Magda SCREAM as Ted and Puffy mix it up on the floor. Ted
tries to CRAWL TOWARD THE DOOR but Puffy GRABS THE CUFF OF HIS
PANTS.

DOOR POV of Ted's anguished face as he gets pulled back into the
room.

Ted manages to GET THE DOG IN A HEADLOCK.

		MAGDA
	Stop it, you're hurting him!

		TED
		(out of breath)
	Tell him...to calm down.

Puffy gets a piece of Ted's wrist and Ted SCREAMS and drops him.
Both man and toy poodle SPRING TO THEIR FEET.

They start CIRCLING ONE ANOTHER. Puffy leaps at Ted and Ted SMACKS
HIM into a wall. Unfazed, the dog gets a running start and LEAPS
AT TED'S NECK.

Ted manages to duck and PUFFY FLIES OUT THE OPEN WINDOW!

					DISSOLVE TO:

EXT MIAMI STREET - DAY

MONTAGE OF TED AND MARY FALLING IN LOVE

--Ted and Warren are at the top of a giant WATER SLIDE
Warren motions that he has decided this is not for him.
Ted shoots him a look that makes Warren feel like a
sissy. Convinced it's not too dangerous, Warren
decides to go for it and Ted follows.

--At the bottom of the slide Ted splashes into the huge
pool of water, laughing, having a blast. Then he looks

around...no sign of Warren. Concerned, Ted dives
underwater and a moment later Resurfaces clutching a
GASPING Warren.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

--Mary pumps Warren's stomach as he coughs water out of
his mouth. Ted looks on sheepishly.

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted and Warren walk down a city sidewalk. As they pass
a shop Warren points to the window excitedly.

THEIR POV

In the window there is a mannequin dressed in a Super-
hero outfit, i.e. a generic superman.

Warren then pulls Ted into the store.

						CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted comes out followed by a beaming Warren dressed in
the Super-Hero outfit. They continue walking again and
a few steps later Warren excitedly points to another
shop window.

THEIR POV

In the window is a mannequin dressed in a cowboy
outfit, i.e. Lone Ranger (hat, badge, holster, chaps,
vest, boots, spurs, etc.)

Again, Warren pulls Ted into the store.

						CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Mary is window shopping with a few bags in hand. She
turns and reacts amused.

HER POV

Warren is now dressed in the cowboy outfit and a
humiliated Ted follows dressed in the loose fitting
Super-hero outfit.

EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted and Mary are walking arm and arm on a SCENIC PIER
where PEOPLE ARE FISHING. Right behind them are Magda
and Herb (the Homeless guy) enjoying one another's
company. Ted is on top of the world, feeling good,
looking good-right up until he gets the HOOK IN HIS
MOUTH. Suddenly he gets YANKED OUT OF FRAME.

EXT. SCENIC PIER - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted is FLOPPING AROUND on the pavement and a FISHERMAN
has his FOOT ON HIS FACE as he STRUGGLES TO REMOVE THE
HOOK. Mary looks on, concerned.

EXT. GROCERY STORE - MIAMI - DAY

--Ted and Mary come out of the grocery store each
HOLDING A COUPLE BAGS. Ted also is CARRYING PUFFY, IN A
BODYCAST. Ted PUTS PUFFY ON THE ROOF, then starts
putting the groceries in the back seat.

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

--Mary pulls her car up in front of her apartment. AS
Ted gets out of the passenger's side, he notices that
PUFFY IS STILL ON THE ROOF. He quickly GRABS PUFFY
before Mary notices.

EXT. BATTING CAGE - MIAMI - DAY

--Warren is futilely taking swings in a BATTING CAGE
while Mary looks on helplessly. Finally Ted goes into
the cage, SIGNALS THE GUY TO STOP THE PITCHING MACHINE,
and MOVES WARREN A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PLATE.

--A distraught Ted SITS SOMBERLY on a bench. Beside him, Mary
comforts Warren whose LEFT EYE IS BLACK AND BLUE AND COMPLETELY
CLOSED.

					DISSOLVE TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Ted shows up at Mary's apartment door carrying a BOUQUET OF
FLOWERS and a BASEBALL. When he KNOCKS, the door opens.

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Ted peeks around the corner and sees a SOMBER Mary sitting on the
couch.

		TED
		(chipper)
	Hey.

Mary doesn't look up. Ted ENTERS, revealing his gifts.

		TED (cont'd)
	The flowers are for you and the ball's for
	Warren. I had a friend of mine Fedex it to
	me--it's signed by Tony Conigliaro.

Mary finally looks up but doesn't smile.

		MARY
	Did you hire Pat Healy to follow me around?

Ted tries to hide his horror.

		TED
		(lamely)
	What do you mean?

Mary picks up a letter off the coffee table and hands it to him.
Ted takes a quick look and then drops it on the table.

		MARY
	It's not true...right, Ted?

Ted CLEARS HIS THROAT.

		TED
	Well, funny story there. You see, uh, it
	started out as a uh...yeah...it's true. =

Mary stands up.

		MARY
	Get out.

		TED
	Wait, hold on, Mary--it's not as bad as it
	sounds. I certainly didn't know--

		MARY
	That you put a murderer on my trail?

		TED
	Well yeah, I didn't know much about him. I
	just thought--

		MARY
	What did you think, Ted? That you could spy
	on me and trick me into thinking you were
	someone I could...really go for?

Mary starts to get emotional.

		TED
	Mary, I swear I wasn't trying to trick you.

		MARY
	Then what the fuck did you do it for?

		TED
	I did it because because I'd never
	stopped thinking about you and if I didn't
	find you I knew my life would never be good
	again.

Mary looks away.

		MARY
		(softly)
	Please leave.

		TED
		(devastated)
	Mary, come on...

		MARY
	Go!

		TED
		(beat)
	Okay.

And so Ted does.

						CUT TO:

EXT. MARY'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Ted comes out of the building, a broken man. He paces back and
forth on the sidewalk, manic with despair. Then he seems to grow
angry. He rifles through his pockets until he finds a SLIP OF
PAPER.

TED'S POV - the paper reads: 'Healy's Miami address--229 Court
Street, apt. 43.'

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Ted walks down a rather dark hallway until he comes to apartment
43. He KNOCKS on the door but no one answers. He tries the handle
and THE DOOR OPENS.

INT. SULLY'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Ted ENTERS and immediately reacts to the STENCH.

REVERSE ANGLE reveals that the place is a fucking PIG-STY. DOG
SHIT is everywhere, FLIES fill the room, a MOUSE scampers across
the carpet.

		TED
	Hello...?

No answer. Suddenly he HEARS SOMEONE out in the hall, so he ducks
behind the door.

Healy and Tucker ENTER the apartment and stop in their tracks when
they see the MESS.

		HEALY
	Ho-ly shit.

		TUCKER
	Hey, this is a pretty nice place.

		HEALY
	Sully...! What the fuck happened here?!

Again, no answer. Suddenly Ted SLAMS THE DOOR shut and grabs Healy
by the collar.

		HEALY (cont'd)
		(alarmed)
	Hey, hey, hey!

		TED
	Surprised?

		TUCKER
	Hey, buddy, don't do anything rash now.

		TED
		(to Tucker)
	Who the fuck are you?

		HEALY
	He's in love with Mary, too.

Ted releases Healy and glares at him.

		TED
	You fucked me, man? Why would you do that?

		HEALY
		(righteous)
	What do you mean 'why'?

		TED
	Answer the question, shitball.

		TUCKER
	I think everybody could use a drink.

Tucker goes into the kitchen.

		HEALY
	Look, you asked me to follow your girl
	around, and I did and I started to like
	her, and then I realized I just couldn't in
	good conscience do it.

		TED
		(amazed)
	Do what?

		HEALY
	Turn her over to a stalker.

		TED
	What?! You're calling me a stalker?

		HEALY
	That's right--if you weren't you would've
	looked for her yourself!

Suddenly they hear a SOUND and turn to see Bill the Boa slithering
into the room with A HUGE, GREAT-DANE-SIZE LUMP in his midsection.

		HEALY (cont'd)
		(sickened)
	Oh Christ...poor dog.

		TED
	You're a sick man, you know that?

		HEALY
	Yeah well fuck you! You just can't stand
	the fact that it was my turn.

		TED
	Your turn?

		HEALY
		(getting emotional)
	That's right, hot shot! My turn. What's
	the matter with me, huh? Why can't I ever
	get the great girl? Give the big pig with
	the B.O. to Healy, right? Well I was sick
	of it, man! No more--it was my turn. It was
	time for me...time for me...to be happy.

This is so pathetic that it actually gets to Ted. He sits down,
runs his fingers through his hair.

		TED
	Well you didn't have to blow us both out of
	the water. Jesus Christ, just because she
	found out about you, why'd you have to take
	me down with you?

		HEALY
	I don't know what you're talking about.

		TED
	I'm talking about the letter, asshole.

		HEALY
	What?

Ted stares at him.

		TED
	Are you telling me you didn't send Mary a
	letter outlining our deal?

		HEALY
	Why the fuck would I do that? I'd be
	screwing myself.

The guys stare at one another, then Tucker comes out the kitchen
with a drink. They turn their attention to him.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	You little fuck.

		TUCKER
	What?

		HEALY
	You fucking prick, we had a deal--you said
	you wouldn't fuck me and I wouldn't fuck
	you until we had this fuck out of the
	fucking picture.
		(moves in on Tucker)
	You crossed the line, man.

Tucker backs away nervously.

		TUCKER
	Whoa, whoa, you're getting crazy now. Why
	would I cross the line--what do you think I
	got no pride?

Healy grabs Tucker by the neck.

		TUCKER (cont'd)
	I swear! I didn't tell her nothing! You
	probably did it yourself, you piece of
	shit.

		HEALY
	Oh that makes a lot of sense. Why would I
	rat myself out?

		TUCKER
	Like I'm going to try to figure out a guy
	who's idea of courting is blowing farts in
	the chick's face

		HEALY
	You were following us?

		TUCKER
	Don't flatter yourself--I was following
	her, I always do. How the hell you think
	I got rid of Mary's boyfriend Steve?

This gets Ted's attention.

		TED
	You mean...Steve didn't say all that stuff
	about Warren?

		TUCKER
	Are you shitting me--Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes?
	He was like a fucking eagle scout. You two
	should be kissing my balls--if it wasn't
	for me, she might've married that schmuck!

Ted thinks about this.

		TED
	The hell with you both--I'm out of here.

Ted walks out the door leaving Healy and Tucker to stare each
other down. Just then Hal the Great Dane walks out of the bedroom
with a CEREAL BOX stuck on his head. Healy does a double-take,
then looks back at the snake.

		HEALY
		(sadly)
	Oh...Sully.

		TUCKER
	Look, if it wasn't you who sent the letter,
	and it wasn't me who sent it?

						CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

CLOSE ON an alarmed Mary.

		MARY
	Woogie? What are what are you doing here?

REVERSE ANGLE reveals Dom sitting on her bed.

		DOM
	Did you get my letter, Mare? The one about
	Ted?

		MARY
	You sent that?

		DOM
	Uh-huh. I was worried about you.

		MARY
	Well...thank you. But...you know you're not
	supposed to be within four hundred yards of
	me.

		DOM
		(excited)
	That's what I want to tell ya. I've been
	through two years of extensive
	psychotherapy and you know what? You were
	right--I needed help.

		MARY
		(cautious)
	That's great, Woogie, I'm happy you're
	better--you seem...good--but...you put me
	through quite an ordeal, you know.

Dom nods aggressively.

		MARY (cont'd)
	I had to move, go to court, change my last
	name--you stole all my shoes!

Dom stands up.

		DOM
	Look at me.

Mary turns her head.

		DOM (cont'd)
	Look at me, Mary. On my mother's soul, on
	God above, on everything that is holy to
	me, I did not steal your shoes.

		MARY
	Woogie, I caught you red-handed.

		DOM
	All right, I did, but I was in a weird
	place then.

He approaches her.

		DOM (cont'd)
	Give me a break, Mare, I was nuts!

Mary backs into the living room.

						CUT TO:

INT. HEALY'S CAR - DAY

Healy and Tucker are parked right out front LISTENING TO THIS
CONVERSATION. They seem concerned.

		MARY (V.O.)
	Woogie, please, you're starting to scare me.

		HEALY
	Who the hell's Woogie?

Tucker just shrugs.

BACK ON Mary and Dom. =~

		MARY
	I'm asking you to leave.

		DOM
		(gentle)
	Oh, Mary, honey, you're taking this all
	wrong.
		(beat)
	I'm not leaving...

BACK IN HEALY'S CAR

		DOM (cont'd) (V.O.)
	...Not until I get a little something to
	remember you by.

		MARY (V. O . )
		(clearly struggling)
	Stop that! No! Somebody help me!!!!!

Healy and Tucker jump out of the car and RUN INTO THE BUILDING.

						CUT TO:

INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - DAY

Healy and Tucker STORM INTO THE ROOM and freeze at what they see.

THEIR POV - Dom is cradling SEVERAL PAIRS OF SHOES in his arms
and trying to crawl to the door while Mary holds him back.

		MARY
	Stop it!

		DOM
	Just one pair! You owe me that much, you
	heartless bitch!

Healy and Tucker grab Dom and throw him down on the couch.

		HEALY
	Dom, you're pathetic, fucking over your
	friend Ted like that.

		DOM
	What? You fucked him over, too.

		HEALY
	He's no friend of mine.

Suddenly Magda ENTERS from her bedroom. She's holding a half-eaten
BANANA SPLIT. Herb, the Homeless Man, follows after her, sporting
a Tom Jones and buttoning up his shirt.

		MAGDA
	What the hell's going on here?

At first no one knows what to say. Then:

		HEALY
	We're in love with your roommate.

		MAGDA
	Aw, Christ, I can't take it anymore. I'm
	gonna pack my bags and go back to my own
	place.

Magda heads back into her bedroom and Herb follows.

		MARY
	Tucker, where are your crutches?

Tucker is stumped for a second, then:

		TUCKER
		(British accent)
	Interesting query, Mary...

Healy slaps Tucker in the back of the head.

		HEALY
	Shut the fuck up and tell her the truth.

Before he can respond, Ted ENTERS.

		TUCKER
	Well isn't this nice--now we've got the
	whole gang together.

Ted can hardly believe Dom is there.

		TED
	Dom? What are you?

		DOM
	You stole her from me. Now I want her back.

		MARY
		(rolling eyes)
	Woogie and I went out for awhile in high
	school.

		TED
		(stunned)
	You're Woogie?

		DOM
	Dom Wooganowski. Duh.

		TED
	But but you're married. You have kids a
	great wife.

		DOM
	If you're so happy with them, please, be my
	guest.

		HEALY
	If I may I have a proposal.

Everyone turns to Healy.

		HEALY (cont'd)
	I say none of us leave this room until our
	young Mary here stops jerking us around and
	decides once and for all who she wants. Now
	Mary, I know this is difficult but you
	really will be doing them all a favor to
	tell them the truth about us.

		MARY
	Are you crazy? Why would I pick you? You're
	a murderer.

Healy glares at Tucker.

		TUCKER
	Uh, well...not exactly. You see, I
	exaggerated a little there.

		MARY
	You mean he's not a criminal?

		HEALY
	God no!
		(pleased)
	I'm just a pathological liar!

Mary looks at Tucker, confused.

		MARY
	Tucker...not you, too?

Tucker lowers his head and reluctantly nods.

		TUCKER
	Name's Norm. I live up in Pompano with my
	folks.

		MARY
	Oh Jesus...

Just then the door opens and BRETT FAVRE, the Packers quarterback
ENTERS, with Warren (wearing a walkman) beside him. Everyone is
stunned.

		MARY (cont'd)
	Brett...?

		BRETT FAVRE
	Hi, Mary.

		HEALY
	What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

		BRETT FAVRE
	We're in town to play the Dolphins.

		TED
	I called him. I told him to pick up Warren
	and get over here.

everyone turns their attention to Ted.

		TED (cont'd)
	Mary, I found out that your buddy Tucker
	there lied to you about Brett.

Tucker lowers his head.

		TED (cont'd)
	Brett never said anything bad about Warren.
	He loves Warren...and from what he just
	told me on the phone, he loves you, too.
		(beat)
	He's the guy you should be with.

		BRETT FAVRE
	That's right, Mare. And you know I'll
	always be true to you.

		DOM
	Aw shit, this isn't fair.

Mary manages a smile.

		TED
		(to Mary)
	I realized something tonight. I'm no better
	than any of these guys. None of them really
	love you...they just fixated on you because
	of how you made them feel. But that's not
	real love...Thank you for letting me see
	that. Now I can get on with the rest of my
	life.

Tucker, Healy, and Dom scoff.

		TUCKER
	Oh please...

		DOM
	Don't listen to him, Mary. It's a ploy.

		HEALY
	You are so full of shit, Strohman. Are you
	going to stand here and tell us that you
	aren't in love with this girl?

Ted looks into Mary's eyes. She looks vulnerable.

		TED
	Yeah...that's what I'm telling you.
		(winks)
	See you, Mare.

Ted looks Mary in the eye, then starts for the door.

		TED (cont'd)
		(as he passes Warren)
	See you, Warren.

		WARREN
	Huh...?

Ted lifts the earphones off Warren's ear.

		TED
	See you, Warren.

		WARREN
	Bye, Ted.

Ted then WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. They all stand there in silence
for a moment, then Dom turns to Brett Favre.

		DOM
	Hey, Brett, any chance I can get you to
	autograph one of these pumps for me?

						CUT TO:

EXT. MIAMI STREET - DAY

Ted is walking down the street BLUBBERING LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL.
Everyone he passes stares at him. Suddenly Mary comes running down
the OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET.

		MARY
	Ted!

Ted stops and looks across the street at her. He wipes his eyes,
hopeful.

		TED
	What what are you doing here?

		MARY
	You forgot your keys!

She holds up a RABBIT FOOT KEY-CHAIN.

		TED
		(deflated)
	Oh. Thanks.

They remain across the street from one another.

		MARY
	Did you mean what you said back there, Ted?

Ted starts to well up again.

		MARY (cont'd)
	Ted...?

		TED
		(looking down)
	I...I just want you to be happy, Mary.

		MARY
	But I think I'd be happiest...with you.

Ted just stares at her.

		TED
	You're fucking with me, right?

Mary smiles.

		TED (cont'd)
		(wiping eyes)
	But but what about Steve?

		MARY
	Oh yeah, that'd make golf real fun--the guy
	doesn't even drink beer or gamble.

Now Ted smiles.

		MARY (cont'd)
	Get over here.

		TED
	Really?

		MARY
	Really.

The BEAMING Ted starts walking across the street. Suddenly a BUS
WHIZZES BY AND SMACKS TED BROADSIDE. He bounces around under the
bus like a rag doll, then finally squirts out the back end and
TUMBLES TO A LIMP STOP.

Mary SCREAMS and runs toward the body as a CROWD begins to gather.

		MARY
	Ted, no, no....!

She starts giving him CPR. Somebody covers him with a blanket.

Just then, another CAR WHIZZES OVER HIS FEET like speedbumps. The
crowd winces.

		MARY (cont'd)
	Somebody hold up traffic!
		(beat)
	Come on, Ted. Come on. Tell me you're going
	to be okay.

Then Ted takes a deep breath and his eyes flutter open.

		TED
	Mary....Oh Mary, I love you.

Mary's smile is as bright as the light from heaven.

		MARY
	I love you too, Ted.
		(beat)
	I think I always have.

As the two lovebirds kiss, a LADY CALLS OUT:

		LADY
	Over here! I found his foot! It was in the
	storm drain!

ON THE LADY as she holds up a SEVERED FOOT in a cloth.

		MARY
	All right, everyone, let's fan out and look
	for the penis!

As Ted REACTS to this, we pull UP, UP, UP, and

FADE OUT.
THE END

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