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Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)

by John Hughes.
Shooting script, July 24, 1985.

More info about this movie on IMDb.com


FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY


1  BLACK SCREEN				1

MAIN TITLES

IT'S SILENT. A BEAT...AND AN EXPLOSION OF SOUND.  A HOUSEHOLD
IN THE MORNING. KIDS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. CLOCK RADIOS.
KITCHEN APPLIANCES. SHOWERS. FIGHTING. PEOPLE YELLING. DOG
BARKING. APPLIANCES BUZZING. CAR HORNS. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE
YOUR HOUSE DID. STREAMS OF ROCK'N ROLL FADE IN AND OUT. HUEY
LEWIS TO LIONEL RITCHIE TO HUSKER DU. SURROUND MAKES IT FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ROOM. AN AURAL TOUR OF A HOUSE ON A
SCHOOL MORNING. BEGINING IN THE KITCHEN AND MOVING UPSTAIRS.

		FATHER'S VOICE (TOM)
	Where's my wallet?!

		SEVEN YEAR OLD BOY (TODD)
	YOU IDIOT!!

		TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL (KIMBERLY)
	MOM!

		TODD
	SHUT-UP!

		EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL (JEANIE)
	I NEED A TOWEL!!

		TOM
	JOYCE!

		KIMBERLY
		(whispers, sadistic)
	When you turn ten, your head's going
	to swell up real big like a watermelon
	and we're going to have to put you
	to sleep like they do with a dog.

		TODD
	MOM!

		TOM
	JOYCE!!

		JEANIE
	WHO PISSED ON THE TOILET SEAT!? MOTHER!!

		TOM
	Where's Mom?

		TODD
	Is my head going to swell up?

		TOM
	What?!

		JEANIE
	OH, MY GOD! THE TOILET PAPER'S ALL WET!!!

		MOTHER (JOYCE)
		(screams)
	TOM!

The house falls dead SILENT. We hear footsteps thundering
through the house. A TENSE STRAIN OF MUSIC FADES UP.

		TODD
	What's that?

		KIMBERLY
	Wait! Hold still!

		TODD
	What?!

		KIMBERLY
	You heads starting to swell up!!

Todd screams. We hear the sound of Tom's footsteps running
through the kitchen, down the hall, up the stairs, up the
hallway. A door open.

		TOM
		(breathless)
	What's the matter?

		JOYCE
		(worried)
	It's Ferris!

		TOM
	What's wrong?

		JOYCE
		(snaps)
	What's wrong? For Christ's sake!
	Look at him!

2  CLOSE-UP. FERRIS				2

An eighteen year-old boy. He's staring lifelessly at CAMERA.
His mouth's open. His eyes are bugged-out. His tongue is fat
and dry in his mouth. He's laying in bed, on his side.

3  INT. BOY'S BEDROOM			         3

Ferris' parents, TOM and JOYCE BUELLER are standing at
bedside. They're in their late forties, early fifties.
Handsome, upper-middle class parents. They're both dressed
for work.

		TOM
	Ferris?

		JOYCE
	He doesn't have a fever. But he says
	his stomach hurts and he's seeing spots.

4  CLOSE-UP. FERRIS				4

His lifeless eyes blink.

5  INT. BEDROOM. PARENTS			      5

Tom bends down and touches Ferris' forehead.

		TOM
	What's the matter, Ferris?

		JOYCE
	Feel his hands. They're cold and clammy.

Tom takes one of Ferris' hands.

		TOM
		(discreetly)
	Should you call the doctor?

		JOYCE
		(whispers)
	He doesn't want me to.

		TOM
	Why don't you want Mom to call
	the doctor?

Ferris exhales loudly. He tries to speak but all he can
manage is a choked gasp.

		TOM
	What?

Ferris tries again.

		FERRIS
		(raspy)
	Don't make a fuss. I'm fine. I'll get up.

He starts to get up. Joyce gently pushes him back down.

		FERRIS
	I have a test today. I have to take it.
	I want to get into a good college
	so I can have a fruitful life...

		JOYCE
	You're not going to school like
	this.
		(to Tom)
	Maybe I should call the office and
	tell them I won't be in.

		FERRIS
	I'm okay, Mom. I feel perfectly...Oh, God!

He's gripped by a seizure. His body stiffens and he chokes.
His older sister, JEANIE, walks into the room. She's dressed
for school. She's cute and stuck-up. A major pill.

		JEAN
	Oh, fine. What's this? What's his problem?

		JOYCE
	He doesn't feel well.

		JEAN
	Yeah, right. Dry that one out
	and you can fertilize the lawn.

		TOM
	That's enough, Jeanie.

		JEANIE
	You're not falling for this, are you?
	Tell me you're not falling for this.

		FERRIS
	Is that Jeanie? I can't see that
	far. Jeanie?

		JEANIE
	Pucker up and squat, Ferris.

		JOYCE
		(annoyed)
	Thank you, Jeanie. Get to school.

		JEANIE
		(angry, defeated)
	You're really letting him stay home?
	I can't believe this. If I was bleeding
	out my eyes, you guys'd make me go to
	school. It's so unfair.

		FERRIS
	Please don't be upset with me, Jeanie.
	Be thankful that you're fit and have
	your health. Cherish it.

		JEANIE
		(to herself)
	Oh, I wanna puke.

She glares at Ferris. Her eyes are mascara and vengence. She
slips out of the room. Ferris' brother, TODD and sister,
KIMBERLY peek into the room.

		KIMBERLY
	Myocardial infarction?

		JOYCE
	Get your stuff. Daddy'll be right
	down.

		KIMBERLY
	Syphilitic meningitus? That would be
	a huge family embarrassment.

		TOM
	Get downstairs!

		KIMBERLY
	If he dies, I got dibs on his stereo.

She turns sharply and exits.

		TODD
		(worried)
	Dad? Does my head look alright?

		JOYCE
	Get downstairs! Now!

		TODD
	Just answer me one question! Is it
	swelling up? Kim said it was going
	to get as big as...

		KIMBERLY (OC)
	A WATERMELON!

		TODD
		(yells out the room)
	Shut-up!

		JOYCE
	Get downstairs! NOW!

Todd backs out of the room.

		FERRIS
	I'll be okay. I'll just sleep.
	Maybe I'll have an aspirin around
	noon.

		JOYCE
		(to Ferris)
	I'm showing houses to the family
	from California today but I'll be in
	the area. My office'll know where
	I am, if you need me.

		TOM
	I'll check it with you, too.

		FERRIS
	It's nice to know I have such
	loving, caring parents. You're
	both very special people.

6  CU. FERRIS				  6

He acknowledges Tom with a pathetic flutter of his eyelids.

7  INT. BEDROOM. JOYCE			        7

She strokes Ferris' hair.

		JOYCE
	I hope you feel better, pumpkin.

She leans down and kisses his forehead. Tom pats his
shoulder.

		TOM
	Get some rest.

8  CU. FERRIS				  8

Ferris lets out a wheeze. His glassy eyes follow his parents
to the door.

		JOYCE (OC)
	We love you, sweetie.

		TOM (OC)
	Call if you need us.

They close the door. The lock clicks. Ferris' eyes shift
from the door to CAMERA. A sly, little smile crawls across
his lips.

		FERRIS
	They bought it.

The MTV theme music ROARS IN.

9  CU. TV SCREEN				   9

The TV at the foot of Ferris' bed. The MTV logo is playing.

10  INT. BEDROOM				   10

Ferris yanks open the drapes. The pall of the sickroom
disappears in the brilliant glow of morning sunlight.

		FERRIS
	Incredible! One of the worst performances
	of my career and they never doubted it
	for a second.
		(looks out the window)
	What a beautiful day!

He turns from the window.

		FERRIS
	Parents always fall for the clammy hands.
	It's physical evidence of illness. It's
	a good, non-specific symptom. Parents are
	generally pretty hip to the fever scams.
	And to make them work you have to go a hundred
	and one, hundred and two. You get a nervous
	mother and you end up in a doctor's office
	and that's worse than school.

He flips on his stereo and fills the room with the MTV
broadcast. A NEW SONG begins.

		FERRIS
	Fake a stomach cramp and when you're
	doubled over, moaning and wailing, just
	lick your palms. It's a little stupid
	and childish but then so if high school.
	Right?

He equalizes the sound a little.

		FERRIS
	This is my ninth sick day with semester.
	If I go for ten, I'm probably going to
	have to barf up a lung. So, I absolutely
	must make this one count.

He exits into the hallway.

11  INT. BATHROOM				  11

Ferris walks into the bathroom. It's littered with Jean's
debris. He turns on the shower water.

		FERRIS
	I don't care if you're fifty five
	or seven, everybody needs a day off
	now and then. It's a beautiful day.
	How can I be expected to handle
	high school?

He bends down OUT OF FRAME as he loses his briefs. He pops
up.

		FERRIS
	I do actually have a test. That wasn't
	bullshit.

He steps into the shower. Through the pebbled glass of the
shower door we see Ferris' outline.

		FERRIS
	That I care about it was.

12  INT. BATHROOM. SHOWER STALL.		        12

Inside the shower. Ferris' hair is standing straight up.
It's moulded into a fin with shampoo.

		FERRIS
	It's on European socialism. I mean,
	really. What's the point? I'm not
	European. I don't plan to be European.
	So, who gives a shit if they're socialists?
	They could be fascist anarchists and it
	still wouldn't change the fact that I
	don't own a car.

He turns the shower head around and uses it like a
microphone.

		FERRIS
		(sings)
	WELL SHAKE IT UP, BABY,
	TWIST AND SHOUT...

13  INT. HALLWAY. LATER			       13

Ferris comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around
his waist. He's drying his hair with another of a different
color.

		FERRIS
	Not that I condone fascism. Or
	and "isms". "Isms", in my opinion
	are not good. A person should not
	believe in an "ism". He should
	believe in himself. John Lennon
	said it on his first solo album.
	"I don't believe in Beatles, I
	just believe in me." A good point
	there. Afterall, he was the Walrus.

He opens a linen closet and tosses the towel in it.

		FERRIS
	I could be the Walrus and I'd still
	have to bum rides off people.

He passes CAMERA and goes into his room.

		FERRIS (OC)
	I'm not very political? Let me
	put that into perspective...

14  INT. BEDROOM				   14

Ferris tosses the towel he's dried hair with on the bed.

		FERRIS
	My uncle went to Canada to protest
	the war, right? On the Fourth of
	July he was down with my aunt and he
	got drunk and told my Dad he felt
	guilty he didn't fight in Viet Nam.
	So I said, "What's the deal, Uncle
	Jeff? In wartime you want to be a
	pacifist and in peacetime you want
	to be a soldier. It took you twenty
	years to find out you don't believe
	in anything?"
		(snaps his fingers)
	Grounded. Just like that. Two weeks.
		(pause)
	Be careful when you deal with old
	hippies. They can be real touchy.

He opens his door.

15  INT. CLOSET				15

The door opens and Ferris rifles through his shirts.

		FERRIS
	My mother was a hippie. But she
	lost it. She got old. If she listens
	to the White Album now? She doesn't hear
	music, she hears memories. Nostalgia is
	her favorite drug. It'll probably be
	mine, too. I hope not.

He finds a shirt he likes. He steps back from the closet and
puts it on. He drops the towel.

16  INT. BEDROOM				   16

He walks across the room to his dresser. He opens his
underwear drawer. There's an old model of a submarine on the
top of the dresser. He picks it up.

		FERRIS
	In eighth grade a friend of mine
	made a bong out of one of these.
	The smoke tasted like glue.

He pulls out a pair of underwear. He gets dressed as he
speaks.

		FERRIS
	His name is Garth Volbeck. He's a
	serious outsider. Not a bad guy, I
	like him. I'm probably his only friend.
	I do what I can for him. I mean, if
	I was him, I'd appreciate it. Do unto others,
	right? Anyway, his mother owns a gas station.
	His father's dead and his sister's rumored
	to be a prostitute, which is complete bullshit.
	She only puts out so people will hang out
	with her. It's sad but I don't hold it
	against her. Better to hold it against the
	guys who use her and don't care about her.
		(pause)
	My parents never allowed Garth over here.
	It was because of his family. Mainly his
	older brother. He's in jail. I could see them
	not wanting his brother here because he is
	a registered psycho. I wouldn't want him here.
	I once watched the guy eat a whole bowl of
	artificial fruit just so he could see what
	it was like to have his stomach pumped.
	But Garth isn't his brother. It isn't his fault
	that his brother's screwed-up. Alot of fights
	with the parents on that point. I always felt
	for Garth. I was sleeping at his house once
	and I was laying on the dark worrying that
	his brother was going to come in and hack me
	to death with an ax and I heard Garth crying.
	I asked him what was wrong and he said, "Nothing".
	... Nothing was wrong. There was no
	specific thing he was crying about.
	In fact, he wasn't really even aware that
	he was crying. He just cried himself to
	sleep every night. It was a habit. The
	guy's so conditioned to grief that if
	he doesn't feel it, he can't sleep. How
	could you possibly dump on guy who has to
	deal with that kinda shit? My parents
	acknowledge the trudge of the situation
	and I'm sure that deep down, they do feel
	for him but still the guy's banned from
	our house.

He looks at himself in the mirror on the back of his closet
door. He doesn't like what he's wearing. He continues his
speech as he disrobes.

		FERRIS
	Unfortunately, now my parents have a
	legit argument. Garth doesn't need his
	brother to give him a rep anymore. He's
	getting one on his own. He's lost. It's
	over for him. He's eighteen. Gone from
	school. Gone from life. His legacy is
	a gas station.

17  INT. HOUSE. STAIRCASE			     17

Ferris comes down the stairs. He's wearing a completely
different outfit.

		FERRIS
	One very serious danger is playing
	sick is that it's possible to believe
	your own act.

18  INT. KITCHEN				   18

Ferris comes into the kitchen and crosses to the
refrigerator.

		FERRIS
	That and boredom. Alot of people
	ditch and feel great for about an
	hour. Then they realize there's
	nothing to do. TV and food. I myself
	have ditched and gotten so bored I
	did homework. Figure that shit out.

He takes a sip out of a bottle of orange juice.

		FERRIS
	You have to plan things out before
	you take the day off. Otherwise
	you get all nervous worrying about
	what to do and all you get is grief
	and the whole point is to take it
	easy, cut loose and enjoy.

He crosses to the pantry.

		FERRIS
	You blow your day and at about three
	o'clock, when everybody's out of school,
	you're going to wish you'd gone to
	school so you could be out having
	fun.

He emerges from the pantry with a handful of Oreos.

		FERRIS
	Avoid the misery. Plan your day.
	Do it right.

19  INT. FAMILY ROOM				19

Ferris walks in and flops down in an armchair.

		FERRIS
	There's alot of pressure at work
	in my age group. And it's not always
	recognized.

He reaches over and picks up the telephone. He sets it in
his lap.

		FERRIS
	Some guy whose hair is falling out
	and his stomach's hanging over his
	belt and everything he eats makes
	him fart, he looks at someone like
	me and thinks, "This kid's young and
	strong and has a full, rich future ahead
	of him, what's he got to bitch about?"

20  CU. PHONE				  20

He punches out a number.

21  INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS			  21

He remote controls the TV on.

		FERRIS
	That's just one reason why I need a
	day off every now and then.

22  EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE			        22

A sleek, modern house on a couple of deeply wooded acres. A
prime house in a prime location. A telephone rings OVER.

23  INT. BOY'S BEDROOM			        23

It's a dark, dreary sick room. Shades drawn, floor strewn
with used tissues, nightstand a still-life of over the
counter remedies. A high school boy, CAMERON FRYE, is laying
in bed. We don't see his face, only a silhouette with a
thermometer sticking out his mouth. U2's SUNDAY BLOODY
SUNDAY is playing. He's mumbling random words.

		CAMERON
	Food...shelter...no...yes...

The phone rings. His hand reaches back and hits the speaker
phone button.

		CAMERON
		(weak)
	Hello?

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Cameron! What's happening?

		CAMERON
	Very little.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	How do you feel?

		CAMERON
	Shredded.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Is your mother in the room?

Cameron takes the thermometer out of his mouth.

		CAMERON
	She's not home. Where are you?

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Home.

24  INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS		    24

Ferris is sprawled out in the chair.

		FERRIS
	I'm taking the day off. Get
	dressed and come over.

		CAMERON'S VOICE
	I can't. I'm sick.

		FERRIS
	It's all in your head. Come on over.

25  INT. CAMERON'S ROOM			       25

Cameron's insistant.

		CAMERON
	I feel like complete shit, Ferris.
	I can't go anywhere.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	I'm sorry to hear that. Now, come
	on over and pick me up.

Ferris disconnects. Cameron slowly hangs up the phone.

		CAMERON
	I'm dying.

The phone rings again. Cameron hits the speaker button.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	You're not dying. You just can't think
	of anything good to do.

26  INT. FERRIS' FAMILY ROOM			  26

Ferris hangs up.

		FERRIS
	If anybody needs a day off, it's
	Cameron. He has alot of things to
	sort out before he graduates. He
	can't be wound this tight and go
	to college. His roommate'll kill
	him. I've come close myself. But I
	like him. He's a little easier to
	take when you know why he's like he
	is. The boy cannot relax. Pardon
	by French but Cameron is so tight
	that if you stuck a lump of coal up
	his ass, in two weeks you'd have a
	diamond.
		(after-thought)
	And Cameron would worry that he'd
	owe taxes on it.

27  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY			      27

We hear roll call as CAMERA MOVES ACROSS the tile floor. A
shoe's POV.

		TEACHER'S VOICE
	Albers?

		BOY'S VOICE
	Here.

		TEACHER'S VOICE
	Anderson.

		GIRL'S VOICE
	Here.

CAMERA enters a classroom. It travels past a teacher's Hush
Puppies and heads up an aisle of desk past dirty yellow
Reebocks, rotting Air Jordans, scuffed heels, pristine
loafers...

		TEACHER'S VOICE
	Anheiser?

		BOY'S VOICE
	Here.

		TEACHER'S VOICE
	Busch?

		GIRL'S VOICE
	Here.

		TEACHER'S VOICE
	Bueller?

CAMERA reaches the last desk and rises slowly to reveal that
it's empty.

		TEACHER'S VOICE
	Bueller?

		GIRL'S VOICE
	He's sick.
		(pause)
	My best friend's sister's boyfriend's
	brother's girlfriend heard from this
	guy who knows this kid who's going
	with a girl who saw Ferris pass-out
	at 31 Flavors last night. I guess
	it's pretty serious.

		TEACHER'S VOICE
		(weary)
	Thank you, Simone.

		GIRL'S VOICE
		(cheery)
	No problem whatsoever.

		TEACHER'S VOICE
	Drucker?

		BOY'S VOICE
	What?

WOUND-OUT CAR ENGINES COME UP LOUD.

28  CU. TV				     28

THE ROAD WARRIOR is playing on video cassette. The big chase
at the end.

INT. FAMILY ROOM. FERRIS

He's sitting in the arm chair pretending it's Humongous' war
wagon. He's wearing a hockey mash. He's steering. He reaches
down and grabs an imaginary nitrous oxide valve.

CU. TV

Humongous reaches down and grabs a real nitrous oxide valve.
He gives it a twist.

CU. FERRIS

He throws himself back against the chair.

CU. TV

The force of the rapid acceleration of his vehicle throws
Humongous back in his seat.

CU. FERRIS

He bounces himself in the chair to simulate the bumpy high
speed ride.

CU. TV

The was wagon hurtles down the road.

CU. FERRIS

He rears back in horror.

CU. TV

The war wagon is heading for a head-on collision with the
tanker truck.

CU. FERRIS

Arms outstretched, head thrown back, braced for collision.

CU. TV

IMPACT!

MOZART COMES UP.

29  CU. FLOWERING TREE BRANCH			 29

Outside a bedroom window. A flowering crabtree branch.
Petite pink flowers. WE PULL BACK FROM THE WINDOW INTO THE
ROOM. It's Jeanie's room. A pink and powder blue pig pen.
Clothes everywhere, make-up, books, records. Ferris is
sitting on her bed going through a purse.

		FERRIS
	This is really degrading.

He comes up with a crumpled dollar bill.

		FERRIS
	Financing my activities this way.
	Very damaging to the self-image.
	But, hey, I'm broke. In times of
	crisis one must to what one must
	to. I'll pay it back. With interest.

He comes up with a five.

		FERRIS
	Regardless of how much shit sisters
	make you eat, how often they rat on
	you, how gross they act or how wicked
	and insensitive they can be, you should
	not alientate them. Because most likely
	they have cash and it's usually very easy
	to get your hands on.

He holds up a twenty and snaps it. PINK FLOYD'S "MONEY"
COMES UP.

30  INT. LIVING ROOM				30

The song plays as Ferris digs through the sofa cushions.

CU. SOFA

Ferris extracts a sticky quarter from a crevice.

31  INT. PARENTS' BEDROOM			     31

Ferris is going through his father's pants pockets. Another
crumpled bill surfaces.

32  CU. WASHING MACHINE TOP			   32

A couple of stiff, hard, bleached singles that have gone
through the wash lay on top of the washer. A hand scoops
them up.

33  CU. LUCITE ENCASED PROOF SET		        33

An obvious gift from a grandparent. A U.S. Mint proof set. A
ten, a five and a single enclosed in a lucite frame. A
screwdriver tip wedges between the two pieces of Lucite and
pops them apart. A hand peels the bills off the backing.

34  CU. KITCHEN DRAWER			        34

Hands ripping through the kitchen junk drawer. Locating a
dollar bill.

35  CU. COIN COLLECTION			       35

The familiar blue collector's album. One-by-one, the
quarters are being popped out of their slots.

36  CU. VACCUUM CLEANER			       36

The dusty, dirty contents of the bag are emptied on the
floor. Fingers pick a dime out of a matted wad of filth.

37  CU. SNOOPY BANK				37

It's being shaken furiously.

38  CU. BIRTHDAY CARD			         38

It's a child's card. It's slowly opened to reveal a crisp,
new five.

39  INT. HALL CLOSET				39

The door opens and Ferris thrusts his hands into the pockets
of the coats. He comes up with a ball of Kleenex. A roll of
Tums. A squirt gun. Then a modest wad of bills. His face
lights up as he counts out the cash. He closes the door.

40  CU. FLOOR AND BED			         40

Ferris' face appears between the bed and the floor. His arm
reaches out for a small metal bank hidden under the bed.

41  CU. BANK				   41

It's on a work bench. An awl is driven in between the door
and the jamb. It pries the door open. Inside are trading
cards, a charred doll's head, a Zippo lighter and, finally,
a five dollar bill.

42  INT. KITCHEN				   42

Ferris is on his hands and knees under the kitchen table.

43  CU. TABLE LEG				  43

Ferris lifts the leg and removes a quarter that's been used
to balance the table.

44  INT. KITCHEN				   44

Ferris stands up and pockets the quarter.

45  CU. FERRIS' BED				45

A shower of coins and bills rain down on the sheets. The
SONG ENDS.

46  EXT. REAL ESTATE OFFICE. MORNING		    46

A suburban realty company. A cute little building in town.

47  INT. OFFICE				47

Joyce is behind a desk. Across from her are two WOMEN.
They're also real estate agents.

		JOYCE
	No one's going to consider a
	house with a black living room.
	Not even those jerks from Vermont.
	Let's be realistic.

		AGENT 1
	Mrs. Volbeck's dead set against
	putting any money into the house.

Joyce's phone intercom buzzes. She take the call.

		JOYCE
	Joyce Bueller.

Her eyes open wide with alarm.

		JOYCE
	Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I
	completely forgot to call.

48  EXT. HIGH SCHOOL				48

A modern, suburban high school.

		MAN'S VOICE
	Are you aware that your son is not
	in school today?

49  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY			      49

It's a passing period. The hall is clogged with students.

		JOYCE'S VOICE
	Yes, I am. Ferris is home sick. I
	had a meeting first thing this
	morning. I should have called. It
	completely slipped my mind.

50  INT. SCHOOL. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE		    50

A SECRETARY is at work at her desk. We hear the dean inside
the office.

		DEAN'S VOICE
	Are you also aware that Ferris does not
	have what we consider an exemplary
	attendance record?

51  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. CU. DESK SIGN		   51

It reads, EDWARD R. ROONEY. DEAD OF STUDENTS. The dean's
feet are up on the desk, behind the sign. Moderately priced
dress shoes.

		JOYCE'S VOICE
	I don't understand.

		DEAN'S VOICE
	I just had his file up.

INT. OFFICE. CU. DEAN

ED ROONEY is sitting behind his desk. He's tough, clean and
straight as an I-beam. Short, neatly combed hair, suit and
tie. He's toying with a pencil. He's confident to the point
of arrogance.

		ROONEY
	I just has his file up, Mrs. Bueller.

Behind him is a computer terminal. He removes his feet from
the desk and turns in his swivel chair.

		ROONEY
	If Ferris thinks he coast this last
	month and still graduate, he's sorely
	mistaken.

		JOYCE'S VOICE
	This is all news to me.

CU. COMPUTER MONITOR

The monitor on Rooney's desk displays Ferris' records.

		ROONEY'S VOICE
	So far this semester alone, he's been
	absent nine times. Including today.

		JOYCE'S VOICE
	Nine times?

Under DAYS MISSED we see a number 9 suddenly change to a
number 2.

INT. OFFICE

Rooney turns to the monitor. He reads off the screen.

		ROONEY
	I have it right here in front of me. He's
	missed...

He looks closer at the screen.

52  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			         52

Ferris is at his Macintosh computer. He has his record up
on the screen.

		FERRIS
	I wanted a car. I got a computer. How's
	that for being born under a bad sign?

53  INT. JOYCE'S OFFICE			       53

She's still on the phone with Rooney.

		JOYCE
	I can give you every assurance that
	Ferris is home and that he is, in
	fact, very ill. I debated whether
	or not I should even leave him.
	I can appreciate that at this time
	of year children are prone to taking
	the day off, but in Ferris' case,
	he's truly a very sick boy.

54  INT. FERRIS' BEDROOM			      54

MUSIC BLASTS. SOLO GUITAR.

CU. SPEAKER

The grille cloth is throbbing.

CU. LED METERS

The meters on the amplifier are totally in the danger zone.

CU. TV MONITOR

We see Ferris in his room with a guitar around his neck.
He's playing.

CU. VIDEO CAMERA

A home video camera is capturing Ferris on tape.

55  INT. CAMERON'S ROOM			       55

He's sitting on the edge of the bed buttoning his shirt. He
sighs deeply and fall back on the bed.

56  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY			      56

Jeanie is at her locker during a passing period. A
GIRLFRIEND comes up to her.

		GIRL
	I'm really sorry about your brother.

		JEANIE
	What're you sorry for? I have to live
	with the trouser snake.

		GIRL
	No, I mean I heard he's really sick.

		JEANIE
	Who said he's sick.

		GIRL
	A whole bunch of people. They said
	he's like on the verge of death.

Jeanie stares incredulously at the girl.

		GIRL
	This guy in my biology class said
	that if Ferris dies he's giving
	his eyes to Stevie Wonder? He's
	really sweet isn't he?

She smiles and exits. Jeanie cocks her head in bewilderment.
She kicks her locker shut.

57  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			         57

He's in bed on the phone.

		FERRIS
	A sample of my blood was sent
	to Atlanta to the Center for
	Disease Control. I don't know,
	man, I'm bricking heavily.
		(point to the
		 phone)
	Freshman.
		(to the phone)
	Did you see Alien? When the guy
	had the creature in his stomach?
	It feels like that.

58  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY			      58

A FRESHMAN BOY is on the pay phone. A couple of his BUDDIES
are standing at his side waiting anxiously for news.

		BOY
	Goddamn! Are you kidding?

		SECOND BOY
	What?

		BOY
	Did you see Alien?

		SECOND BOY
	No.

		BOY
	You never rented the video cassette?

Second boy shakes his head, no.

		BOY
	Oh. He's really wasted.

		THIRD BOY
		(to the Second Boy)
	Who's he talking to?

		SECOND BOY
	Ferris Bueller. You know him?

		THIRD BOY
		(excited)
	Yeah. He's getting me out of summer
	school.

		BOY
	Anyway, I appreciate you letting us
	know how you're doing. We gotta split.
		(pause)
	Huh?...Yeah, sure. Hold on.

		SECOND BOY
		(to Third Boy)
	Shit. I hope he doesn't die.
	I can't handle summer school.

The boy snatches a passing GIRL.

		BOY
	Did you see Alien?

		GIRL
	Yeah, why?

He hands her the phone.

		GIRL
	Hello?
		(pause)
	Who?
		(pause)
	Hi, Ferris. How's your bod?
		(jaw drops)
	Oh, my God! You're dying?
	Is it serious?
		(pause)
	Shiit! Are you upset?

59  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE			        59

Rooney's comparing his computer monitor to hard copy. His
SECRETARY is standing over his shoulder.

		ROONEY
	I don't trust this kid any further
	than I can throw him!

		SECRETARY
	With your bad knee, you better
	not throw anybody, Ed.

Rooney stares at her for a long beat.

		ROONEY
	What's so dangerous about a character
	like Ferris Bueller is that he gives
	the good kids bad ideas. The last thing
	I need at this point in my career is
	fifteen hundred Ferris Bueller disciples
	running around these halls.

		SECRETARY
	He's very popular, Ed. Sportos, motorheads,
	geeks, sluts, pinheads, dweebies, wonkers,
	richies, they all adore him.

		ROONEY
	That's exactly why I have to catch him
	this time. To show these kids that the
	example he sets is a first class ticket
	to nowhere.

		SECRETARY
		(impressed)
	Ooo. You sounded like Dirty Harry just
	now.

Rooney looks up at her with a proud smile.

		ROONEY
	Really?

He unconsciously does an Eastwood squint.

60  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE			        60

It's a glorious late spring day. A florist's truck drives
past the house.

61  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			         61

He's on the telephone. As he speaks he does a little
MacPainting on his MacIntosh. A Modigliani nude.

		FERRIS
	Cameron, if you're not over here
	in fifteen minutes, you can find
	a new best friend. I'm serious, man.
	This is bullshit, making me wait
	around the house for you.

62  INT. CAMERON'S BEDROOM			    62

Cameron's back in bed.

		CAMERON
	I'm sick. I feel like shit. Why can't
	you leave me alone?

		FERRIS' VOICE
	You're not up for some good times?
	It's a beautiful day. It's almost
	summer. If this was Hawaii, we'd be
	surfing.

63  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			         63

He's growing weary of Cameron's wimpishness.

		FERRIS
	You want to stay home and try
	to have the shits? Try to barf?
	Try to feel worse?

		CAMERON'S VOICE
	I don't have to try.

		FERRIS
	Be a man. Take some Pepto Bismol
	and get dressed. You're boring me
	with this stuff.

The other phone line rings.

		FERRIS
	Squeeze you buns for a second. I
	got another call.

He puts Cameron on hold. He clears his throat and answers
the second line. He sounds like he's on his last breath.

		FERRIS
	H--hell-o?

64  EXT. OFFICE BUILDING. DOWNTOWN		      64

A LaSalle Street office tower.

		TOM'S VOICE
	Ferris?

65  INT. TOM'S OFFICE			         65

He's behind his desk. Nice office. Two windows. Herman
Miller desk and chair.

		TOM
	You sound miserable.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Really? Darn! I thought I was improving.

		TOM
	Were you sleeping?

		FERRIS' VOICE
	I was trying to do some homework.

66  CU. COMPUTER MONITOR			      66

A closer view of the rude drawing Ferris is making.

		FERRIS (OC)
	I'm so worried about falling behind.

INT. FERRIS' ROOM

He leans back from the monitor and sips a Coke.

		FERRIS
	Dad? Can you hold on a second?

		TOM'S VOICE
	Sure, pal. Are you alright?

		FERRIS
	Just a little phlegm on the phone.
	Hold on.

He puts his father on hold.

		FERRIS
	Cameron? It's my Dad.

		CAMERON'S VOICE
	Oh, that's just great. Are you busted?

		FERRIS
	It's completely cool. He's just
	checking up on me. Now, listen to
	me. I'm working on getting some
	heavy bucks out of him. So, the least you
	can do is hurry up and get over here.
	Bye.

He disconnects and gets his father back. He switches back to
his sick voice.

		FERRIS
	Sorry, Dad. The moment before you
	called, I had a chest spasm and I
	blew lung fluid all over the place.
	It was making me ill looking at it.
	But gee, it's sure great of you to call.
	I'm sure there're alot of fathers
	who wouldn't take time out from
	their busy schedules to call a dumb,
	sick teenager.

		TOM'S VOICE
	Hey, pal, what was I supposed to do?

Ferris reaches out and hits a key on his computer. The
screen dumps the drawing.

		FERRIS
	Give yourself some credit, Dad. It
	was a mammoth gesture. It's like those
	savings bonds you used to give me
	every Christmas.
		(looks at CAMERA and smiles)
	It was that kind of concern.

CU. COMPUTER SCREEN

A message is flashing: "TRANSMITTING DATA".

INT. FERRIS' ROOM

He turns away from the computer and puts his feet up on the
desk. He lights a cigarette.

		FERRIS
	You had to work hard for the money
	to buy those things, right?

		TOM'S VOICE
	Not any harder than anybody else.

Ferris mouths Tom's words as he says them.

67  EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. DIAMONDVISION SCREEN		 67

Ferris' drawing suddenly appears on the billboard.
Pedestrians stop to look.

68  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			         68

He blows a smoke ring.

		FERRIS
	You work so hard I'll bet you don't
	even remember where those bonds are,
	right?

Ferris points a finger in the air as a cue to his father.

		TOM'S VOICE
	Wrong.

He nods.

		FERRIS
	Oh, yeah? You're pulling my leg. You're
	just trying to cheer me up.

		TOM'S VOICE
	Like hell I am. They're in a shoebox
	in my closet.

Ferris smiles. He looks at CAMERA. He's gotten exactly what
he wants.

		FERRIS
		(to CAMERA, normal
		 voice)
	Was that a class move or what?
	The guy gave it up faster than
	a drunk Catholic girl. I hope my
	kids don't pull this shit on me.
		(thinks)
	Of course, if they didn't, they'd
	be dumb and abnormal and they'd
	probably never move out of my
	house and I'd have to support them
	until I die. I take it back.
		(to the phone,
		 sick voice)
	Dad? All this talking has made me
	kind of light-headed. I think
	I better lie down.

		TOM'S VOICE
	Okay, pal. You take care. I'll
	call you after lunch.

		FERRIS
	You don't have to, Dad.

		TOM'S VOICE
	I want to. Bye now.

He hangs up. Ferris sighs.

		FERRIS
	You win some, you lose some.

He turns his desk chair around and gets up.

		FERRIS
	I'm so disappointed in Cameron.
	Twenty bucks says he's sitting
	in his car debating about whether
	or not he should go out.

69  INT. CAR. CAMERON			         69

He's sitting behind the wheel of his car.

		CAMERON
	We're gonna get caught. No doubt
	about it.

He cuts the engine.

		CAMERON
	I'm not doing it.

He sits for half a beat.

		CAMERON
	He'll keep calling until I come
	over.

He sighs and restarts the engine. Another beat.

		CAMERON
	Actually, what'll happen is I'll
	get caught. Ferris'll escape.

Another beat. He stops the engine. A CRASH OF HORROR MUSIC.

70  CU. DRESSER DRAWER			        70

Hands curl around the drawer pulls. The drawer is opened
slowly, ominously. The hands lift a sweater out. A HERALDIC
STING as we see a men's magazine beneath the sweater.

INT. FERRIS' ROOM

He takes out the magazine. He leafs through the pages for
the pictorials as he speaks.

		FERRIS
	Cameron'll go on like that for a
	good thirty minutes. The guy
	is a shellfish when it comes to
	making a decision. The reason
	he doesn't fell good is, he
	worries about everything. He's
	the only guy I know who's deeply
	concerned that when he grows up
	there'll be a critical shortage
	of strategic metals.

He exits the room.

71  INT. HALLWAY				   71

Ferris comes out of his room and heads down the hallway.

		FERRIS
	Cameron's also the only guy
	I know who knows what strategic
	metals are.
		(waves the magazine)
	Pardon moi.

He goes into the bathroom. We HEAR THE TOILET SEAT SLAM
DOWN.

		FERRIS
		(sings)
	MAYBE I'M JUST LIKE MY MOTHER,
	SHE'S NEVER SATISFIED...

72  INT. CLASSROOM. LATER			     72

A stunningly beautiful girl, SLOANE PETERSON, is sitting at
her desk in a history class. She's staring out the window as
a tweedy MALE TEACHER delivers a dry, dusty lecture.

		TEACHER
	Roosevelt's health had seriously
	deteriorated by the time he met
	with Churchill and Stalin at Yalta.
		(sneezes)
	Pardon me.

The classroom door opens and the school NURSE walks in. For
a moment, the teacher thinks she's come in because she heard
him sneeze. She crosses to him and whispers in his ear.

SLOANE

She, like the others, watches the nurse curiously.

INT. CLASSROOM. TEACHER AND NURSE

The teacher's face drops as he's delivered an obvious piece
of disturbing news. He nods grimly to the Nurse. She looks
at the kids.

		NURSE
	Sloane Peterson?

SLOANE

Sits up in her seat.

NURSE

She's a picture of compassion and understanding.

		NURSE
	May I see you outside for a moment?
	There's been an emergency.

SLOANE

A smile curls across her lips. As she gathers her books she
looks to the GIRL next to her.

		SLOANE
		(whispers)
	Dead grandmother.

73  INT. HALLWAY				   73

The Nurse is gently holding Sloane's hand.

		NURSE
		(nods solemnly)
	Dead grandmother.

74  CU. ROONEY				 74

He has a suspicious look on his face.

		ROONEY
	Dead grandmother?

INT. DEAN'S OFFICE

Rooney's at his desk. His secretary is standing across from
him.

		SECRETARY
	That's what Mr. Peterson said. I
	had Florence Sparrow notify Sloane.

		ROONEY
	Who's this girl's going with?

		SECRETARY
	It's so hard to tell. I see her
	alot with Ferris Bueller.

Rooney smiles. His suspicions are confirmed.

		ROONEY
	Could you get me Mr. Peterson's
	daytime number?

As the secretary starts out of the room, Rooney's phone
rings. She stops and answers the desk phone.

		SECRETARY
	Edward Rooney's office.
		(pause)
	Yes. Can you hold? Thank you.

She puts the call on hold.

		SECRETARY
	It's Mr. Peterson.

Rooney is startled. He thinks for a beat then reaches for
the phone.

		SECRETARY
	Do you still want his number?

Rooney answers her with an annoyed look. She smiles and
backs out. He punches the phone button.

		ROONEY
	Ed Rooney.

		MAN'S VOICE
	Ed? This is George Peterson.

		ROONEY
	How are you today, sir?

		MAN'S VOICE
	We've had a bit of bad luck this
	morning as you may have heard.

Rooney rolls his eyes. It's so obvious it's not Mr.
Peterson.

		ROONEY
	I heard. And, gosh, I'm all broken
	up. Huh? Oh, sure. I'd be happy to
	release Sloane. You produce a corpse
	and I'll release Sloane. I want to
	see this dead grandmother firsthand.

The secretary stops cold in the doorway. She turns to Rooney
in horror. He covers the phone.

		ROONEY
		(whispers)
	It's Ferris Bueller. Nervy litttle
	punk. I'm gonna set a trap and let
	his walk right into it!
		(to phone)
	That's right. Cart the stiff in and
	I'll turn over your daughter. It's
	school policy. Was this your mother?

Rooney's other line rings.

75  INT. SECRETARY'S OFFICE			   75

She steps out of Rooney's office and picks up the other
line.

		SECRETARY
	Ed Rooney's office.

Her jaw drops.

		SECRETARY
	Hold, please.

She puts the call on hold and hangs up. She hurried into
Rooney's office.

76  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE			        76

Rooney's chewing out the person on the other line.

		ROONEY
	I'll tell you want, you don't
	like my policies, you can just
	come on down and smooch by big
	old ugly ass. You hear me?

The secretary comes in. She's waving her arms furiously.
Rooney tries to wave her away. He's angry. She stomps her
foot. Rooney covers the phone.

		ROONEY
	What!?

		SECRETARY
	Ferris Bueller's on line two.

CU. ROONEY'S FOOT

It freezes in mid-tap.

CU. ROONEY'S HAND

The pencils falls from his fingers.

CU. ROONEY'S FACE

A mask of horror. He glances at the phone.

CU. PHONE

The second line light is flashing.

CU. ROONEY

He blinks, cocks his head, twitches.

77  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			         77

He's zipping his pants, fastening his belt. The phone's
cradled against his shoulder. He speaks in the same voice he
used on his father.

		FERRIS
	Mr. Rooney? I'm sorry to disturb
	you at work but I was wondering if
	it would be possible for my sister
	to bring home any assignments from
	my classes that I may need.

78  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY			78

He's staring blankly ahead.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Thank you, sir.

He nods.

CU. PHONE

Rooney's finger gingerly presses the button on the waiting
call.

CU. ROONEY

He winces as he returns to the first call.

79  INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. KITCHEN		         79

Cameron's on the phone in the kitchen. He's doing a deep,
phoney "father" voice.

		CAMERON
	You oughta be sorry for Christ's
	sake! A family member dies and
	you insult me. What's the matter
	with you, anyway?

80  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE. ROONEY			80

He apologies profusely to Cameron. He's perspiring,
trembling.

		ROONEY
	I don't know. I thought you were
	someone else. You have to know,
	sir, that I would never deliberately
	insult you. I can't begin to tell
	you how embarrassed I am.

		CAMERON'S VOICE
	Pardon my French but you're an asshole!

Rooney nods enthusiastically.

		ROONEY
	Absolutely! I most certainly am.

81  INT. KITCHEN				   81

Cameron lays into Rooney.

		CAMERON
	This isn't over yet, buster. You
	just make sure my daughter's out
	in front of the school in ten
	minutes. Do you read me?

		ROONEY'S VOICE
	Load and clear, Mr. Peterson.

		CAMERON
	Call me sir, goddamn it!

		ROONEY'S VOICE
	Sir.

		CAMERON
	That's better.

Ferris strolls into the kitchen to catch the last of the
conversation. Cameron covers the phone.

		CAMERON
		(to Ferris)
	I'm scared shitless, Ferris! What
	is Rooney guesses my voice!

		FERRIS
	Impossible. You're doing great.

Cameron sighs and goes back to the phone.

		CAMERON
		(clears his throat)
	I don't have all day to bark at you
	so I'll make this short and sweet.

Ferris gives Cameron an enthusiastic thumbs up.

		FERRIS
		(mouths)
	Great!

Cameron smiles proudly.

		CAMERON
	I want my daughter out in front
	of the school in ten minutes. By
	herself. I don's want anyone around...

Ferris smacks Cameron. He's said the wrong thing. He covers
the phone.

		CAMERON
	What'd I do?

		FERRIS
	Out in front my herself? It's too
	suspicious! He'll think something's
	up, moron. Cover it.

Cameron panics. He holds the phone out to Ferris.

		CAMERON
	You do it!

Ferris waves his arms angrily.

		FERRIS
	Talk!

Cameron takes a deep breath. He clears his throat and puts
on his father's voice.

		CAMERON
	I changed my mind, fella. You be out
	in front with her! I wanna have a
	few words with you!

Ferris slaps Cameron. The phone flies out of his hand.

82  CU. ROONEY				 82

He winces as the phone hits the floor with a loud CLONK!
We HEAR THE BOYS SCRAMBLING TO PICK UP THE PHONE, THEN
CAMERON CLEARING HIS THROAT.

		CAMERON'S VOICE
	On second thought, I don't have
	time to talk to you. We'll get
	together soon and have lunch.

We HEAR A SLAP AND THE CALL DISCONNECTS.

83  INT. FERRIS' KITCHEN			      83

Cameron's rubbing the side of his head.

		CAMERON
	Why'd you hit me?!

		FERRIS
	Where's your brain?!

		CAMERON
	Why'd you hit me?!

		FERRIS
	Where's your brain?!

		CAMERON
	Why'd you hit me?

		FERRIS
	Where's your brain?

		CAMERON
	I asked you first.

		FERRIS
	How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney's
	going to be there with her?!

		CAMERON
	I said for her to be there alone
	and you freaked!

		FERRIS
	My, God, you're so stupid!
		(aside)
	I didn't hit you, I lightly slapped
	you.

		CAMERON
	You hit me. Look, don't ask me to
	participate in your crap if you
	don't like the way I do it!

Ferris is incredulous at Cameron's stupidity. Cameron's
anger is intensified by his embarrassment.

		CAMERON
	I was home, sick. You get me out of
	bed, being me over here, make me
	jeopardize my future, make me do
	a phoney phone call on a dean of
	students, a man who could squeeze
	my nuts into oblivion and then
	you deliberately hurt my feelings.

		FERRIS
	I didn't deliberately hurt your feelings.

		CAMERON
	Oh, really?

		FERRIS
	Yeah, really.

Cameron glares at Ferris.

		CAMERON
	Hey, Ferris? Have a nice life.

He turns and heads out of the room. Ferris sighs.
		FERRIS
	Cameron?

		CAMERON
	Stick it up your ass, Ferris.

		FERRIS
	Cameron, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
	to jam you. It was uncalled for.

Cameron stops.

		CAMERON
	You're serious?

He turns around.

		FERRIS
	Dead serious.

Cameron smiles. He appreciates Ferris apology.

		CAMERON
	Thanks.

		FERRIS
	You did screw up through, right?
	Not that is was necessarily all
	you fault. Right?

		CAMERON
		(suspiciously)
	Why?

		FERRIS
	To fix this situation, I'm going
	to have to ask you for a small favor.

Cameron's jaw drops.

84  INT. GARAGE				84

The door opens slowly, dramatically as we hear a heraldic
fanfare. Light streams in to reveal Cameron and Ferris
looking at the car. Ferris is smiling with excitement and
awe. Cameron is frowning with trepidation and fear.

CU. FERRARI STALLION

The prancing black stallion. We move up from the stallion to
the erotic red hood of a 1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California.

CAMERON AND FERRIS

Cameron's face is ashen. The end of the world is at hand.
Ferris is in heaven.

		CAMERON
		(grim monotone)
	1958 Ferrari 250 GTS California. Less
	than a hundred were made. It has a
	market value of $265,000. My father
	spent three years restoring it. It
	is joy, it is his love, it is his
	passion.

		FERRIS
	It is his fault he didn't lock the
	garage.

		CAMERON
	Ferris, my father loves this car more
	than life itself. We can't take is out.

		FERRIS
	A man with priorities so far out of
	whack doesn't deserve such a fine
	automobile.

		CAMERON
	He never drives it, Ferris. He just
	rubs it with a diaper.

		FERRIS
	We can't pick up Sloane in your car,
	Cameron. Rooney'd never believe Mr.
	Peterson drives that piece of shit.

		CAMERON
	It's not a piece of shit.

		FERRIS
	It's a piece of shit. Don't worry
	about it. I don't even have a piece
	of shit. I have to envy yours. Look,
	I'm sorry but there's nothing else
	we can do.

		CAMERON
	He knows the mileage, Ferris. He has
	it tatooed on his wrist.

		FERRIS
	He doesn't trust you?

		CAMERON
	No.

		FERRIS
	Alright, look, this is real simple.
He puts his arm around Cameron.

		FERRIS
	Whatever miles we put on it, we'll
	take off.

		CAMERON
		(suspicious)
	How?

		FERRIS
		(big, proud smile)
	We'll drive home backwards.

Cameron shakes his head, no.

		CAMERON
	Forget it. I'm putting my foot down,
	Ferris. You'll have to think of
	something else...

CU. FERRARI GRILLE

Cameron's protests are drowned out by the distinctive roar
of the twelve cylinders.

		CAMERON'S VOICE
	...You're not talking me into this
	one. I have to live with the man.
	I'm sorry but...

The roar of the engine is overtaken by the sound of a
crowded school hallway.

85  INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE			       85

She comes out of a classroom. She stops as Sloane and Rooney
walk past. Sloane has her coat on and she's carrying her
books. Jeanie watches her suspiciously.

86  EXT. SCHOOL				86

The Ferrari is parked out in front. The top is down.

87  INT. FERRARI				   87

Ferris is driving. He's wearing a man's hat and sunglasses.
Cameron's in the back.

		CAMERON
	Are you crazy?! Put the top back
	up!

		FERRIS
	This is perfect top-down weather.
		CAMERON
	What about Rooney?

		FERRIS
	Cameron, the more obvious we are,
	the less likely we are to get
	caught.

		CAMERON
	That makes no sense whatsoever.

		FERRIS
	The adult mind is a suspicious
	machine.
		(look around at Cameron)
	Stay down, man.

Cameron squeezes himself lower.

		CAMERON
	Howcome it's my Dad's car and
	I'm taking all the risk and I have
	to ride back here?

		FERRIS
	I don't have an explanation.

88  EXT. SCHOOL				88

Rooney and Sloane come out the door.

		ROONEY
	Once again let me say how deeply
	saddened I am by your loss.

		SLOANE
	Huh?

		ROONEY
	Were you close to your grandmother?

		SLOANE
	Oh. Um. Yeah. Very. She was a terrific
	lady. Very hip. Very old. Yeah.

		DEEP VOICE
	Oh, Sloane! Dear!

Sloane looks across at the Ferrari. Rooney looks.

THEIR POV

Ferris is looking out across the roof of the Ferrari. He's
careful to keep his nose and mouth below the roofline.

		FERRIS
	Hurry along now!

EXT. SCHOOL

Rooney's suspicious. Sloane smiles and bids Rooney a hasty
farewell.

		SLOANE
	I guess that's my Dad. Thanks.
	See ya.

She hurries to the car. Rooney watches her. Something does
compute for him.

89  INT. SCHOOL. JEANIE			       89

She's watching out the door. She sees the Ferrari pull away.

90  EXT. SCHOOL. ROONEY			       90

He can't quite put his finger on what's bothering him.

91  INT. FERRARI				   91

Sloane shrieks with delight. She leans across the console
and gives Ferris a kiss.

		SLOANE
	This is so great! I can't believe
	it! Right in front of Rooney!

She laughs and turns to Cameron.

		SLOANE
	Hi, Cameron. You comfortable?

		CAMERON
	Hi. No.

		SLOANE
	What a fabulous car!

		CAMERON
	Enjoy it quick. It' s going home.

		FERRIS
	It was risky, it was bold but
	it was totally necessary.

		SLOANE
	What're we gonna do?

		FERRIS
	The question isn't "what are we
	gonna do", the question is "what
	aren't we going to do."

		CAMERON
	Don't tell me we're not going to
	take the car home. Please.

		FERRIS
		(to CAMERA)
	If you had access to a car like this
	would you take it back right away?
	Would you give up feeling like a
	ton just to ease your best friend's
	tension?

He smiles.

		FERRIS
	Either would I.

92  EXT. STREET. FERRARI			      92

It accelerates away like a shot.

93  EXT. SUBURBAN BANK			        93

A fresh, modern bank building. The clock outside read 9:53.
The Ferrari pulls into the parking lot.

94  INT. BANK. DOORS				94

Ferris, Cameron and Sloane walk in. Ferris is cocky and
confident. Sloane's still intoxicated with her freedom.
Cameron's having stomach trouble. Ferris leads the way to an
open teller window.

INT. BANK. TELLER

A WOMAN about seventy with a silver blue beehive. It's about
four inches higher the highest beehive you're ever seen. As
she moves the beehive hits a small sign over her head. She's
been at the bank since they opened. She smiles when she sees
Ferris.

		TELLER
	Ferris Bueller?

FERRIS

He's at the window. On either shoulder are Cameron and
Sloane. Ferris smiles. Cameron blanches.

		FERRIS
	Hello, Mrs. Froeling. How are you?

TELLER

She pats the rock-solid mass of blue hair. In doing so she
locates a missing ball point pen. She withdraws it from the
hair and smiles at it's reappearance.

		TELLER
	I passed a kidney stone Tuesday, so
	I'm a little pooped but other than
	that, I'm as chipper as can be.
		(something occurs to her)
	Say, should you be in school?

FERRIS

He lays his savings bonds on the counter.

		FERRIS
	Me?
		(polite laugh)
	I'm out of school, Mrs. Froeling.
	In fact. I'm married. This is my
	wife...Madonna.

Sloane suppresses a laugh.

		FERRIS
		(to Cameron)
	And this is my brother-in-law,
	ZZ Top. ZZ, this is Mrs. Froeling.

Cameron isn't amused.

		TELLER
		(to Cameron)
	Is Top a Slavic name?

		CAMERON
	Yeah.

		FERRIS
	I'd like to cash these in, please.
	We're having a baby and we need the
	cash for a crib, clothes, diapers,
	food pellets, leash, water dish...

INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW

Mrs. Froeling takes the bonds with a hearty smile. The
latter part of the conversation sails over her like a line
drive.

		TELLER
	A baby!
		(to Sloane)
	You must be so excited.

Cameron groans and turns away from the sham.

		SLOANE
	I'm thrilled, ma'am. I'm especially
	looking forward to wearing those
	jeans with the stretch panel in
	front.

Mrs. Froeling thumbs through the bonds.

		TELLER
	Are you hoping for a boy or
	a girl?

		SLOANE
	Actually, we're hoping for a car.

CU. CAMERON

He's spooked by the games playing. He scans the bank
nervously. He blinks, focuses, blinks again.

HIS POV

Joyce is with a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE and their bored,
sour-puss teenage son, BOYD. He's sitting in a chair with
his legs slung over the sides waving a Bic lighter back and
forth across his rump. The parents are Joyce's clients from
Vermont. A LOAN OFFICER is discussing the local financing
situation with them. His is an open office adjacent to the
teller windows. Joyce's back is to the tellers.

CU. CAMERON

It's like he's just witnesses an ax murder.

		CAMERON
	Shit...

INT. BANK. JOYCE

Her back is to the teller windows. She's conducting her
meeting. Behind her we see Cameron grab Ferris and point her
out to him. He waves. Cameron slaps his arm.

INT. BANK. TELLER WINDOW

Mrs. Froeling shows Ferris the savings bonds.

		TELLER
	These bonds aren't mature. If you hold
	onto them another two years you'll get
	an additional four dollars...

		FERRIS
	I'm aware of that.

		TELLER
	You're throwing away four dollars.

		FERRIS
	No, ma'am, I'm giving it to the
	government. They need it. Do you
	know what an aircraft carrier's
	going for these days?

INT. BANK. JOYCE

She concludes her meeting. She shakes hands with the loan
officer and stands. The Vermont Couple stands. Boyd scrapes
the bottom of his shoe on the desk, leaving a glob of mud
behind and he stands. Joyce turns into the bank. Ferris,
Cameron and Sloane are gone. She escorts her customers out.

INT. BANK. DOOR

Joyce and the Vermont Couple approach the doors. Boyd lays a
luggie in the drinking fountain. Mrs. Froeling passes with
the savings bonds. She stops when she sees Joyce.

		JOYCE
	Mrs. Froeling, how are you?

		MRS. FROELING
	I passed a kidney stone Tuesday.
		(shifts gears, to Joyce)
	Say, you must be very proud.

Joyce doesn't know what she's talking about.

		MRS. FROELING
		(whispers)
	I met Madonna.

She pats Joyce on the arm.

		MRS. FROELING
	She told me everything. Keep me posted,
	I'll want to send a gift.

She toodles on her way. Joyce and the Vermont Couple are
completely baffled.

95  EXT. BANK				  95

Joyce and the Vermont Couple walk along the side of the
bank, heading for the parking lot. Boyd's tagging along
behind. He picks up a stone and hurls it into the parking
lot.

		JOYCE
	My son's home sick today. If
	you wouldn't mind, on our way
	back to the office, I'd like
	to just run in and check up on him.

We HEAR A METALLIC PING! as Boyd's missle hits a car.

		MOTHER
	Of course.

They pass a show window. As they pass, we hold on the
window. It's promoting saving for college educations. A
mannequin father is congratulating his mannequin son in a
mortar and gown as a stiff Sloane, Ferris and Cameron look
on proudly.

96  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE			        96

His secretary is dialing a number for him.

		SECRETARY
	This is the Peterson's home.

She hands the phone to Rooney.

		SECRETARY
	Watch your mouth this time.

Rooney glares at her.

		ROONEY
	Ferris Bueller's behind this. There's
	no doubt in my mind. That's what I was
	saying this morning. Why he has to be stopped.
	He's got Sloane Peterson involved in this
	thing now. See?

The secretary nods.

		SECRETARY
	And her grandmother, too.

97  CU. PHONE ANSWER MACHINE			  97

It clicks on. We hear a grieved woman's voice. It sounds an
awful lot like Sloane.

		SLOANE
	We can't come to the phone right now.
	We've had a death in the family. If
	you need to reach us we'll be at
	the following number...

98  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE			        98

Rooney quickly takes down a number.

99  EXT. CAMERON'S HOUSE			      99

His answering machine clicks on. We hear Cameron's voice.

		CAMERON'S VOICE
	You have reached the Coughlin Bros.
	Mortuary. We are unable to come to
	the phone right now but if you'll leave
	your name and number...

100  INT. DEAN'S OFFICE			       100

Rooney hangs up the phone.

		ROONEY
	Something's going on, goddamn it.

The secretary's looking at a newspaper on Rooney's desk.
She's not listening to him.

		SECRETARY
	There's a railroad strike.

		ROONEY
	And I'm going to stop it!

		SECRETARY
	My brother-in-law'll appreciate it.

Rooney looks at her, puzzled.

		ROONEY
	What?

		SECRETARY
	My brother-in-law rides the train
	to work.

Rooney stares at her like she's crazy.

		ROONEY
	Who gives a good goddamn?

101  EXT. EDENS EXPRESSWAY			    101

The major thoroughfare into the city of Chicago from the
suburbs. The Ferrari streaks past. In the distance we see
the Sears Tower, the Hancock Building and the Standard Oil
Building.

102  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY			     102

Jeanie's walking down the hall. She's stopped by a KID with
a Coke can.

		KID
	Yo. We're collecting money to
	buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney.

Jeanie stares at him. She's flabbergasted at the proportions
her brother's scan has reached.

		KID
	They run about fifty g's so it
	you could help out...

		JEANIE
	Go piss up a flagpole!

		KID
	Huh?

She knocks the can out of his hands and storms down the hall.
The kid yells after her.

		KID
	Hey, babe! Some day you might
	need a favor from Ferris Bueller!
	Then where'll you be?!

He reaches for the can.

		KID
	Heartless wench...

103  EXT. CHICAGO LOOP. PARKING GARAGE		  103

The Ferrari pulls into a large parking garage.

EXT. GARAGE

Ferris, Sloane and Cameron get out. Cameron's having fits.

		CAMERON
	We can't leave the car here!

		FERRIS
	Why not?
		CAMERON
	Because we can't! I want it back
	home where it belongs!

		SLOANE
	What could happen to it?

		CAMERON
	It could get stolen, wrecked, scratched,
	you name it.

		FERRIS
	I'll give the guy a five to watch it.

		CAMERON
	What guy?

CU. PARKING ATTENDANT

He smiles with relish at the car. 6'6", 240. An IQ that
equals his hourly wage. Shoulder-length hair stuffed into a
hairnet Gold teeth. Earring. Goatee.

EXT. PARKING LOT

The Attendant swaggers over to the car. Ferris slips him a
give.

		FERRIS
	You speak English?

		ATTENDANT
	Since I was three.

		FERRIS
	Great. I want to you take extra special
	care of this vehicle, okay?

He pats the Attendant on the arm. He smiles.

		ATTENDANT
	Like it's a beautiful woman.

		FERRIS
	I appreciate it.

The Attendant very gingerly gets into the car. Ferris turns
to Cameron. The Ferrari pulls into the lot very slowly, very
carefully. No squealing tires, no revving engine.

		FERRIS
	See what a finski can do to
	a person's attitude? He's going
	to treat it like a beautiful
	woman.

		CAMERON
	Yeah, sure. Whip it with a stick
	and piss on the hood.

		SLOANE
	Oh, please, Cameron. Do you have to
	be so graphic?

She heads down the street.

		SLOANE
	This is so right!

Ferris nudges Cameron on. They exit the garage and head
after Sloane. A long beat and the Ferrari creeps down the
exit ramp of the garage. It's gone in the entrance and out
the exit. Another attendant jumps in the passenger side.
He's skinny, tall, with a huge knit hat willed with dreads.
He lets out a spirited laugh and the Ferrari peels out of
the lot. It heads down the street away from Sloane, Ferris
and Cameron.

104  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE			       104

Joyce's care pulls in the driveway. She gets out and heads up
the house.

105  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			        105

It's dark. There's a figure in the bed. We hear soft
snoring. A wire runs from under the bed covers to the closet
door to the door to the room itself.

INT. ROOM. DOOR KNOB

The wire is tied to the doorknob. It's taut. Downstairs, we
hear a door open and close.

106  INT. HOUSE. STAIRWAY			     106

Joyce quietly walks up the stairs.

107  INT. HOUSE. HALLWAY			      107

Joyce comes up the stairs and crosses to Ferris' room. She
listens at the door. WE HEAR THE SNORING.

CU. DOORKNOB

Joyce slowly turns the doorknob and pushes the door open a
crack.

HER POV

The door opens and the figure-like lump in the bed moves.

CU. JOYCE

She smiles and closes the door.

108  INT. ROOM. CLOSET			        108

The closet door is open. The wire from the bedroom door is
strung over the top of the closet door. A trophy is attached
to the end of the wire and it's resting on a yard stick. As
the bedroom door closes, the trophy lifts up off the
yardstick and the lump in the bed goes back down to it's
original position.

CU. FERRIS' SYNTHESIZER

Little LED's are lighting up to the rhythm of the snoring.
The snoring it simulated.

109  INT. HALLWAY				  109

Joyce listens at the door another beat. She's smiles with
relief and affection.

110  EXT. SEARS TOWER. LATER			  110

HELICOPTER SHOT moves in on the world's tallest building. As
it passes we see three figures pressed against the windows.

		FERRIS (VO)
	This is the world's tallest building.
	From our vantage point here on the
	103 floor, we are provided with a
	view of four states.

		CAMERON (VO)
	Do you think the car's alright?

		FERRIS (VO)
	Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin and
	my personal favorite, Indiana.

111  INT. SEARS TOWER OBSERVATION DECK		  111

Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are standing against the window.

		CAMERON
	I don't feel good, Ferris. Are
	we gonna stay long?

		FERRIS
	Take a step back...

Ferris steps back. Sloane and Cameron follow suit.

		FERRIS
	Now, lean against the glass. Like
	this...

He leans forward, putting all his weight on his forehead.

		FERRIS
	And look down.

Sloane leans forward. Cameron follows, reluctantly.

		SLOANE
	Oh, shit!

HER POV

The street far, far below. A dizzying view.

INT. OBSERVATION DECK

The three are leaning against the glass.

		SLOANE
	What if the glass gives?

		FERRIS
	Death.

		SLOANE
	Cool.

CU. CAMERON

He's looking down.

		CAMERON
	I think I see my Dad.

112  EXT. STREET LEVEL			        112

A middle-aged man, Cameron's father, HORACE FRYE, is
standing on the street corner. He's lean, clean, tough and
humorless. He's wearing a puzzled look on his face.

		CAMERON'S FATHER
	I think I see my car.

HIS POV

The Ferrari screams down the avenue and disappears down the
underground ramp.

113  INT. SEARS TOWER LOBBY			   113

Ferris and Sloane bound down the escalator. Cameron follows
glumly. They dance past the giant Calder mobile. They're
singing.

		FERRIS AND SLOANE
	I BEEN ALL 'ROUND THIS GREAT BIG WORLD
	AND I'VE SEEN ALL KINDS OF GIRLS
	YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET
	BACK IN THE STATES
	BACK TO THE CUTEST GIRLS IN THE WORLD
	I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA
	I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA

114  EXT. STREET				   114

Ferris and Sloane burst out the doors garnering the annoyed
stares of the business people busily going in and out of the
building. Cameron politely waits his turn to exit. Ferris
and Sloane head down the street. Cameron follows.

		FERRIS AND SLOANE
	I WISH THEY ALL COULD BE CALIFORNIA GIRLS!

115  EXT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE		   115

Giant old monolith.

116  INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE. TRADING ROOM	    116

Traders are frantically buying and selling commodities.

117  INT. GALLERY				  117

Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the gallery
watching the proceedings.

		SLOANE
	Do you love me?

		FERRIS
	Do you love me?

		SLOANE
	I asked you first.

		FERRIS
	Yes. You?

		SLOANE
	Yes.

		FERRIS
	Would I trash a day of education to
	be with you if I didn't love you?

		SLOANE
	Yes.

		FERRIS
	Would I risk damaging a deep and
	wonderfully enriching relationship
	with my parents if I didn't love you?

		SLOANE
	Yes.

		FERRIS
	Would I have introduced you as my wife
	if I didn't love you?

		SLOANE
	Wait a minute. That was a lie.

		FERRIS
	True.

Ferris puts his arm around Sloane.

		FERRIS
	Would you want to get married? I
	mean if I wasn't an asshole.

		SLOANE
	Sure.

		FERRIS
		(serious)
	Today?

Sloane stares at him. Is he serious.

		FERRIS
	I'm game.

		SLOANE
	No way!

		FERRIS
	I'll do it, if you will.

Cameron suddenly adds his two cents.

		CAMERON
	You need a blood test.

Ferris looks around at him.

		FERRIS
	Huh?

		CAMERON
	If your blood's not compatible,
	you could produce a pinhead. The
	state requires a blood test.

		FERRIS
	So?

		CAMERON
	So, you can't get married today.

		FERRIS
	Tomorrow?

		CAMERON
	If you get a blood test today.

		SLOANE
	I'm not getting married.

		CAMERON
	I'm with you, babe.

		FERRIS
	Why not?

		SLOANE
	What do you mean, why not? Think
	about it.

		FERRIS
	Besides being too young and your
	father hating my guts and not
	having any place to live and feeling
	awkward about being the only cheer-
	leader with a husband, give me a
	good reason why not.

		CAMERON
	I'll give you two. My mother and
	father.

Ferris and Sloane look at him curiously.

		CAMERON
	They're married and they hate each other.
		(to Ferris)
	You've seen them. Am I right?

		FERRIS
	You're father's a toad and your
	Mom's always wired out, but so what?
	They're old. That's natural.

		CAMERON
	It makes me puke. Seeing people
	treat each other like that. It's
	like the car. He loves the car.
	He hates his wife.

		SLOANE
	My parents are divorced. So what?
	It's not like it doesn't happen
	ten thousand times a day.

		CAMERON
	Just because it happens doesn't
	make it right. Are you comfortable
	with it?

		SLOANE
	No. It's not something I can get comfortable
	with. I've tried. Are yours divorced?

		CAMERON
	They may as well be.

		SLOANE
	Do you think they're staying together
	because of you?

Cameron hasn't seen it that way. He shrugs.

		SLOANE
	Do they like you?

It hasn't occured to Cameron that his parents might not like
him. That parental love might not be a given.

		CAMERON
	Yeah. Sure.

		SLOANE
	Consider this...my father canned me
	and my brother and my Mom for a
	twenty five year old dipso with fake
	tits. He dropped us like a rock. Everything
	was cool at our house. I thought so.
	We all thought so. Then BLAM! It's over.

		FERRIS
		(to CAMERA)
	This is all news to me. She keeps a
	pretty good secret.

		SLOANE
		(to Cameron)
	It was pure selfishness. When I have
	a kid, I don't care how much I want
	something, if it's gonna screw-up the
	kid, forget it.

		FERRIS
		(to CAMERA)
	She's not lying.

		CAMERON
	You could change.

		SLOANE
	Yeah. But I'm gonna try not to.
	I'm gonna think about it. I'm
	gonna try to prevent it.

		FERRIS
	This is optomism. It's a common
	trait with my age group. Adults
	think it's cute, it's like a charming
	quick that infests youth. But it's
	a cool thing and I think, deep down,
	crusty old shits wish they had some.
	They wish they had her, too.
		(points to Sloane)
	Sorry. She's taken.

		CAMERON
	I'd rather not have my family break
	apart, thank you.

		SLOANE
	Well, you know what? It ain't up
	to you. It's out of your hands.

		CAMERON
	So, I in other words, I should just
	sit back and watch it crumble?

		SLOANE
	You're merely an inhabitant in their
	universe.

		FERRIS
	Frightening choice of words.

		SLOANE
	They call the shots. When you split
	from them, you call the shots.

		CAMERON
	So, you're saying I should run away?

		FERRIS
	No. She's saying it's time for lunch.

		SLOANE
	What?

		FERRIS
	Let's go feed Cameron.

They stand up and head out. Ferris hangs back a moment. He
cups his hands to his mouth. He yells at the top of his
voice.

		FERRIS
	BUY!

And he exits. Cool and casual.

118  INT. CHICAGO MERCANTILE EXCHANGE.  TRADING FLOOR	  118

It explodes with activity in response to Ferris' shout.
We HEAR A RADIO ANNOUNCER.

		ANNOUNCER
	Commodity prices rose sharply today
	in unusually heavy trading...

119  EXT. RESTAURANT				119

A French restaurant on the Gold Coast.  It's noon.

120  INT. RESTAURANT				120

Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are standing in the restaurant.
Ferris is looking at the maitre 'd's reservations book.

HIS POV

His fingers runs down to a party of three for 12:00.

INT. RESTAURANT

The maitre'd returns.

		MAITRE'D
		(to Ferris)
	May I help you?

		FERRIS
	Yes. I'm Abe Frohman. Party of
	three for 12:00.

The maitre'd looks at Ferris curiously.

		FERRIS
	Is there a problem?

		MAITRE'D
	You're Abe Frohman?

		FERRIS
	I'm Abe Frohman.

		MAITRE'D
		(chuckles)
	I'm sorry, son. I'm very busy right
	now. If you have trouble finding the
	door...

Sloane tugs Ferris' sleeve. He ignores her.

		FERRIS
	Are you suggesting that I'm not
	who I say I am?

		MAITRE'D
	Shall I call the police?

		CAMERON
	Let's go...Abe.

		FERRIS
	I'm not going anywhere.
		(to the Maitre'd)
	Call the police. Go ahead. Better
	yet...
		(grabs the phone)
	...I'll call myself.

Cameron chokes. Sloane grits her teeth. The maitre'd smiles
smuggly.

CU. PHONE

Ferris punches out a number. A beat and the restaurant's
second line lights up and the phone rings.

INT. RESTAURANT

The maitre'd motions for the phone so that he can answer the
call. Ferris waves him off angrily.

		FERRIS
	You touch me and I yell "rat!"
	There's another phone around here.
	Find it.

The maitre'd backs off.

		CAMERON
	Ferris, let's split, please?

		SLOANE
	Cameron's right. We're gonna
	get busted.

		FERRIS
	Not a chance in the world.

He hands the phone to Sloane.

		FERRIS
	Ask for Abe Frohman.

INT. RESTAURANT. LATER

Ferris, Sloane and Cameron are seated in the restaurant. The
maitre'd is hovering over Ferris.

		MAITRE'D
	I appreciate your understanding.

		FERRIS
	Don't grovel, Charles. Just leave
	us to our repast and all will be
	forgotten.

		MAITRE'D
	Enjoy your luncheon.

		FERRIS
	Thank you.

The maitre'd backs away. Ferris smiles. Sloane is impressed.
Cameron is flushed with nerves.

		FERRIS
	Darling, you were wonderful.

		SLOANE
	Oh, but I had a wonderful teacher.

		FERRIS
	Cameron, dear friend?

Cameron looks to Ferris.

		FERRIS
	And you thought we wouldn't have
	any fun. Shame on you.

Ferris disappears behind his menu.

121  EXT. SCHOOL				   121

We HEAR HALLWAY SOUNDS AND JEANIE.

		JEANIE (VO)
	Ferris Bueller's days are numbered.

122  INT. GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM			  122

Jeanie's sitting on a bench in a field hockey uniform. She's
talking to a FRIEND.

		JEANIE
		(mean, vicious)
	I'm gonna bust his buns.

		FRIEND
	Why? What's the point?

		JEANIE
	Why? Because I'm sick of the little
	dope. He manipulates my parents, he
	does whatever he wants, whenever he
	wants and he never gets nailed.
		(wicked pause)
	Well, babe, today I'm the hammer.

She yanks angrily on the velcro strap on her sneakers. The
straps rip off in her hand.

		FRIEND
	I think he's cute.

		JEANIE
	Sweetie, it's an established fact that
	you have no taste. Ferris is not cute.
	He's not charming. He's not nice. He's
	not a wonderful person. He's an ignorant
	mule and the sooner everybody in this
	school comes to that realization the
	better off we'll all be.

She displays the velcro straps to her friend.

		JEANIE
	See? My brother strokes you, you
	sympathize with him, I get pissed
	off and this is what happens!

Jeanie tosses the straps on the floor.

		JEANIE
	Let me tell you something. I study
	hard, I work hard, I'm polite, I'm
	considerate, I'm friendly and fair
	to all kinds of people. Except
	morons. I try to be everything a
	good, decent person should be and
	you know what?

		FRIEND
	Everybody thinks you're an asshole.

Jeanie freezes with her next sentence pinned to her tongue.

		JEANIE
	Excuse me?

		FRIEND
	I don't think you're an asshole.

		JEANIE
	Who does?

Her friend smiles sheepishly.

		JEANIE
	Rachel?

Jeanie's friend shrugs, wags her head, does everything but
verbally confirm.

		JEANIE
	Rachel's a dirt bag. Who else?

		FRIEND
	I don't know. Just forget it.

		JEANIE
	Forget that everybody thinks I'm an
	asshole? Would you like everybody to
	think you're an asshole?

		FRIEND
	Not everybody thinks you're an
	asshole. Mr. Rooney likes you.

		JEANIE
	Oh, hey. That's exciting. A fat
	fifty year old clod with B.O.
	likes me.

Jeanie shakes her head in disbelief.

		JEANIE
	Would everybody be happier if
	maybe I were to die in a flaming
	car accident or something?

		FRIEND
	Maybe if you didn't cat like and
	asshole...

		JEANIE
	Am I acting like an asshole?

		FRIEND
	I didn't mean it that way.

		JEANIE
	I this a conspiracy to shit all
	over me or something? Is my brother
	behind this? Tell me if he is or I'll
	sock your tits.

		FRIEND
	You really do have a problem, Jeanie.

		JEANIE
	Me? I have a problem?

		FRIEND
	Somebody who threatens to sock people's
	tits has a problem.

		JEANIE
	Alright. How about if I sock your
	face?

Jeanie's friend gets up.

		FRIEND
	Take a walk, Jeanie.

Her friend exits.

		JEANIE
		(yells after her)
	If it means anything to you, I
	have my period! MY BODY'S RIDDING
	ITSELF OF OLD EGGS, GODDAMN IT!

She snarls and slumps against the lockers.

		JEANIE
	He's gone. He's over. He's monkey meat.

123  INT. MEN'S ROOM. CHEZ PAUL		         123

Ferris is standing at the urinal.

		FERRIS
	She's a person who views life as
	an ordeal that must be endured. Her
	body is a transport vehicle for her
	anger. I don't know where she gets
	this shit. Basically, the family's
	pretty cool.

He looks down at the urinal.

		FERRIS
	I wonder if everybody shoots at
	cigarette butts in urinals? Probably
	not many women.
		(continues)
	I used to think that my family was
	the only one that had weirdness
	in it. It used to worry me. Then I
	met Cameron and I saw how his
	family functioned.

He zips this trousers and steps away from the urinal.

		FERRIS
	Cameron's home life is really shit.
	He wasn't lying. That's why he's sick
	all the time. It really upsets him.
	What he said about his parents hating
	each other? I refuse to sleep over at
	his house. His parents fight all the
	time. Even when I'm there. Is there
	anything worse than being at somebody's
	house when their parents are fighting?
	It's the absolute height of social
	discomfort.

He checks his hair in the mirror.

		FERRIS
	When they go after each other, Cameron
	tightens up. It's scary. He gets so
	wadded-up, you couldn't pry his buns
	apart with a crowbar. The thing with
	taking his old man's car? It's good
	for him. It teaches him to deal with
	his fear. Plus, and I must
	be honest here, I love driving it.
	I highly recommend picking one up.

He exists the men's room. We hold a beat. A toilet flushes.
Another beat and Tom walks out of the stall. He crosses to
the sink.

124  INT. RESTAURANT				124

Cameron and Sloane have been served their lunches. They're
staring at the plates.

		CAMERON
	What is it?

		SLOANE
	I don't know. But it looks like
	it's already been eaten and digested.

		CAMERON
	I knew it was a mistake letting
	Ferris order for us.

Ferris slides over to the table and drops into his seat.

		FERRIS
	What are you doing?

Cameron looks at Ferris.

		CAMERON
	What is this shit?

		FERRIS
	You got me. I don't speak French.

He puts his napkin in his lap and smells his plate.

		FERRIS
	I think it's a land-based beefoid
	creature.

He takes a bite. He savors the taste.

		FERRIS
	Splendid.

		CAMERON
	Really?

		FERRIS
	Superb.

Cameron and Sloane try theirs. They chew tentatively.

		FERRIS
	Good?

Sloane and Cameron shrug. It's not bad. A WAITER passes.
Ferris stops him.

		FERRIS
	Yo, Clouseau!

The waiter stops and looks at Ferris indignantly.

		FERRIS
	I have a growth on my brain that
	causes memory lapses. Could you
	tell me what we ordered here?

The waiter glances at the plates.

		WAITER
	Sweetbreads.

		FERRIS
	Uh, huh. And what might that be?

		WAITER
	Pancreas.

		FERRIS
	As in the gland that has important
	functions in digestion and metabolism?

CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON

They stop chewing. They're holding their sweetbreads in their
mouths.

CU. FERRIS

He continues his questioning.

		FERRIS
	...That secretes a thick, colorless fluid
	containing digestive enzymes? The home
	of the world famous isles of Langerhans?

CU. WAITER

He nods broadly, knowing that he's spoiling the kids' meal.

CU. SLOANE AND CAMERON

They look at each other.

CU. FERRIS

He pats his mouth with his napkin. He looks to Cameron and
Sloane. He raises a finger, holds it a beat and gives a cue.

CU. WAITER

He turns away as Sloane and Cameron spit out their food.

CU. FERRIS

He watches Sloane and Cameron then glances at the waiter.

		FERRIS
	Check, please!

125  EXT. RESTAURANT				125

Tom and his two GUESTS are standing at the curb, talking. A
cab is waiting. The door's open. In the B.G. Ferris, Sloane
and Cameron come out of the restaurant. They approach the
cab. Tom's back it to Ferris. Ferris stops cold.

FERRIS, SLOANE, CAMERON

They turns on cue at Tom, now in the B.G., turns toward the
restaurant.

		FERRIS
	40,000 restaurants in the downtown
	area and I pick the one my father
	goes to.

		CAMERON
	We're gonna get nabbed, for sure.

		FERRIS
	No way, Cameron. Only the meek
	get nabbed. The bold survive.
	Let's go.

He turns to the cab. Sloane and Cameron turn slowly.

EXT. STREET. CAB

Tom and his party are still jawing at curbside. Ferris,
Sloane and Cameron slowly approach the cab. Behind the backs
of the men, Ferris scoots Sloane into the cab. Cameron
dashes in. The Ferris hops the cab.

INT. CAB

Ferris slams the door.

CU. CAB DOOR HANDLE

A man's hand reaches for the handle as the cab pulls away.

EXT. RESTAURANT

Tom and his guests watch in bewilderment at their cab takes
off. MUSIC COMES UP.

126  EXT. MUSEUM OR SCIENCE AND INDUSTRY		126

The grand old Chicago museum.

127  INT. MUSEUM. OVERHEAD SHOT		         127

The main gallery is crowded with school kids.

INT. MUSEUM. FLOOR

A class of kids walking along holding hands. Among the
second graders are Ferris, Sloane and Cameron, holding hands
looking like giant grade schoolers.

INT. MUSEUM. DISPLAY CASE

Baby chicks are hatching in a huge, round incubator. Sloane,
Ferris and Cameron are intently watching the process.

INT. MUSEUM. COAL MINE

Sloane, Ferris and Cameron ride in the coal train in the
coal mine replica. Ferris and Sloane are making out.

INT. MUSEUM. INDUSTRIAL DISPLAY

Sloane operates a metal press to produce a tin ashtray.

INT. MUSEUM. HEART REPLICA

A giant, walk-thru replica of a human heart. Ferris staggers
out of it, clutching his heart, feigning a massive heart
attack.

INT. GERMAN U-BOAT

Ferris is examining the controls of the captured U-Boat. He
checks to see if he's being watched then he presses a button
and pulls a lever.

CU. PROPELLER

For the first time in forty years, the screw turns.

CU. HUMAN FETUS IN A BOTTLE

The famous stages of life display which features bottled
fetuses. The ninth month. A tiny human being in a jar.

CU. SLOANE, FERRIS, CAMERON

Sloane wants to cry. Cameron's stomach is in his throat.
Ferris is lost in thought. The MUSIC ENDS.

		SLOANE
		(remorsefully)
	I wonder if he has a name?

		FERRIS
		(blank)
	Ninth Month.

128  EXT. CHICAGO RIVER. LONG, HIGH SHOT		   128

From the Merchandise Mart, looking down the fetid, green
swath of water. A boat is rolling up the man-made canyon.

		CAMERON (VO)
	Are you guys worried about nuclear war?

		FERRIS (VO)
	Cameron, it's a beautiful day, we've
	won our freedom, we're traveling down
	one of American's most scenic polluted
	waterways and you have to bring up
	nuclear war?

		SLOANE (VO)
	It is kind of raggy subject, Cam.

		CAMERON (VO)
	Regardless. It's with us every day.
	The possiblity of global destruction.

		SLOANE (VO)
	Don't you think it's an issue because
	people need something to worry about?
	They have to like, have some major
	problem that puts all their little
	bullshit into some kind of persepective?

		CAMERON (VO)
	Maybe.

		FERRIS
	They used to have Viet Nam. They
	used to have the oil crisis stuff
	and Iran. That's over and people
	have to have their big issue. It's
	not like somebody came up with the
	nuclear holocaust yesterday at
	noon, you know.

		SLOANE (VO)
	To answer your question...No, I'm not
	worried about it at all.

		FERRIS (VO)
	We don't know when the bombs going
	off. We do know, however, that college
	starts in the fall.

		CAMERON (VO)
		(dramatic, deadly serious)
	Do you know what a nuclear winter is?

Long beat.

		SLOANE (VO)
	Yeah. Everybody's dead, it's real
	cold and the skiing's for shit.

The boat makes the turn in the river and CLEARS FRAME.

EXT. BOAT DOCK

The three are sitting on the aft deck of the tour boat.
Their feet are up on the railing. Very casual, very relaxed.
Discussing the end of the world.

		SLOANE
	My step-father's always going off about
	how when he was young he was committed to
	all these causes.

		FERRIS
	He's full of shit. All the old hippies
	are full of shit.

		SLOANE
	He says I don't care about things like
	he did.

		FERRIS
	What's he care about now?

		SLOANE
	Baldness, fatty meats and money.

		FERRIS
	I rest my case.

		CAMERON
	What's spooky is they still control
	everything. They took over when they
	were young and they never gave it up.

		FERRIS
	One of the most frightening experiences
	of my young life has been observing
	my parents and our neighbors playing
	the Baby Boom Edition of Trivial Pursuits.
	It's chilling to see people crazed with
	the minutia of their past.

		CAMERON
	It's human nature to like what you had
	better than what you have.

		SLOANE
	Agreed.

A loud speaker on the boat identifies a point of interest.

		LOUDSPEAKER
	TO YOUR LEFT IT THE WORLD'S TALLEST
	BUILDING...

The three look to the left.

		LOUDSPEAKER, FERRIS,
		SLOANE, CAMERON
	The Sears Tower.

		CAMERON
	You know, this is all very interesting
	but I'm starving.

		FERRIS
	An hour ago you wanted to yack.

		CAMERON
	I feel better now.

		FERRIS
	Lean over and grab a fish.

Cameron looks over the side of the boat. An obtuse thought
flashes through Sloane's brain.

		SLOANE
	What comes after a nuclear winter?

		FERRIS
	Nuclear spring.

129  EXT. SCHOOL				   129

Meanwhile...

130  INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE DEAN'S OFFICE		 130

Jeanie is having a small moral debate with herself.

		JEANIE
	It's reprehensible to squeal on
	your own flesh and blood...but it's
	for his own good. His cavalier
	attitude will get him into trouble
	later in life...and it'll continue
	to piss me off and I'll get so
	wadded-up that it'll cause cervex cancer
	and he'll ruin my life. Screw him.

She slips into the Dean's outer office.

131  INT. DEAN'S OUTER OFFICE			 131

Rooney's secretary is behind her desk. Jeanie walks in. The
secretary looks up and greets her with a weary smile.

		SECRETARY
	Hello, Jeanie. Who's bothering
	you now?

Jeanie scowls at her.

		JEANIE
	Is Dean Rooney in?

		SECRETARY
	I'm sorry, he's out. Can I help you?

		JEANIE
		(condescending)
	I seriously doubt it. When's he back?

		SECRETARY
	I don't know. He left the grounds
	on personal business.

132  EXT. STREET. CU. CURB			    132

A car tire rolls into FRAME and stops. Slide across to the
sidewalk. Rooney's dress shoe steps out onto the pavement.
Move up to reveal Rooney standing at the door of his
bile-green LeBaron. Rooney peels off his shades and looks
around like he's Dirty Harry. In his mind he is Dirty Harry.

CU. FIRE HYDRANT

Rooney's dres shoe on the hydrant. He ties his lace and
pulls up his sock.

EXT. STREET

Rooney straightens his tie and jacket and slips into a rowdy
hot dog joint.

133  INT. HOT DOG STAND			       133

It's jammed with construction workers, secretaries, suburban
businessmen. It's loud and confusing. Rooney pushes his way
in and scopes the crowd.

HIS POV

A young person is playing a video game in a far corner.

CU. ROONEY

He suspects it's Ferris. It look sort of like Ferris. He
smiles and cuts into the crowd.

CU. THE BACK OF THE VIDEO PLAYER'S HEAD

MOVE IN on the player.

		ROONEY (OC)
	I've been waiting a long time
	for this.

The player looks up.

		ROONEY (OC)
	Your ass is mine.

The player turns around. It's a GIRL.

CU. ROONEY

The blood evacuates his face. He stares at the girl.

CU. GIRL

She stares at him. She picks up her Coke. She puts the straw
to her lips and sucks.

CU. ROONEY

He's still staring. He can't think of anything to say.

CU. GIRL

Holding the straw in the mouth, she draws it out of the cup.
She raises it, pointing it directly in Rooney's face.

CU. ROONEY

He squints

CU. GIRL

She blows a strawful of Coke in Rooney's face.

CU. NAPKIN HOLDER

A hand yanks a napkin hold.

INT. HOT DOG STAND. SERVICE COUNTER

Rooney wipes his face. Behind him is the kitchen and a
grease-covered TV set broadcasting a Cubs baseball game.
There's a long foul ball. The TV camera follows the ball
into the stands. A kid makes a stab at the ball. Rooney
wipes his suit off. The TV camera zooms in on the boy
triumphantly holding the foul ball aloft. It's Ferris.
He does a little celebration dance. Rooney wads up the
napkin and tosses it in a trashbin. The TV camera returns to
the game. Rooney glances at the screen.

		ROONEY
	What's the score?

		HOT DOG MAN
	Zero to zero.

		ROONEY
	Who's winning?

		HOT DOG MAN
	Cubs.

Rooney nods and exits.

134  EXT. WRIGLEY FIELD. STANDS		         134

Ferris sits down with the baseball. He shakes his stinging
paw. On either side of him are Cameron and Sloane. Cameron's
scarfing nachos.

		FERRIS
	I think I broke my thumb.

		SLOANE
	Can we leave now?

		FERRIS
	You want to leave? We just got here.

		SLOANE
	You got a call, you broke your thumb,
	what's left to do?

Cameron offers his nachos to Sloane. She looks at them with
disgust.

		SLOANE
	No wonder you're always sick.

Ferris leans back, puts his hands behind his head and turns
his face to the bright sun.

		FERRIS
	Do you realize that if I played by
	the rules, right now I'd be in gym?

135  EXT. HIGH SCHOOL. PLAYING FIELD		    135

A boy's gym class is doing laps. A blue Fiat pulls into the
shot.

136  INT. FIAT				 136

Jeanie's at the wheel. She sneaks a glance at the school.

		JEANIE
	I can't believe my brother's making
	me put myself in a position where I
	could get expelled. Selfish little
	moron.
		(pause)
	Ferris? You're overshadowed
	me long enough. I'm gonna get
	you, buddy.

She puts the car in gear and drives out of the shot.

137  EXT. STATE STREET			        137

A parade is underway. Floats and politicians. Marching
bands, drum and bugle corps, soldiers, school kids. Figure
skating club in outfits and skates performing their routines
on pavement. It's GERMAN-AMERICAN APPRECIATION DAY.

EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT

Riding atop on a float is Ferris. He's waving to the crowd.
He and half a dozen homely German-American Beauty Queens.
He's leading the girls in singing, "DANKE SHOEN".

EXT. STATE STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON

They're watching Ferris go by. They wave to him.

		SLOANE
	I love him.

		CAMERON
	It's hard not to.

Cameron breaks a smile. As worried as he is about the day
and getting caught, he has to admire Ferris for his lack of
inhabitions. Cameron mumbles a few words.

		CAMERON
	Stop...water...want...

		SLOANE
	Do you believe in reincarnation?

		CAMERON
	Huh?

		SLOANE
	Do you believe that you lived before?

		CAMERON
	Yeah. Sort of.

		SLOANE
	DO you ever wonder what you were?

		CAMERON
	I don't have to wonder. I know.

Sloane looks at him with amazement.

		CAMERON
	I was a tractor tire.

EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT

Ferris is on his knees, reaching down from the float,
shaking hands with people in the crowd.

		FERRIS
	Guten tag, dude!

EXT. STATE STREET

Sloane and Cameron continue their conversation.

		CAMERON
	What were you in a previous life?

		SLOANE
	I'm not sure but I think I know
	who Ferris was.

		CAMERON
	Hannibal.

		SLOANE
	From the A-Team?

		CAMERON
	No. The guy who rode the elephants
	into Switzerland.

Sloane laughs at herself. They step out of the crowd and
head down the street in the direction the parade's heading.

		SLOANE
	I think if he was anybody, he
	was Magellan. You know, the guy
	who went around the world.

Cameron nods.

		SLOANE
	I could see him ignoring popular
	belief and taking off on some
	impossible mission.

		CAMERON
	Yeah. As long as I've known him,
	everything works for him. There's
	nothing he can't handle. I can't
	handle anything. School, parents,
	the future. Ferris can do anything.

EXT. STATE STREET. FLOAT

Ferris is playing "TWIST AND SHOUT" on the accordian. The
girls on the float are singing.

		FERRIS
	WELL, SHAKE IT UP, BABY, NOW!

		GIRLS
	SHAKE IT UP, BABY

		FERRIS
	TWIST AND SHOUT!

		GIRLS
	TWIST AND SHOUT!

		FERRIS
	COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, BABY ON!
	COME ON AND WORK IT ON OUT!

		GIRLS
	WORK IT ON OUT!

EXT. STREET. SLOANE AND CAMERON

They continue their conversation.

		SLOANE
	The future's worse for a boy, isn't
	it?

Cameron doesn't understand what she means.

		SLOANE
	A girl can always bail out and
	have a baby and get some guy
	to support her.

		CAMERON
	That's a pretty grim thought.

		SLOANE
	True, but it's an option. No options
	is worse.

		CAMERON
	I don't know what I'm gonna do.

		SLOANE
	College.

		CAMERON
	Yeah, but to do what?

		SLOANE
	What are you interested in?

		CAMERON
	Nothing.

		SLOANE
	Me either.

They walk on for a few beats. We HEAR "TWIST AND SHOUT"
GROWING LOUDER AND LOUDER. The sons is taking over all the
other tunes in the band. It's infecting the entire parade.

		CAMERON
	What do you think Ferris is gonna
	do?

EXT. STATE STREET. MARCHING BAND

They're playing TWIST AND SHOUT.

EXT. STREET. MOUNTED POLICE OFFICER

He's singing.

		POLICE OFFICER
	YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO GOOD!

EXT. STREET. PUNKS

A band of PUNKS are dancing on the roof of a news kiosk.

		PUNKS
	LOOK SO GOOD!

EXT. STREET MOTHER AND HER CHILDREN

A WOMAN and her two TODDLERS sing along.

		WOMAN
	YOU KNOW YOU LOOK SO FINE!

		TODDLERS
	LOOK SO FINE!

EXT. STREET. BLACK TEENAGER

He's wearing a shower cap and a maroon overcoat.

		TEENAGER
	COME ON AND TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER!

EXT. STREET. OLD NEWSPAPER SELLER

He singing along.

		NEWSPAPER SELLER
	TWIST A LITTLE CLOSER!

EXT. STREET. CHOIR GROUP

They're marching down the parade. They're singing in their
angleic voices.

		CHOIR
	AND LET ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE!

EXT. STREET. STREET CLEANERS

With their brooms ready...

		STREET CLEANERS
	KNOW THAT YOU'RE MINE!

EXT. STREET. DECK

The entire parade is singing and playing "TWIST AND SHOUT".

EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND

The POLITICIANS and their WIVES stand up.

		POLITICIANS AND WIVES
	AH!

EXT. STREET. VIEWING STAND

The CLERGYMEN stand.

		CLERGYMEN
	AH!

EXT. STREET. VETERANS

Marching in formation and in WWII uniforms.

		VETERANS
	AH!

EXT. STREET. FLOAT

Ferris leads the Beauty Queens in the rousing finale.

		FERRIS
	AH!

EXT. STREET. WIDE AND HIGH

The entire parade is at frenzy pitch.

		PARADE
	AHHHHH!

The SOUND OF THE VOICES blends with the SOUND OF A RED-LINED
HIGH PERFORMANCE ENGINE.

138  EXT. CALUMET CITY			        138

The Port of Chicago. Grim, gritty waterfront. Suddenly,
Cameron's father's car flies OVER CAMERA. Like the opening
shot in Star Wars. The Starship Ferrari. SLO-MO.

CU. FERRARI UNDER-CARRIAGE

It travels past to reveal a beautiful blue sky. SLO-MO.

CU. PARKING ATTENDANT

His eyes are wide with exhilaration. Mouth open, tongue out.
Maniac at the wheel. SLO-MO.

CU. RASTAMAN

His eyes are closed. Big smile. SLO-MO,

EXT. STREETS. KIDS

They're looking up in the air, following the car as it flies
over them. Broad, excited smiles. The car's shadow passes
over them. SLO-MO.

139  CU. CAR GRILLE				139

It fills the frame and stops. We MOVE UP to reveal Rooney
behind the wheel of his car.

EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE

Rooney gets out of his car. He looks at the house, looks up
and down the street, then crosses to Ferris' house.

140  INT. HOUSE. FOYER			        140

Rooney's at the front door. We see him peek in a window at
the top of the door. The doorbell rings.

141  INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM. COMPUTER		 141

It acknowledges the doorbell.

CU. CASSETTE PLAYER

It clicks on.

142  EXT. HOUSE. FRONT PORCH			  142

The house intercom activates. We HEAR FERRIS' VOICE.

		FERRIS
	Who is it?

Rooney presses the intercom.

		ROONEY
	This is Ed Rooney, Ferris. I'd
	like to have a word with you.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	I'm sorry I can't come to the door
	right now. I'm very ill and I'm
	afraid that in my weakened condition,
	I could take a nasty spill down the
	stairs and subject myself to further
	school absenses.

There's a pause. Rooney presses the intercom again.

		ROONEY
	B.S. Come down here.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	You can reach my parents at their
	places of business. Thank you for
	stopping by. I appreciate your concern
	for my well-being. It will be remembered
	long after this illness has past.

His voice clicks off. Rooney presses the intercom again.

		ROONEY
	I'm not leaving until you come
	down and talk to me.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Have a nice day.

Rooney presses the intercom.

		ROONEY
	I'm not leaving, Ferris.

There's no response. Rooney rings the doorbell again. The
pre-recorded litany starts over.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Who is it?

Rooney doesn't realize that he's listening to a recording.

		ROONEY
	Don't get smart with me Ferris!

		FERRIS' VOICE
	I'm sorry I can't come to the door
	right now. I'm very ill and I'm
	afraid that in my weakened condition...

Rooney leans back from the door. He can't quite figure out
what's going on. But's it's highly suspicious.

143  INT. HOUSE. LIVING ROOM			  143

Rooney steps through the hedges and peeks in the windows. We
HEAR FERRIS' VOICE inside.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	You may reach my parents at their
	places of business.

144  INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN			      144

Rooney tries to peak in the kitchen window.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	I appreciate your conern for my
	well-being. It will be remembered
	long after...

145  EXT. HOUSE. BACKDOOR			     145

A black rubber doggie door. The type that allows a dog to
come and go as it pleases. Rooney is crouched down. He lifts
the doggie door and peeks in the house.

HIS POV

Along the kitchen floor. Through the kitchen, into the
dining room. We hear a LARGE DOG GROWL.

CU. ROONEY

He's peaking through the door. He hears the dog. His face
freezes.

		FERRIS
	Have a nice day.

EXT. HOUSE. DOGGIE DOOR

A Rottweiler bursts through the doggie door in a fury of
gnashing teeth and foam.

146  CU. LARGE BREASTS			        146

Tassled pasties twirl like airplane propellers.

CU. CAMERON, FERRIS AND SLOANE

They're sitting in a booth in the garish, nearly deserted
strip joint. Cameron's mouth is open in amazement. Sloane is
embarrassed and revolted.

		CAMERON
	How does she do that? One goes
	one way, one goes the other.

		FERRIS
	She's probably schizophrenic.

		SLOANE
	Ferris, this is nauseating me.
	Really. I'm losing respect for
	you by the bucket.

		FERRIS
	You don't think it's amazing that
	we got in?

		SLOANE
	Who wants to get in?

		FERRIS
	Cameron looks like a toddler, for
	Christ's sake. I'm talking about
	a major achievement in false
	identification.

		SLOANE
	I'm not interested in watching
	someone jiggle their mammary glands.

		FERRIS
	Point well taken. But consider why
	she does it. Why she does it and
	you don't.

		SLOANE
	I'm not a tramp.

		FERRIS
	Maybe her life fell apart. Maybe she
	lost somebody. A lover. A boyfriend.
	A parent. A child...
		(to CAMERA)
	This kind of thing makes me a little
	depressed. You may think because I'm
	the age I am that I'm a sex maniac.
	That sex is all I think about.
	But that's not true. I'm a romantic.
	I think alot of people my age are.
	We think about love and matters of
	the heart. And SAT scores and acne
	aside, we worry about lonliness. It's
	a terrible thing. And we feel it. I
	feel it.

He flips his collar up, curls his lip and affects an Elvis
impression. A sappy, do-wop track FADES UP. The club lights
go down. Cameron and Sloane disappear into darkness. Ferris
stands up from the booth. He strolls slowly through the
empty club as the stripper bumps and grinds in a pool of
blue light.

		FERRIS
	You know, someone said the world's a
	stage and each must play a part.
	Fate had me playing in love, with you
	as my sweetheart. Act one was when we
	met. I loved you at first glance. You
	read your lines so cleverly and never
	missed a cue. Then came act two. You
	seemed to change. You acted strange.
	And why, I've never known.

He climbs up on the little runway. The stripper disappears
in darkness as Ferris takes over the spotlight.

		FERRIS
	Honey, you lies when you said you
	loved me and I had no cause to
	doubt you. But I'd rather go on
	hearing your lies than to go on
	living without you. Now, the stage
	is bare and I'm standing there with
	emptiness all around and if you won't
	come back to me, then they can bring
	the curtain down...

Elvis fades up. The orignal recording. Ferris lip synchs
with the big, dramatic florish that was the King's trademark
ballad sign-off.

		ELVIS
	IS YOUR HEART FILLED WITH PAIN?
	SHALL I COME BACK AGAIN?
	TELL ME DEAR, ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?

Ferris drops his head. Like the King would.

147  EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET. CAMERON'S CAR		147

Cameron's father is looking at the car. He's studying it. It
looks terribly familiar. He leans into the open car and
reaches for the glovebox to see if the contents will confirm
if it's his. He freezes. He looks up slowly.

HIS POV

The Attendant and the Rastaman are glowering at him. They're
holding bags of fried chicken.

		ATTENDANT
	You looking for something in my
	car?

CU. CAMERON'S FATHER

He shakes his head, no.

		CAMERON'S FATHER
	No.

148  EXT. FERRIS' TOWN. JEANIE			148

Jeanie's standing at her car. She's staring incredulously
into the distance. Her mouth's open. She's shaking her head
slowly.

HER POV

Spray-painted on the town water tower in gigantic black
letters -- SAVE FERRIS BUELLER.

CU. JEANIE

She's furious.

		JEANIE
	I'm gonna microwave his nuts...

149  EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE			     149

Afternoon traffic.

150  INT. TAXI CAB				 150

Ferris, Sloane and Cameron in the backseat of a checker.
Ferris is on one window, Cameron on the other. Sloane's in
the middle. Ferris is talking to the DRIVER.

		FERRIS
	So...

He leans forward and reads the driver's name off the city
license.

		FERRIS
	So, Yuri, how long have you been
	in America?

		DRIVER
	One year.

		FERRIS
	What's your overall impression?

		DRIVER
	It's very good here.

		FERRIS
	Better than Russia?

		DRIVER
	Much better here than in Russia.

		FERRIS
	Clearly you've never been to an
	American high school.

Ferris sits back. He puts his arm around Sloane.

		CAMERON
	It's getting late, Ferris. I have
	to get the car home. I know you
	don't care, but it means my ass.

		FERRIS
	You think I don't care?

		CAMERON
	I know you don't care.

		FERRIS
	That hurts, Cameron.

		SLOANE
	Jump back, Ferris, Cameron's been
	a good sport.

		FERRIS
	Cameron, what'd you see today?

Cameron looks at him.

		FERRIS
	You saw four states, a submarine,
	a giant heart, seventy five dollars
	worth of cooked pancreas, two of the
	most incredible breasts ever to come
	out of modern plastics, major
	league baseball and...
		(quizical look)
	Are you gonna chuck your nachos?

Cameron's staring past Ferris. He's frozen. Ferris realizes
he's looking at something out the window. He turns. He
freezes.

HIS POV

In the gridlock traffic, their cab is squeezed tight
alongside another cab. In that cab is Tom. He's about a foot
from Ferris. He turns and looks right into CAMERA.

TOM'S POV

Ferris' frozen face.

FERRIS' POV

Tom glances back at his paper. He pauses. Looks up. Thinks.
Turns back to CAMERA.

TOM'S POV

Sloane is sitting where Ferris was. She's wearing
sunglasses, looking bored. She turns and glances out the
window. Fakes a yawn.

HER POV

Tom stares at her. He's baffled. He looks away.

INT. CAB. FLOOR.

Cameron and Ferris are on the floor. On their asses, with
their backs to the back of the front seat, feet up on the
seat.

		FERRIS
		(to Sloane)
	What's he doing?

		SLOANE
		(revolted)
	He's looking at me and he's licking
	the glass and making obscene gestures
	with his hands.

		FERRIS
	What?!

Sloane bursts out laughing.

		SLOANE
	Roast!

She licks her finger and touches Ferris knee. She makes a
sizzling sound. She collapes on the seat in hysterics.

INT. TOM'S CAB

Tom's looking into Ferris' cab.

HIS POV

Sloane's bouncing up and down.

CU. TOM

He can't quite figure out what's going on. He turns and
slowly raises his newspaper over his face. We see on the
back of the paper a small story with the headline: COMMUNITY
RALLIES AROUND SICK YOUTH.

151  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD. DOG		  151

The Rottweiler's chewing on a shoe. Tearing it apart.

EXT. BACKYARD. ROONEY

He's standing outside the fence. He's missing a shoe. His
suit pants are torn from the crotch to the knee. His suit
coat pocket is torn off. His hair's messed and there're
grass-stains on his knees and elbows. He's looking in at the
dog.

		ROONEY
	That's a $28.00 dress shoe, you
	worthless mutt!

HIS POV

The Rottweiler leaps at CAMERA.

152  EXT. CITY STREET			         152

Ferris is leading the way down Michigan Avenue. He's
hustling through the crowd. He has Sloane by the hand. She's
jogging to keep up. Cameron's a few steps behind. He keeps
bumping into people. Ferris and Sloane make the turn at
Wacker Driver and disappear into the Stone Container
Building. Cameron follows, mumbling again.

		CAMERON
	Money...tits...please...

153  EXT. HOUSE. FRONT			        153

A florist truck pulls up in front of the house. A DELIVERY
MAN gets out iwth a huge floral arrangement. He heads up to
the house.

154  EXT. HOUSE. PORCH			        154

Rooney's sitting on the porch patting a bloody knee with his
handkerchief. The delivery man hops up on the steps. Rooney
looks up at him. He greets Rooney cheerily.

		DELIVERY MAN
	Howdy!

He presses the doorbell. A beat and we hear Ferris'
recording.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Who is it?

The Deliver Man presses the intercom.

		DELIVERY MAN
	Focus on Flowers. I have a delivery.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	I'm sorry but I can't come to the
	door right now. I'm very ill and I'm
	afraid...

	ROONEY		     FERRIS' VOICE
It's a recording, asshole.        ...that in my weakened
		         condition, I could take a
	DELIVERY MAN	  nasty spill and subject
What's your problem?	    myself to further school
		         absenses...
	ROONEY		   (pause)
He's one of my students.	You can reach my parents
		         at their places of
	DELIVERY MAN	  business. Thank you for
Little bugger's dying.	  stopping by. I appreciate
		         your concern for my well-
	ROONEY	        being. It will be
What?		    remembered long after
		         this illness has passed.

		DELIVERY MAN
	As I heard it from our mailman
	he was supposedly born with only
	half a kidney.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Have a nice day.

		DELIVERY MAN
		(to the intercom)
	Thank you.
		(continues)
	I don't know the details. But my
	boss had to send to Milwaukee to
	get more orchids. He's very
	popular.

Rooney is flabbergasted.

		DELIVERY MAN
	Nobody's home here?

		ROONEY
	No.

		DELIVERY MAN
	You gonna be around for awhile?

		ROONEY
	I imagine so.

		DELIVERY MAN
	You wanna keep an eye on these?

Rooney looks at the flowers. Then he looks at the Delivery
Man.

		DELIVERY MAN
		(happy sigh)
	It really touches me that so many people
	are rallying behind this guy. I guess
	there's hope for the human race afterall.

He hands the arrangement to Rooney.

		DELIVERY MAN
	Gotta run.

He bounds off the porch and trots to the truck. Rooney looks
incredulously at the arrangement. He opens the attached
card.

		ROONEY
		(defeated)
	Oh, Christ...

CU. CARD

It's signed:

	ALL OUR BEST FOR A SPEEDY RECOVERY
	THE ENGLISH DEPT. FACULTY AND STAFF

155  INT. RADIO STATION STUDIO			155

The number one afternoon FM rock'n roll D.J. is sitting
behind his microphone.

		D.J.
	I don't know who that was or
	what they were playing but I
	apologize for it nonetheless.
		(pause)
	I have a guest with me today...

156  INT. STUDIO. FERRIS			      156

He put his headphones on.

157  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE			       157

Jeanie's car pull in the driveway. We hear her car radio.

		D.J.
	His name is Ferris Mueller.

		FERRIS
	Bueller. Ferris Bueller.

INT. CAR. JEANIE

She goes into shock. Her eyes blink, her head cocks.

		D.J.
	Sorry about that.

		FERRIS
	It's cool.

Jeanie draws back and punches out her radio.

CU. CAR ANTENNA

The impact of her blow to the radio shoots the antenna in
the air.

158  INT. STUDIO				   158

Ferris leans forward and adjusts the microphone.

		D.J.
	He has an incredible story.

Ferris turns to CAMERA.

		FERRIS
	I'm going to tell a massive lie here.
	It's going to by very thick and very
	steamy. I think radio's a facinating
	medium, it challenges the imagination.
	Unlike television which provides the
	images, radio...
		(pause)
	You know this. Anyway, it's always been
	a dream of mine to be on the radio.
	I have what I consider to be an excellent
	broadcast voice. I practise it in the
	bathroom all the time. I used to play
	records and do introductions to them.
	But I've never had the chance to sit
	behind a microphone and try it out
	for real. This is a 50,000 watt outlet.
	I'm going out to several million people
	so let me just say, I'm in a very pleasant
	groove right now.
		(clears his voice,
		 speaks into the
		 mike, affects a
		 "radio" voice)
	Well, Steve, you and your listeners are
	probably not going to believe this but...

159  INT. SCHOOL				   159

A group of kids are sitting around a blaster.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	...I'm the first Chicago area youth
	to be selected to participate in
	a space shuttle mission.

160  INT. STUDIO				   160

Ferris turns from the mike to CAMERA.

		FERRIS
	I was going to say I knew Springsteen's
	home phone number and I was going
	to give out the number of the New
	Jersey State Police but I thought I
	might get busted. After I got flunked
	in driver's ed for sideswiping a mail
	box, which was not in any way, shape
	or from my fault. I was putting out a
	cigarette, like I was told. It was weird.
	I'm so used to getting in a car and
	lighting up, because I'm not allowed to
	smoke at home, that I got in the driver's
	ed. car and spaced completely, pulled out
	of the lot, lit up a 'boro and Mrs. Heller
	looked at me like I'd just pulled a bunny
	out of my nose or something and I realized
	what the hell I was doing and I went to
	put it out and hit the mail box. Anyway,
	I was so pissed off at her reaction to
	the whole thing that I considered running
	an ad in a sleaze magazine for a school
	teacher that does phone sex and I was gonna
	use Mrs. Heller's home number but is cost
	too much. I took it again and passed. But
	I had to work at Burger King to get the
	cash to pay for the driver's ed. car. The
	car got fixed in auto shop for nothing and
	I think Rooney pocketed the cash. But I
	can't prove it? I'm in high school, remember?

He turns back to the DJ.

		D.J.
	How did you get picked for this.

		FERRIS
	It's kind of a long story but I've
	been doing alot of programming for
	NASA.

161  INT. SCHOOL. HALLWAY			     161

A even larger group of kids is listening to the blaster.
They're cheering him on.

162  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE. BACKYARD		       162

The Rottweiler is laying unconscious on the lawn. The flower
arrangement is scattered all over the yard and the ceramic
vase the flowers were in has obviously struck the dog. The
broken pieces are all around the dog's head.

EXT. FERRIS HOUSE. BACKYARD. ROONEY

He's smiling with great satisfaction.

		ROONEY
	Sleep tight, pooch.

He hears something in the house. His head snaps around. He
drops down and peek in the windows.

HIS POV

A glimpse of a fleeting figure.

CU. ROONEY

His eyes dance in anticipation of revenge.

163  INT. HOUSE. FERRIS' ROOM			 163

Jeanie kicks the door open. The yardstick flings the covers
and the pillows beneath them in the air. She stomps in and
turns off the snoring synthesizer.

		JEANIE
	I knew it!

She grabs the phone and sits down. She dials a number.

164  EXT. HOUSE. FRONT			        164

Rooney sneaks around the side of the house. He slinks up on
the porch. The front door's open. He peeks in.

165  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			        165

Jeanie's on the phone.

		JEANIE
	Is Mrs. Bueller there? Where is she?
	This is her daughter. Do you know where
	she is? Do you know when she'll be back?
	Do you know anything?

She slams the phone down.

		JEANIE
	The worm has luck like clams
	have body odor...

She's startled by a noise downstairs. A smile spreads across
her face. He's back and she's going to nail him.

166  INT. HOUSE. FOYER			        166

Rooney sneaks into the house. He looks around the foyer and
heads into the kitchen.

167  INT. HOUSE. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY		       167

Jeanie tiptoes down the stairs.

168  INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN			      168

Rooney sneaks through the kitchen into the den.

169  INT. HOUSE. FOYER			        169

Jeanie comes down the stairs into the foyer.

170  INT. HOUSE. KITCHEN			      170

Rooney comes out of the den, back into the kitchen. He
crosses back toward the foyer.

171  INT. FOYER				171

Jeanie sneaks into the kitchen.

172  INT. KITCHEN				  172

Jeanie and Rooney come face-to-face. Jeanie squeals in
horror. She doesn't recognize Rooney as himself but as an
intruder. She drops into a karate stance and kicks Rooney in
the face. He hits the deck. She flees back up the stairs.

173  INT. CAR				  173

Boyd is sitting in the backseat of Joyce's car listening to
the radio.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	My input on the Star Wars defense
	plan was pretty substantial so I
	guess this is their way of rewarding
	me. I'm pretty flattered.

EXT. CAR

Joyce and her clients leave a show house and head toward the
car.

INT. CAR

Boyd looks out the window as his parents and Joyce appear.

		D.J. VOICE
	Can you stay around and take a few
	phone calls?

		FERRIS' VOICE
	I'd really like to but I have a kidney
	operation in about an hour.

EXT. CAR

Joyce and her clients take one last look at the house.

		JOYCE
	If you're willing to commit a
	little time and a little money
	to this place, you can really
	have something to be proud of.
	Don't let the black living room
	throw you off.

She opens the car door.

INT. CAR

The door opens.

		D.J. VOICE
	I wish you the best of luck.

		FERRIS' VOICE
	Thanks, Steve.

		D.J. VOICE
	A very interesting guy, Ferris Bueller.

Joyce gets in. The clients get in the other side. A song
starts.

		JOYCE
		(to the kid)
	Well, Boyd, how are you bearing
	up?

The kid stares at her.

		JOYCE
	Did I tell you I have a son
	your age?

		BOYD
	Twice.

		JOYCE
	His name is Ferris. I think you'd
	like him.

Boyd sits up in the seat at the mention of Ferris' name.

		BOYD
	Is he going up in the space shuttle
	in September?

Joyce looks around at Boyd. She gives him a curious look.

		JOYCE
	Not that I know of.

		BOYD
	I knew he was bullshitting.

		MOTHER
	Watch your mouth.

		BOYD
	How do you watch your mouth?

		JOYCE
	Do you know my son?

		FATHER
	Don't pay any attention to him.
	He thinks it's cute to bait adults.

		BOYD
	I don't think it's cute. I think
	it's fun.

Joyce give him a puzzled smile and starts the car.

174  INT. FERRIS' ROOM			        174

Jeanie's on the phone. She's in a panic.

		JEANIE
	This is not a phoeny phone call. There's
	an intruder, male caucasian, possibly armed,
	certainly weird, in our kitchen.
		(pause)
	My name is Bueller.

There's another pause. Jeanie's face drops.

		JEANIE
	It's real nice that you hope my
	brother's feeling better but I'm
	in danger, okay? I'm very cute,
	I'm very alone and I'm very
	protective of my body. I'd rather
	not have it violated or killed.
	I need help!

175  INT. KITCHEN				  175

Rooney's plugging his bloody nose with paper towel. The
intercom goes on.

		JEANIE'S VOICE
	Excuse me. If whoever's in the house
	is still in the house, I'd like you
	to know that I have just called the police.
	If you have any brains whatsoever, you'll
	get your ass out of my house real quick.

Rooney stiffens with fear.

		JEANIE'S VOICE
	I'd also like to add that I have
	my father's gun. And a scorching
	case of herpes.

176  EXT. STREET				   176

Rooney's car is hooked to a tow truck. It's parked in front
of a fire hydrant and the windshield is decorated with
parking citations. In the distance SIRENS WAIL.

177  EXT. PARKING LOT			         177

The three are waiting for the Ferrari. We HEAR TIRES
SQUEALING, AN ENGINE REVING-OUT. Then the Ferrari pulls down
the ramp and jams to a frightening stop. A BLACK GUY jumps
out. Ferris hands him the parking stub.

		FERRIS
	Just out of curiosity, what was
	your top speed coming down the
	ramp?

		BLACK GUY
		(matter-of-fact)
	About 60.

		FERRIS
	Stunning!

He hands him a buck and opens the door and pulls the
passenger seat forward for Cameron.

		FERRIS
	This is probably the last time you'll
	have to ride back here. Keep that in
	mind.

Cameron gives him a look and squeezes in.

178  EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET			     178

The Ferrari cruises through traffic.

INT. FERRARI

Sloane's in the passenger seat. Ferris is driving and
Cameron is crammed in the back.

		SLOANE
	What's next.

		CAMERON
	Nothing. We return the car.

		SLOANE
	We could go to my house. My parents
	aren't coming home until late.

		FERRIS
	We have enough cash left for a quick
	flight to Peoria and back.

		CAMERON
	Very funny.

Ferris looks in the mirror and changes lanes. He glances
down at the speedometer, then to the road. And back to the
speedometer.

		FERRIS
	Cameron? How many miles did you
	say this thing had when we left?

		CAMERON
	One hundred and twenty six and
	halfway between three and four
	tenths. Why? How many miles are
	on it now?

He glances down at the speedometer.

CU. SPEEDOMETER

The odometer reads 432.7.

		FERRIS
		(to CAMERA)
	Here's where Cameron goes berserk.

EXT. TRAFFIC

The Ferrari pulls up at a stop light. We HEAR A THUNDERING,
MUFFLED SCREAM.

EXT. EXPRESSWAY

The Ferrari is buzzing through traffic.

INT. FERRARI

Sloane turns in her seat and looks at Cameron. Her gesture
is one of genuine support.

		SLOANE
	You okay?

CU. CAMERON

His eyes are frozen in a mindless, vacant stare.

CU. FERRIS

He looks at Sloane. He's concerned.

		FERRIS
	Hey, Cameron. It's okay. We'll fix
	it.

CU. CAMERON

He's still holding the stare. He starts to breathe heavily.
He's trembling.

CU. SLOANE

She whips around in the seat and grabs his arms.

		SLOANE
	Cameron! Cut it out! What's
	wrong?! Ferris!

CU. FERRIS

He shoots Sloane a look.

		FERRIS
	Cameron, are you okay? It's
	no problem, really. Your old
	man won't know a thing. It's
	completely fixable.

INT. FERRARI

Sloane fires an angry look at Ferris.

		SLOANE
	Shut-up! It is a problem! For
	him it's a problem. Nothing's
	a problem for you. But it's
	a problem for him! So, just
	shut-up.

She turns back to Cameron.

		SLOANE
	What can I do, Cameron?

CU. FERRIS

Eyes front. He knows what he's doing.

179  INT. FERRIS' HOUSE. FOYER			179

The doorbell rings. The Ferris' tape is activated.

		FERRIS VOICE
	Who is it?

We hear a MALE VOICE over the intercom.

		VOICE
	Anybody home?

		FERRIS' VOICE
	I'm sorry that I can't come to
	the door right now...

The tape continues as Jeanie hurtles down the stairs.

		JEANIE
	I'm saved! Thank you, God!
	Thank you, thank you, thank you!

She jumps the last few stairs and slides to the front door.
She whips it open.

180  EXT. HOUSE. FRONT DOOR			   180

The door swings open.

		JEANIE
	Thank...you...

Her jaw goes slack. She blinks her eyes.

HER POV

The Delivery Man and a young ASSISTANT are standing at the
door with floral arrangements. Spread all around them are
more flowers. A sexy singing NURSE and a BALLOON MAN steps
up on the porch.

		NURSE
		(sings)
	WE HOPE YOU'RE FEELING BETTER
	WE HOPE YOU'RE FELLING FIT
	WE...

The door slams shut.

181  EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET			 181

Rooney's walking down the street. A school bus is crawling
alongside him as kids hang out the windows. From inside we
hear SHOUTING and seventeen different SONGS PLAYING ON
BLASTERS. A top forty montage.

		KID
	Hey, Mr. Rooney! What're you doing?

Rooney doesn't respond.

		ANOTHER KID
	Did you get in a fight?

Rooney keep walking. The bus doors open. The DRIVER calls
out to him.

		DRIVER
	You want a lift?

Rooney takes a few more steps. He stops. The bus stops.
Rooney takes a deep breath. He climbs aboard the bus.

182  INT. BUS				  182

The bus is jammed with WONKS and WEINERETTES. The passengers
are silent as they watch Rooney shuffle down the aisle and
take an empty seat next to a skinny, myopic GIRL.

CU. GIRL

She looks at Rooney and smiles. She pushes her Coke bottle
glasses up on her nose.

CU. ROONEY

He looks vacantly at her.

CU. GIRL

She holds her smile.

		GIRL
	I'll bet you never smelled a
	real school bus before.

CU. ROONEY

He stares at her.

CU. GIRL

She holds up a candy package.

		GIRL
	Gummi Bear?

CU. ROONEY

He stares at her.

CU. GIRL

She puts one in her mouth.

		GIRL
	They've been in pocket. They're
	real soft and warm.

CU. BOY

A rotund FRESHMAN BOY sitting across from Rooney is staring
at him.

CU. ROONEY

He looks across to the kid.

CU. BOY

He leans forward.

		FRESHMAN BOY
	It's kind of like being in the
	belly of the beast isn't it?

CU. ROONEY

He turns him eyes to the front. The bus jerks forward and
pulls away.

183  EXT. BUS				  183

It grinds through the gears as it heads down the quiet
street. The BLASTERS go back on, the SHOUTING RESUMES.

184  EXT. PARK				 184

Cameron's laying on a picnic table. Sloane's sitting beside
him on the table. She's stroking his hair. Ferris WALKS INTO
THE FOREGROUND. He addresses CAMERA.

		FERRIS
	This may very well be for real. I
	think Cameron might have blown a
	micro-chip or two. He's always been
	a little keyed-up. All I wanted to do
	was give him a good day. We're
	gonna graduate in a couple of months.
	Then we have the summer. He'll work
	and I'll work. And we'll see each
	other at night and on the weekends
	but then he'll go to one school and I'll
	go to another. And basically that'll
	be it. As much as we like each other,
	the process of growing up will
	separate us.

He begins to walk. We follow him.

		FERRIS
	Sloane's a bigger problem. She still
	has another year of high school. How
	do I deal with that? I was serious when
	I said I'd marry her. I would. This isn't
	just teenage infatuation. That's what my
	parents call it. What do they call what they
	have? If that's love, I'll take infatuation.

CU. CAMERON

His eyes are closed. Sloane's stroking his hair.

		FERRIS (VO)
	Cameron's never been in love. At
	least no one's ever been in love
	with him. He's gonna marry the first
	girl he lays. And she's gonna treat
	him like shit because he's gonna
	kiss her ass for giving him what he's
	built-up in his mind as the end-all,
	be-all of human existance. She won't
	respect him because you can't respect
	someone who kisses your ass. It just
	doesn't work.

CU. SLOANE

She's studying Cameron's face. She looks away.

		SLOANE
	Ferris?

CU. FERRIS

He looks to the picnic table. Then back to CAMERA.

		FERRIS
	I'm being tested here.

He starts back to the picnic table.

		FERRIS
	My best friend has flipped-out.
	Conventional wisdom would suggest
	a visit to the nearest trauma
	center. I wouldn't fault anybody
	for doing that. My, personally,
	I think this calls for something
	new, something bold, something wet
	and wild.

185  CU. JACUZZI JET				185

UNDERWATER SHOT. A hyrdojet spews a gush of air bubbles.

CU. BLASTER

A finger pushes the PLAY button on the cassette. MUSIC COMES
UP.

CU. BEER CAN LID

The finger pops a beer.

CU. OREO PACKAGE

A painted fingernail pierces the cellophane wrapper.

INT. JACUZZI

Ferris and Sloane are in Sloane's parents' Jacuzzi. Their
clothes are tosssed around the deck. Cameron's been placed
in a patio chair at the edge of the Jacuzzi. He's still
catatonic. He's mummbling softly. Ferris is drinking a beer.
Sloane's eating Oreos.

		FERRIS
	You feeling any better, Cameron?

		SLOANE
	The water's really nice. I wish
	you'd come in.

CU. CAMERON

Staring into space.

		CAMERON
	Surgery...fire...move...

CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS

They look at each other. She offers him a cookie. He offers
her his beer.

		FERRIS
	Cameron? Do you think this because
	of the car or is it a combination
	of everything shitty in your life?

CU. CAMERON

He doesn't respond.

		CAMERON
	Music...kiss...attack...

CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS

Sloane sips the beer.

		FERRIS
	You just can't deal with anymore
	shit? The car took you into the
	red zone? Time for a reality check?

		SLOANE
	Cameron? I could flip real easy, too.
	There's nothing wrong with it. At one
	time or another, everybody goes to
	the zoo.

		FERRIS
	Maybe he was actually sick. Maybe
	he wasn't bullshitting himself.

CU. CAMERON

No response.

		CAMERON
	Gesundheit...God...mercy...

EXT. BACKYARD

Ferris and Sloane watch their catatonic friend.

CU. CAMERON

He smiles.

CU. SLOANE

She leans forward and stares at Cameron.

CU. FERRIS

He cocks his head, wondering what Cameron's up to.

CU. CAMERON

He keels over forward.

EXT. BACKYARD

Cameron falls out of the chair and splashes down,
face-first, into the water. Sloane screams. Ferris leaps for
him.

UNDERWATER

Ferris struggles with Cameron's lifeless bulk.

CU. SLOANE

She's screaming. Ferris thrashes around in the water.

UNDERWATER

Ferris grabs Cameron's collar and rips him out of the water.

EXT. BACKYARD

Ferris sits Cameron on the edge of the Jacuzzi.

		FERRIS
	CAMERON!

CU. CAMERON

His eyes are closed. He's lifeless.

CU. FERRIS

His face is a mask of terror. He shakes Cameron.

CU. SLOANE

She's screaming.

CU. CAMERON

A smile spreads across his face.

CU. FERRIS

He sees the smile. He stops shaking Cameron.

EXT. JACUZZI

Ferris and Cameron are looking at each other. Sloane's still
screaming. She realizes that Cameron's okay. She stops
screaming.

		SLOANE
	What?

		FERRIS
		(Cameron)
	You asshole!

Cameron's smiling.

		SLOANE
	What?

Ferris starts to laugh. Cameron explodes with laughter.
Sloane's bewildered.

		SLOANE
	What's so funny?

186  INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM		  186

Jeanie's sitting on a wooden bench with a WASTED TEENAGE BOY
in a Triumph t-shirt, long hair, torn jeans, creepers, studs
and chains. He's studying her.

		BOY
	Drugs?

		JEANIE
	No, thank you. I'm straight.

		BOY
	I meant, are you here for drugs?

Jeanie stares at him.

		JEANIE
	Why are you here?

		BOY
	Drugs.

		JEANIE
	I don't know why I'm here.

		BOY
	Then why don't you go home?

		JEANIE
	Why don't you put your thumb
	up your butt?

The boy stares at her.

		BOY
	You want to talk about your problem?

		JEANIE
	With you? Are you serious?

		BOY
	Yeah, I'm serious.

		JEANIE
	Blow yourself.

Jeanie turns away. The boy crosses his legs. Jeanie looks
back at him.

		JEANIE
	You really want to know what's wrong?

The boy shrugs.

		JEANIE
	Alright. If you've got the time,
	I've got the troubles. In a nutshell,
	I hate my brother. How's that?

		BOY
	That's cool. Did you shoot him or
	something?

		JEANIE
	No, not yet.

The boy nods. He understands the emotion.

		JEANIE
	I went home to confirm that the
	shithead was ditching school and
	a guy broke into the house and I
	called the cops and they picked me
	up for making a phoney phone call.

		BOY
	What do you care if your brother
	ditches school?

Jeanie stares at the boy.

		JEANIE
	Why should he get to ditch school
	when everybody else has to go?

		BOY
	You could ditch.

		JEANIE
	I'd get caught.

		BOY
	So, you're pissed at him because
	he ditches and doesn't get caught?

		JEANIE
	Basically.

The boy nods knowingly.

		BOY
	Then your problem is you.

		JEANIE
	Excuse me?

		BOY
	Excuse you. You oughta spend a little
	more time dealing with yourself and
	a little less time worrying about
	what your brother does. It's just
	an opinion.

Jeanie stares angrily at him. Partly because he's so bold
and partly because he's so right.

		BOY
	There's somebody you should talk
	to.

Jeanie stares at him threateningly.

		JEANIE
	If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose
	a testicle.

		BOY
	You know him?

CU. JEANIE'S HAND

It curls into a fist.

187  CU. FERRARI TIRE			         187

It's spinning rapidly.

CY. ACCELERATOR

A brick's resting on the accelerator, holding it down.

INT. CAMERON'S GARAGE

Ferris, Cameron and Sloane are sitting in the garage. The
Ferrari is jacked up. The wheels are turning. The engine's
racing.

		CAMERON
	The whole time I was just thinking
	things over. I was like, meditating.
	I was thinking about the future.
	And I realized it doesn't make
	and difference if the present
	goes to shit.

		FERRIS
	I have a agree with you there.

		SLOANE
	Really.

		CAMERON
	I've been thinking all day that if
	you could only have the use of one
	word, what would it be?

		FERRIS
	Sloane is naked before your eyes and
	you're thinking about words?

		SLOANE
	God bless you, Cameron.

		CAMERON
	Thank you, Sloane.

		CAMERON
	If you guys only had one word, what
	would it be?

		FERRIS
	I can't believe you'd think up something
	like with a naked girl in a jacuzzi
	right in front of you.

		SLOANE
	Come on, Ferris, answer his question.

		FERRIS
	Bathroom.

		SLOANE
	I'd say...

She thinks.

		FERRIS
	Cash.

		CAMERON
	It's the only word you could
	ever use.

		FERRIS
	Hello.

		SLOANE
	Love.

		FERRIS
	And what is you loathe somebody?
	Are you going to say "love" every
	time you see them?

		SLOANE
	It's better than "hello".

		FERRIS
	Hellos' generic.

		SLOANE
	You wanna be generic?

		CAMERON
	It's help.

Cameron smiles at his wisdom. Ferris and Sloane think about
it. It's a good choice. Cameron gets up and walks to the
Ferrari.

		CAMERON
	The word is help.

Cameron peeks in the window.

CU. ODOMETER

Nothing's happening.

INT. GARAGE

Cameron pulls his head out of the car.

		CAMERON
	Ferris? It's not working.

Ferris looks up.

		CAMERON
	The miles aren't coming off, running
	it in reverse.

		FERRIS
	I thought that might be a problem.
	Let's crack open the odometer and
	roll it back by hand.

Cameron shakes his head.

		CAMERON
	I got a better idea. It's cool.

He walks back around behind the Ferrari.

		CAMERON
	Seventeen years and I've never
	taken a stand. Now, I'm gonna
	do it. I'm taking a stand against
	my father, against my family,
	against myself, against my past,
	my present and my future. I will
	not sit idly by as events that affect
	me unfold to change the course of
	my life. I will take a stand and I
	will defend it. When my father comes
	home tonight, he's finally going
	to have to deal with me. Good or
	bad, I'm taking a stand.

CU. FERRIS

He turns to CAMERA.

		FERRIS
	This is a big U-2 fan.

CU. SLOANE

She smiles proudly at Cameron. She applauds him.

CU. CAMERON

He's serious and determined. He has made up his mind and it
appears that it won't be changed by anyone but himself.

CU. TIRES

It's spinning wildly.

CU. MERCEDES BUMPER

Cameron's foot rests on the bumper. A beat and it gives a
mighty shove.

CU. TIRE

The spinning tires slam down on the cement.

INT. GARAGE

Cameron has kicked the Ferrari off the jack. It squeals out
of the garage in a cloud of blue tire smoke. A $50,000
unmanned investment heading backwards down a driveway.

CU. SLOANE AND FERRIS

They're in shock.

EXT. HOUSE

The Ferrari shoots down the driveway.

INT. GARAGE

Cameron watches the car go. He's strangely placcid about the
impending disaster. Ferris and Sloane are bewildered.

THEIR POV

The Ferrari travels down the driveway, across the street,
over the curb into the wooded property opposite the house.

CU. TREE

The Ferrari's brief journey ends as it smacks a tree trunk.

INT. GARAGE

Ferris and Sloane exchange baffled looks. They look at
Cameron. He's proud and bold.

		FERRIS
	What was that about?

		SLOANE
	This has to be a dream.

		FERRIS
	Cameron? One quick question.
	Why'd you do that?

Cameron holds his proud posture for a beat. Then a look of
bewilderment comes over his face. He shoots a look to
Ferris. A puzzled look.

		FERRIS
	You trashed the car.

Cameron looks across the street.

		SLOANE
	Why?

		CAMERON
	I took a stand.

		FERRIS
	No, Cameron. You wrecked a car.

Cameron thinks for a moment. Then he regains his confidence.

		CAMERON
	It's okay.

Ferris looks across the street at the car.

		FERRIS
	I have an idea. If you're interested.

Cameron looks at him. He shakes his head.

		CAMERON
	I'm gonna handle it.

		FERRIS
	I think this could work.

		CAMERON
	No, thanks. I want to deal with
	it by myself.

		SLOANE
	What about your one word?

		CAMERON
	You already did it. If I need it
	again, I'll use it.

He smiles. He raises am impish eyebrow.

		CAMERON
	It's cool. I'm loose.

188  INT. POLICE STATION. OFFICE		        188

Joyce is talking with the juvenile officer. Outside the
office, on the bench, we see Jeanie and the boy making out.

		JOYCE
	She's never been in trouble before.
	This is a shock to me. First, I
	don't know why she wasn't at school.
	Second, I don't know why she'd call
	you with this story about a rapist.

		OFFICER
	For whatever reasons she did it,
	I think she'd had a good scare.

		JOYCE
	I hope so. I appreciate your calling
	me. I can assure you that her father
	and I will have a long talk with her.

The gathers her purse and jacket and stands.

		JOYCE
	Thank you.

		OFFICER
	Oh, by the way, I hope you son's
	feeling better.

Joyce looks at the officer curiously.

		OFFICER
	Tell him, all the guys at the
	station here are pulling for
	him.

189  INT. POLICE STATION. WAITING ROOM		  189

Jeanie quickly breaks the embrace with the boy as Joyce
steps out of the juvenile officer's room. She's still a
little bewildered that everybody knows Ferris was ill.
Jeanie wipes her lips and sits up straight. The boy adjusts
his pants to better hide his passion.

		JEANIE
		(to the boy)
	If you keep this to yourself, I
	think we can probably get it on
	pretty good.

		BOY
	For sure.

Jeanie stands up.

		JEANIE
	Hi.

		JOYCE
	Don't "hi" me, young lady. Get
	your stuff.

Jeanie reaches down for her purse.

		BOY
	What's your name?

		JEANIE
	Jean. What's yours?

		BOY
	Garth Volbeck.

190  EXT. SLOANE'S BACKYARD			   190

Sloane and Ferris are standing at the back fence.

		SLOANE
	I had a great time today.

		FERRIS
	Yeah. It was pretty cool.

		SLOANE
	You think Cameron's gonna be
	alright?

		FERRIS
	Sure. He had to so it, I guess.
	His old man had it coming. He'll
	be okay. I'd be worried if he'd
	taken my idea.

Sloane smiles knowingly.

		SLOANE
	You didn't have an idea, did you?

		FERRIS
	Not a glimmer.

		SLOANE
	You're so smart.

		FERRIS
	No. I'm just real loose.

He kisses her.

		FERRIS
	I'll call you tonight.

Sloane nods. Ferris jumps the fence and takes off across the
backyards. Sloane watches him go. A huge smile spreads
across her face.

		SLOANE
	I LOVE YOU!

She backs away from the fence. MUSIC FADES UP.

		SLOANE
	He's gonna marry me. I know it.

She turns and runs into the house.

191  EXT. BACKYARD				 191

Ferris sprints across a backyard. He jumps a plaster elf.

192  EXT. ANOTHER BACKYARD			    192

Ferris vaults a fence. He runs directly for a swimming pool.
He's approaching it from the side. He leaps, hits the diving
board, springs off, does a flip and lands on the grass on
the other side of the pool.

193  CU. BEDSPREAD				 193

Neatly bundles stacks of bills and rolled coins. A
significant amount of cash.

CU. SLOANE

She's writing.

CU. PIECE OF PAPER

We see a portion of the typewritten letter as she signs it.

	"...in the amount of $1,765.33. It
	gives us great pleasure to assist
	you in performance of your worthy
	and much needed survives to those
	so desperately in need.

		Sincerely,

		Sloane Peterson
		Executive Director
		The Ferris Bueller Foundation"

194  EXT. FERRIS' STREET			      194

He's running down the middle of the street. A car honks.
Ferris moves to the side. The car pulls around him.

INT. CAR.

Tom's at the wheel. He glances in the mirror. He does a
take.

HIS POV. MIRROR

We see Ferris cut across a front lawn and into a house.

CU. TOM

He realizes it couldn't be Ferris.

195  INT. HOUSE				195

Ferris runs through the kitchen, past a WOMAN, fixing dinner
and out her backdoor. The Woman looks up curiously.

196  EXT. FERRIS' HOUSE			       196

Tom pulls in the driveway. He parks and gets out. Joyce
pulls in from the other direction.

197  EXT. HOUSE. BACK PORCH			   197

Ferris tries the door. It's locked. He reaches down and
lifts the doormat.

CU. PORCH

The outline of a key in the dirt under the mat. The key's
gone. The toe of a chewed-up dress shoe steps INTO FRAME. An
OMNIOUS CHORD IS STRUCK.

CU. FERRIS

He stares up in horror.

HIS POV

Rooney's looking down at him. He's holding the house key.

EXT. PORCH

Ferris stands up. He smiles.

		ROONEY
	Looking for this?

		FERRIS
	Yes.

		ROONEY
	I got you, Ferris. This time I finally
	got you.

Ferris is caught. There's no way out. Rooney gloats
severely.

		ROONEY
	How does another year of high
	school sit with you?

Suddenly, the backdoor opens. Jeanie looks out. She feigns
joy and relief. She rushes Ferris and hugs him.

		JEANIE
	Thank God, you're alright! We've
	been worried sick!

CU. FERRIS

A moment of curiosity. Then it dawns on him what's
happening. He smiles.

CU. ROONEY

His eyes dart from Ferris to Jeanie to Ferris. His victory
is evaporating.

EXT. PORCH

Jeanie breaks the embrace.

		JEANIE
		(to Rooney)
	Thank you for bringing him home,
	Mr. Rooney.
		(to Ferris)
	You better get up in bed tight
	now.

Ferris limps into the house.

		JEANIE
	Can you imagine someone as sick as
	Ferris trying to walk home from the
	hospital?
		(shakes her head)
	Kids!

CU. ROONEY

He's dumbfounded.

CU. JEANIE

She raises her hands and strikes a karate pose. A huge smile
passes over her face.

CU. ROONEY

A look of terror as he realizes that is was Jeanie who
kicked him and that Jeanie knows it was he who she kicked.

EXT. PORCH

Jeanie steps into the house.

198  INT. HOUSE				198

The door closes on Rooney's defeated, lost, dejected,
bewildered face. Not only has he lost Ferris again, he has
Jeanie to deal with next year.

199  EXT. YARD. CU. DOG			       199

The click of the door wakes him up. His head pops up off the
grass.

CU. ROONEY

He senses new danger. We hear AN O.C. GROWL. Rooney squeezes
his eyes shut.

200  INT. KITCHEN				  200

Kimberly and Todd are sitting at the kitchen table watching
TV and eating cereal. They look up at Ferris as he comes in
from outside.

		TODD
	Ferris?  Does my head look like
	it's getting bigger?

Ferris leans against the counter as he tries to catch his
breath. He looks at his little brother.

		FERRIS
	No, but Kimberly's is.

He crosses to the refrigerator and opens it. Kimberly feels
her head.

		KIMBERLY
		(to Todd)
	Is he serious?

		TODD
	I think so.

		KIMBERLY
	Oh, shit!

Ferris takes out a bottle of orange juice out of the
refrigerator and drinks straight from the bottle. Jeanie
comes in.

		FERRIS
	Thanks, Jeanie.

		JEANIE
	No problem.

		FERRIS
	By the way, I borrowed some cash
	from you. I'll pay you back.

		JEANIE
	You don't have to.

		FERRIS
	I want to.

		JEANIE
	You don't have to. I've been ripping
	off your wallet for years.

Ferris gives her a proud smile.

201  EXT. HOUSE				201

Joyce and Tom head up to the kitchen.

202  INT. KITCHEN				  202

Ferris and Jeanie exit the kitchen as Joyce and Tom enter.

		JOYCE
		(to Todd and Kimberly)
	Hi, guys.

		KIMBERLY
	Is my head swelling up?

203  INT. HOUSE. FOYER			        203

The foyer is jammed with floral arrangements, plants and
gifts. Ferris and Jeanie step gingerly through the flowers
and head upstairs.

		JEANIE
	I'm sorry I've been riding your
	buns for so long.

		FERRIS
	It's completely cool.

		JOYCE (OC)
	Ferris!

Ferris continues up the stairs. He affects a sickly voice.

		FERRIS
	Upstairs, Mom!

204  INT. SECOND FLOOR LANDING			204

Ferris and Jeanie stop.

		JEANIE
	Do you know a guy named Garth
	Volbeck?

		FERRIS
	Vaguely.

		JEANIE
	Is he cool?

		FERRIS
	He's cool. But stay away from his
	brother.

Ferris walks into the room, brushes the crumbs off his hands
and peels off his shirt. He climbs into bed. No sooner are
the covers over him than the bedroom door opens and Joyce
and Tom walk in. They walk over to the bed. Joyce sits down.

		JOYCE
	Honey?

CU. FERRIS

The same deathly face he had in the morning. Tongue out,
eyes bulging.

		TOM (OC)
	Ferris? How do you feel?

He pulls in his tongue to speak.

		FERRIS
		(deathly gasp)
	150% better, thank you.

205  INT. BEDROOM				  205

Tom and Joyce hover over him with deep concern.

		FERRIS
	I'm much better, really. Please,
	don't make me stay home again. I
	want to go to school. I'm graduating
	in June and I...

		TOM
	Ferris. You're sick. There's no point
	pushing yourself and making it worse.

		FERRIS
	Maybe you're right, Dad.

		TOM
	I know I'm right.

Joyce leans over and kisses him forehead.

		JOYCE
	How did you get so sweet?

		FERRIS
	Years of practice.

Tom pats Ferris on the rump. He and Joyce exit.

CU. FERRIS

The hideous face. A beat and we HEAR THE BEDROOM DOOR CLOSE.
Ferris looks at CAMERA.

		FERRIS
		(happy sigh)
	Yeah, life is a carousel. A
	great big crazy ball of pure
	living, breathing joy and delight.

He rolls over on his back and puts his hands behind his
head.

		FERRIS
	You gotta get one.

He smiles.

MUSIC UP BIG

END TITLES

		THE END
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