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Night at the Roxbury, A (1998)

by Steve Koren, Will Ferrell & Chris Kattan .
First Draft, June 2, 1997.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com


FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY


FADE IN:

EXT. PANORAMIC VIEW OF LOS ANGELES - SUNSET


As we hear "What is Love" by HADDAWAY -- night falls and
partytime begins.


SUPERIMPOSE:  SUNSET BLVD., 11:03 PM


							CUT TO:


EXT. DANCE CLUBS - NIGHT


Coconut Teaser, The Palace, The Roxbury, Tatou, etc.


							CUT TO:


INT. DANCE CLUBS- QUICK SHOTS - NIGHT


Of random dancers -- gyrating, flirting, making out, drinking.


							CUT TO:


INT. PALACE - NIGHT


The CAMERA MOVES THROUGH a crowded dance floor -- and
SETTLES ON the rhythmically swaying backs of...


STEVE & DOUG BUTABI


Our heroes.  In their minds, Steve is tall, dark and handsome and DOUG is a little genius. Neither is correct
-- except for the tall and little part.


They simultaneously turn and scope the room.  In unison,
their heads bop to the MUSIC.  Doug steps out from the
bar.


			DOUG
		(to O.S. female)
	Hey!  You want to dance?  No?
	Yes?  Alright, don't worry about
	it.


Doug, rejected, steps back as Steve steps out.


			STEVE
		(to O.S. female)
	Do you want to dance?  You do?
	You don't?  Not a problem.


They are no strangers to rejection, so neither is fazed.
Doug enthusiastically steps towards two attractive girls.


			DOUG
	Hey, you wanna...?


Two attractive girls turn their backs to Doug.


			DOUG
		(remaining positive)
	No?  Maybe I'll see you later.


Doug steps back.  Steve spots GIRL AT end of BAR and
dances over to her.


			STEVE
	Hey, do you want to dance?


			GIRL AT BAR
	No.


			STEVE
		(cheerfully)
	Alright, you know where I'll be.


Steve steps back.  Doug sees a pretty woman on a balcony,
waving to someone.


			DOUG/STEVE
		(pointing to each other)
	You want him?  Me?  Him?  Me?


Pretty woman waves them off, frustrated, and dissapears.


			STEVE
	... Oh, you're okay?


			DOUG
	Alright then.


They turn around to the bar, bartender is standing in
front of them.


			STEVE
	Bartender, can I get a beer?


The bartender pays no attention and walks away.  Second
bartender comes from the opposite direction.


			DOUG
	Barkeep, what do you have on tap?


The second bartender ignores them, walks away.  The
bartenders keep crossing past the, paying no attention.


			STEVE
	Big guy, could I get a...


			DOUG
	My man, how 'bout a...


			STEVE
	S'cuse me, partner...


			DOUG
	Yo, buddy, I was wondering... you
	know what?  Don't worry about it.


			STEVE
	Yeah, we're good.


They turn back to the dance floor and bop.  Suddenly, a
HOT GIRL dances in front of them.


Doug dances up behind her and frantically gyrates.  She
turns away -- only to find...


Steve gyrating behind her.  The guys close in on her
trapping her in the middle.


			HOT GIRL
	Get off me!


She runs off, furious.  The guys, unaware that she's
upset, celebrate.


			STEVE/DOUG
	Score!


They high five.  The doorman comes over with the upset
Girl and pulls the guys out.


			STEVE/DOUG
	What?  What's goin' on?  What's
	your problem?


							CUT TO:


EXT. SUNSET BLVD. - NIGHT


The road flies by as we PAN UP the front grill of a red
BMW to reveal Doug and Steve.  The car stops next to two
girls in a white Porshe.


INT. BMW - NIGHT


			DOUG
	We got some sweetness on the left.


Doug Turns UP the STEREO really loud so the car is
pounding.


			STEVE
		(to the girls)
	What's up?


			DOUG
		(to the girls)
	How you ladies doin' tonight?


INTERCUT GIRLS' POV


The guys moving their mouths -- but the girls can't hear
them.


			GIRL #1
	Turn your music down!


			DOUG
	Yeah!  Just follow us!


			GIRL #2
	You're a big stupid ass!


			STEVE
	No.  You have beautiful eyes!


			DOUG
	I like you too!


			GIRL #1
	Go home, jerkoff!


			STEVE
	Okay, we'll meet you there.


The light turns green.  Girls drive off.


							CUT TO:


EXT. ROXBURY CLUB - NIGHT


A neon sign reads "ROXBURY."


ROXBURY CLUB FRONT DOOR


A huge muscular BOUNCER, wearing a headset, guards the
roped off area.  Doug and Steve confidently strut past
the crowd.


			BOUNCER
	Stop!


			DOUG/STEVE
	What's up?


			BOUNCER
	Guys, this is the Roxbury.  No one
	gets in unless you're on the list.


			DOUG
	We're on the list.


			BOUNCER
	Names?


			DOUG
	Doug Butabi.


			STEVE
	Steve Butabi.


			BOUNCER
	You're brothers?


			DOUG
	No...


They slowly turn to each other and bust.


			DOUG/STEVE
	... Yes!


They high five, laughing.


			BOUNCER
	Quite a joke.


			STEVE
	Doug is hilarious.


			DOUG
	Yeah, I know.


			BOUNCER
	Yeah, you ever hear this one?
	You're not on the list.


Behind Steve and Doug, a '98 yellow FERRARI SCREECHES up
to the valet.  Car door opens and...


RICHARD GRIECO


gets out.  Looking great, in an Armani suit, beautiful
supermodel accompanies him.


			STEVE
		(beside himself)
	Is that...?


			DOUG
	It is.  The King of '21 Jump
	Street.'  Richard Grieco.


Grieco quickly steps past Steve and Doug.


			STEVE
		(aside to Doug)
	Check the wheels.


			DOUG
	Check the hottie.


The Bouncer jumps aside, letting them enter.  Richard
inadvertently rubs his nose as he enters.


DOUG & STEVE


Watching.  They both imitate his nose rub and try to
follow him in.  The Bouncer steps in front of them.


			DOUG
		(yelling at Grieco
		 like they know him)
	Alright, we'll see you later then!
		(to Bouncer)
	You know what?  We're gonna take
	off now.


			STEVE
	Maybe we'll hang out later.


			BOUNCER
	There's no chance of that
	happening.


			STEVE
	Sounds good.


The guys exit.


							CUT TO:


INT. BMW - NIGHT


The guys are driving.


			DOUG
	You know what was wrong with that
	place.


			STEVE
	It's hard to say, since we didn't
	get in.


			DOUG
	It's just a poorly run operation.
	They can't properly evaluate the
	incoming clientele.


			STEVE
	I thought we just didn't look cool
	enough.


			DOUG
	C'mon.  You?  You're a beautiful
	man.  I tell you what I'd do if it
	were my club.  I would treat all
	the outside wannabes just as well
	as any legendary former television
	star.


			STEVE
	That's pretty Roosevelt of you.


			DOUG
	It's just what I believe in.


							CUT TO:


EXT. SUNSET BLVD - LATER


A police car drives behind them, turns on the SIREN.


INT. BMW


The sound of the SIREN mixes with their MUSIC.


			DOUG
	Must be the new dance mix version.


			POLICE OFFICER (O.S.)
		(loud speaker)
	Pull over to the side of the road!


A female POLICE OFFICER signals them to pull over.


DRIVER'S WINDOW


The officer steps up to their car.


			POLICE OFFICER
	You know you were doing fifty?


			STEVE
		(yelling over radio)
	What?


She reaches in, shuts OFF RADIO -- starts filling out
ticket.


			POLICE OFFICER
	This is a twenty-five mile an hour
	zone.


			DOUG
	Hottie cop likes you.


			STEVE
	You serious?


			DOUG
	You think she pulls over anybody?
	Mave a move.


			STEVE
		(turning to her)
	What's going on?


			POLICE OFFICER
	Not much, I'm just giving you an
	eighty dollar ticket.


			DOUG
	She is so into you.


			POLICE OFFICER
	Can I see your license and
	registration?


Steve pulls the documents off the sun visor, hands them
over.


			STEVE
		(seductively)
	I think I got what you're looking
	for.


She takes it, walks back to police car.  Doug adjusts the
rearview mirror.


POLICE CAR


She's on the radio.


			DOUG
	She's calling her friends.


			STEVE
	Seriously?


			DOUG
	Here she comes.


			STEVE
	How's my hair?


She hands Steve the papers and a ticket.


			POLICE OFFICER
	I want you to do me a favor.


			STEVE
	Whatever you say, TJ Hooker.


			POLICE OFFICER
	Please obey any and all posted
	speed limit signs.  Have a good
	night.


			STEVE
	It's already good, now that you've
	served and protected me.


She laughs it off, walks away.  Doug takes the ticket.


			DOUG
	Way to go, my friend.  You got her
	badge number plus a month from now
	you have a date to meet her at the
	Municipal State Court.  Up top!


			DOUG/STEVE
	Score!


They high five and PEEL OUT.


							CUT TO:


EXT. FLORENTINE GARDENS DANCE CLUB - NIGHT


This is a very downscale crowd, crappy cars, surrounding a dilapidated building.


INT. FLORENTINE GARDENS CLUB - NIGHT


Completely packed.  People are physically wedged up
against one another.


			DOUG
	This is what it's all about.


A big SECURITY GUY plows through the area.


			SECURITY GUY
	Folks, we got to keep this area
	clear!


The crowd moves, sweeping the guys along.  Doug and Steve
settle in a different spot.


			STEVE
	There's a good feeling in here.


			ANOTHER SECURITY GUY
	People, there's no lingering by
	the exits!


As it moves, Doug is engulfed in the crowd and
disappears.


			STEVE
	Doug?... Hey, Doug!... Whoa!


Steve is shoved away as the crowd moves again.


DOUG


jumps up and pops his head above the crowd.


			DOUG
	Steve!


STEVE


is wedged into a corner.


			STEVE
	Doug!


DOUG


pops up near the entrance to the men's room.


			DOUG
	Steve!


DANCE FLOOR


			STEVE
	Doug!


							CUT TO:


INT. MEN'S BATHROOM


Doug's face is wedged up against a mirror.  He struggles
to pull a cellular phone put of his pocket and dial.


INTERCUT WITH:


DANCE FLOOR


Steve is wedged against a blinking light.  We hear a
cellular PHONE RING.  Steve reaches in his pocket and
pulls out his phone.


			STEVE
	Hello?


			DOUG
	Steve, it's Doug.


			STEVE
	Oh, hey, Doug.  So, what's going on?


			DOUG
	Not much.  Where are you?


			STEVE
	I don't know.  Where are you?


Doug gets pushed up against a urinal.


			DOUG
	There's a lot of guys pulling down
	their pants, so it's either the
	bathroom or the V.I.P room.  Meet
	me back at the bar.  If I don't
	make it, I'll see you tommorow at
	home.


DOUG hangs up.  O.S.  we hear someone UNZIP.


			DOUG
		(panicked)
	Hey, just hold on a second.


Doug moves away.


INT. DANCE FLOOR - LATER THAT NIGHT


Two very bored club girls are standing up against a wall.


			DOUG
	So, anyway, I'm standing there
	waiting to use the pay phone...


			STEVE
	Yeah, he was.  Seriously.


			DOUG
	And this guy who's on the phone
	turns around and tips his hat like
	this.


DOUG does a "tip your hat" motion.


			STEVE
	And who do you think the guy was?


Girls still stone-faced.


			DOUG
	Emilio Estevez.


			STEVE
	The Mighty Duckman.  Swear to God.
	I was there.


			DOUG
		(teasing)
	Of course, you were.  You're the
	one who yelled the breakfast
	clubber's name.


			STEVE
	I was like -- 'Emilioooo!'


			DOUG
	So, anyway... you guys want to
	make out or what?


The girls stare at them.


							CUT TO:


EXT. AM/PM MIN-MART GAS STATION - NIGHT


The guys pull up.  Doug gets out and starts to pump gas.


			DOUG
	Score some chippage.  I'll meet
	you in there.


Steve exits into the AM/PM.  Doug notices a woman puttng
gas into her car.  She feins a smile, looks away.


			DOUG
	Hey!


Doug starts pulling the pump in and out of the gas
tank -- simulating copulation.  She's repulsed.


							CUT TO:


INT. AM/PM -- CONTINOUS ACTION


Steve looking at a bag of Pork Rinds.  Doug comes up from
behind.


			DOUG
	Hey, she's totally looking at you.


			STEVE
	Who?


Doug motions toward the CASHIER.  She snaps her gum and
is reading People magazine.


			DOUG
	Ask her where the chips are.


			STEVE
	But, I know where they are.


DOUG pushes him.  Steve walks over to the Cashier.


			STEVE
	Excuse me, I'm looking for the
	potato chips.  You know, chips
	made out of potato.


			CASHIER
	They're right behind you.


			STEVE
	Wow, you really know what's going
	on, don't you?


He turns away and pretends to look at the chips.  Doug
gives him a thumbs up.


Richard Grieco enters the store and walks up to the
Cashier.  She lights up, recognizing Grieco.


			DOUG
	Steve, look.


Doug and Steve walk up to Grieco.


			DOUG
		(trying to be cool)
	Hey.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	... Hey.


			DOUG
	Remember us?  We were at the
	Roxbury.


			STEVE
		(to Grieco)
	We were outside?


Grieco turns to Cashier.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Could I get a pack of Marlboro
	Lights and that 12-pack of
	Trojans.  Thanks.


Cashier rings it up,  hands it to him.


			CASHIER
		(obviously enamored)
	Thanks.


Grieco exits, they all watch.  Steve approaches Cashier.


			STEVE
	Yeah, I think I'm gonna need a 12-
	pack of Trojans over there.


			CASHIER
	You know, they expire in two
	years.


							CUT TO:


EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT


Doug and Steve watch Grieco's Ferrari drive off as they
sit on the car and eat Pork Rinds.


			DOUG
	That nabob has got it going on.


			STEVE
		(sadly envious)
	Kickin' it at the Roxbury, rollin'
	a banana Ferrari.


			DOUG
	Tasty geisha by his side.


			STEVE
	The man is a bag of chips.


			DOUG
		(correcting him)
	All that and a bag of chips.


			STEVE
	Right.  Well, we're doing okay.  I
	got a number tonight.


			DOUG
		(thrilled)
	Let me see it!


Steve hands him a cocktail napkin.  Doug reads it.


			DOUG
	555...?  Steve, this isn't real.
	It's one of those fake T.V.
	numbers.


			STEVE
	Is not.


			DOUG
	Is, too.  I get this number all
	the time.


			STEVE
	At least she respected me enough
	to write a fake number.  We'll get
	a real one one of these days.


			DOUG
	One of these days?  Steve, don't
	you get it?  These are our days.
	Now!  Today!  Ahora!


			STEVE
	Ah whatta?


Doug jumps off the car, starts pacing.


			DOUG
	Steve, we're young.  We're
	supposed to purge ourselves of the
	party virus or we'll just get so
	clogged up that when we're like
	forty we'll just explode.


			STEVE
	Yeah, like one of those individual
	plastic butters you get in the
	diner.  You know, like when you
	squish it, just bursts out all
	over the place.


Steve makes explosion sound.


			DOUG
	Forget the butter, Steve.  I'm
	trying to explain --


			STEVE
		(interrupting)
	Or like when you put an egg in a
	microwave and all the yellow stuff
	flies out.


He mimes exploding egg.


			DOUG
	That's an exceptional way to
	visualize it but listen to me.


			STEVE
	Oh!  Remember in camp when we put
	that can of beans in the fire?


			DOUG
	And it exploded.  Yes.  Steve!  If
	we're ever going to live up to our
	full potential, we've got to get
	this partying out of our systems
	now.


			STEVE
	Let's do it.


They both get in the car.


							CUT TO:


INT. BMW - NIGHT


			DOUG/STEVE
	Alright, let's do it!  Do it!
	Woo!


			STEVE
	... Do what?  Everything's closed.


Beat.


			DOUG
	Then let's go home.


			STEVE
		(excited)
	Let's go home!  Wooo!


							CUT TO:


EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - MORNING


The house is a bad '80s combination of classical styles.


							CUT TO:


INT. BEDROOM - MORNING


We PAN AROUND to see semi-juvenile furniture -- which is
overwhelmed by a huge stereo system.


Doug sleeps, mouth open.  A piece of red licorice reaches
INTO FRAME and starts darting in and out of Doug's mouth.
He coughs and waves it away.  The licorice starts going
up his nostril.  Doug wakes up.


			DOUG
	Hey!  Knock it off!


			STEVE
	Twizzled you, my friend.


			DOUG
	Yeah, you totally got me.


STEVE laughs at this, starts eating the licorice.


			DOUG
	That was in my nose.


Steve stops eating.


							CUT TO:


INT. KITCHEN -- DAY


Two giant Great Danes plow through, knocking over plates.
We meet their dad, KAMEHL BUTABI, fifties, Eugene Levi-
type, with some sort of Middle Eastern accent.


			 MR. BUTABI
  Captain!  Tenille!  Stop that!


Steve and Doug, in silk bathrobes, hair completely
disheveled, enter.


			MR. BUTABI
	Look at this.  Barbara, look who's
	honoring us with their presence.


We meet their mom, BARBARA BUTABI, well kept trophy wife.
She tries to straighten out their hair.


			DOUG/STEVE
	Ma!... come on.


			MRS. BUTABI
		 (handing Doug orange
		  juice)
  Here...


			DOUG
		(rejecting juice)
	Mom, I'm trying to get my body to
	enter the zone, so I can optimize
	my fat-burning potential, and
	orange juice does not help!


			STEVE
	Doug, according to 'Fit for Life'
	the idea of a balanced breakfast
	is a fallacy.  Your body is only
	prepared to accept one form of
	food in the A.M. -- fruit.


Steve grabs the glass.


			DOUG
	You can putrefy your insides if
	you want to.  But, I'm having a
	cup of cooked oatmeal, one
	tablespoon protein power...


As Doug continues, Mr. Butabi gets more and more annoyed.


			DOUG
	... and four soy sausage links.
		(to Steve)
	That's how you hit your peak.


			MR. BUTABI
		(sarcastic)
	Quick, Barbara, look at Doug.  He
	is hitting his peak.  You don't
	want to miss this.


			MRS. BUTABI
	Honey, if you're going to hit your
	peak, do it in your room.


			STEVE
	All I want for breakfast is some
	sliced mangos and persimmons.


			MR. BUTABI
	That's enough, you two.  Your
	mother is not the maid.


			STEVE
	No, can you tell the maid I want
	some sliced mangos and persimmons?


			MR. BUTABI
	I want you both at work in half an
	hour.  And, Steve wear something
	nice.  Emily's back from school.


			DOUG
	Excuse me, Dad, but I think you're
	confusing Steve for someone who
	gives a flying rat's ass.


			STEVE
	Wow, a flying rat's ass.  That
	would be wild to see.


			MRS. BUTABI
	Kamehl, they'll be there.  Just
	let them have their breakfast.


			MR. BUTABI
	Sure.  Eat.  They need their
	strength so they can stay out all
	night for their dancing and their
	orgies.


			STEVE
	For your information, Dad, Doug
	and I were not able to find an
	orgy last night.


			MR. BUTABI
	Barbara, explain something to me.
	They graduate from high school and what
	do they do?  Nothing.  Do they go
	to college?  No.  Do they take any
	intrest in my business?  No.  Do
	they think about the future?  No.


			DOUG
	Dad, if you know all the answers,
	why do you keep asking the questions?


			MR. BUTABI
	Half an hour.  I want to see your
	dance club asses at the store.


Mr. Butabi exists.


							CUT TO:


EXT. RODEO DRIVE - SIDEWALK- AFTERNOON


"Staying Alive" by the BEE GEES.  Set of shoes walking, a
la the opening of Saturday Night Fever.


We WIDEN to another set of shoes -- PAN UP to reveal Doug
and Steve, strutting down the street like John Travolta.
Each holds a silk plant.


INT. STORE WINDOW - CELL PHONE


We see the guys pass.  They stop and hold up their cell
phone to the one in the window -- same way Travolta did
with the shoe.


A beautiful WOMAN walks by.  They turn to look at her
ass.  They run back and stand in front of her. She
pushes them aside.


			WOMAN
	Jerks.


She exits.  They continue.  They pass a cappucino
cart.


			CAPPUCINO SALESMAN
	Single or double?


They look at each other to confirm their choice.


			STEVE/DOUG
	Double.


They walk with their iced cappucinos in bubble top cups
with straws.  MUSIC FADES.


							CUT TO:


INT. SILK PLANT STORE - LATER


Steve and Doug enter holding silk plants.  Mr. Butabi
walks up to them, takes the plants.  Doug is wearing a
Walkman.


			MR. BUTABI
	Good.  Steve, you have a customer.
	Doug, go ring that man up.


They both nod agreeably.  Steve exists.  Doug doesn't
move, still listening to the Walkman.  Mr. Butabi pulls
his walkman off and points at the register.  Doug exists.


CASH REGISTER COUNTER


Doug steps behind the counter, helping a COUPLE with several silk floral arrangements.


			DOUG
	How will you be paying for this?
	Cash, check or charge?


			MAN
		(pulling it out)
	Charge.


			DOUG
		 (looking at it)
	Visa, Mastercard, or Discover?


			MAN
	Move your thumb.


Doug moves it.


			DOUG
	Oh... Visa.  Good one.


Doug makes a "you got me" motion.  He slides the card
through.


			DOUG
	I think something's wrong with
	your card.  You sure this is
	yours?  'Cause it's not
	processing.


			MAN
	It's my card.


			DOUG
	I better call it in.


Doug calls.


			DOUG
	Operator 238 please.


INTERCUT WITH:


INT. CREDIT SWITCHBOARD -- CONTINIOUS ACTION


SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR, with headset, in front of computer,
answers phone.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	Authorization.  Card number?


			DOUG
	What's up?


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	Doug, I told you not to call anymore.


			DOUG
	I got to get an approval.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	The card's fine.


			DOUG
	Not the card, sweetness.  Me.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	Shut up and swipe it.


			DOUG
	I can go for that.


Doug swipes it through.


			DOUG
	... that feel good?  'Cause I
	could swipe it all night.


Doug keeps swiping it.  The couple looks at each other.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	It's fine.  Good-bye.


She hangs up.  Doug happily hangs up.


			DOUG
		(notices couple
		 still waiting)
	... Oh, can I help you with
	something?


ROW OF SILK FERNS


A middle-aged lady CUSTOMER is perusing.  Steve walks up.


			STEVE
	Excuse me, may I show you around
	the Silk Garden.  Home of a
	wondrous variety of flora and
	fauna -- all made of silk.


			CUSTOMER #1
	Are these supposed to be ferns?


			STEVE
	That's what people will say.  But
	guess what?


			CUSTOMER #1
	What?


			STEVE
		(whispers in ear)
	... it's not real.  It's silk.
		(acting in shock)
	Oh, be careful!


			CUSTOMER #1
	What's wrong?


			STEVE
	You've accidentally wandered into
	the Enchanted Forest.  Allow me to
	be your guide.


Steve ducks behind the four or five silk trees that make
up the "forest" and sticks his head out from between two
trees -- now wearing a safari hat.  He picks up a	 watering pot, tips it on a plant -- nothing comes out.


			STEVE
	You know what I just did?


			CUSTOMER #3
	What?


			STEVE
	I just watered your plant for a
	whole year.


							CUE TO:


LITTLE DIORAMA OF NIGHT


It's a show box on the register counter, cut up silk
flowers inside.  Doug is making two figures dance.


			DOUG
		(male voice)
	What's up?  You want to dance?
		(female voice)
	With you.  Oh, God, yes.


Doug slams the figures together, singing a dance song.
Mr. Butabi enters.


			MR. BUTABI
	What are you doing?


Doug pulls the diorama away.


			DOUG
	Not much.


			MR. BUTABI
	You don't spend enough time in
	dance clubs?  You have to cut up
	my plants, and make toys of them?


			DOUG
	This club had a jungle theme.


			MR. BUTABI
		(calling off)
	Carlos!  Come work the cash
	register.
		(to Doug)
	You get your brother and load
	the truck.


CARLOS, middle-aged assistant manager, steps behind
counter.  Doug grabs the diorama and exits.


							CUT TO:


EXT. STOREFRONT - LATER


Next door to "BUTABI'S SILK GARDEN" is "BRIGHT IDEA" lamp
store.  Steve gingerly loads a tree into the store van.
Doug tosses his in.


			EMILY (O.S.)
	Steve!  Steve!


Steve starts to turn.  Doug tries to stop him.


			DOUG
	Don't look!


EMILY ANDERSON, a plain over-eager girl, early 20s,
bounces out of the lamp store, holding a CHANDELIER in
one hand that TINKLES every time she moves.


			EMILY
	Hi, Steve.  Hey, Doug.


			STEVE
	Hey, Emily.


			DOUG
		(turning away)
	Whatever.


			STEVE
	So, I guess you're back from
	school and working in the lamp
	store again.


			EMILY
	Yeah, I missed you.


			DOUG
	Pardon me.  I got to talk to my
	brother a second.


Doug pulls Steve aside.


			DOUG
	What, do you like her or something?


			STEVE
	No.


			DOUG
	Then why are you talking to her?


			STEVE
	She's talking to me.


			DOUG
	Steve, look at me.  It is your
	destiny to be with a variety of lady
	girls.  Not just one lamp store
	troll.  And quite frankly, your level
	of looks is way above her level of
	looks.  So for her own good, just
	walk away.


			STEVE
	You are so smart.


			DOUG
	That's why I'm here.


			EMILY
	So, Steve, you gonna ask me out
	'cause I think we could have a really
	good time...


			STEVE
	Yeah, that sounds good.


Doug annoyed, steps between them.


			DOUG
	Back off, chicklet!


			EMILY
	What's your problem.  Doug?


			DOUG
	Emily, I don't know if you know
	this, but my brother and I?  We
	live life in the fast lane.  That
	means no stop signs, no red
	lights, and no pulling over to
	take pictures.  Now you see this
	man over here?


Doug motions to Steve.


			STEVE
	What's up?


			DOUG
	He's my co-pilot on this magic
	carpet ride.  It's a two-man
	operation.  One -- two --
		(points at Emily)
	-- crowd.


			EMILY
	Shut up, Doug.


			DOUG
	Sh!  I just don't want you to get
	hurt.


Their father walks over.


			MR. BUTABI
	Emily!


			EMILY
	Hi, Mr. Butabi.


Their father puts his arm around Steve.


			MR. BUTABI
	You know my son, Steve, here,
	likes you.


			STEVE
	Dad, come on!


Doug, frustrated, walks away.  FRED ANDERSON, Emily's
overweight father, walks over, also holding a CHANDELIER
and TINKLING, puts his arm around Emily.


			FRED
		(gregarious)
	Mr. Butabi, is Steve asking Emily
	to marry him again?  Ha, ha.


			MR. BUTABI
	Ha, ha, with the way they carry on, I
	think they're already planning their
	honeymoon, Mr. Anderson.


			FRED
	Ha.  Ha.  Did I tell you?  I've
	already booked a wedding band.


			MR. BUTABI
	Ha.  Ha.  Yes, and if they have
	enough grandchildren we won't have to
	hire salesmen anymore.  Ha, ha, ha...


Doug stands behind them and mocks laughing along with
them.


			FRED
	Kamehl, you kill me.


			MR. BUTABI
	No, you kill me.  You murder me.


			FRED
		(as he walks away)
	... salesmen.  That's great.


Emily waves good-bye to Steve.


			DOUG
	Dad, can you just leave Steve alone?


			MR. BUTABI
	What?  Your brother likes the girl.


			DOUG
	No, he doesn't.


			STEVE
	No, I don't.


			DOUG
	Dad, nothing personal, but Emily's
	like a pigwoman from a planet of pig
	people.  And she's trying to take
	Steve on her porky little spaceship
	so she can take him back to the
	Planet Pig!


			STEVE
	Hey, Doug, you know what they eat on
	the Pig Planet?  Bacon and sausage.


			DOUG
		(laughing)
	Nice call.


They high five.


			STEVE
	Every once in a while I'll hit pay
	dirt.


			MR. BUTABI
	This is all too bad, because that
	girl is going to be his wife.


			DOUG
	No, she's not.


			STEVE
		(to Doug)
	You know, they could also eat ham.


			MR. BUTABI
	Enough of pig talk.  Doug, do you
	see this wall?  When they marry,
	we can knock it down.  Then
	combine stores and have the first
	plant/lamp store.  And Steve and
	Emily can run it and it's up to
	them if they want to keep you
	around.


			DOUG
	Are you seeing planes?  Is your
	name Tatu?  Because I think you're
	living on Fantasy Island.


			STEVE
	God, that was a sweet show.


			MR. BUTABI
	Yes, I have a fantasy.  That I
	have two capable sons who listen
	to me.  Look how you load the
	truck.  You've done enough damage
	for one day.  Get out of here.
	I'm sick of both of you!


Their father slams the van closed and exits into the
store.


			 STEVE
	So, we're on a break?


			DOUG
	I guess.


			STEVE
	You want to Crunch it?


			DOUG
	Sure, I'll Crunch.


							CUT TO:


INT. CRUNCH GYM - STEVE AND DOUG'S POV - DAY


of the cardiovascular room.  Long line of stairmasters,
treadmills, etc.  We PASS people working out.


			DOUG (O.S.)
	What's up, Stacey?


STACEY rolls her eyes at them and turns away.


			STEVE (O.S.)
	Patty, work it.


			PATTY
	Shut up.


			DOUG (O.S.)
	Ritchie, you're the man.


			RITCHIE
	Fuck off.


The guys stop to look at a WOMAN on the inner thigh
machine.  She opens and closes her legs, notices them.


			WOMAN
	What?


They look back up and walk away.


			STEVE (O.S.)
	Tom-meee!


Steve raises his hand to high five a bodybuilder, who
ignores them.


			STEVE (O.S.)
	Catch you later.


INT. WEIGHT ROOM - DAY


A huge muscle guy is looking in the mirror as he pumps a
barbell.  Doug and Steve step over.  This is the first
time we see them, in their gym attire -- tight Spandex
pants, mesh tank tops and giant weight belts.


			DOUG
	Excuse me, can the rest of us use
	the mirror?


The muscle guy moves over.  Doug picks up a small	 dumbbell.  Steve spots.


			DOUG
		(pumps it)
	How's my form?


			STEVE
	Looking good.  Relax the
	shoulders... breathe through it...
	lift don't swing... feel the
	burn... stitch in time... and let
	me hear this one...


			DOUG
		(screaming)
	Aaaaaaaaah!


Steve joins in.


			DOUG/STEVE
	Aaaaaaaaaaaah!


Doug finishes, drops dumbbell.


			DOUG
	Sweet pump.  Got some veinage
	going.


Two girls walk over.


			DOUG
		(whispers to Steve)
	Ask me what time it is.


			STEVE
	But I know what time it is.


			DOUG
	Hotties.


			STEVE
	Oh...
		(loudly)
	Excuse me, do you know what time
	it is?


			DOUG
	Sure, Let me check my watch.


Doug elaborately twists his arm to look at his watch --
flexing his triceps and displaying them to their full
advantage.


			DOUG
	I... think it's... quarter three.


Doug stays unnaturally in that position till the girls
leave.  He relaxes.


			DOUG
	Ladies love triceps.


CRAIG, an overenthusiastic trainer, steps up to them.


			CRAIG
	Doug!  Steve!  What's up?


			DOUG/STEVE
	Craig!


			CRAIG
	Looking large, gentlemen.  You
	guys want the rest of my power
	bar?


-- holding it up.


			DOUG
		(holding it up)
	No, we got a Nitro bar.


			CRAIG
		(holding it up)
	How 'bout an Energy Booster Bar?


			STEVE
		(holding it up)
	No, we got a Muscle Triplicator
	Bar.


			CRAIG
	Okay, but let me know if you need
	some carbs.  I got a case of
	'carbolicious' in the back.  But
	supplements aside, can I get some
	quality time with you fellas?


			DOUG
	We're in between sets.  Lay it on.


			CRAIG
	How long we been friends?


			STEVE
	All seven years of high school.


			CRAIG
	That's right.  That's why I got to be
	real with you now.  And I'm not gonna
	sugar coat it.  As a professional
	trainer,  I'm a little worried about
	your pecs.  You guys don't go all the
	way down.  It's called full
	extension.  And I'm not seeing it.


			DOUG
	Craig, you're right.  We actually had
	a long talk about that the other
	night.


			CRAIG
	I just don't want you to cheat
	yourselves.  I'm sorry I had to come
	down on you like this, but in a weird
	way, that's my job.


			DOUG
	Hey, that's why we love you and we
	hate you.


			CRAIG
	Still friends?


			STEVE/DOUG
	You know it.


			CRAIG
	I'm glad we had this talk.


			STEVE
	Hey, we don't talk, we do.


They all nod.


INT. AEROBICS CLASS - LATER


A very fit AEROBICS TEACHER stands on a mini-stage.


			AEROBICS TEACHER
	Okay, everybody, I'm Shelley.  Are
	you ready to Cardio-Funk?


			CROWD (O.S.)
	Yeah!


			DOUG
	  No!... Yes!


			STEVE
	Oh, man, you are hilarious.


They high-five.  MUSIC STARTS.  "MOVE YOUR BODY" by
Amber.


			AEROBICS TEACHER
	Okay!  Here comes the countdown!
	Three... two... one!


PAN a line of aerobicizers.  Everyone is in synch --
except Doug and Steve, who work out chaotically.


			AEROBICS TEACHER
	... and kick!


Everyone kicks.  But, they continue their hyper dance.


			AEROBICS TEACHER
	... and reach.


Everyone reaches.  They continue being out of synch.


Suddenly, they stop, put fingers on their necks and stare
up at a clock.  Simultaneously, they go right back into
their manical dance.


MUSIC ENDS.  Everyone but Doug and Steve stop.  People
stare at them.  They continue in silence, then slowly
wind down as they notice people staring.


			DOUG
	Alright!  Yeah!


			STEVE
	Cardio-funk!


			DOUG
	Thank you, Shelley!


Shelley stares at them.  After a few uncomfortable beats.



			DOUG/STEVE
	... what's up?


							CUT TO:


EXT. CRUNCH GYM - AFTERNOON


Doug and Steve simultaneously put on their sunglasses.


			STEVE
	Should we go back to work?


			DOUG
	Probably.


			STEVE
	What do you want to do?


			DOUG
	We shaked it, let's bake it.


They walk off.


							CUT TO:


EXT. PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY - AFTERNOON


Guys drive along highway in BMW.  Ocean on one side.
Steve stares off at the ocean.


			 STEVE
	Water.


			 DOUG
	Where?


			STEVE
	There.


Doug turns.


			DOUG
	Right.


EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON


We see Steve and Doug, waist up.  They have lotion caked
up unevenly on themselves.


			STEVE
	You know, I told Dad we should put
	some ferns and some silk banana
	trees in front of the store.
	'Cause then passersby and the like
	could see 'em and we could attract
	more customers.


			DOUG
		(unsure what he just
		 heard)
	Moonwalk that by me again?


			STEVE
	I just said I was talking to Dad
	about the store and...


			DOUG
	The store?  You're sitting around
	thinking about the store?


			STEVE
	Yeah.


			DOUG
	Why?


			STEVE
	That's where we work.


			DOUG
		(exploding)
	That's right.  And is that all you
	want to do with your life?  Is
	that all you think we're capable
	of doing --


Two hot bikini babes walk past them.  Guys immediately
stop arguing and turn.  We --


							CUT TO:


SAME SCENE - WIDE ANGLE


-- to see the guys full body, for the first time.
They're wearing black Gucci G-string bathing suits.  They
flex and hold uncomfortable body positions to show off
their muscles.


			DOUG
	What's up?


			STEVE
	Want to go for a swim or what?


			DOUG
		(strangled, twisting
		 arm unnaturally)
	... about quarter after... five


The girls walk away.  The guys stop flexing and resume
their argument.


			DOUG
	-- capable of doing with our
	lives!


			STEVE
	Hey, Doug, why are you Mt. St.
	Helensing on me?


			DOUG
	Because I want more for you.  I
	care about you.


			STEVE
	That is so sweet of you.


			DOUG
	I know.  And you deserve better.
	You deserve to get into the
	Roxbury.


			STEVE
	Doug, there's a list.  You have to
	be like a Richard Grieco type guy.


			DOUG
	Steve, we are the Richard Grieco type
	guys.  We should be on that list.
	We're 'A' club people leading a
	'B' club life.


			STEVE
	We've been going to 'B' Clubs?
	Why didn't you ever tell me this?


			DOUG
	I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
	I know how sensitive you are.


			DOUG
	'Cause we settle.  'Cause we keep
	going to all those 'B' clubs ever
	night  They can smell 'B' club on us
	like barf in a bathroom.  From now
	on, the only club we go to is the
	Roxbury.


			STEVE
	But, how --


			DOUG
	But, nothing.


			STEVE
	We can't --


			DOUG
	We can.  And we will.  Because no
	matter how many lists and roped
	off areas the big bouncer in the
	sky throws in front of us, we will
	get through.  You know why?


			STEVE
	We're good-looking?


			DOUG
	Very good-looking.  You especially.
	Now, repeat after me.


			STEVE
	'After me.'  Sorry.  I'm just
	kidding.


			DOUG
		(completely serious)
	And it was hysterical.  I'm just not
	laughing to preserve the drama of the
	previous moment.


			STEVE
	Understood.  Continue.


			DOUG
	Repeat after me.  We can get in the
	Roxbury.


			STEVE
	We can get into the Roxbury.


			STEVE/DOUG
	Roxbury!  Roxbury!  Roxbury!


They leap up and down.  Two girls walk by.  They
immediately stop.


			DOUG/STEVE
	What's up?


								CUT TO:


INT. BUTABI LIVING ROOM - NIGHT


Mr. Butabi, Mrs. Butabi, Fred Anderson, MABEL ANDERSON,
Fred's middle America wife, and Emily are having coffee
in the living room.  Emily is obviously dressed up to
attract Steve.


			MR. BUTABI
		(mid-conversation)
	... And then, and I swear this is
	true, someone came into the store
	today and thought it was a real
	plant store.


			MABEL
	No?


			MR. BUTABI
	I would not kid about that.


Doug and Steve burst in, still in their black Gucci G-
strings, head up the stairs.


			MR. BUTABI
	Hello?


Doug and Steve turn.


			DOUG
	Hey.


			STEVE
	What's up?


			MR. BUTABI
	The Andersons here.  Get dressed
	and come join us.


			STEVE
	Okay.


			DOUG
	Steve!  Sorry, Dad, we're busy
	tonight.


			EMILY
	I like your bathing suit, Steve.


			STEVE
	Thanks Emily.


			DOUG
	Steve, again!


			STEVE
	I mean, whatever, Emily.


			DOUG
	Nice to see you, folks.


The guys rush upstairs.  Suddenly, we hear MUSIC pounding
from their room.


			MR. BUTABI
	Excuse me a minute.


Mr. Butabi goes upstairs.


INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NIGHT


The guys are picking out their clothes in the closet
Mr. Butabi enters and shuts off the MUSIC.


			MR. BUTABI
	If I tell you to do something, you
	do it.  And what is this business
	of coming in naked.  Put on your
	pants and come down.


			DOUG
	Ain't on our 'Things to do' list.
	Daddy-o.  Steve and I have
	something extremely important to
	do tonight.


			MR. BUTABI
	Yes, to come downstairs.


			DOUG
	Dad!


Doug goes in their bathroom and slams the door.


			MR. BUTABI
	Why can I not get through to him?


			STEVE
	Dad, Doug is like a fax machine.
	You just keep putting things in,
	face down, and you need to have a
	cover page, because if you don't
	-- people don't know where it's
	coming from and sometimes you
	don't get through on the first
	call.  That's why you got a redial
	button and a memory button
	because... you know... actually, I
	never use those buttons.  I always
	screw it up.  I don't know.


Doug opens the bathroom door.


			DOUG
		(to Steve)
	Don't try to explain it to him.
	He'll never understand.


			MR. BUTABI
	Oh, I understand.  You are going
	out tonight.


			DOUG
	That's right.


			MR. BUTABI
	I just don't understand what
	you're driving.


Mr. Butabi takes their keys off the dresser and grabs
their cell phones and starts to exit.


			DOUG/STEVE
	Hey!  Dad!  What are you doing!


Mr. Butabi exits.


INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER


Emily is standing, singing "Memories" from Cats.
Everyone is listening.


			EMILY
	'Memories, all alone in the
	moonlight...'


Fred nods "isn't she good" to Kamehl, who agrees.


Steve and Doug, dressed to kill, stomp down the stairs.
Doug turns to Mr. Butabi.


			DOUG
	You can take away our phones.  You
	can take away our keys.  But, you
	can't take away our dreams!


			STEVE
	That's right.  'Cause we're like
	sleeping when we have them.


			DOUG
	Later much.


The guys exit.  Steve pauses a moment.


			STEVE
	Emily, nice voice.


			DOUG (O.S.)
	Steve!


Steve exits.


							CUT TO:


EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - CONTINOUS ACTION


Mrs. Butabi runs after them, holding old brick-sized
cell phones.


			MRS. BUTABI
	Boys!  Boys!


The guys stop.


			MRS. BUTABI
	I don't like you going out without
	a phone.  What if something
	happens?


She hands them the cell phones.


			DOUG
	Ma, these are embarrassing.


			MRS. BUTABI
	Take it in case of emergency.


She kisses them and walks back in.


			DOUG
	Did Ma get lipstick on me?


			STEVE
	Yeah, but it looks like you were
	making out.


			DOUG
	Oh, good.


In b.g., Mom gets knocked over by Great Danes.  No one
notices.


							CUT TO:


EXT. SUNSET BLVD. - LATER


We see the van driving down the street.


INT. SILK GARDEN VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Doug Pulls down sun visor, checks his hair.  Tries rear-
view mirror -- still good.  Then leans across Steve,
who's driving, and looks in the driver's side
view mirror -- still good.


			DOUG
	Steve, how's my hair?


			STEVE
	Looks good.


			DOUG
	Roxbury good?


			STEVE
	You know it.  How do I look?


			DOUG
	Robust and attractive.  I gotta
	tell you -- tonight, I can taste
	it.


Steve doesn't respond and suddenly SLAMS the BRAKES.
Doug gets thrown forward.


			STEVE
		(completely losing
		 it)
	I can't taste it, Doug!  I can't!
	I'm so scared right now I don't
	know what to do!


			DOUG
		(calming him down)
	Bro, you're mad cowing on me.
	Relax.


			STEVE
	I'm nervous, man.  We've put all
	this pressure on ourselves to get
	into the Roxbury, and I don't know
	if we can deliver!


			DOUG
	You gotta take control of yourself.


			STEVE
	No, you gotta take control!  I am
	barely hanging on here!... You...


Steve starts crying.  Doug cradles him.


			DOUG
	Whoa... settle down... relax...
	think puppies and candy canes...
	easy...


Doug notices two girls walking by the van.


			DOUG
	What's up?


			STEVE
		(completely
		 recovered)
	How you doing, little lady?


From O.S., a beer BOTTLE flies INTO FRAME at them and
SMASHES on the van.


			DOUG
	Alright.  Maybe later then.


			STEVE
	Doug, I see your Roxbury balloon, and
	I hate to be the one to burst it.  I
	just don't think our names are on
	that list.


			DOUG
	Steve, get real.  The bouncer isn't
	checking a list.  He's checking us.
	Man, I can't believe all this time,
	that's what you thought.


			STEVE
	So, why didn't we ever get in before?


			DOUG
	We were kids.  We were completely
	immature.


			STEVE
	But that was last night.  And now we
	don't even have our car.


			DOUG
	Perfect.  Rites of passage.  Like
	that Africa show on P.B.S.  When it's
	time for a boy to become a man, they
	send him to the jungle with nothing
	but a spear to hunt the lion
	The van is our spear and the Roxbury is
	our lion.  And when the hunt is over,
	we shall be men.


			STEVE
	Does the bouncer know about this?


			DOUG
	Look, Steve, what really matters
	is that at the end of the night --
	when all is said and done and all
	hotties have been hit upon -- if
	either of us has just one girl's
	number, just one, then we'll know,
	for the first time in our lives,
	we're really worth something.


EXT. ROXBURY CLUB - NIGHT


The guys pull up -- get out.  Steve tosses Doug the keys.
Doug tosses the keys to the valet -- who ignores them.
Keys fall to the ground.  Doug runs over, picks up keys
-- hands them to the valet.  Walks back to Steve.


			DOUG
	Storm the castle.


			STEVE
	Take no prisoners.


Doug and Steve try to walk/bop up to the Bouncer.  They
wave to people who aren't there, trying to act cool, and
attempt to walk in.  Bouncer stops them.


			DOUG
	Hey, my good hombre, remember us
	from last night?


			BOUNCER
	No.


			STEVE
	Doug and Steve Butabi.


			BOUNCER
	You're brothers?


			DOUG/STEVE
	No... Yes!


			STEVE
	Works every time.


They laugh hysterically.


			BOUNCER
	Now, I remember.  You can't come in.


A flashy guy walks past them, in SLOW MOTION, slapping a
fifty dollar bill into the Bouncer's hand and entering.


			DOUG
		(aside to Steve)
	Okay, it's time to play a little
	softball.


			DOUG
	Hello, my good man.  How's it going
	tonight?


			BOUNCER
	Good.  You're still not getting in.


			 DOUG
	Well, that's not what a good
	friends of mine told me.  Maybe you
	know him?  His name is Abraham.


Doug drops a five dollar bill on the Bouncer's clipboard.
The Bouncer doesn't move.


			DOUG
	You don't know him?


			STEVE
	How 'bout his two friends?  George
	Washington and... George
	Washington?


Steve drops two one-dollar bills.  The Bouncer doesn't
move.


			DOUG
	Let's not forget the other boy in
	the band, Mr. Hamilton.  He's a
	little lonely, wants to join his
	buddies.


DOUG holds out a ten.  He waves it up and down, sideways,
drops it, but the Bouncer still doesn't respond.


			STEVE
	Wait up, look what we got here...


Steve reaches into his pocket, pulls out some change,
starts dropping coins.


			STEVE
	Mr. Jefferson, Jefferson,
	Lincoln...


			DOUG
	...Roosevelt, Roosevelt,
	Roosevelt, Roosevelt, and a
	commemorative coin -- '84
	Olympics -- what a proud chapter
	in Angelino history.


The Bouncer looks down and turns his clipboard over,
dropping all the money to the ground.  OFF guys'
reaction...


							CUT TO:


INT. SILK VAN - LATER


The van stops and starts as they look out the window.


			DOUG
	There's one!


Steve stops.  They look out.


			STEVE
	That's not an A.T.M.  That's where
	you drop off your videos.


			DOUG
	Wait, there's one!


Steve stops short.  They look out.


							CUT TO:


EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION


We see a yellow FERRARI BARREL into the back of the
flower van.


							CUT TO:


INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION


The guys are thrown forward.  All the plants are thrown
on top of them.


							CUT TO:


EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION


Richard Grieco is driving the other car, BLONDE MODEL
with him.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Oh, shit!  The car.


			BLONDE MODEL
	Car?  What about me?


			RICHARD GRIECO
	No, this car is illegal.  All I
	need is a police report.


			BLONDE
	What do you mean?


			RICHARD GRIECO
	It's a racing car.  I imported it
	illegally.


The guys slowly get out of their van, dazed, dragging
plants as they get out.


			STEVE
	You okay?


			DOUG
	Let me see...


Doug slowly bops his head, feeling if there's anything
loose.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Ah, great.  They're starting in
	with the neck injuries.  I'm
	screwed.


Both guys check if their heads still work.  Grieco comes
over.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Hey, sorry about your car.


			DOUG
	No way.  Richard Grieco!


			STEVE
	Remember, we saw you last night?


Grieco nods, unsure, but agreeable.


			DOUG
		(To Richard)
	Like Walt Disney says, my man,
	'It's a small world after it all.'


			RICHARD GRIECO
	So, are you guys alright?


			STEVE
	My neck hurts.


			RICHARD GRIECO
		(re:  cars)
	Right, so, what do you want to do?


			DOUG
	We were just going to the Roxbury
	again.


			STEVE
	But we couldn't get in.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Hey, you guys want me to get you
	in the Roxbury?


			DOUG/STEVE
	Yeah!


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Great.  Follow me.


Grieco goes back to his car.


			STEVE
	This is amazing.


			DOUG
	See?  It all comes from within.
	And he felt it.  Because he's an
	actor and he's very sensitive.


The guys get back in the van.


INT. VAN


			DOUG
	Put in 'D' and blast me.


Steve shoots Binaca spray into Doug's mouth and shifts.


GRIECO'S CAR (MOVING)


Grieco is driving.




			RICHARD GRIECO
	We got to make a stop at the Roxbury.


			BLONDE MODEL
	What about the party?


			RICHARD GRIECO
	I don't want a lawsuit, okay?


							CUT TO:


EXT. ROXBURY - LATER


Richard Grieco walks with the Blonde Model, Steve and
Doug trailing behind, walking past a huge line of club
goers.  Steve starts breathing heavy -- he's nervous.


			DOUG
	Steve, keep it together.  Think
	F-R-A. Focus, rhythm, attitude.


			STEVE
	Got it... Fra.


They all reach the entrance.


			BOUNCER
	Mr. Grieco.  Nice to see you.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	I got two.


			DOUG
		(to Bouncer)
	That's right.  We're with Richard
	Grieco.


			STEVE
		(to line of people)
	That's right.  Grieco!


							CUT TO:


INT. ROXBURT - CONTINOUS ACTION


Red velvet curtains.  Steve and Doug push through the
curtains and are stunned.


STEVE AND DOUG'S POV


Beautiful, sexy, expensively dressed people mill around.


BACK TO SCENE


			STEVE
	Oh my God, Doug, this is the most
	amazing place I've ever been.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Hey guys!  This is the coat room.
	The club's in here.


The guys follow Grieco.


INT. DANCE CLUB - CONTINOUS ACTION


The guys enter with Grieco.  MUSIC BLASTING. Long,
crowded bar, odd-shaped velvet couches, model types are
Velcroed to the walls, huge crowded dance floor.  This is
it.


			STEVE/DOUG
		(stunned)
	...Sweet.


The guys follow Grieco, greeting passing women.


			DOUG
	Whats' up?


			STEVE
	What's up?...
		(faster)
	What's up, what's up, whats' up,
	what's up, what's up...


			DOUG
	Steve!  Get a hold of yourself.


			STEVE
	Sorry, it's hottie overload in here.


			DOUG
	Pace yourself.


			STEVE
		(counting to himself)
	... What's up?... two, three...
	What's up?


MR. ZADIR, the club owner, 45, Armani suit, magnanimously
greets them, holding a drink -- he speaks with a foreign
accent.


			MR. ZADIR
	Richard, my man!  Good to see you.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Benny.  Place is kickin'.


			MR. ZADIR
	Actually, it's jumping.  Like '21
	Jump Street,' right?  Ha!
		(to Steve and Doug)
	My children watch the reruns on
	T.V. land.
		(to Grieco)
	Who are your friends?


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Oh, guys, this is Mr. Zadir.  He
	owns this place.  These are uh..


			DOUG
	Doug Butabi.


			STEVE
	Steve Butabi.


			MR. ZADIR
	Let me show you my V.I.P. table.


They follow Zadir through the crowd.  As they walk...


			DOUG
		(aside to Steve)
	Oh my God!  The owner.


			STEVE
	I know!


			DOUG
	He's the man who pulls the
	strings.  The Gepetto of party.


			STEVE
	Plus, he's the owner.


			DOUG
	Sh!  Listen and learn, my friend.


They arrive at a table overlooking the dance floor.


			MR. ZADIR
		(waving to someone O.S.)
	Yes!  I see you!  Excuse me, I
	have to say hello to Bob Saget.


Mr. Zadir exits.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	So, you guys come here a lot?


			DOUG
	Yeah, all the time.


			STEVE
	But, we're never been inside.


Grieco and his date look at each other.


			DOUG
		(aside)
	Steve, what are you saying, be
	cool.
		(to Grieco)
	So, is Johnny Depp meeting you
	here or what?


			RICHARD GRIECO
	No.  So you guys look like you
	really know how to party.


			DOUG
	Oh, yeah, we never stop.


			STEVE
	We're pretty much out of control.


Mr. Zadir returns, shouting behind him.


			MR. ZADIR
		(to Bob O.S.)
	I get it, Bob, the club is
	crowded, so it's a 'Full House'
	like your show.
		(to Richard)
	He's too much.


Grieco and his date start to get up.


			 RICHARD GRIECO
  Benny, we'll see you at the party.
  I'll see you guys.


			 DOUG/STEVE
  See ya.  Richard Grieco!


			 RICHARD GRIECO
		 (To Blonde)
	Their necks looked alright, right?


Grieco and Blonde exit.  A waiter puts a bottle of
champagne on the table and Zadir begins to pour glasses
-- he's obviously had a few.


		  DOUG
 Sir, I just want to say, and I mean
 this with the utmost sincerity, it is
 an honor to shoot the shit with the
 owner of the club of all clubs.


		  STEVE
 Yeah, and we're proficient club
 hoppers -- so we know what we're
 talking about.


		  MR. ZADIR
 Thank you.


		  DOUG
 I mean, we usually go this place
 called 'The Palace' and that place is
 rank.  The music is ancient.


		  STEVE
 Yeah, no celeb citings and the women
 are oinkers.


		  DOUG
 And they let any asswad in the
 door.  It's the worst.


		  MR. ZADIR
 I own that place also.


		  DOUG
 Yeah, but it's a really good
 location.


		  STEVE
 And the drinks are reasonably
 priced.


		  MR. ZADIR
 No, no.  You are right.  That's
 what's wrong with this club
 business.  One day you are hot
 next day you are not.  People get
 bored easily.


		  DOUG
 Well, you know I had this great
 idea.  You should make this place
 like a tropical jungle.


		  STEVE
 Yeah, lots of silk plants and
 vines.


		  DOUG
 Yeah, but they're not real vines.
 They're bungee cords and people
 could like swing from one end to
 the other so if you left your
 friends at the bar, you could get
 back to them.


Mr. Zadir is half listening to them as he drinks.


		  STEVE
 Yeah, and the barmaids could wear
 loincloths -- but tasteful.  Like
 the ones they wear in strip clubs.


		  MR. ZADIR
 You could not insure bungee cords.
 People jumping back and forth.
 Too expensive.


		  STEVE
 Okay.  Hit delete on that one.
 Doug, tell him about your street
 idea.


		  DOUG
 I was just thinking, you know how
 people get bummed waiting outside
 to get in the club.


Zadir nods, listening to this one.


		  STEVE
 This is good.  You're gonna love
 this.


		  DOUG
 Well, you make the outside of the
 club look like the inside.  You
 know, you put down a rug outside
 and some couches and pipe out some
 music.  People will love it.  But,
 then on the inside.


		  STEVE
 Oh, this is the good part.


		  DOUG
 ... Looks like the street.  You
 know, you park some cars inside, a
mailbox, street signs, and that
way when they come in, it's like
the outside is the inside and
inside is the outside.


	  STEVE
Doesn't that blow your mind?


	  MR. ZADIR
It hurts my brain to think about
it.


			 CUT TO:


CAMBI and VIVICA, predatory model types, scope out the
place.


	  CAMBI
What about that guy?


	  VIVICA
He owns a restaurant.


	  CAMBI
How many?


	  VIVICA
One.


	  CAMBI
Uch.  How'd he get in?


	  VIVICA
(annoyed)
... Look, I don't see anything
over six figures... So, let's just
go.


Vivica stabs out her cigarette, begins to pack up.


	  CAMBI
Wait a second.  That's that Zadir
guy.


Vivica looks up.


STEVE AND DOUG AND MR. ZADIR


laughing and drinking champagne.


CAMBI and VIVICA


	  CAMBI
Too bad he's married.  He owns all
the clubs in town.  Plus, dry
cleaners, that beeper service, and
Mailboxes, Etc...


	  VIVICA
Who are those guys with him?


Cambi reaches into her purse and pulls out Money
magazine's richest people issue.


	  CAMBI
I can't find them, but if they're
with Zadir, they've got to be
worth something.


	  VIVICA
Great.  Let's work.


TABLE


The guys are pitching Zadir another idea, GILBERT
GOTTFRIED comes over.


	  GILBERT GOTTFRIED
Oh my God!  Benny!  Benny!  Benny!
Benny!


	  MR. ZADIR
Gilbert Gottfried, who let you in?


	  GILBERT GOTTFRIED
You have to say hello to my friend
at the other table.  Not this
table.  No.  No.  The other one.
Looks like this table -- other
people around it.  I have a friends
and he needs you to say hello to
him at the other table.


	  MR. ZADIR
You have a friend?


	  GILBERT GOTTFRIED
Oh my God!  You got me!  I didn't
see it coming.  No.  It was coming
but I was not able to see it.


	  MR. ZADIR
I better go before he explodes.


Gilbert and Zadir walk away.


	  DOUG
(nervous)
Was I too pushy?  I was too pushy.
Did I speak well?


	  STEVE
You were totally articulate.


	  DOUG
Maybe he didn't like our ideas.
It's hard to pitch in a night
club.  You ever notice, the music
is blasting in here.  We should
try to get a meeting.


Steve starts looking off at something, mesmerized.


	  DOUG
So, Steve, what if we...


Doug sees what Steve is watching.  He also becomes
mesmerized.


CAMBI AND VIVICA


In SLOW MOTION, like two cars, the girls saunter across
the dance floor, toward Steve and Doug.


STEVE and DOUG


even more mesmerized.


CAMBI AND VIVICA


even closer.


STEVE AND DOUG


still staring at the girls.  The girls walk up to them.


		  STEVE
	(on automatic)
 Up what's?  You want to dance?


		  VIVICA
 Yes.


		  DOUG
 Steve, she said 'Yes.'


		  STEVE
 What?


		  DOUG
	(amazed)
 Hotties want to shake it, come on.


DANCE FLOOR


Steve and Doug surround the girls and frenetically
gyrate, pushing into them.  The girls escape and Steve
and Doug end up slam dancing against each other.


		  CAMBI
 Hey, guys!  Over here.


Cambi takes Doug's hand.  Vivica grabs Steve's hand.


"This is Your Night" by AMBER starts.  The following is a
perfectly choreographed dance to the music.


The girls dance seductively, dancing toward the boys.


Doug and Steve, unsure what's going on, look at each
other.


Simultaneously, the girls start to mimic the girls'
moves.


The boys do some hand jive, the girls match them	perfectly.


They begin a variety of dips, swings and techno style
dances.


They're incredible.  The crowd watches them...


Doug and Steve start doing some moves together.


An impressed JOHN TRAVOLTA comes over to them.


John adds his own movements and the guys follow suit.


John, Steve, Doug, and the girls do a synchronized
dance.


THE MUSIC STOPS.  Crowd cheers.


		  STEVE
	(to Travolta)
 Bro, you are incredible!


		  DOUG
 Seriously, unbelievable stuff out
 there.  So, you want to hang out?


		 JOHN TRAVOLTA
 No.


Travolta starts to exit.


		  STEVE
 Alright, catch you later then.


		 JOHN TRAVOLTA
 I don't think so.


				 CUT TO:


EXT. LAUREL CANYON  -- LATER


Mr. Zadir's black limo is driving.


INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Doug, Steve, Mr. Zadir, Vivica and Cambi are inside.
Zadir pops open a bottle of Dom Perignon and starts
pouring.


		  VIVICA
 Wow, 1980, good year!


		  DOUG
 Oh, '80 was an excellent year.
 Devo had a big hit that year.


		  STEVE
 Yeah, and 'Joanie loves Chachie'
 started that year.


		  DOUG
 That was just a cheap spinoff.


		  STEVE
 That was a spinoff?


		  DOUG
 Of course, those characters
 originated on 'Happy Days.'


		  STEVE
 I did not know that.


			CAMBI
	Sure, 'Joanie Loves Chachi.' But,
	does Chachi give a Fuck about Joanie?


			MR. ZADIR
	Cambi makes a good point.  But
	tonight we should have fun, not dwell
	on Scott Baio.


			STEVE
		(drinking)
	Sweet suds, Mr. Zadir.


			DOUG
	Dom Perignon's good but you know what
	really makes a party -- Redi Whip.


			STEVE
	But not like when you put it on
	stuff.  It's when you're half
	pressing on that little white nozzle
	and like before it comes out, you
	suck on it, and it's really fun.


			CAMBI
	You mean like nitrous oxide?
	Whippets?


			DOUG/STEVE
		(taken aback)
	... No!


			DOUG
		(dumbfounded)
	Tscha!  What is that?


Mr. Zadir lowers the panel between the driver and the
rear.


			MR. ZADIR
		(to driver)
	Dooey!  We must stop and get Redi
	Whip!


DOOEY, 35, black suit and tie, looks in a rearview mirror
.


			DOOEY
	Yes, sir.


Zadir raises the panel.


			STEVE
		(to Dooey)
	But it has to be Redi Whip in a can!


			MR. ZADIR
	Wait, he can't hear you.


Zaidir lowers the panel, nods to Steve.


			STEVE
	I was just saying it has to be
	Redi Whip in a can.



			DOOEY
		(annoyed)
	Right.


Zadir raises the panel.


			DOUG
	He really can't hear us?


			MR. ZADIR
	No.


			DOUG
	Dooey, tell your mother I had a
	really good time last night!


			STEVE
	And your father!


			DOUG
	What?


			STEVE
	I mean your sister!


			DOUG
	Good one.


The guys high five.  Cambi and Vivica exchange looks of
disbelief.  Dooey lowers the panel.


			DOOEY
	Mr. Zadir, I'm pulling over here
	to get whipped cream.


							CUT TO:


EXT. 7-11- CONTINOUS ACTION


Dooey pulls over and gets out.  Doug looks out the
window.


DOUG'S POV


He watches Dooey talking to the cash register person.


			DOUG
	I'll be right back.


Doug gets out.


							CUT TO:


INT. 7-11- CONTINOUS ACTION


Dooey hands the cash register person a credit card, who
swipes it.  Doug rushes in.


			DOUG
	I'll take care of it.


Doug grabs the phone.


			DOUG
	Operator 238, please... What's up?


							CUT TO:


INT. CREDIT CARD CENTER - CONTINOUS ACTION


It's the same Switchboard Operator he talked to at the
store.  The following conversation is INTERCUT...


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
		(resigned)
	Hello, Doug.


			DOUG
	Guess where we went tonight?


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	Let me see, the 7-11 on Ventura?


			DOUG
	No, I mean, before this, you sly
	little credit vixen.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	Doug!


			DOUG
	The Roxbury with Richard Grieco
	and Bob Saget.  You gotta come out
	sometime.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	I would.  But then there'd be no
	one to approve all the money you
	spend.


			DOUG
	You're always thinking of me.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	The card's good.  'Bye, Doug.


She hangs up.  Doug hands the phone back.


			DOUG
	She approved.


							CUT TO:


EXT. MANSION - LATER


Modern style house.  Lights dot a gravel driveway that
leads to the entrance.  The limo drives up.


			STEVE (V.O.)
	Sweet ass cottage, Mr. Zadir.


EXT. BACK YARD OF MANSION


THERE'S A PARTY IN FULL SWING.  Spice Girls are	performing.  A pool with a waterfall is the center of the party.  People are dancing, drinking, swimming, etc.


PATIO DOOR


opens.  Doug, Steve, Mr. Zadir and the girls enter.


			DOUG
	Mr. Zadir, I am very impressed.
	For a guy who owns sleazy night
	clubs, the decor in your house is quite
	tasteful.


			STEVE
	Good one.


The guys nod to each other, proud of their compliment.


			CAMBI
	Excuse us, we're going to the
	ladies' room.


The girls walk off.  Mr. Zadir notices something.


			MR. ZADIR
	Anna Nicole!  Put something on!
	You are making us sick!


Mr. Zadir walks away.


			DOUG
	Do you feel it, Steve?  We are
	finally experiencing the party
	lifestyle to the fullest degree.
	Let's mingle.


They walk over to a Fabio type MODEL GUY.


			DOUG
	How's it hanging?  You want to
	mingle?


			STEVE
	Cool party, huh?


			MODEL GUY
		 (who the hell are
		these guys)
	... I guess.


			DOUG
	Yeah, I'd say it's kicking into
	gear right about...


Steve and Doug pause a moment.  Model Guy looks at each
of them.


			STEVE
	... now.



			DOUG
	So, what do you do?


			MODEL GUY
	I'm a model.


			DOUG
	Oh, right.  So are we.


			STEVE
	It's a hard job.


			DOUG
	Yeah, you know, like you got to
	stand still all the time and uh...


			STEVE
		(racking his brain)
	... Standing still.  Standing
	still is really hard.  My foot
	cramps sometimes.


			MODEL GUY
	I know what you mean.  What agency
	you with?  Elite, Ford?


			STEVE
	Uh huh.


			DOUG
		(to Model)
	So, do you like mingling?


			MODEL GUY
	Excuse me.


The Model Guy walks away.


			STEVE
	Nice guy.


			DOUG
		(off at Model Guy)
	See you on the shoot!


As they start eating their pasta primavera again, a NAKED
WOMAN emerges from the pool and walks directly towards
them.  Steve and Doug forget how to chew and stand,
stunned.


			NAKED WOMAN
	Can you pass me a towel, please?


They talk directly to her breasts, trying to be
nonchalant, but answering questions she hasn't asked.


			STEVE
	Good.  How are you?


			DOUG
	... about eight o'clock, eight
	fifteen.


			NAKED WOMAN
	They're right behind you.  Can you
	just reach over?


			STEVE
	Thanks.  All the time.


			DOUG
	Sagittarius.


			STEVE
	BMW.


			DOUG
	Right off Sunset.


			STEVE
	Vanilla mostly.


She shoves by them and exits.  Mr. Zadir comes over.


			MR. ZADIR
	Look at this, I have the Spice
	Girls, yet nobody is dancing.


The guys snap out of it.


			DOUG
	With all due party-throwing
	respect, you know what the problem
	is, Mr. Zadir?  This pool is
	taking up all the prime dancing
	real estate.


			STEVE
	Yeah, you know, if there were a big
	piece of glass you could put over the
	pool, you could use it as a dance
	floor.  And it would be really sweet
	because people would feel like they
	were dancing on water.


			DOUG
	And you could put fish in the water
	and it would be like the ocean.


			STEVE
	Or, Doug, you know what would be
	another amazing idea?  You could have
	a special room for people who want to
	dance naked.


			DOUG
	Plus, then you could have a room next
	to that room with a one-way mirror so
	other people could watch them.


			MR. ZADIR
		(calming them down)
	Boys, boys, please let's not talk
	business.  We'll schedule a meeting
	for this.


Guys silently/joyously high five their meeting.  Cambi,
Vivica enter.


			CAMBI
	There you are.


			VIVICA
	We got scared.


			DOUG
		(protective)
	Of who?  We'll kick his ass.


			CAMBI
	No, we got scared someone stole
	you away from us.


Doug and Steve ponder the meaning of this statement for a
beat, having rarely heard a compliment.


			DOUG
		(realizes it's a
		 compliment)
	Oh...
		(to Steve)
	Like some other girls would steal
	us away.


			STEVE
	Oh, right... Oh!


			CAMBI
	Mr. Zadir, would you mind if we
	borrowed them for a while?


			MR. ZADIR
	Yes...


They all look at him.


			MR. ZADIR
	... No!
		(laughs)
	Got you!


			DOUG
	Good one, Mr. Zadir.


			STEVE
	He totally got me.


			DOUG
	Mr. Zadir, let me just say that
	you, sir, are a load and a half.


			MR. ZADIR
		(laughing)
	Thank you, Doug!


The guys and girls exit.
CUT TO:


INT. MASTER BEDROOM - LATER


The guys are entertaining the girls with their killer
impression of Hall & Oates.


			DOUG/STEVE
		(singing)
	... Oh, oh, here she comes...


The guys do a "here she comes" step.


			STEVE
	Watch out, boy, she'll chew you
	up.


Doug chews.


			STEVE
	Whoa, here she comes...


			DOUG/STEVE
	She's a maneater!


The girls look blankly at them.  The guys stop.


			DOUG
	Guess who that was?


			VIVICA
	I have no idea.


			DOUG
	Well, I was supposed to have a
	moustache.


			VIVICA
	Sonny and Cher?


			STEVE
	Okay, we'll give you another hint.


The guys get into their Hall and Oates positions.


			STEVE
		(singing)
	She's a rich girl.


			DOUG
		(singing)
	And she's going to go far 'cause
	she knows it doesn't matter
	anyway.


Cambi stands.


			CAMBI
		(shutting them up)
	Guys, guys!  I have an idea.  You
	want to have some fun?


			DOUG
	Sure, fun is our last name.


			STEVE
	Plus, fun spelled backwards is
	'nuf.'  And you can never have
	'nuf' fun.


			VIVICA
		(takes Steve by the hand)
	Great.  Let's go.


			STEVE
	Where we going?


			VIVICA
	They're staying in here.  And
	we're going in there.


Vivica pulls Steve into an adjoining guest bedroom.


			DOUG
		(as the door shuts)
	Steve!


			STEVE
	Doug!


INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINOUS ACTION


Vivica sits on the bed.  Steve awkwardly stands by the
door.


			VIVICA
	Nice room.


			STEVE
	Yeah, it's great.
		(yelling at door)
	Doug, you should check out this
	room!


			VIVICA
	I think he's busy.


			STEVE
	I'm just a big believer in
	sharing.


Vivica sensually lies back on the bed, staring at Steve.
Steve is uncomfortable, starts walking around.


			VIVICA
	Steve, why don't you come over
	here?


Vivica pats the bed a few times, inviting him over.
Steve watches.  Thinks.  Then goes over to the bed and
also pats it a few times, turning it into a drum solo.


			VIVICA
		(stopping him)
	Steve!


Steve stops, looks at her.


			STEVE
	Viv, you know what I heard when I
	first met you?


			VIVICA
	What?


Steve starts making a very loud inappropriate shrill
ambulance siren sound -- over and over.


			VIVICA
	What are you doing?


Steve stops.


			STEVE
	That's an ambulance.  Coming to
	take me away because the sight of
	you just stopped my heart.


Steve is very proud of his comment, and makes another
siren sound.


							CUT TO:


INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Doug is sitting next to Cambi, trying to think of
something to say.


			DOUG
		(trying to be suave)
	So, Cambi, can I ask you
	something?  Do you like
	blueberries or strawberries?


			MR. CAMBI
	Why?


			DOUG
	I want to know what type of
	pancakes to order you in the
	morning.


He looks proud of his line as we begin to hear Steve O.S.
-- from the next room -- making more SIREN SOUNDS, over
and over.


			DOUG
	You know, I was wondering...
		(snaps, annoyed at
		 siren sound)
	Steve!


			STEVE (O.S.)
		(stops siren sound)
	... Sorry!


			DOUG
	I was wondering...


Doug starts looking at Cambi's shirt label.


			CAMBI
	What are you doing?


			DOUG
	Checking your label.  Just as I
	thought.  Made in heaven.


			CAMBI
	Doug, you've gotten past the
	opening line.


			DOUG
	Hey, is that a mirror in your
	pocket?


			CAMBI
	What?


			DOUG
	'Cause I can see myself in your
	pants.


			CAMBI
	Hey, Doug, if I said you had a
	nice body, would you hold it
	against me?


			DOUG
		(confused)
	What?


							CUT TO:


INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Steve and Vivica sitting on the bed.


			STEVE
	And this guy on the phone turns
	around and he tips his hat like
	this.


Doug does a "tip your hat" motion.


			STEVE
	And who do you think the guy was?


Vivica is bored.


							CUT TO:


INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION.


Doug is telling Cambi the same story.


			DOUG
	And Steve was like 'Emilioooo!'


							CUT TO:


INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Steve is telling the story.


			STEVE
	... Emilioooo!


							CUT TO:


INT. MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Doug still telling story.


			DOUG
	Emilioooo!  And it was really him.


			CAMBI
	Is this your first time?


			DOUG
	What?  Oh my God.  That is
	hilarious.  That is so hilarious!
		(yelling at the door)
	Steve, did you hear that?
		(to Cambi)
	You don't even know how funny that
	is.  You are funny.  You don't
	even know how funny you are!  Man!


Cambi pounces on Doug with a kiss.


							CUT TO:


INT. GUEST BEDROOM - CONTINOUS ACTION


Vivica is inches away from Steve's mouth.


			STEVE
	Vivica, I've been thinking.  Our
	relationship is really going
	strong now.  We've had some great
	times together that I'll never
	forget.  Remember when I saw you
	at the pool?


			VIVICA
	Yeah?


			STEVE
	So, I was just remembering back.
		(sighs)
	You know, an open dialogue is an
	essential element to any
	successful long term relationship.
	I think we have something special
	going on here and I don't want to
	move too fast.


			VIVICA
	Is this your first time?


			STEVE
	Yes.  Isn't it yours?


Vivica smiles and pounces on Steve, knocking him OUT OF
FRAME.


							CUT TO:


INT. MANSION HALLWAY - LATER


The bedroom doors simultaneously open.  Doug and Steve
excited, run into the hallway.


			STEVE
	Doug, oh my god!


			DOUG
	Oh my God!  Did you just?  'Cause
	I just!


			STEVE
	This is unbelievable!


			DOUG
	This is historical!  This what
	it's all about!  Up Top!


They high-five.  Doug suddenly catches himself,  changes
back to cool attitude -- Steve follows.


			DOUG
	Not that it hasn't happened before.


			STEVE
	Of course not.


			DOUG
	I mean it was alright.


			STEVE
	The usual.


They stand there, posing cool, but awkward for a beat.


			STEVE
	I'm gonna go back in the --


			DOUG
	Me, too.  I'll see you later.


They run back in the bedrooms.


							CUT TO:


EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - DAWN


Mr. Zadir's limo pulls up.  Doug and Steve get out, shut
door.  Car drives off.  The guys stand in place, in
reverie.


			DOUG
	Hey, Steve?


			STEVE
	Yeah, Doug.


			DOUG
	That was great.


			STEVE
	I know.  Are we A club people now?


Doug looks at him -- then to answer, he pulls out a small
piece of paper, shows it to Steve.


			STEVE
	You got a number!  Wooo!


			DOUG/STEVE
	Woo!  We got a number!


They jump up and down, embracing, happy as hell.


							CUT TO:


INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NEXT DAY


Doug is working feverishly at his desk.  There are phone
books, rolodex, staplers, notepads in front of him.
Steve enters with a shopping bag.


			DOUG
	Where have you been?  We've got to
	get ready for our business meeting
	with Mr. Zadir?


			 STEVE
	 I got some great new supplies for
	 our business.


Steve starts pulling items out of the bag,  Doug doesn't
pay attention.


			STEVE
	'Post Its' to annotate important
	documents.  'Little Post Its'
	'cause you write smaller than me.
	'While you were out' pads -- for
	while you are out.  Scotch tape,
	in case the Post Its lose their
	adhesive-osity.  And mugs with our
	names on them.  Yours says,
	'Doug.'


Doug turns around.


			DOUG
	Okay, here's what we're gonna do.


			STEVE
		(interrupting)
	Did you call Mr. Zadir?


			DOUG
	Steve, before you talk to a man like
	Mr. Zadir, you have to have a fully
	developed plan of attack.  You have
	to have all your ducks in row.


			STEVE
	I didn't know to get ducks.


			DOUG
	That's an expression.


			STEVE
	So, we're going back to the dance
	club idea?


			DOUG
	Yeah.  Now you set up the office.
	I'm gonna call some real estate
	people to talk about locations.
	At that point, I'd like to
	schedule a meeting.  Can you do
	tweleve thirty.


Doug checks his Filofax.  Steve unwraps a new Filofax and
starts looking through it.


			STEVE
	I'm clear.


			DOUG
	Great.  Be prepared to discuss
	possible club names and themes.


			STEVE
	What about music?


			DOUG
	We'll have to schedule another
	meeting for that.  Hey, you know
	what?  Maybe we should have a pre-
	meeting to brainstorm before our
	scheduled meeting.


			STEVE
	Yeah.  That way we won't look like
	idiots at our meeting.


			DOUG
	Exactly.  Okay, I'm gonna roll a
	few calls.  We should order in.


			STEVE
	I can take care of that.
		(to door)
	Ma!


Doug pulls out the phone, starts dialing.  Steve starts
organizing the desk.


			DOUG
	Hey, Steve?


			STEVE
	Yeah?


			DOUG
	I was just thinking.  Dad would
	really be proud of us right now.


They both smile.  Mrs. Butabi enters.


			MRS. BUTABI
	Boys, your father's furious.  You
	were supposed to be at work an
	hour ago.


			DOUG
	Alright, we're gonna have to do
	some re-scheduling.


							CUT TO:


INT. SILK PLANT STORE -AFTERNOON


Doug, behind cash register, holding clipboard, on the
phone.


			DOUG
	Yes, hello, I'm interested in your
	sound systems.  I've heard good
	things about your woofers and
	tweeters.



Steve walks over.


			STEVE
	Doug, I...


			DOUG
	I'm on a call.


Steve nods, knowing what to do.  He pulls a Post-It,
writes something down and sticks it on Doug's clipboard.
A LADY walks up with a small plant.  Doug puts a	"Register Closed" sign on the counter.  The Lady leaves
and we FOLLOW her TO Mr. Butabi.


			LADY
	Mr. Butabi, where is the other
	cash register?


MR. BUTABI'S POV


Cash register.  There are several Post-Its stuck to the
counter.  Steve is filling out another one.


BACK TO SCENE


			MR. BUTABI
	I'll be with you in a second, Mrs.
	Manicotti.


Mr. Butabi goes over to the cash register.


			DOUG
	One second, Dad.


			MR. BUTABI
	It's good to see you're on a
	break.  I mean, after all, you've
	been here almost twenty minutes
	now and it's hard work listening
	to your walking man and ringing up
	the one customer you've had.


			DOUG
	Dad, I'm sensing a note of sarcasm.


			MR. BUTABI
	This is a very nice sign.  Except for
	one thing.
		(exploding)
	This is the only register!  This is
	why I pay you -- to push a button and
	take the money.  Is that too much?
	Is there some problem I don't know
	about?  Did you injure your button
	pushing finger in a bad cell phone
	accident?


			DOUG
	Dad, why don't you go to Rexall's
	Drug Store.  I think you need to
	purchase a bottle of chill pills.


			MR. BUTABI
	Just when I thought I had you doing
	the absolute minimum, you astound me
	with how much less you can do.


			DOUG
	For your information, Dad, we are
	working our asses off.


			STEVE
	Yeah, our week's filling up pretty
	quick.


			DOUG
	Dad, last night, Steve and I
	happen to have made a very
	important business contact.


			MR. BUTABI
	Oh, what are you dancing the
	Macarena with Donald Trump?


			STEVE
	Did you want me to go the drug
	store to get those pills?


			DOUG
	I think we should tell him now.
		(excited)
	Dad, you're gonna love this.  We're
	working on this club idea which could
	include many silk plant opportunities
	and guess who we thought could be our
	supplier?


			MR. BUTABI
	Yes, I need you to give me
	opportunities.  I feed you, I clothe
	you, I put a roof over your head and
	I pay for your little phones so you
	can call other idiots.  I give up on
	you two.  I am ashamed to call you my
	sons.


			DOUG
	There you go again, Dad.  You always
	tell us to do something with our
	lives and when we finally do, what
	happens?  You got to put us down.
	You never support us, you never
	encourage us, and you never care
	about what's important to us.  Right,
	Steve?


			STEVE
	Do you need a prescription for those
	pills?


			MR. BUTABI
	It's my own fault.  I spoil you.
	From now on, you are no longer
	allowed to go out to clubs at
	night.


			DOUG/STEVE
	What?


			MR. BUTABI
	Now enough wasting time.  Go clean
	up the stock room.


			DOUG
	You know what, Poppason, not only
	will Steve and I not clean the
	stock room, but we are officially
	out of here!
		(to Steve)
	Come on.


Doug starts walking out.


			STEVE
	But what about the stock room?


			DOUG
	We quit!
		(turns back to Dad)
	And we don't need you!  We made
	big contacts last night!


			STEVE
	Yeah, plus we met these girls,
	Dad, and you wouldn't believe what
	happened.


			DOUG
		(to Dad)
	We're gonna make it without you.
	You'll see.


Doug exits, Steve follows him.


			MR. BUTABI
	Yes, I'll see tonight when you get
	hungry and you come home to eat my
	food.  And when you come crawling
	to me for more money!


							CUT TO:


EXT. SILK PLANT STORE - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Doug and Steve barrel out the front door and head
straight for the van.  Emily, in a sexy sun dress,
carrying two big huge oversized lightbulbs where her
breasts would be, steps in front of them.


			EMILY
	Hey, Steve!  Do you want to go to
	the beach later?  I've got my
	bathing suit on under this.


			DOUG
		(to Emily)
	Not now!


Doug blows by Emily.  Beat.  He steps back INTO FRAME --
takes a second look at the odd bulb positions -- and
exits again.  The guys start getting into the van.


			EMILY
	I'm not talking to you, Doug.
	You're an ass.


			STEVE
	Emily, we're experiencing a major
	family crisis.  I'm gonna have to
	take a rain check on this convo.


			DOUG
	Steve!  Car!


			STEVE
		(as he gets into
		 the car)
	Nice bulbs, Emily.


Steve gets in.  They PEEL OUT.


			EMILY
		(yells after them)
	So, you want to go out tonight?


							CUT TO:


INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION


The guys speed along on their way to Butabi.  Doug is
looking over a sheet of paper.


			DOUG
	Okay, these are the ideas we'll
	pitch him.  The Jungle Paradise.


			STEVE
	Killer.


			DOUG
	The Inside Out Club.


			STEVE
	Money.


			DOUG
	The Civil War.


			STEVE
	That one needs work.


			DOUG
	Yeah.  We'll hold off on that one.
	And let's not forget our ace in
	the hole -- The Naked Room.


			STEVE
	I think we should call it 'The
	Nudist Colony.'


			DOUG
  That sounds like a strip club.
  And this is a dance club.


			STEVE
	You're right.  We'll go with 'The
	Naked Room.'


							CUT TO:


EXT. ZADIR'S MANSION


The silk van drives up.  Steve and Doug get out and walk
up to the locked gate.


			DOUG
	Zadir's gonna be excited to see
	us.  This is it, bro...


Doug presses the intercom.  They wait.


			STEVE
	This is it.


Doug presses the intercom buzzer again.  No response.  As
they wait, Steve starts to sing to himself.


			STEVE
		(very softly)
	'This is it, make your mistakes
	where you are.  This is it...'


We realize Steve is singing "This Is It" by Kenny
Loggins.  Doug slowly joins in as they pass the time.


			STEVE/DOUG
	'... We're going no further.'


The both step singing as Doug hits the buzzer again.
After a beat of waiting, Steve picks up the song where
they left off...


			STEVE
		(soloing much louder)
	'Here!  The moment is now, no
	place for goodbyes...'


INTERCOM


Male voice starts singing the next lyric.


			INTERCOM (V.O.)
	'And now I'm not so sure... doo
	doo... deep in my heart...'


			DOUG/STEVE/INTERCOM (V.O.)
	This is it!


BACK TO SCENE


They stop singing.


			INTERCOM (V.O.)
	You guys know 'Footloose'?


			DOUG
		(running to
		 intercom)
	Actually, we're here to see Mr.
	Zadir.  It's Steve and Doug Butabi.


			STEVE
		(softly to himself)
	'... pick up your Sunday shoes...'


			INTERCOM (V.O.)
	Mr. Zadir's not here.


			STEVE
	We were supposed to have a meeting
	with him about our ideas.  Like
	there's one where the inside is
	outside and there's one about a
	jungle and...


			DOUG
		(shutting him up,
		 covering the
		 intercom)
	Steve!  Never talk concepts with
	the intercom.
		 (to intercom)
	Can we come inside and wait for
	him?


			INTERCOM (V.O.)
	No.


			DOUG
	Can we leave him a message?


			INTERCOM (V.O.)
	No.


			STEVE
		(to Doug)
	Let's just forget it.


			DOUG
	Stay strong, sailor.
		(to intercom)
	Do you know where we can find him?


			 INTERCOM (V.O.)
	He's at the office in Wilshire.


They jump in the car and drive off.


INTERCOM


			 INTERCOM (V.O.)
		(singing 'Footloose')
	... 'Everybody cut, everybody
	cut... doo doo.'


							CUT TO:


EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - LATER


We see a large engraved marble "Zadir Industries" sign
above the entrance.


							CUT TO:


INT. ELEVATOR - LATER


We see each elevator button is the name of Zadir's many
businesses (Zadir Dry Cleaners, Zadir Beepers, Zadir
Gaming & Entertainment, Zadir Real Estate, Executive
Suite).


DOUG AND STEVE


listen to a MUZAK VERSION of "WHAT IS LOVE" by Haddaway.
Their heads begin to bop very slowly.  A hot-looking
businesswoman gets on.  They guys smile politely and wait
patiently.  We hear a DING.  The businesswoman gets off.


			DOUG
	Hey, Steve, did you notice we
	forgot to ask her something?


			STEVE
	You mean, 'What's up?'


			DOUG
	Yeah.  That's weird.


			STEVE
	Actually, it's not.  We're both
	involved in serious relationships
	now, and our ladies know they can
	trust us.  'Trust' being the key
	element in any worthwhile
	commitment.


			DOUG
	Why go out for burgers when we've
	got steak at home?


			STEVE
	You're right.  We should get lunch
	after this.


INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICES - RECEPTION - CONTINOUS ACTION


Elevator doors open.  Doug and Steve exit onto a very
modern white glass floor.


RECEPTION AREA


Doug and Steve walk over to a RECEPTIONIST.


			DOUG
	Doug and Steve Butabi for Mr.
	Zadir.


			RECEPTIONIST
	You're brothers?


Doug and Steve give each other a look.  They're tempted
to tell their "brother joke."


			DOUG
	Ma'am, thanks for the setup, but
	we really can't get into that
	right now.


Steve looks down the hall of offices to his left.


STEVE'S POV


At the end of the hall, Mr. Zadir and Dooey quickly walk
by.


BACK TO SCENE


			STEVE
	Doug, Mr. Zadir!


The guys run down the hall.


			RECEPTIONIST
	Hey, you can't...!


HALLWAY


The guys run past office files, they pass a Fed Ex woman.
Steve stops in his tracks.


			STEVE
	Look, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
	but I'm in a serious relationship
	right now.


Steve immediately jumps back into full stride.


END OF HALLWAY


The guys turn a corner.


CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR


As Dooey closes the door, we see Mr. Zadir at the head of
a board meeting.  Zadir does not see them.  Dooey turns
around.


			DOUG/STEVE
	Dooey!  My very main man.  Up top!


The guys raise their hands to high five.


							CUT TO:


INT. RECEPTION AREA - LATER


Dooey forcefully drags the guys by their shirts, through
the door and towards the elevators.


			STEVE
		(sincere)
	So, Dooey, how's everything goin'?


			DOUG
	Ragin' party last night.


			DOOEY
	Yeah, is that what my mother said
	to you...
		 (indicating he heard
		them in the limo)
	... or was it my father?


Dooey drops the guys next to the elevator, presses the
down button, begins to walk away.


			DOUG
	So, Zadir wants to have this
	meeting by the elevators?


Dooey stops and slowly turns around.


			DOOEY
	Those Redi Whip cans were a big hit
	last night.  I was out till four in
	the morning trying to find more.


			STEVE
		(impressed)
	From dusk 'til dawn -- you, sir, are
	a party animal.


			DOOEY
		(threatening)
	Don't go near Mr. Zadir.  He was
	drunk last night and he doesn't even
	remember you.  You think you're the
	first losers he's picked up that I've
	had to get rid of come Monday?


			DOUG
	Uh... Doo-man, I don't know if I'm
	reading my diss-meter correctly.
	Because are we being blown off.


			DOOEY
	Just stay away if you know what's
	good for you.


Dooey walks away.  The guys are in shock for a beat.
Suddenly, Doug bolts full speed past Dooey and back into
the office.  Dooey follows.


							CUT TO:


INT. CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR


Doug runs up to the shut door and starts banging.  No
response.  He notices, to the left, a glass window
looking into the conference room.


DOUG'S POV


Zadir looks up -- we can't tell if he sees Doug or not.


BACK TO SCENE


Suddenly, two burly security guys pull Doug away.


							CUT TO:


EXT. ZADIR'S OFFICE BUILDING - LATER


The security guys physically push the guys out the
building.


			STEVE
		(to security)
	Alright, so we'll see you guys later.


The security guys, unfazed, walk back in.


							CUT TO:


INT. VAN - LATER


The guys get in and sit there, depressed.  After a
beat...


			STEVE
	What do you want to do?


			DOUG
	I can't talk to you right now.
	Give me a second.


			STEVE
	Maybe we should just go back to
	work.


			DOUG
	Yeah, and maybe we should just go
	to college and not put gel in our
	hair and starts wearing blue jeans.
	Let's do that, Steve!


			STEVE
	... Sorry.


Steve suddenly gets an idea and reaches into the glove
compartment.  He pulls out the piece of paper with
Cambi's number on it -- we see he's put it in a small
lucite frame.


			STEVE
		 (trying to cheer
		 Doug up)
	Cambi's number.


Doug looks up at the number, starts to come out of his
funk.


			STEVE
	We had a sweet time last night,
	didn't we?


			 DOUG
	Sweet ass time.


			STEVE
	Diabetic.  I could see doing that
	again, maybe even a couple a times
	a week, right?


			DOUG
	The ladies await, my friend.  Cell!


Steve slaps a cellular phone into Doug's hand.  Steve
looks down, shifts again, they pull out.


							CUT TO:


INT. MONDRIAN SKYBAR - LATER


Cambi and Vivica are standing by the bar, talking to
AKIRO and TORONAGA, two middle-aged Japanese businessmen
.


			VIVICA
	Yeah, I think it's great how you
	get to travel around the world.


			 AKIRO
		(in Japanese)
	These hotties are sweet.


			TORONAGA
		(in Japanese)
	Sweet ass.


We hear a PAGER GO OFF in Cambi's bag.  She checks the
beeper.


			VIVICA
	Who is it?


			CAMBI
	I don't know.  It's just a bunch
	of pound signs.


							CUT TO:


INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Doug is repeatedly pressing the phone pad over and over.


			STEVE
	I'm not sure you're doing it
	right.


			DOUG
		(frustrated)
	Steve, you have to hit the pound
	sign or it doesn't go through.
		(sighs)
	Maybe their phones aren't working.


			STEVE
	Try putting in our number and then
	hitting pound.


			DOUG
	Excuse me, Mr. Bill Nye the
	Science Guy.


Doug starts putting in their number...


INTERCUT WITH:


INT. MONDRIAN SKYBAR - CONTINOUS ACTION


Cambi is talking on a cellular phone near the table, as
Vivica entertains the Japanese businessmen.


			CAMBI
	Hello?


			DOUG
	Cambi.  It's your boyfriend.  I
	need to see you.


			CAMBI
		(not knowing who it
		 is)
	Uh... well, I'm at the Skybar.


			DOUG
	Be right there... sweetheart.


Steve gives Doug a thumbs up.


							CUT TO:


EXT. VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION


The van pulls up and the guys get out and head in.


			DOUG
 How's my hair?


		  STEVE
 Good.


		  DOUG
 Long-term relationship good?


		  STEVE
 It's totally committed.  You know,
 Doug, when things aren't going so
 well, it really makes you realize
 how much your woman means to you.


				 CUT TO:


INT. SKYBAR - DAY


Steve and Doug enter and are hit with the unwelcome sight
of their girls flirting with the businessmen.  They strut
over, ready to fight.


		  DOUG
 These guys bothering you?


		  CAMBI
 Hi, Doug.


		  DOUG
	(to businessmen)
 You guys messing with our women.


		  JAPANESE GUYS
	(in Japanese)
 What's up?


		  DOUG
 You want to mix it up?  Come on!
 Take me on.  I'm insane.  You
 don't know what you're dealing with.


The businessmen look at them strangely.


		  STEVE
 Vivica, I'm feeling a little
 vulnerable here.  I thought we had
 an understanding.  And I can't
 believe you're willing to just
 throw away everything we've been
 to each other?


		  VIVICA
 Doug, Steve, this is Akiro and
 Toronaga... they're my cousins.


Steve is relieved, Doug is mistrustful.


		  STEVE
	(holding out hand to
	 shake)
 Oh!  Well, it's about time that we
 met the family.


		  DOUG
	 (pulling to Steve's
	hand back)
 Come on!  What do you think, we're
 stupid?  How can they be your
 cousins?


		  VIVICA
	 (like talking to a
	child)
 Well, his mother and my mother are
 sisters and that makes us cousins.


		  DOUG
 ... Oh.  Okay.


		  CAMBI
	 (to Akiro and
	 Toronaga)
 Would you excuse us a second?


		  DOUG
 Yeah, we just got to talk to them
 a second.


		  STEVE
 Yeah, 'cause we slept with them
 last night so...


`
				 CUT TO:


EXT. MONDRIAN - SIDEWALK - DAY


Cambi and Vivica, Steve, Doug assemble near the Silk van.


		  CAMBI
 So, did you guys have as good a
 time last night as we did?


		  STEVE
 I had a great time, Vivica.  In
 fact, I think we've reached the
 point where I can comfortably call
 you 'Viv' and leave out the 'Ica.'


		  DOUG
 So, you guys want to hang out or
 see a movie or do what we did last
 night... or eat or... just do what
 we did last night or hang out, eat
 and then do what we did last night
 or... you know, whatever... and do
 what we did last night.


		  VIVICA
 Sounds good.


Cambi gives Doug a kiss.  He melts, then quickly tries to
act cool.  Vivica affectionately holds Steve's arm.


		  STEVE
 Viv, I'm glad our relationship is
 strong enough to withstand the
 hard times -- like when were
 just in the bar -- I also think
 we're not just projecting onto one
 another but dealing with the
 reality of who we are.  And most
 important, we know how to listen.


		  VIVICA
 What?


		  CAMBI
 Hey, you boys want to go somewhere
 quiet?


The girls look at them seductively.


		  DOUG
 No...


		  DOUG/STEVE
 Yes!


		  STEVE
	(in reference to
	 joke)
 It's gold.  I'm telling you.


The guys high five and laugh -- they walk to the van.
Doug opens the passenger door.


		  DOUG
 Ladies, have your boarding passes
 ready.


Cambi and Vivica just stand there.


		  CAMBI
 What are you doing?


		  STEVE
 Aisle or window seat?  I'm sorry,
 ma'am, you're gonna have to check
 that bag... The movie on this
 flight will be uh... I don't know.
 I can't think of any more.


		  VIVICA
 Where's your car?


		  DOUG
 Our dad got mad and took it away.


		  CAMBI
 Your dad?


		  STEVE
 Yeah, we used to work for him, but
 we quit today so actually we're
 unemployed.


		  VIVICA
 You're not in business with Mr.
 Zadir?


		  DOUG
 Yes, we are.  But, not now.  We
 just met him last night.  But, we
 will be.  So, no, but, yes.


		  STEVE
 Especially, if we ever get to see
 him again.


The girls digest this for a beat.  Cambi signals to
Vivica and they both start walking back to the bar.  The
guys, confused, run up to them.


		  STEVE
 Hey, we were just kidding about
 those boarding passes.  You can
 get in.


		  CAMBI
 Get away from us.


		  DOUG
 What's going on?


		  CAMBI
 You guys are a big waste of time.


		  DOUG
 ... Como what?


		  VIVICA
 Steve, you're a jerkoff.


		  STEVE
 Well, I'm glad you shared that
 with me.  That's a big step for
 the both of us.


		  CAMBI
 Guys, consider what we did with
 you last night a favor.  Now do us
 a favor and never talk to us
 again!


		  DOUG
 What did we do wrong?  We'll
 change.


		  VIVICA
 No, you can't change.  You and
 your brother are ugly pathetic
 losers.
	(to Cambi)
 That's the problem with
 nightclubs.  Poor schmucks look
	just the same as rich schmucks.


The girls walk back to the bar.  The guys watch them go.


			CAMBI
		(as they walk)
	I can't believe we actually had
	sex with those asswads.  I hope
	the nips are still at the bar.


The girls disappear into the bar.  The guys stand in
shock, trying to absorb the ultimate rejection.


							CUT TO:


EXT. FREEWAY - LATER


Slow-moving congestion.  We see the Silk van driving in
the middle of it.


							CUT TO:


INT. SILK VAN - CONTINOUS ACTION


Doug and Steve sit in silence for a while.


			STEVE
		(trying to cheer
		 him up)
	Hey, Doug, I think some of the
	plants are beginning to wilt...
	no, I'm just kidding.  They're
	made out of silk.


Doug doesn't respond.


			STEVE
		(singing quietly)
	... 'This is it.'


			DOUG
		(cutting him off)
	Steve!  This is the worst day of
	my life.  So, if you don't mind, I
	really don't want to hear you talk
	right now.


			STEVE
	Well, it hasn't been the Super Bowl
	for me either...
		(mumbling)
	... just trying to get you to talk.


			DOUG
		(blowing up)
	Talk?!  You want me to talk, Steve?!
	I'll talk.  Blah-blah-blah, talk,
	talk, talk!  I'm talking!  You feel
	better now?!  Talk!


			STEVE
	I don't really know how to respond to
	that.


			DOUG
		(ripping into him)
	Oh, big surprise, Steve.  You don't
	know how to do something.  You don't
	know how to work the clubs, you don't
	know how to talk to women.  The only
	thing you know how to do is ask me
	how to do everything!


			STEVE
	But, I --


			DOUG
	That's why everthing's gone
	wrong... 'cause you're holding me
	back.



			DOUG (CONT'D)
	You're so needy all the time.
	You're like this thing tied to my
	leg, like this... dragging
	thing...


			STEVE
	A lead weight?


			DOUG
	Yes, a lead weight.
		(sincere)
	Thanks.
		(back to angry)
	And I am not letting you drag me
	down anymore.


			STEVE
	... You know, can't blame me for
	what happened.  Today was a series
	of random events gone awry.


			DOUG
	Maybe events wouldn't go awry if I
	had someone with a brain sitting
	next to me.


			STEVE
	Oh, yeah.  Well, maybe I'd have
	better events if I was with
	someone with a higher level of
	looks and taller.


Doug, in shock, starts to hyperventilate from anger.


			DOUG
		(breathing heavily)
	I'm tall enough to kick your ass.


			STEVE
		(cupping his ear)
	Did you say something?  It's hard
	to hear things that low down to
	the ground.


			DOUG
	Well hear this.  Consider me your
	ex-brother.


			STEVE
	I don't care.


			DOUG
	You care about this?


Doug fakes throwing a punch -- Steve flinches.  Steve
fake punches -- Doug flinches.


			DOUG
	You want the real thing?!


			STEVE
	No.


			DOUG
	Then stop talking to me.


			STEVE
	My pleasure.


They continue along in silence, both looking miserable.



							CUT TO:


EXT. BUTABI HOUSE - NEXT MORNING


We see the Silk van parked in front of the house.


							CUT TO:


INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS ACTION


Steve lies on his bed looking out the window.  Doug's
bed is empty.


STEVE'S POV


We see Doug carrying all his clothes into the Butabi
guest cottage.


STEVE


is sad.  Gets up, walks to Doug's desk and throws all the
Post-its and business supplies in the trash.


							CUT TO:


INT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - CONTINOUS ACTION


A simple studio.  Doug dumps his belongings on the bed --
bottles of hair gel, colognes, aftershaves, etc.  He
picks up Cambi's framed number, yanks it out of the frame
and rips it to shreds.  Then he sits back on the bed,
picks up remote and turns the TELEVISION ON.


TELEVISION SCREEN


Oddly enough, it's a rerun of "21 Jump Street" featuring
Richard Greico.


BACK TO SCENE


			DOUG
	Lies!  All lies!


Doug shuts it OFF.


							CUT TO:


INT. SILK PLANT STORE - DAY


A depressed Steve is emotionally selling a plant to a
female customer.


			STEVE
		(sadly)
	That's right, ma'am.  It's silk.
	It'll always be in bloom.  It'll
	never change.  It'll never die.
	It'll never yell at you and call
	you a 'loser.'  It'll always be in
	your room where you left it, not
	suddenly move out into the guest
	house.


The customer is crying.  Mr. Butabi walks over, pulls
Steve aside.


			MR. BUTABI
	What are you doing?  All the
	customers are depressed.


			STEVE
		(looking over at
		 empty register)
	I'm just used to seeing Doug at
	the register.  I miss him.


			MR. BUTABI
	But he's only in the guest house.
	It's ten feet away.  It's like a
	mansion in there.


			STEVE
	There's no cable.


			MR. BUTABI
	There is Cinemax.


			STEVE
		(crying)
	But, there's no H.B.O.


Steve walks off, upset.


							CUT TO:


INT. CRUNCH GYM - DAY


Emily, in skin-tight shiny body suit, is exercising on
the Peck Deck portion of a Nautilus machine -- filled
with people.  She finishes her last repetitions.


			EMILY
	Nine... ten.


She stops.  Then looks in a little workout book entitled
Diet to Get Steve.


			EMILY
	Okay.  One more set.  Add ten
	pounds.


She bends down and pulls the metal pin out of the
weights.  The person next to her, using the lat bar, goes
flying up.


			EMILY
	Whoops.  Sorry.  Wrong pin.


EMILY'S POV


Steve is doing sit-ups on a slant board.  Craig spots
him.


CRAIG AND STEVE


Steve is straining, in mid-crunch.  Craig is eating a
Power Bar.


			CRAIG
	Not the neck -- the stomach.  Not
	the thighs -- the stomach.  Not
	the shoulders - the... Oh my God!


			STEVE
	What?


			CRAIG
	Ab citing!  Six pack in full
	effect.


			STEVE
	Where!


Steve rushes to mirror, holds up his shirt.  Craig
points.


			CRAIG
	There she cuts.


Emily enters.


			EMILY
	Hi, Steve.  Is that an ab?


			CRAIG
		(noticing Emily's
		 body)
	Toned and tight, Emily.  Want to
	power up?


He offers her a bite of his bar.  She ignores him.  Craig
stands there chewing a Power Bar and drinking an "Ultra
Fuel" while they talk.


			EMILY
	I heard about your brother.


			STEVE
		(avoiding eye contact)
	What'd you hear about him?


			EMILY
	Your father said you and him quit,
	then you had a fight, then you
	came crawling back to work like he
	said you would and how your
	brother didn't.


			STEVE
	So?


			EMILY
	So, when are we going out?


			CRAIG
	I know a place with good spinach
	wraps?


			STEVE
	Look, Emily, I know you've had
	your heart set on this a long
	time, but, the truth is we're from
	two different worlds.  I mean, I'm
	a rebel... and you're kind of the
	sweet girl next door type.


			EMILY
	Steve, I work next door.  It's not
	a type, it's a location.


			STEVE
	You know what I mean.  I don't
	know if you can handle a guy like
	me.  I'm used to more, like
	experienced women.


			EMILY
	Duh.  You're forgetting -- I got to
	college.  Translation -- drunken
	orgies with occasional Cliff
	Notes.


			CRAIG
	I know Cliff.  Weak delts.


			EMILY
	And I'm not one of those date rape
	crybabies.


			STEVE
	Look, it sounds good, but I'm
	getting over a very serious
	relationship right now.  It's
	gonna take some time to nurse
	my emotional wounds.  And that
	could take, like, until Saturday.


			EMILY
	Perfect, your dad bought us two
	tickets to David Copperfield, this
	Saturday.


			STEVE
	I'll let you know how I'm feeling.


			EMILY
	It'll be fun to see things appear,
	and then disappear.


Emily grabs his face and shoves her tongue down his
throat for a beat and pulls back.


			EMILY
	See ya.


			CRAIG
		(watching Emily leave)
	Tight glutes.
		(sincere)
	Steve, as a trainer.  I'm pretty
	perceptive about picking up body
	language... I think she likes you.


							CUT TO:


EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - NIGHT (ONE WEEK LATER)


The cottage is dark.


SUBTITLE:  ONE WEEK LATER


Doug is unshaven, unkempt.  Disinterestedly flipping
channels.  He throws the remote away.


			 DOUG
	... Fine!  I won't watch Larry
	Sanders!


Gets up and exits.  We hear the VAN PEEL OUT.


Seperation MONTAGE BEGINS:


							CUT TO:


MONTAGE


A)	INT. DAVID COPPERFIELD SHOW - NIGHT


David Copperfield is on stage doing a pseudo-sexy
trick.  In the audience, Steve tries to subtly work
his arm behind Emily.  She notices, grabs his hand,
and plants it on her breast.


							CUT TO:


B)  INT. DISCO - NIGHT


Doug is drunk, trying to dance with a girl.  She
pushes him away into another girl who shoves him into
a biker guy -- who tries to dance with him.


							CUT TO:


C)  EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE -NIGHT


The dogs are dragging a dead deer across the
driveway.  Suddenly, the Silk van pulls in too fast,
runs over some plants and smashes over a chaise
lounge chair.  The van stops and Doug, literally,
falls out of the van and onto the ground.  He lies
there.


							CUT TO:


D)  INT. SILK STORE DAY


Mr. Butabi is helping Steve put on store manager
jacket.  Mr. Anderson, Emily, congratulate him.


							CUT TO:


E)  INT. GUEST COTTAGE - DAY


A very dissapointed Doug is sucking on a Redi Whip can.
He looks out the window.


F)  DOUG'S POV


The pool:  He can see Emily and Steve going at it on
air mattress.


G)  BACK TO SCENE


Doug sprays the window with whipped cream to block
the view.


END OF MONTAGE


							CUT TO:


INT. DOUG AND STEVE'S ROOM - NIGHT


Steve and Emily are in bed -- pre-sex.  Steve is in a
pajama top.  Emily is in a black nightie and flipping
through a USC School of Business course guide.  Steve
kisses her neck, Emily keeps reading.  Steve reaches over
and puts his hand on her breast.  Emily keeps reading.
He pulls his hand back.


			EMILY
	Here's one -- 'Business Computer
	Systems.'


			STEVE
		(disinterested)
	I'm not real good with machines.
	That was Doug's thing.  I'm more
	of a people person.


			EMILY
	Steve, a businessman has to have a
	knowledge of computers.  Ooo!  --
	'Venture Management and Analysis.'
	you have to take that.


			STEVE
	You know, my dad's giving me the
	store anyway.  I don't really have
	to go back to school.


			EMILY
	One store?  Yah... and maybe
	we'll just have like one house and
	one car.  Steve, we're gonna have
	more than one store.  And you have
	to be prepared.


			STEVE
	I don't really want to go back to
	school.  I'll have to read.


			STEVE (CONT'D)
	And homework and teachers always
	asking you if you'd like to share
	that with the rest of the class.


			EMILY
	Don't upset me.  Unless you want
	to make me less horny.


			STEVE
	No, that wouldn't be good.


			EMILY
		(kissing him)
	Look, first, we combine the
	stores, plants and lamps, then we
	can add furniture, you know
	recliners...


Emily climbs on top of him, and rubs herself against him.


			EMILY
	... sofas and tables and...
	and...


She moans.


			STEVE
	... chairs?


			EMILY
	Oh, yes!  Chairs and wastepaper
	baskets and... and...


			STEVE
	Ah!... Ottomans!


Emily rips Steve's pajama top off, as she rides him.


			EMILY
		(progressively
		 getting closer
		 to orgasm)
	And then we'll open a second store
	in Orange County with dinette sets
	and entertainment centers, and a
	third in San Francisco and then
	we'll be bigger than Ikea, oh my
	God... Home Depot!  I, I, Ikeaaa!


Emily orgasms and slides off Steve.


			STEVE
	Emily, I'm sort of feeling, you
	know, like we're moving too fast.
	You're talking like we're married.


			EMILY
		(taking it as a
		 proposal)
	Oh my God!  Steve!  You've made me
	so happy!


She hugs him.


			STEVE
		(upset)
	What?  No, no.  I meant...


Emily quickly ducks OUT OF FRAME to perform oral sex on
STEVE -- who quickly stops being upset.


			STEVE
		(relaxes)
	... Oookay.


							CUT TO:


INT. PALACE DANCE CLUB -NIGHT


Doug and Craig sit at a table with drinks.  Craig, in
suit and "Pump It" gym headband, bops in place.  Doug
doesn't.


			CRAIG
	Doug, If I'm not mistaken, this
	place has got it going on.  I owe
	you big time for inviting me.


Craig hands Doug a health bar.


DOUG'S POV


The candy bar wrapper reads "Big Time -- Protein
Supplement for serious Bodybuilders."


BACK TO SCENE


			CRAIG
	Wooooo!  Who wants to dance all
	night long!  And I mean aaall
	night!  Wooo!
		(sits)
	Doug, I am having a hell of a
	time!


			DOUG
	Whatever, Craig.


			CRAIG
	Hey, do you think I should wear this
	outfit to your brother's wedding?


			 DOUG
	What?


			CRAIG
	Your brother's wedding?  What are you
	gonna wear?


			DOUG
		(dropping head to
		 table)
	Oh, God.


			CRAIG
	You got to hand it to Steve.  That
	Emily's the perfect woman.  Strong
	legs, low body fat, and a positive
	mental attitude.  A lady like that
	can really keep you on track.  Is it
	okay to wear black at an afternoon
	affair?


			DOUG
	Shut up, you idiot.


			CRAIG
	Doug, I know you and your brother
	are having some problems, but that
	is no reason to refer to my
	intellectual capacity in a
	diminutive manner.


			DOUG
	I'm sorry, Craig, but you totally
	Wolf Blitzerd me with the
	matrimony update.  Do you mind if
	we just don't talk about my
	brother?


			CRAIG
	Ten-Four.  Boundary set.


			DOUG
		(perking himself
		 back up)
	Look, did we come here for some
	Starbucks' latte chitchat or did
	we come here to hit on hotties?


			CRAIG
	Hotties.


			DOUG
	Let's do it.


They move out.


BAR


The guys walk over to the back of a blonde woman.


			 DOUG
	Hey, sweetness, what's up?


The woman turns around -- it's ELLEN DEGENERES.


			DOUG
	Hey, fine thing, you got it going
	on.


			ELLEN DEGENERES
	Thank you.  I was worried.


			DOUG
	So, you want to shake it?


			ELLEN DEGENERES
	No, I think I'll just let it sit.


			DOUG
	You sure?


			ELLEN DEGENERES
	Now that I've met you, I'm more
	sure than I've ever been.


Ellen walks away.


			CRAIG
	That was a...
		(makes alien hand
		 signal and sounds)
  ... close encounter.


			DOUG
	She'll be back.  Just playing hard
	to get.


			CRAIG
	I am having a hell of a time!
	Wooo!


							CUT TO:


INT. BUTABI DINING ROOM - NIGHT


Filled with the entire Butabi and Anderson family,
including old folks.  This is the pre-wedding rehearsal
dinner.


			MRS. BUTABI
	And the hors d'oeuvers are hummus
	dip and babaganoush...


			MABEL
	Who's going to eat that?  You
	should have pigs in the blanket
	and chicken fingers.


Steve is sticking a spoon on his nose.  Mr. Butabi takes
it and taps his glass, standing up.


			MR. BUTABI
	Okay.  A toast to Steve and Emily,
	who after tommorow will be Mr. and
	Mrs. Steve Butabi.


			EMILY
	Emily Anderson-Butabi.


			MR. BUTABI
	Really.  Okay.  Well... to whoever
	they turn out to be.


			FRED
		(standing up)
	I would also like to thank
	everyone for flying in to join us.
	My brother and his wife from
	Chicago.  My parents who came in
	all the way from Maine despite
	Mom's sciatica.  And the Butabis
	who came all the way in from Yee-
	men.


			MR. BUTABI
		(correcting him)
	Yemen.


			FRED
	Wherever the hell that is.  I'm
	just kidding.  And that's not the
	only union I'm excited about.
	From what I understand, we got a
	new lamp/plant store.


			MR. BUTABI
	That's plant/lamp store.  Ha
	ha... that's a joke.  But,
	seriously, I think it sounds
	better.


			EMILY
	Steve, don't you want to make a
	toast?


			STEVE
	No, that's alright.


			EMILY
		(pushing him up)
	All the men are doing it?


			STEVE
		(standing)
	So, okay, uh... I just want to
	say... what's up... Grandpa,
	Grandma, and those other two old
	people.


Steve sits.  Emily quickly stands.


			EMILY
	I think what Steve means, is that,
	we're just thrilled with the way
	this family is coming together.
	And I'd like to share with you
	some of our business plans for
	after the merger.
		(to Grandma)
	Can you pass these out?


Emily hands out business plan folders.


			MR. BUTABI
	I will get more wine.


Mr. Butabi is looking through a wine rack.  Steve enters.


			STEVE
	Hey, Dad, do you think maybe we
	could cancel this whole thing?


			MR. BUTABI
	Yes, sure...
		(turns to Doug)
	... Nooo!


			STEVE
	Dad, that's so funny.  But I
	really don't want to get married.


			MR. BUTABI
	You are serious?  All these people
	are here and you are serious?


			STEVE
	Dad, it's like, Emily had turned
	into this whole different person.
	I mean, at first, she was this
	girl that I really liked to have
	sex with.  Then she turned into
	this other girl who I really don't
	want to marry -- although I don't
	mind having sex with her.


			MR. BUTABI
	Look, the catering is paid for.
	The tents are all set up.  Your
	grandparents flew half way around
	the world.  Besides, all men go
	through the same thing the night
	before their wedding.


			STEVE
	You mean, all guys feel sort of
	nervous and anxious, and kind of
	hope a train hits her and she eats
	a can of botulism or maybe she
	could hang out with a deer, and a
	hunter accidently shoots her or
	you know, when she's sleeping and
	she makes that nose whistle sound
	and you shake her to make it quiet
	but what you'd really like to do
	is take her stupid red toothbrush
	and ram it up her nostril into her
	skull.


Mr. Butabi stares at him for a beat.


			MR. BUTABI
	Steve, these feelings are
	perfectly normal.


							CUT TO:


INT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - MIDDLE OF NIGHT


Doug looking out the window.


DOUG'S POV


Wedding chairs.  Tents.  Flowers.  Suddenly, we hear a
KNOCK at the door.


BACK TO SCENE


Doug ducks away.


							CUT TO:


EXT. BUTABI GUEST COTTAGE - MIDDLE OF NIGHT


Steve, in his pajamas, knocks at the door.


			STEVE
	Doug?  Doug?  You there?


Steve pulls put his cell phone, dials.


							CUT TO:


INT. GUEST COTTAGE -NIGHT


Doug's CELL RINGS, he picks up and makes believe he's a
machine.


			DOUG
	You've reached Doug Butabi.  I'm
	not home right now -- because
	I'm...


							CUT TO:


EXT. COTTAGE


Steve listening.


			DOUG (V.O.)
	... out living it up, unlike my
	pussywhipped brother who's busy
	throwing his life away and will
	spend the rest of his years
	selling silk plants for
	Emillyyy...
		(making beeping sound)
	... Beeeep.


			STEVE
		(assuming it's real)
	Doug, sorry I missed you.  I guess
	you heard I'm gettng married
	tommorow.  I was just wondering if
	you wanted to be my best man.  See
	ya.


Steve exits.  Doug peels through the window at him.


							CUT TO:


EXT BUTABI BACK YARD - DAY


Beautiful wedding layout.


Guests mill about.  Craig is lifting an ice sculpture off
it's base.  Steve is next to him.


			STEVE
	Craig, I know you can lift it.
	Now can you just listen to me?


			CRAIG
		(putting down
		 sculpture)
	I got it.  I walk down the aisle.
	I stand next to you.  And I settle
	any inter-wedding party
	skirmishes.


			STEVE
	No, you're the best man.  Not the
	wedding bouncer.  You just gotta
	back me up.


			CRAIG
	Oh, you mean like spotting you?


			STEVE
	Exactly.


			CRAIG
	Now, I get it.  If things get too
	heavy, I step in.  Like a
	relationship spotter.
		(overwhelmed)
	Thank you, man.  I won't let you
	down.


FATHER WILLIAMS, a grey-haired priest, Phil Donahue-type,
walks over.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Okay, boys, we're about ready to
	start.  You look very nice,
	Steven.


			STEVE
	Thank you, Father.  I love what
	you're wearing also.


He's in regular black priest garb.  He exits, confused.


BACK OF WEDDING AISLE


Steve walks up to Mr. Butabi, who is waiting with the
procession.  WEDDING MARCH BEGINS.


			STEVE
	You know, Dad, I've been thinking.
	I didn't really have time to have
	a bachelor party and that's a
	pretty important part of the
	marriage experience.  So, we may
	want to consider delaying the
	wedding a couple of hours so we
	can go to a strip club or
	something.


			MR. BUTABI
	Sh!  We're starting.


WEDDING AISLE


Richard Grieco, in tux, walks down the aisle with a
frumpy BRIDESMAID.


			BRIDESMAID
	Richard Grieco?  How do you know
	Steve?


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Look, I just don't want to be
	sued.


Craig, the best man, begins walking down with the maid of
honor.


			CRAIG
		(to maid of honor)
	Alright... it's a long walk...
	pace yourself.


Craig takes pulse, looks at his watch.  Grandma and
Grandma Butabi walk down the aisle.  As they approach
Craig...


			CRAIG
		(excited)
	Grandma, you look unbelievable!
	Woo!


MR. BUTABI AND STEVE AND BARBARA


Walk  down the aisle.  Steve is wearing a CD walkman --
Mr. Butabi notices and yanks it off.  They pass a pretty
girl.  Steve veers off course.


			STEVE
		(to girl)
	What's up?  You from out of town?


Mr. Butabi pulls Steve back on course.


			STEVE
		(turns back to girl)
	See you at the reception.


EMILY


and her parents walk down the aisle...


			CRAIG
	Steve!  Getting married!  Go for
	it!  You are the man!


			EMILY
		(yelling up to Craig)
	Shut up, Craig! I'm walking down
	the aisle, you dick!


Emily goes back to walking gracefully.  MARCH ENDS.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Dearly beloved, we are gathered
	here today, to join together...


			STEVE
	Father?  Did we already start?


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Yes.


			STEVE
	Oh.  Sorry I thought there was
	going to be a buzzer or whistle or
	something.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	... To join together this man and
	this woman in holy matrimony.  If
	any man can show any just cause
	why these two should not be
	lawfully joined together, speak
	now or forever hold his peace.


Nobody speaks.  Beat.


			CRAIG (O.S.)
	I am having a hell of a time!


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Very good.  Now I understand the
	bride and groom have each prepared
	something.


			EMILY
		(trying  to rhyme)
	Dear Steve, today I wear this
	wedding gown, and on my face there
	is no frown.  I know our lives
	together will be great, just like
	when we saw David Copperfield on
	our first date.  If you set
	something free and it comes back,
	you should love it forever, and
	like one of your silk plants, I'll
	try to stay beautiful, that is my
	endeavor.  Love, forever, Emily.


Steve steps forward, takes out a piece of paper, reads.


			STEVE
	Emily, I used to see you outside
	my father's store.  And then we
	went out on some dates and you let
	me have sex with you.


Steve steps back.  Priest looks to see if Steve's done.


			STEVE
	I'm done.


			FATHER
	Very nice.  Steven, do you promise
	to love Emily, comfort her, honor
	her, in sickness and in health, as
	long as you both shall live?


			STEVE
	My father already paid the caterer.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Emily, do you promise to comfort
	Steve, and honor him in sickness
	and health, as long as you both
	shall live?


			EMILY
	I do.


Mr. Butabi hands Steve the ring.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Now, Steven, repeat after me...


			STEVE
	'After me'... just kidding.  I'm
	nervous.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Now repeat after me, with this
	ring I thee wed...


			STEVE
	With this ring, I thee wed.


Steve puts the ring on her finger.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Now, Emily, repeat after me.  With
	this ring, I thee wed.


			EMILY
	With This ring --


Suddenly, the ceremony is interrupted by the sound of the
GARAGE DOOR OPENING -- revealing...


DOUG


holding a huge boom box over his head, confidently
standing in place.  Emily rolls her eyes.  Mr. Butabi's
angry.


			STEVE
		(in shock)
	Doug.


Doug hits the play button.  "WHAT IS LOVE?" by Haddaway
BLASTS.


			MR. BUTABI
		(to organ player)
	Let's just keep it going.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
	Mr. Butabi, I can't --


			MR. BUTABI
	Just ignore him.


			FATHER WILLIAMS
		(yelling)
	Say 'With this ring I thee...'


			EMILY
	With this ring --


Doug TURNS UP the VOLUME, drowning out Emily.


Steve starts bopping his head.  Doug bops his head back.


			STEVE
	Sorry, Dad.
		(turns back)
	Emily, I'm sorry.  I'm not ready
	yet.  I liked your poem.


Steve starts walking towards Doug.  Mr. Butabi, furious
follows him and reaches to stop him.  Suddenly, a hand
pulls him on his back.  We REVEAL it is...


CRAIG


			CRAIG
	I'm sorry, Mr. Butabi, but as best
	man, my primary duty is to allow
	the groom to beat a hasty retreat
	should the occasion take a sudden
	ugly turn.


Butabi tries to get around.  Craig jumps in the way.


			CRAIG
	Don't test me.


Steve runs up to Doug.


			STEVE
	Hey.


			DOUG
	Hello.


They run out of the back yard.


RICHARD GRIECO


Puts his arm around Mr. Butabi.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Mr. Butabi, as an actor, I'm a
	keen observer of human nature.
	And, I can tell that neither of
	your sons are anywhere near the
	maturity level necessary for this
	sort of commitment.


ALTAR


Emily is furious.  Craig steps in the groom's spot.


			CRAIG
	Go ahead, Father.


			EMILY
	What are you doing?


			CRAIG
	Emily, with all due respect to
	Steve, his discipline is lacking
	as is his appreciation for you.
	I, on the other hand, can bench
	press 305 lbs.  I squat a clean
	525, and my body fat percentage is
	less than two percent.  Not only
	am I a professional trainer, but I
	someday hope to market my own
	protein bars and produce an Iron
	Buns video.


Emily considers this a moment, then puts her arm through
his.


			EMILY
	... Okay... We should look into
  infomercials.


							CUT TO:


INT. HOLLYWOOD RESERVOIR - DAY


Steve and Doug are on the bridge tossing rocks.


			DOUG
	... and I also took Craig out
	clubbing.


			STEVE
	Mm-hm.


			DOUG
	That was alright.  Plus, I rented
	a lot of videos and I didn't do
	much else.


			STEVE
	Uh-huh.


			DOUG
	Look, I, uh, I don't know... I
	just... Steve?


Steve is still looking at the water.


			DOUG
	Look, I'm sorry.  I said a lot of
	bad things before and... lately...
	I don't know.


			DOUG (CONT'D)
	I've been thinking, you know...
	You're my brother... we're
	brothers and when we're together,
	you know... You just...


Jerry MacGuire theme "SECRET GARDEN" by Springsteen begins.


			DOUG
		(emotional)
	You don't drag me down, Steve... I
	drag me down, me!  And you... you
	complete me!


Steve walks up to Doug.


			STEVE
	Shut up.  Just shut up!  You had
	me at hello.


They hug and hold one another as the MUSIC SWELLS...


							CUT TO:


EXT. BUTABI BACK YARD - LATER


The guests are gone.  In the empty tent, Richard Grieco
sits alone drinking wine with Mr. Butabi.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	And it seems to me that you're a
	little bit harder on Doug than you
	are on Steve.  Isn't that true?


			MR. BUTABI
	You are right.  It's just that
	Doug is so rebellious, so hard to
	control.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	Rebellious?  Scrappy?  Dreamer,
	maybe?  What other young man does
	that remind you of?


Mr. Butabi has an epiphany.


			MR. BUTABI
	... Myself.


Richard nods, knowingly.


			RICHARD GRIECO
	So who are you really fighting
	with?


			MR. BUTABI
	Oh, Richard Grieco, you see right
	through me.


EXT. SUNSET - NIGHT


SUPERIMPOSE: ONE DAY LATER


We PAN UP the front of the red BMW to reveal Doug and
Steve in their usual positions.


INT. BMW


Doug looks at his hair in the passenger sideview mirror.
Then he looks in the vanity mirror.


			DOUG
	I missed this car.  I look good in
	it.


			STEVE
	Of course you do, bro.


			DOUG
	You know it...
		(gets an idea)
	Oh... And... you know, you look
	good also.


			STEVE
		(appreciating Doug's
		 gesture)
	Thanks, bro.  I'm glad you moved
	back in the room.


			DOUG
	Dad was kind of a sport about the
	wedding once Richard Grieco talked
	to him.


			STEVE
	Yeah, and isn't it a kick in the
	head how Emily hooked up with
	Craig.


			DOUG
	It's funny.  The infomercial
	really makes you want to buy those
	Power Bars.


							CUT TO:


INT. CHEAP FAKE TALK SHOW SET - DAY


Infomercial.


Craig and Emily in leotards, pitching their "Un-fat"
bars.  A chunky silhouette is superimposed -- getting
thinner and thinner.


			STEVE (V.O.)
	That silhouette chick is hot.


							CUT TO:


INT. CAR - NIGHT


			DOUG
	Hey, look...


DOUG'S POV


Billboard ad of Gilbert Gottfried and Bob Saget in a TNT
special movie -- "Orville & Wilbur -- Brothers in
Flight."


			DOUG (O.S.)
	We got to remember to tape them.


							CUT TO:


EXT. OPEN FIELD - DAY


An antique airplane is taking off.  Gilbert Gottfried in
turn of the century garb, watches the plane.


			GILBERT GOTTFRIED
	Yes!  Yes, we're in flight!  Yes!
	No!  No, that's down.  We don't
	want from down.  We want up!  Yes!
	Up is good!


							CUT TO:


INT. CAR -NIGHT


			STEVE
	Hey, I wonder whatever happened to
	Vivica's cousins?


							CUT TO:


EXT. JAPANESE BRIDGE - DAY


Akiro and Toronaga are on the bridge -- same positions
that Doug and Steve were in.  A japanese version of Bruce
Springsteen's "SECRET GARDEN" is playing.


			AKIRO
	Kiyamo tomaga.


SUPERIMPOSE:  "YOU COMPLETE ME"


			TORONAGA
	Kayama, Tokayama!  Ko ma sayagan a
	suma.


SUPERIMPOSE:  "SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP.
		YOU HAD ME AT HELLO"


They embrace.  MUSIC SWELLS.


							CUT TO:


INT. CAR - NIGHT


			DOUG
	Hey, get in the other lane,
	there's an accident.


							CUT TO:


STREET


Dooey is lying under a totaled limo, surrounded by cans
of Reddi-whip.  However, the boys don't notice.


INT. CAR - NIGHT


			STEVE
	Wow, I can't believe all that
	stuff got wrapped up in one day.


			DOUG
		(notices something
		 outside)
	Hey, check it out...


STEVE AND DOUG'S POV - NEW CLUB


Outside, people sit on couches and listen to music, even
though they are waiting in line to get in.


			STEVE (O.S.)
	Wait a second, that was your idea.


			DOUG (O.S.)
	It was killer.  Bound to happen.


EXT. CLUB


They park, get out.



EXT. CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT


Guys walk up.  A huge BOUNCER steps in front of them.


			BOUNCER
	Whoa!  No one gets in unless they
	talk to the list.


			DOUG
	Right.  Well we're on the list.


			STEVE
	Steve and Doug Butabi.


The Bouncer checks the list.


			BOUNCER
	Butabi... Great.  Step right in.


			DOUG
	I'm sorry?


			BOUNCER
	Go right in.


			STEVE
		(confused)
	... Okaaay.


			DOUG
	I guess we should go in then.


			STEVE
	Yeah.


The guys suspiciously enter.


							CUT TO:


INT. CLUB - NIGHT


The walls look like building facades, we see cars parked
inside, the main dance floor covers a lit body of
water with fish underneath.  The guys look astounded.


			MR. ZADIR
	Boys!


Mr. Zadir approaches them.


			STEVE/DOUG
	Mr. Zadir!


			MR. ZADIR
	How do you lke our place?


			DOUG
	Our place?


			MR. ZADIR
	Yes, I cut you in.  It was your
	idea.


			STEVE
	Sweet.


			DOUG
	Sweet ass sweet.


They high five.


			MR. ZADIR
	It's not all sweet asses.  Running
	a club is a lot of hard work.


Bouncer comes over.


			BOUNCER
	Mr. Zadir, we've got a situation
	at the door.


			DOUG
	We'll take care of it, Mr. Zadir.


			STEVE
	We're on the job.


EXT. CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT


Cambi and Vivica are arguing outside with another
bouncer.  Doug and Steve appear.


			CAMBI
	Call the manager then!  We're
	always on the list!


			DOUG
	Excuse me, I'm the owner.  Is
	there a problem here?


			CAMBI
	Hi, uh...


			DOUG
	Doug.


			STEVE
	Steve, or jerkoff as you like to
	put it.


			VIVICA
	Look, you're not gonna hold that
	against is.  Just let us in.


			DOUG
		(turns to bouncer)
	Good job.  Don't let these or any
	other predatory lowlife strumpets
	in the club.


			STEVE
	Good call.


			DOUG
	Only 'cause it's true.


On line, we see the Switchboard Operator from the credit
center.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	That voice sounds so familiar...


DOUG


He pricks up his ears.


			DOUG
	Hey, is that...?


The Switchboard operator walks up to Doug.


			DOUG
	Are you...?


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	Doug?


They mentally put the voice with the face and are
immediately attracted.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	I can't believe it.


			DOUG
	You're even more beautiful than
	you sound.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	You stopped calling?


			DOUG
	Not because I didn't want to...
		(nervous)
	Am I what you expected?


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	I totally approve.


They're lost in each other's eyes.


			STEVE
		(being helpful)
	Hey, Doug.  Do you have the time?


			DOUG
		(not getting it)
	Eleven thirty.


			STEVE
	No, do you have the...


			DOUG
		(cutting him off)
	Steve, I think it's working out,
	but thanks for your help...
		(to Operator)
	Come on into my club.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	Well, I've got my friend.


The female Police Officer who earlier pulled them over is
her friend.  Steve steps over.


			STEVE
	Hottie police officer?


			POLICE OFFICER
	Violater of posted speed limits?


			STEVE
	I was really looking forward to
	meeting you at the municipal court
	on or before June sixth.


They walk in the club.


INT. CLUB - NIGHT


"WHAT IS LOVE" by Haddaway comes over the outdoor
speakers.


			POLICE OFFICER
	Oh, I love this song.


			SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
	Me, too.


			STEVE
	In all honesty, I'm a little sick
	of it.


The girls laugh.


			DOUG
	Good one.  Where do you come up
	with this stuff?


			STEVE
	I don't know.  Every once in a
	while I strike pay dirt.  Let's
	shake it.


The MUSIC rises as they all dance and we...


FADE TO BLACK.


As CREDITS ROLL...


FADE IN:


EXT. CLUB - NIGHT


Doug and Steve stand at the entrance, wearing headsets.
A CLUB GOER walks up.  Doug steps in front of him.


			DOUG
	Whoa, whoa.  Name please?


			CLUB GOER
	Neil Platt.


			DOUG
	Let me check the list.


They both check their lists.


			DOUG
	I don't see it.


			STEVE
	So, step right in.


The confused guy goes in.  Girl steps up.


			STEVE
	Name please.


			GIRL
	Lisa Horowitz.


			STEVE
		(checks list)
	Nope.  You can go in.


EMILIO ESTEVEZ approaches.


			EMILIO ESTEVEZ
	Estevez.


The guys look up.


			STEVE
	Oh my God!


			DOUG/STEVE
	Emillliooooo!


					FADE OUT.

			THE END
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